i never felt as alive as when i am closest to dying maybe this is why i give myself to those ladies with flat eyes adders coiled in the shape of a heart and all i want is that venom coursing through my failing form tapdancing though minefields without a care in the world yet […]

the flurry of activity has me in a fury of manic dissociation as i drift off during mundane tasks lost in impossible riddles with no necessity except to keep me spinning rather than actually accomplishing anything i feel like a void shimmering in my own lack of importance a mirage on the road wispy lines […]

lately there has been an air of frustration hovering over me be8ng pulled in different directions as i seek balance in my constantly shifting brain the job demands more and more everything costs more and more yet the pay remains mostly unchanged i chase after these nebulous words trying to leave a legacy while slowly […]

each time i type a comma instead there is a semicolon i backspace retype comma a semicolon appears i backspace carefully retype the comma eyes never leaving my thumb a fucking semicolon unpossible i backspace again the cursor flashes i use my index finger one tap on comma this is a fucking joke i stare […]

i was raised to under promise and over deliver which seems to have become an antiquated way of accomplishing a life’s work also doesn’t help when i promise every bit of myself to those who never deliver at all i never expect the scales to be perfectly balanced but a little fucking effort on occasion […]

the thrill of the holidays choosing electricty or a big meal there is something fundamentally flawed with the world right now

a short week made twice as long by anxiety the metroplex remains suspectly silent a midweek holiday leaving the roads half empty as i wander aimless hoping to kill off three days without doing any actual work a dull malaise throbs inheriting apathy from dismissive clouds in a dirge of aeroplanes left in holding patterns […]

sunlight through inclement clouds leave a pearlescent miasma drifting through the dusty sliding glass doors a silvery slivered sun silently lurking in a jealous nimbus just above possible storms in accumulated curious cumuli culling golden notes of love to dissipate into motes clinging to the obscured panes keeping my words away from her mercurial heart […]

despite my best attempts at collecting the random sparrow feathers and ear wax to form a perfect escape i keep getting distracted by shiny bits only to barter away my precious stash of waxen wings for pieces of someone else’s dream now all i have is a collection of unmatched doos with zero dads in […]

each new verse only seems to exaggerate the unseemly shades of madness which color the world where i wake up with your name honey on my tongue only to feel you fade away in the jealous rays of the sun who could never match your effervescent and easy perfection each new verse illuminates aches no […]

concussive crashes in metallic clangs mar a morose morning spent online training i seek any sort of distraction from this moribund malaise where i half assedly pretend to pay attention clicking next overandoverandover until a quiz challenges what has been skimmed as i contemplate how often the phrase those who do not learn from history […]

the sky is the color of lavender cotton candy with occasional arcs of lightning i imagine my brain lights up much the same one of those globes where the electricity follows your hands though i can’t recall the last time anyone ran their fingers across my freshly shaven scalp but i reckon it applies even […]

for the longesttime i just sort ofassumed, what withall the ideations,i would followthe plath schoolof baking lessonsfor the miserably inclinedyet somehow i havesettled into thisbukowski periodof crotchety rage despite daydreamingof drowning in the sheerblank expanse, thefucking embers burnin a panorama ofsinful delights uponwhich i still yearnto gorge myself happilyif only i could find a wayto […]

my brain is at war with everything especially taking aim at myself and i am tired from staying alert for potential ambush unable to relax as shrapnel flies all around me an addiction to chasing passions leaves a blindspot to reality where up and down become interchangeable insanities and the sirens roar in perpetual battle […]

i have come to personify tangential as my erratic manic energy steers me down rabbit holes and i forget exactly what it was i was at times it looks like summer yet winter nips or i grab a jacket to walk into an inferno the sparrows are rambunctious trilling along with the mad king as […]

the mania is relentless bringing storms in flickering anxieties which paralyze my nervous system an electrical surge of ideas yet if i try to scribble them my heart becomes grounded channeling the raw voltage in soulightning to fuse the grains of dreamdander into glass spires slashing the sky until it rains mercurial blood from the […]

my heart thumps leaving love letters in the silt far beneath the rays where gold illuminates the cracks running listless in lost splendor lamenting cohesiveness lost in kelp beds grown to mimic the shape of hearts my heart thumps in a strangled silence whispering odes to you

