In case of emergency, Break Glass. 

Maia and Dax,

I hope you read this one day and see it is not always pretty. That daddy does know the words in the rap songs he accidentally mispronounces. Like Fuck. I am really good with that one. 

But know when I thought I was gonna get smashed you two were right there in what might have been my final thoughts. That fucks me up. You two are amazing little assholes, just like your dad and his dad before him. 

This place is my open spot, the place where I share what really happens in an insane head when faced with the sudden death of the life you lived. A place to let others hop on and see what it is like through terribly honest eyes.

Be honest. No matter what it costs you, be honest and it will be worth it. Admit you are afraid because then it has no power over you. Tell the ones you love how you feel. When angry or sad or perfectly content. Open dialogue is key to make things work.

Go for it in life. Whatever the fuck it is you want, get that shit. Get it. It is yours for the taking. Because I have not been so lucky as to have shared time with two more gifted people. You are brilliant. Perfect. And gorgeous. Both of you. Use that shit to your advantage 

Drink too much. Laugh too much. Love too much. Try drugs. Have sex. Eww. Dad doesn’t need to go there. It is amazing and natural and do not be ashamed to want it. I had it at least twice based on you guys.

A lot more than that I’m afraid. Eww. I know. 

I held each of you immediately after you were born. I cut the umbilical cord. I cried tears of pure love and joy. You are the most important things I will ever accomplish. I knew it then and I know it now.

I’m not going anywhere for a long ass time. Promise. But when it comes know I did more than some ever dreamt. I wrote and loved and made people laugh all day. Did I make millions and become a household name? Nope. But I did everything I could for you. And that counts for something at the end of the day.

I love you both. To the moon and back. Whole Bunches. I will always be there for you. Thank you for making me the luckiest Father on the planet. 

Hail Satan

Dad, His Royal Duke Of Michael, House Ennenbach the XIII


Dax, the clit is not a pencil eraser. Gentle pressure on and to the area around it is key. The entire area is an erogenous zone. It is not a race either. Your common orgasm goal should be three of hers to every one of yours. Trust me. 

Maia, the same applies. Remember there is no shame in lesbian through college. Get settled and then let a man ruin your life. I have no experience in scissoring. I imagine it works on a principle of mutual clitoral stimulation. Use the fucking internet. 

3 thoughts on “In case of emergency, Break Glass. 

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