his forehead anacnescarred septicslick of greasy sweat filled craters hisvoluminous throat quivered while i watched in ahorrifiedcuriosity at this human hybrid ofapetulantbullfrog andahungrypelican wheezing in the summer heat waiting for his spine to thrust fromhisslobberyjowls a terrifying form of heat regulation oralongleatherytongue snatchingsnacksfromthe swarmofstingingflies inaneverpresentbuzzing aninterspeciesconglomerationsquattingonagoldeneggwaitingforthechickeninthecoreoftheworldtohatchandbringontheendofeverythingwithatrumpetingfart

is it normal to remind oneself they are human to act normal shoulders straight arms swinging eye contact smile not that much is that agony you’re human act like it but that’s the crux of it all a human being who finds being human unnatural seems incongruous to the natural order of things yet here […]

her eyes caught the sun flaring golden in a subtle diffusion of brown as i told myself not to stare into the glow beautiful women are much like an eclipse look too long and risk blinding yourself to anything else

the words coagulate inmythroat a sorrowful wheezing fillstheroom as her name spills limply acrossbluelips

no one wants to talk about the elephant in the room mostly for fear of startling it i assume yet they show no such compulsion when at the zoo i once read elephants think humans are cute so i doubt they would mind much if we occasionally acknowledged them if in fact there is one […]

it tooktwo and a halfyears to freethe last slaveson juneteenthignoring thecentury betweencivil war andcivil rightsand the sixtysome years sincewhich have shownno matter how farwe pretend to moveas a speciescertain unalienablerights remainconditional. the illusionaryunity shatteredthe moment theorange bigot normalizedmaking america hate againwhen the weak cowardsso threatened bya well spokenblack presidentwere allowed to ventone hundred and sixtysome […]

each new line another scab shed i couldn’t care less about the words it is the feeling as they freeflow that brings me back againandagainandagain and after eight years it is as intoxicating if not even more so than it’s ever felt i don’t understand people very well the words don’t seem to match the […]

this lifewill kill youwalking downthese streetsalone this worldwill fight youtearing downeverythingyou’ve known these wordswill slight youdelight youinvite youto another funeral these whimswon’t right youas the pitin your stomachgrows these windswill blight youstumbling onthrough theovergrowth their chainswill bind youuntil the roadyou roam isnot your own this emptinessdefines youand then you’ll seethis life goes ondespite you to […]

i see the world reflected in the windows of the brass skyscraper and can’t help but wonder which is the reflection am i a figment unknowingly traversing a backwards land is this the reason i have never truly felt as if i ever fit in does happiness live in the reflection shimmering behind a glass […]

the mind is a wonder of electrical impulses in a vat of chemicals navigating this delusionary world of dream each experience examined from a new perspective meaning nothing is perceived as exactly the same. each of us has the entirety of the universe inside our skulls and no true common frame of reference just the […]

a silvery diffusion in rainfall delusion does little to clear the grime clinging to the wheezing heart ofthiscarcinogeniccity oil streaks shimmer as pastel puddles send filthy plumes spraying adiredelugeofdetrius dripdripdrippingdread darkly unto dreamshatter

came down with a case of metaphysical laryngitis last week with the realization i had lost the will perhaps the ability to conversate with anyonewhatsoever after a long year ofseeingtherealityof humans being human. tribalistic idiocy groups of the loudest proclaiming themselves the most talented in an echo chamber of abyssmal delusion turning on one another […]

egos have a way of thinning the skin to where it seems the slightest breeze can collapse an author in seconds all smiles when public facing then snarls and claws when they think no one sees petty tyrants so stoned off of huffing their own farts they lose sight of reality they wage wars against […]

tar drips languidly from the carcinogenic cloud cover leaving a film coating each and every prayer so they sink to the overflowing gutters where they float amongst all of the best intentions. this carefully constructed solitude has settled into a permanence after being fed a steady diet of disinterestandsilence as it torrentially storms on a […]

it’s been almost a year of seclusion a patented refusal to continue trying to pretend like the games are worth the time. in my hermitage i discovered by going silent the universe fell into silence as well a confirmation of how unnecessary interactions truly were. the people whom i felt the closest autumnal leaves in […]