the coffee is bitter today or perhaps the daydreaming has soured my sweet receptors with a casual film of actuality either way caffeinated despair is the flavor as long as her lips refuse to find mine despite my fervent pleas silence grips me in all the ways i wish to feel her pressed next to […]

the electric gray spun into unburnished steel before settling into an opaque white the same shade as the cataract over divinity’s dead glare an infusion of silver a concussion of confusion clenched jaw headaches muscle soreness from being past tense in a forward facing future of flailing failings chasing highs to distort the disruptive nature […]

i do not process pain or trauma i refine it into gemstones which i slip into the brass bells affixed to my jester’s hat before drunkenly stumbling just ahead of one queen’s loyal royal headsman before tumbling into the next court where a rogue can touch her majesty’s forbidden treasures until overstaying his welcome once […]

a flagrant case of ho hum delirium leaves a sediment in concrete sentiment sealing my mouth shut what does a man with nothing to his name nolovenohopenodream except for words do when even they have discarded him apparently dissociate explore the ruins within process what is real while reducing the screaming to consistent white noise […]

sticks and stones have nothing on the words left unspoken in terms of sheer breaking power it’s nothing just an inability to find the will to move on when moving on means exchanging one ache for an inevitable sequel in a thousand paper cuts which accumulate as i realize honesty isn’t always the best working […]

the words refuse to be formed by tongue nor by thumbs cognizant of the spiral trying to navigate it through acceptance but the light shines through my stained glass soulshatter to project all the lies into fully formed illusion i long for passion as the world sits off kilter champagne gone flat fills delicately fluted […]

summer in texas is a good relationship which eventually sours and then fades to scars as youre enjoying an autumn day filled with cool breezes the crackling leaves in a myriad of hues only for summer’s envy reinserting herself in near nuclear rays yesterday she decided to stomp off once more thinking no one noticed […]

i have spent my life chasing down electro-mechanical issues because fixing things solving problems feels awfully nice compared to the hell of cascading catastrophes irreparably inoperable a human malignancy in electrical fits desperate to be held grounded when the arcs dance in ghostfire reveries chasing phantoms with hearts in the shape of home machines have […]

not even ms plath can refocus the errant swinging in my pendulous heartshatter scattering my poetic across an unending ocean of whitecaps shaped like her mischievous smirk the rebound proved every bit as disastrous as the rational aspect kept screaming into the ever oscillating limerance choosing self destruction over accepting those wildflowers never truly blossomed […]

the wind screams as i sit watching the highway hollow and untethered waiting to blow away dreamdander soliloquies drifting in rancid repose a hazy distortion of filth in the flaccid mourning marring scenic sunrises in a petulant discombobulation uncertain of up from down slowly sullenly spinning in an indecent descent into mercurial madnesses as mechanical […]

my subconcsious has me self conscious about the underlying currents in my skewed pseudo-consciousness leaving me uncertain unable to trust myself as dreamwhispers turn to derisive snarls and this hunger burns for that which i cannot be allowed a confusion in spectral wildflowers blooming across the fertile fields of madness in my brain the disharmonic […]

i spent the entirety of the weekend actually existing the howling wolves of loneliness held at bay as the early sunset painted indigo mountains hanging sharply inverted in the last brave diffusion of burnt umbra clawing desperately at the dying weekend i feel the discharge the jacob’s ladder fizzling out before reaching the top a […]

i feel like a thousand razored edges balanced upon a monomolecular tightrope wobbling over a void of self reflection an uncomfortable clarity in causation in candid curses cratering my cantankerous satellite heart

the birds scream a disjointed symphony for the glaring sun in her radiant petulance reasserting dominion over frosted blooms the streets lined with faded petals in brittle dismay a flurry of maroon transitioning into lusterless brown stinging grit reminders of summer’s disdain i sit in the darkness a net of nettles strapped to my hollow […]

the chill wrapped itself like a lover around me as i held the surrogate pillow tight to my chest a poor replacement for my hand cupping her breast as i sleepily murmur my love longing to feel her nestle closer content to ignore winter knocking if it means fifteen more minutes with her in dream