the crows are screaming in this half empty lowe’s parking lot as the sun bakes a certain sort of dessicated heartthistle across the shimmering skyline of wavering wonder halfway between dallas and fort worth where both meccas of concrete austerity may be mirages in a sea of asphalt a fool ponders the hellacious squawking of […]

its easy to lose sight of things when the president of the United States of America is a dementia addled, convicted rapist, and launches pointless wars at the behest of his puppet masters in a perverse plot of ever escalating global emergencies to keep what the entire world knows but just can’t seem to say […]

decided to grow a fucking beard to save myself having to stare into a mirror at a stranger’s face old man hank had it all figured out grow a long beard as an illusion of wisdom when really it’s to hide away i just can’t be fucking bothered shaping my van dyke i cannot see […]

there comes a singular moment when writing where all the incidental silken threads snap taut and the entire tale becomes a fully functional world it feels like skating across a frozen lake as the fissures race nipping your heels random decisions unveil a tapestry and everything finally makes sense not every story is fortunate enough […]

i had to shed my cells once again leavingbehind vivisections offadedyouth as i stubbornly cling to the sad truth these scars were carved onto someoneelseentirely i am no longer who you once thought you may have known but we both know you never cared how much you knew your assumptions always carried the weight and […]

i have to acknowledge there is no way all of the ideas in my brain will find there way to the page and still as i scribble the muse sings and eight more ideas are born all i do is writewritewrite words which remain mostly unnoticed an unpoetic poet too poetic to be taken seriously […]

the world is filled with an overabundance of absurd wonder when you stop sip a cup of coffee and really pick at the ever fraying edges we take for granted the sheer majesty inherent in the astronomical odds of an errant lightning bolt on the primordial ooze give all the glory for accidental creation to […]

i tend to mostly be a casual nihilist gleefully embracing the void just not quite ready for clove cigarettes or a black beret. drugs and masturbation help considerably.

the flashing colors in vertiginous splashes while the figures dance tirelessly through the ghostly masquerade as a fool watches afraid to comment as dreamthistle erupts in a scattered cacophony of heartfelt goodbyes i long to join them spinning in sheer madness as the pouty refractions in cratered lunacies dimly conveys meaningless stripped bare of any […]

burning sage to expel the darkness capturing the essence of auspicious dread slowly working this half formed fear into full on panic coaxing out anxieties to coalesce into a tale of bubbling madness dripping toxic tar to stain the page the real insanity is shaping the next tale while strangling every last bit of agony […]

ever since the rupture of my plantar fascia i have found a pervasively foul mood has taken root in my cavernous skull perfect fodder for spinning horror not so good for spilling out pints of brackish blood to foul the waters i have stopped dreaming never settling deeper than the barest hint of sleep leaving […]

there are moments where everything i attempt goes to shit almost immediately the fool with the minus touch converting wonder into tepid disinterest

the problem with a good mystery is eventually the answers come to light and rarely do they live up to expectation certain secrets retain interest in the unsolvable while most lose all wonder in the mundanity seeking understanding can suck the magic out of the moment but humans cannot leave well enough alone then commiserate […]

my heart played a blast beat along rattling ribs as she bared ivory fangs eighty-eight teeth like keys playing the theme to jaws along my cardial nerve lovelustorfear her smile contains each in a rabid equality sending my fightorflight into overdrive the best trips carrytheworstpossible side effects yet i keep popping pills to hide defects […]

had been procrastinating the end of a story finding other obsessions to delay the inevitable drop off once a tale is done i have some difficulties letting go occasionally it’s funny how much i love being alone while always dreaming of something else when i stare into the void i see myself in my unnatural […]

sarcasm is one of the few opportunities where a sledgehammer can be used for delicate precision in surgical slices as well as to simply bludgeon a point love and hate may be forever linked as two halves of the same coin while sarcasm seems to be love’s distant cousin having taken a divergent path love […]

a gray deluge the city no more than a smudge blotting out the dour horizon the rain runs chaotic pathways down the glass mocking the frantic lane changes by drivers desperate to shave seconds off the commute a perfect day for unpoetic longing chalkdust dreamshatter pulling every hue into a black sluice spinning endlessly around […]

the near constant temptation tolighteverythingonfire and dance nude as the flames slowlyconsumeme butterfly kisses across bare musculature strippedcleanofflesh and self misconceptions shifting to ashes swirling around her icy discontent a true artist with the right mixture ofashandtears could paint a masterpiece in everlastingagony the shadow of her smile a perfectly pointed tip from which to […]

this room stretches foreverandever in every direction. i sit perpendicular to nothing an impossibility hovering. a pregnant pause instructuredcalamity. an abstraction inabsurdapprehension aspiring to expire lostinarecursivemoment whileselfradicalizing selfacttualizing. afracturedfractal selfishlyinsufficient asthefrictioninfiction revealsaviciousviscosity venting dreamshatter in our spiraling demise. i am almost certain i was never here.

rupturedtendonenrapturedtension insomnialexistenceanxietalrampage got up early for a day of drugs and agonized limping half consciously singing along as the dwarves railagainstnormalcy. told the doctor unless he could put a bullet in the orange cocksucker doing his best to set the world on fire four weeks off my feet were as likely as true love or […]

there is a whimsical brass toad smoking a pipe while reading outside of the leasing office as gray cloud rush northernly toward what i can only imagine is trouble. i find myself unable to muster a miniscule amount of anything except an abridged apathy as i sit waiting. the world is still a shit show […]

there is an occasional solidness to this solitude where i forget there is more than obsessively world building and video games in the world moredulcettones than just empty tapping of my thumbsonscreen everything feels obscure and insincere clouded by ambitions or secret agendas and the less i venture out the more i see noonenotices myabsenceatall […]

my first love wasn’t the horror which filled my childhood home (in the written form) but the worlds of dragons and magic i didn’t feel my writing was quite up to snuff to attempt my own stab at high fantasy but now the thought has worked deeply into my brain and i am obsessed with […]

the weather was too perfect to not drive with the windows down knowing the pollen was dangerous and would lead to a sinus infection. now i long to feel the breeze on my swollen cheek as the trees blur into a static verdancym i am aware my particular poisons only lead to pain yet the […]

one day scholars will argue if any of this social media age was ever really real at all or just a symptom of mass delusion as billions reckon with the knowledge all of this from holy book to true love was meaningless a grand facade as we destroyed the only viable habitat in all the […]

gone gone the gangrenous garrison of hope corpse plucked clean by gregarious figures wrapped in ephemeral cloaks of ego twitching in time to the rigors as mortis settles legions of snarling dogs snapping at bloody scraps slowly starving while the fruits of their labor remain reserved a skinless hoarde seduced by salinity in an unseemly […]

an albatross is considered either an ill or good omen at sea which feels like a cop out there shouldn’t be either or in superstitions no half measures no depending on an albatross isn’t concerned with ominous portents of any form or fashion it just wants to go where ever the lodge stone in its […]

the thunderstorm adds an ambiance in audacious chatter as angine de poitrine plays mata zyklek in a fury inside i sit stunlocked in a loop so long starving an olive branch extended without a few actual olives feels like a slight without a salve to sooth the savagery of a thousand tiny cuts issued in […]

people will cut you out because they are far too busy so very important turning relationships professional then feel as if they can act unprofessional amongst friends without showing any friendship until it suits them i supply the art and seem to only ever receive excuses in lieu of services rendered

every day tiny wounds linger the closer to septic the system grows. willfully ignoring them can become unrecoverable. but some people stand so boldly in public yet let their cowardice override doing what needed done months ago to prevent things festering. hell what do i know? this fever hasn’t abated in nearly a year now.

i stood maybe half a mile from a busy highway watching a majestic black vulture with whitebandedwings feast on an unfortunatesquirrel while a turtle craned its long neck toward the sun while lazily perched on a half submerged log in a pond all around us an indecent squalor plastic billowing distant engines spewing pollutants yet […]

it isn’t the state of constant anxiety as much as how wrong everything feels in those rare moments of calm. caught myself daydreaming as i drove put my foot down to end the nonsense and ended up speeding to the next red light as i excise all hope for anything more than this bountiful harvest […]

i was asked nicely to no longer use my camera during meetings because while i have made advances in not calling out bullshit loudly thanks to mute i apparently manage to scream it with each of my facial expressions. i asked to just not be invited. it is a war of attrition. anyone who wants […]

she promised one day this ache would fade and in my foolish hope for a reprieve i neglected to realize that it would likely take forever. after all in our idiocy we did promise eternity in the throes of passion. neither lied not exactly as usually best intentions almost always end this way.