one sparrow sat on the porch as i stumbled half awake to make coffee i stood smiling as it trilled a tune and repaid it by spilling out a poem to you it flies frantic spreading the words manifesting a hint of your beauty to the sleeping city

hail hail hail blessed daughters of the moonbeams cascading through wispy clouds as the tenebrae begins to weaken the lost souls seeking closure hollow spirits bereft of warmth watching for a tear to slip into this realm of possibilities the rustling leaves a morose farewell as the land slipslipslips into ever lengthening night a ring […]

i saw you briefly last night just a glimmer between anxious wakings just enough to spend the rest of the night diving into dreamshards hoping against hope to catch one more glimpse of perfection before the world reinserts itself leaving nothing but faded blossoms until next i sleep

it’s cold enough the sliding doors have fogged up as the sky over the city ebbs with a silvery diffusion if i didn’t know any better i would think it could snow it won’t but a man can dissociatively dissapear into the feeling of being home as halloween beckons a child still clinging to birthday […]

these wax wings were never crafted with the intent of escaping this prison of ivory i just hope to fly high enough to tell the universe to go fuck itself from a vantage where it cannot ignore me i am a poppyseed in beauty’s lopsided smile a popcorn husk buried in the perfect veneer drawing […]

i rememberwhen i realizedmy hands couldnever sketchthe images soalive in my headcountless hoursdragging the heelof my palm acrossthe graphite onlyto see disappointmenton the smeared sheet the pursuit of perfectionfrom a skewed perspectiveis the assassin of creativity the madness lieswithin writing as welleach word needs balanceaccording to the melodyonly i can hearbut when the choirgoes silentthe […]

cold rain pummmels the city in an insomnial drowning where the fetid dream spoils beauty while a fool sits in front of the laundromat knowing nothing can erase this stain slowly spreading a shadow tainting the solemn surrender in howling gales as the wipers dance asynchronously with a sputtering heartbeat in sullen dismay

seeking signslost in the ætherbereft of directionunder roiling skiesof petulant gray falling throughdissociated kaleidoscopesoverwhelmed bythe distractionsin ever shifting torments driving downtownon streets made fromself manufactured gristlehoping for a homewhich never existed

sometimes, i cannot tell when big bpd pulls me this wayand little bpd pulls me the otherhow to not let it rip me into two. then i remember her telling me i used my issues as a crutch. how do you ask for help then? when the person you loved says something like that? you […]

i avoid letting anyone see the entirety of hell hidden in my hazel gaze the brimstone stained smile as the flames lick the lips your every cell yearns to taste lead enough damned souls to a purgatory of temporary intoxication while i hold hell within my chest fearful of singeing your delicate soul my heart […]

hansel left a breadcrumb trail unaware the sparrows picked his best intentions clean leaving no way of finding the way out of the forest i leave my own trail of heartaches in semipoetic verse to the cacophony of sparrows already well aware there is no path back into the light she told me there is […]

i need a break from only existing when i have a use if you need me don’t i am not here any longer find someone else to use up and discard i have nothing left to give

there is a miscalcualtion in eternity a cataract of crystalline delusion blinding divinity vaseline smeared on the camera subtly blurring miracles into tragic dismay the wonder lost in an ever expanding universe of stagnant indifference a collusion of decaying photons in a condemnation of childhood dream drifting endlessly on the holy corpse telling ourselves it […]

it’s raining after so long baked under the merciless gaze of summer the accumulated filth runs down the swollen gutters a sluice in shades of forgotten dream i stand in the storm soaked through praying the rains could purify whatever ancient curse rattles through my windswept soul bonedeep sorrows in a flurry of sodden denials […]

it is the cost which effects quality keeping a happy life unattainable necessity falls farther from doable and the exhaustion from constantly chasing moving goals makes living a luxury i no longer have the means to afford

the only place i can see her is on the rare evenings i manage to sleep where once she was tangible and real she became a dream which was something she never intended to be last night it was a stray lock of golden hair my every fiber longed to tuck behind her ear as […]