a perfect morning for driving with the windows down the music up too loud as a bank of gray sits sheltering the city the moderately fresh air swirlingthroughthecar as a fool sings loudly along with gibby haynes two human cannonballs sowing a path of carnage among the bristling herd left early to take the long […]

despite effort when faced with an onslaught of absolute idiocy the success rate is assuredly dismal someone much higher up the food chain has an epiphany which despite having no real chance of working out the decision has been cast from the mountain and the peasants must scramble to achieve this most sacred duty the […]

there was a shooting at the apartment complex next to the one i was dilligently working at i didn’t hear the gunshots as i toiled on a good underling to involved in the company’s economic welfare for petty things such as safety i heard the swelling of sirens and low staccato rumbling flock of lowflyinghelicopters […]

morning commute down desolation highway an overabundance of gray drowning the dim light to a sullen spark in sleepy forney a small town set too close to the ravenous beast of the metroplex an infrastructure built for farming now overly congested with angry worker ants lined up in misery to serve their queen a distillation […]

bird song ecstatically calls forth the molten orb of grievous gold to cast aside all aspersions and illuminate a world of need bits of yarn scraps of paper hidden seeds and open air in which to soar high above the petty concerns of humans being i yearn to fly yet nervously pluck my feathers stuck […]

she didn’t set off a flare no alarms rang the oceans didn’t boil the sky refused to split asunder when she stopped loving me it merely felt as if the world ended when she finally told me the truth ever since the world resumed wobbling moronically and i cannot imagine an existence where i truly […]

human barnacles clinging desperately to anything with a hint of momentum dragging the vessel slower and slower in their narcissistic need to find a hint of secondary attention talent means nothing when the ones in charge do nothing to capitalize on anything but themselves starving slowly while you support the business which ignores your work […]

my friend said the texas weather is bipolar as it goes from hot to cold and back again and i realized it reminds me of my mother who has never been diagnosed but i would wager is much the same as the maligned evershiftingweather also explains why it feels as if it is out to […]

the wind through the assortment of construction equipment forms a symphonic catastrophe in industrial wind chimes squealing gears grinding as the chains dance high above hard hat adorned ants in neon vests it took two hours to travel less than forty miles as the plaque buildup in asphalt arteries leads to a congestion starving the […]

i am no hunter relentlessly chasing prey though the instincts worn dull by generations of civility still seek the chase after those with no interest in being caught i don’t pursue not any more no reason to disturb the peace by offending the docile creatures simply trying to survive themselves beauty has become a passing […]

standing inside of the leasing office the gentle fountain bubbled in a lazy spiral down into the name sake bear creek thick woods encircling the entirety of the simple complex geckos sunning on the concrete around the turquoise pool surrounded by vibrant if slightly garish orange cushioned wicker furniture and it almost seemed like a […]

blue jays dart in and out of the bushes as the scorpions and rattlesnakes emerge to a heatwave baking a shell shocked texas to dust at war with iranthemediaourselves cut off from the disgusted world as a tangerine dusted pedophile performs as if no one knows his diaper is full and his mind is riddled […]

i wrote one thousand words of which i deleted nearly all then rewrote three hundred words which said exactly the same in a more concise manner taptaptapping on the hull of the ship listening for slight imperfections only to tear it apart and rebuild a better boat using the same scraps every story is its […]

a stillness drapes the city a supple lack of the frenetic activity in the overcapacityhive where honey is refined from dreampollen spores languishing on thepollutedbreeze a steady amber drip slowly consumes the angry drivers scuttling in and out of paralyzed lanes as the early rays melt the waxen comb into a turgid river filledwithlusciouslies

wrote so much yesterday i am empty today floating in the abyss the gaping abscess pulsatingseductively across the cataract coruptingmythirdeye i dreamt i died onlytowakeuncertain it was a dream at all worse though i couldn’t make myself pretend to care

i have a type. types. the sweet zones scratching those primordial itches. fuzzy guitars. thick bass lines. boom bap. scratches. a brass section. microtonal. distortion. attitude.outlaw. protest. punk. math. backpack. indie. noise. short. punchy. with a depth be it sonic or emotional. for the next two and a half minutes, i need to move. fall […]

when i was a kid just after dinosaurs but well before cell phones and memes i remember pedophilia was as mainstream as it could be possibly be top ten songs and the bands which sang them proclaimed their desire openly as stadiums filled with kids all screamed every word it was en vogue to sexualize […]