there is an edge of frustration making my tender excessively brittle chasing dreams which leave my belly empty and head filled with self loathing always being the runner up despite entirely too much effort given freely when you know you gave everything you had and still manage to come up well short of imaginary goalposts […]

the world is spinning slightly slower than normal or i am flying faster than my mania can comprehend no matter which way i tend to travel it is always against stream trying to fall back into dream where she smiles and all my broken heals instead i sputter out exhausted from waging a war with […]

she smiled sweetlyholding the sponge tomy forehead as the coolwater dripped downmy face before the metalring was placed gentlyupon my brow and sheblew a kiss as sheflipped the switchsending the currentssimilar to those whichalways sought to drowna lonely fool insteadflash frying motes ofmy shattered into astained glass refrainilluminating the painingrained in love’s disdain it began […]

i realized while brushing my teeth i have little to nothing to say to myself we have an uneasy agreement an acknowledgement of necessity yet seem to disagree on nearly every pertinent point keeping the peace between heart and mind is simply sorting various aches while never letting the two conspire as one whenever they […]

retracted hiding my fragility incapable of trust after so many self betrayals no longer certain anyone, myself included, is putting my best interests first the loneliness isn’t as bad as the anxiety worrying i will, because i will, do something wrong the only person i can let down is myself and that is an artform […]

no one seems to mention the addictive and destructive side of oxygen from the first gasping breath entire lives are shackled to this not so noble of gases i have seen too many lives affected by drinking and drug abuse while every person i met who quit oxygen was surely dead yet there is no […]

a quiet morning the workers robotically set up the tents stringing the tightrope attatching the trapezes i sit uncertain if i should paint on another smile or if today is for the three piece suit of the hungover ringmaster passing the reflection of the world’s fattest man on the way through the shadows between freak […]

if you were to go by my fight or flight instinct it would be fair to imagine i was headed into an ambush where any misstep would lead to my slaughter rather than sitting in the parking lot trying to build up the ability to get out of the car to go work on a […]

i chased her across broken dream waking with her smile etched in crimson along my aching tender desperate to fall back into the shattered vistas where reality has no bearing on the crushing weight of unsatiated desire following her footsteps deeper into the hollowed hallow of tarnished adoration where there is no difference between hell […]

anxiousanxious worrying knots into my macrame soul everything feels so fucking everything all of the goddamned time it gets hard to remember to breathe inoutinoutinoutinout my cells are starved clinging to arterial plaque jutting in calcified odes to her restricting blood flow blossoming tiny spots in tinted delusions of internal distress i need extracted from […]

the sparrows watch me watching them chirping suspiciously in golden light they want words which nourish the lurking raptor defiantly present in ancient souls i have no way of explaining the discard no understanding of it myself just the knowledge there is no agony quite like knowing you were never enough without knowing exactly where […]

my greatest foe will always be my foolish heart because no matter what one day it will happily beat me to death until that day i will leave it stapled to my sleeve to witness these atrocities we mistakenly call love in all the gory glory of tearing one another apart because, honestly, neither of […]

the doe eyed dreamers in a deluded belief i could ever be the bright apple of your twinkling eye i am simply the cyanide in the seeds you should never even consider planting in your precious heartsoil i am a blight a biblical portent leading only into a cyclical maze of decaying wishes lit by […]

my heart exists in the hadal zone where the pressure exerted allows no life to thrive shimmering translucency flashing pleas for help in bioluminescent distress only signaling a predatory response in open arms i love like a marianas snail fish feeds on anthropods a secondary set of jaws in the quadrants of my everdreaming heart […]

i wonder some mornings if i was ever really here or if this life was just a distortion cast by a stray photon racing toward the ever expanding horizon alone a slow drip of lithium tapped directly into the icy river of vascular insignificance indigo shadows the shame shade as the rings around my eyes […]

first the demon slept haunted by hearts broken trampled into hope’s last refrain unrestrained by the ignominious stain spread across him an itchy disomforter intentionally threadbare crafted carefully in a vacant mother’s adoring disdain now unable to calm the pounding creakingleaking valves so close to rupture in the rapturous haze of incremental temperature as the […]