i am exhausted right up until my head touches the pillow suddenly stories sing and all i can do is follow them and whatever sticks still in the morning goes onto the whiteboard then i sit in a fugue state as the sparrows hop on the railing eager for another half baked tale so much […]

people don’tunderstand how condescending it is when you write off everything as oh, he is bipolar. give him time it’ll pass. not every instanceofupset is insanity. i know the walls of my prison every crack and crevice i stay silent as i figure out if it is irrational or real before speaking. i am not […]

the sunlight breaks around an iron and glass spire an eruption in soothing warmth misleading feeling almost loving nurturing which makes each of my scars tingle as i remember how quickly a mother’s embrace can go bad the same diffusion of golden life will happily burn the flesh from bone fire only knows the hunger […]

you cannot expect anything from anyone especially those who claim to be your friends yet only make excuses or tell you lies when you break the silence they force you into i pay attention watch contradictions and see the truth then get called the crazy one because it is easier than any of them accepting […]

at times my silence defines me when everything is too fucking everything all at the same time my hand trailing in the lazy wake sensing a change in the undertow conditioned to have a danger sense similar to the sparrows feeling fluctuations in the air pressure ensuring a swift retreat to quiet you learn a […]

the days blur another monday probably in a concrete tomb hiding in my car as the world angrily awakens all around me the time change manages to keep the sun permanently rising as i leave ensuring half sight as i trundle down the asphalt arteries towards the cancerous heart of commerce the city stricken withmononucleosis […]

the sky a spiral of ash within lies molten fury of the sun glaring from the unstable eye of armageddon goldendaggers piercing the arrogantpenumbra of third eye pandering in politicalparlance even blind the image of her burns undisturbed guiding a desolation of dreamdander home

expecting a forty degree temperature drop from this morning to tomorrow as i lay tangled in thornyviralvines flaringandfading as the rigors of mortis tease my anemic frame phantom smells dreamshatter lingering in swollen sinuses of lilacs on the warm breeze a twitching dormouse with a barn owl burnt into his fevered brain mother nature should […]

i wasa ship crashingupon jagged rocksmere milesfrom safe harbor a ricochetbouncing off ofa steel girderstriking aninnocentbystander a deep shadow on a sunny day in acemetery for incontinent dreamers, the gapbetween wheezing breaths where the worldpulsates in time to the warbling spotsgathering in the periphery. i am the cold, gold cross between her sinful, supple breasts. […]

fingers scrape the rancid film separating sunlight into filthy rays dripping malice thisgoddamnedworld keepspunchingdown setting sights on picking fights with anunsettlinglyunwellman the peacock picked a lock and found a hoard of treasure, the lion kept denying even an ounce of pleasure. blood is thicker than water, but gold is far thicker still. trust no one, […]

the view of earth hovering so many miles away i could reach out pluck it up and slip it into my pocket which i imagine would make for one helluva fright as everything was suddenly plunged into darkness i can almost lose myself in this flight of fancy if it weren’t for the incessant beep […]

my soul is an abscess radiating negativity souring sunlight sending reverberations thundering in my wake i cannot find my smile nor fake the incremental musclemovements necessary for anymore than a less petulant sort of frown if typically i find my own presence taxing in this dire mood i long to not share the same four […]

a pigeon stopped by cooing at me as i tried to explain i only speak sparrowese it continued oblivious to my ignorance all i could do was nod and make soothing noises i hoped coincided with whatever tragedy was being told it’s frankly ridiculous to assume someone speaks pigeon just because you saw them converse […]

this sickness whispers incessant doomsday prophecies as it grasps tightly to my cerebellum spiraling downdowndown into my dreams while tendrils of frozen lava run through labored veins i have lost my voice succumbed to silence as i weave in and out of semiconsciousness in a world which hasn’t noticed my absence the friends who seem […]

the constant exhaustion and sudden fevers has been identified as adenovirus at least i wasn’t crazy about being sick the rest is unfortunately still accurate the way it’s clamped down feels like a downswing to a depressive state but with enough physical effects to tell me it could be a combination platter of filth i […]

i woke feverish as thunder rattled the room lightning shattered the dark i knew not if it was dream or a new hell as i wobbled down the hall bladder in midst of panic a brief escape from the montage of nightmares force fed in each gasping breath anendlessonslaught of recycled scars taptaptapping on my […]

a careful conveyance of confidence as they recite a litany of missed markers over the last fiscal year sales slipped so of course they cancelled the service trip because service is the least important artery while being the only consistent source of revenue then they included service as they bragged about the four trips they […]

woke to jackhammers in my skull and razor wire wrapped around my stomach in a state of nauseated exhaustion after an evening filled withfeverdreams might not be an external illness just the fact i am sick of myself manifesting in a need to shut the fuck up and learn when my presence is merely tolerated […]

this arbitrary act of time adjustment is no longer applicable just an artificial actionassuming analog actions inanallconsuming digital age there is no confusion amongstmymany sparrow soldiers just the same happy trilling to greet the dawn ignoring axial tilt or imaginary hands pointing at meaningless numbers i long to sleep when it hits to wake only […]

flashflood warnings sound i have my things gathered on my makeshift raft waiting for the tide to sweep me away fresh water bags of granola a modern day huck finn with a slightly cleaner vocabulary splashing down the swollen rivers which were once major highways pruney fingers grasp the coarse rope keeping my vessel mostly […]

get so manic i cannot stand to be around me as i bouncebouncebounce poetry becomes thehamsterwheel because thesilenceknows i wouldn’t want tobotheranyone with all this theonslaughtofthought should be paralyzing yet i surf along the razor edge where realitybeginstocrumble and still i can pick outindividualpixels wherelifetimescycle inapermanentfeedbackloop of white noise broadcast betweendistortionsin heartthistlesolliloquies there is no […]

i think i find thunderstorms relaxing because they are the truest representation of humanity without the degrading meat shell free of the infernalivory prison set loose to dance free among the seething clouds of consciousness the same as wriggling your toes in the sand orrunningfullsprint across a field of swayingwildflowers as the sun kisses your […]

a comet blazing a fiery line through the irradiated void between pulsating stars reflected off of the shell of the turtle calmly swimming across the cosmos ancient unblinking eyes a silent steadfast wisdom in accepting the universe in its totality as it moves with an unfathomable purpose toward the seething heart of creation i spin […]

being bipolar is basically being a humansized housecat. i get the zoomies and want no demand full affection. and without notice nor provocation need to be immediately left alone. i don’t hiss (i didn’t consider it). i want attention butonlyon my own terms. i love to stare out the window and watch yet as soon […]

the wind chimes have settled the sparrows gone silent only a dog barking breaks the calm and i can feel the pressure building above i have a passion for destruction deconstruction the fury of the tempest on display the chaotic majesty scratchesacertainitch let the rains come thisextendedmanicstretch has run me ragged a nice doomsday gale […]

a hoary hoarde of accumulated cumuli swarm above as i sit waiting for someone in cali to refresh the system which is not nearly as exciting as it sounds unless hurrying up only to wait is your idea of a good time i don’t judge most of my time is spent lost working out the […]

fell asleepon the couchas the lightningdanced in the cloudsto awake tothe sunshining throughthe blindsas if nothinghad occuredthe worldspun off the rainleaving a foolin confused stateover exposedwhile the sparrowshop excitedlytrilling overa brand new day human origamifolding myself upsmallerandsmallerhoping to take ona new formin which to flyaway from my owncrushinginconsequentialities

the lightning bolts of mania have ceased their infernal frequentfirings leavingflashfried systemsfloundering as sleep becomes theonlyimperative broke my own rule on expectations whichmadethemomentary death spiral into a resonation of reticence and regrettable resignations asthecircle continuesto shrink iamexhausted as the gray smothers the city with cancerous pariculates and a chance of rain nappingmyway through another terminaldescent […]

lilac petals in a lavender rain radiate from her perfect smile a heady scent of summer trails her every step as she takes root in a poet’s heart the world does its best to beat selfperceivedflaws deep into our souls and it isn’t until viewed from the correctpointofview the perfection is seen you are seen […]

ever realize you lost something well after it was gone at first you didn’t believe it was truly gone just on time out only to understand it’s been months since anything was more than cordial lost isn’t the correct word withered decayed broke down into dust and blown away? i don’t recommend it. my true […]

i don’t fit into the box i am being exposed to no matter what i do i remain outside and my dreams are starving.