i have slowly become agnostic toward the ignoble existence of love i once considered myself a devout agnostic toward the existence of god until i realized neither she nor i was interested in a prolonged battle cupid and i seem to face the same rotten stalemate some poisons just aren’t as tantalizing as they used […]

random play has decided upon a series of overdoses and suicides to serenade a fool ruminating on an exit strategy what is left to be written which hasn’t been composed by someone far more talented about these things i was never meant to experience the invisible man scriblling lies to trick the world into seeing […]

the covid fits directly into my rejection receptors as i shiver glaring at shadows where i see wisps of hidden agendas in the inactions where refraction doesn’t occur watching as i spiral searching for the reasons i sink downdowndown swallowed by the chasm burrowed by the maggots feasting on the fetid remains of yesterday’s empty […]

the sleep i so longed for is now all a feeble fool is capable of this fucking plague burning through me leaves naught but dreams in hellish repose ashen corspelights waivering about the pestilent purgatory where pretty poltergeists play pandemonium on my brittlesoul the tongues of lightning bloom in an expression of futile disdain reaffirming […]

slept fourteen hours straight as the ravages of illness sent feverdreams in a half catatonic horror spiraling through the threadbare hellish hollows of my mind awoken her name half whispered only to be swept away by a tsunami of sour sweat signaling the red hot irons thrust between my ribs to yank me under again […]

delete me please there isn’t anything poetic left inside me just noise the neverending sounds of glass shattering the back of a hand striking innocence and a droning of voices saying goodbye dip your fingers in my open chest cavity and paint something beautiful in smears of fetid repuganancy

it is all a travesty life is meaningless with nothing but a pine box or cheap urn at the finish all these petty little bits of insignificance weigh down wasting the few scant seconds where wonder is ignored we cast illusions of good and evil down assuming an invisible host shall dole out judgments in […]

the scenerybathed in the ichorfalling from thewounded angelsin autumnal shadescrimson splotchesin an array ofamber dissentionthe agonized screamsamongst changing leavesas death usurpsthe verdant mythswhich causes beautyto shudder in revulsionas the blood soaks downsalting the soil souldeepleaving only memorieswhere hope flourished

they smile mouths filled with maggots whispering saccharine lies unwilling to expose ulterior manipulations while sowing rancid seeds for future harvest

“some abominationsshouldn’t exist”she said with a razoredtongue of spite i could only smileit was sound advicei’d heard before yet still she staredup at me as i held her hairher eyes smilingas my grip tightened we wrote lettersin the bloodwe callously drewthen fucked untilthe words lostany semblance of the illusion of love which is as closeto […]

the kids are gone, so the mask is off, hanging off a hook by my keys until morning too aware i am slipping glitching my consciousness a grain of sand falling from my ear jolts of lavender crash my pangean soul if my heart would cease the infernal fucking beating of a dead fool i […]

i never cease to amaze myself at the myriad of ways i find to disappoint myself. some lessons only take one session to learn. the scarring is so fucking deep at this point by the time i feel the first flicker of pain the wound is already fatal. i kept grabbing the stove because the […]

the only sound is the sparrows on the balcony ledge trilling to get a fool’s attention as he sits forlorn electrifed needles arcing across his moribund mindscape drinking coffee wondering if this is all there is nothing to see nowhere to go and nothing to be while the city snores in fitful repose the highway […]

i long to sleep yet there is a chasm exactly the shape of her and my heart sounds back in pitiful echoes calling for her to make it whole once more an unfathomable depth of loss lays just between the lies i swallowed a perfect lure for a foolish fish and the hollow hiss as […]

my faulty intuition is a needy little whore chasing phantasms where only shadows exist the totality in obsessive undertones leaves clutching the barbed agony of apathetic dissonance a prison of monochromatic painblossoms set to binaural technicolor symphonies which whisper of all the things i must never allow myself even a dreamsliver of or i will […]

i am the scarecrow, the tin man, the cowardly lion, dorothy, and toto all in different moments throughout most every day drawn, a bipolar moth, to flames no more real than the great and delusional wizard himself a winged ape spinning lost in the storms oscillating over abandoned farms in a foreclosure of american dream […]

a mysterious miasma fills my hollow skull i see her and the ache sends swirls downdowndown soul deep a knot i can never worry loose a ravenous ravine riddled with blowflies where a heart once beat me near to death

it was as if i had died how swiftly i ceased existing in her world and the hurt accumulated in her thunderous silence was nothing compared to realizing i never mattered in the slightest despite time spent dreaming i am nothing more than a shadow cast by what you truly desire most from life her […]

i hung myself from the ellipses between her lips the bated breath where stars throw themselves at her longing simply to illuminate her shapely silhouette a broken manchild kissing the hands which only spite me seeking salvation in sweet surrenders swirling in the void

the storms came briefly i listened as the rain fell losing myself between the drops as i lay in bed letting my heart send messages in echoed crashing across the clouds to where you slept the alarm rang i watched you dissolve a sandstorm illusion in heartache intrusion whispering prayers to the emptiness proving god […]

all there is is emptiness despite a defenestration of dour despair i am little more than a tool capable of great feats yet aimless needing a steady hand to guide this incumbent chaos i just want to feel something

i can’t find my calm i need held and told it’ll be okay even though we both know it will not that it will pass it wouldn’t be so difficult if i didn’t hate every bit of me and if i wasn’t aware of how i can never hope to be enough it doesn’t matter […]

the only thing keeping me tethered to my body is a web of electricity tightly woven around my wheezing heart being a conscious traveler unraveled from the meat is a horrifying excursion into hell gripping tight quite unsure what is coming next but positive it is bad

the coffee ended up being the second most bitter taste after waking from a dream where all of the things she said were true not another case of someone saying what you want to hear rather than sowing honesty in the salty seas of fallen hope she returned all the i love yous she deftly […]

the secret harmony lays in the cacophony squalling where the tides of heartspasms crash against the shores of soulsand forevers a satisfaction in the throbbing dissonance of desire where instinct is a razored tongue tracing the scars which only serve to encapsulate the danger in perfection a hint of copper an undercurrent of pain pushing […]

today the disconnect between electric squid and eroded spine a dissociative chasm best intent tumbles endoverend into i strain yet never hear it find the bottom a clapperless bell swinging madly from the cathedral of abandoned passions a small boy deafened by his own heartbeat longing for all he knows he does not deserve a […]

maintaining a separation between my cancerous hell and the smiles of the humans shuffling across the ouija board living planchettes causing ripples in the hazy veil summoning spirits haunting hallways connecting the underworld with the sunlit horror of interactions between disparate atoms of desperate electron shuddering insignificance

the birds sing the ceiling shifts as the neighbor sleepily stomps his way to greet the tendrils of sunlight slinking over the horizon my tongue coated in bitterness as the coffee steams a condemnation in shimmering condensation condescendingly leaving a concentricity of rings on the table to remind me just how far i have settled […]

yesterday the entire world was coated in a filth where beauty drowned in fetid gasps today i have flatlined i feel nothing just subtle notes of disappointment glistening like dew in the silken strands of my dreamcatcher soul the technical term is splitting it occurs mostly from childhood trauma where it is conditioned by loved […]

i do not knowwhich side ofthe mirrori find myself on is he crazyor did i get all ofthe lucky disordersdoes he smile morehave loved onesis he contentin the mercurialrealm of reflections is she thereholding his handas they talkwas he enoughnot the failurethis version isone worthy ofreciprocation or is he simplymy fucking reflectionan ugly delusionon either […]

after the callousness of the last discard i cannot allow this weakness built on longing to fill my heart any longer the slivers left of my soultender rest in snowglobes filled with lavender embalming fluid and the last dreams of forever in plastic particulates when the desire to be loved grows i shake the globes […]

no cohesion between the vibrations rattling in atomic dissonance resulting in a separation where panic slices the anxious dissent in contentiously conscientious shiting states of sparkling unconsciousness navigating corridors in an endless barrage of dead end daydreams an absolution in abdicated allusions as assimilated aspersions accentuate anonymity i blow one last kiss as the portcullis […]

the words sing but warbled against the veil of apathy simmering in a pharmacy parking lot with a view of a pollution laden dingy skyline where all i see are souls screaming dissent in concrete tombs i prefer the days where the colors seem slightly too vibrant compared to when it all feels washed out […]