i can’t find my calm i need held and told it’ll be okay even though we both know it will not that it will pass it wouldn’t be so difficult if i didn’t hate every bit of me and if i wasn’t aware of how i can never hope to be enough it doesn’t matter […]

the only thing keeping me tethered to my body is a web of electricity tightly woven around my wheezing heart being a conscious traveler unraveled from the meat is a horrifying excursion into hell gripping tight quite unsure what is coming next but positive it is bad

the coffee ended up being the second most bitter taste after waking from a dream where all of the things she said were true not another case of someone saying what you want to hear rather than sowing honesty in the salty seas of fallen hope she returned all the i love yous she deftly […]

the secret harmony lays in the cacophony squalling where the tides of heartspasms crash against the shores of soulsand forevers a satisfaction in the throbbing dissonance of desire where instinct is a razored tongue tracing the scars which only serve to encapsulate the danger in perfection a hint of copper an undercurrent of pain pushing […]

today the disconnect between electric squid and eroded spine a dissociative chasm best intent tumbles endoverend into i strain yet never hear it find the bottom a clapperless bell swinging madly from the cathedral of abandoned passions a small boy deafened by his own heartbeat longing for all he knows he does not deserve a […]

maintaining a separation between my cancerous hell and the smiles of the humans shuffling across the ouija board living planchettes causing ripples in the hazy veil summoning spirits haunting hallways connecting the underworld with the sunlit horror of interactions between disparate atoms of desperate electron shuddering insignificance

the birds sing the ceiling shifts as the neighbor sleepily stomps his way to greet the tendrils of sunlight slinking over the horizon my tongue coated in bitterness as the coffee steams a condemnation in shimmering condensation condescendingly leaving a concentricity of rings on the table to remind me just how far i have settled […]

yesterday the entire world was coated in a filth where beauty drowned in fetid gasps today i have flatlined i feel nothing just subtle notes of disappointment glistening like dew in the silken strands of my dreamcatcher soul the technical term is splitting it occurs mostly from childhood trauma where it is conditioned by loved […]

i do not knowwhich side ofthe mirrori find myself on is he crazyor did i get all ofthe lucky disordersdoes he smile morehave loved onesis he contentin the mercurialrealm of reflections is she thereholding his handas they talkwas he enoughnot the failurethis version isone worthy ofreciprocation or is he simplymy fucking reflectionan ugly delusionon either […]

after the callousness of the last discard i cannot allow this weakness built on longing to fill my heart any longer the slivers left of my soultender rest in snowglobes filled with lavender embalming fluid and the last dreams of forever in plastic particulates when the desire to be loved grows i shake the globes […]

no cohesion between the vibrations rattling in atomic dissonance resulting in a separation where panic slices the anxious dissent in contentiously conscientious shiting states of sparkling unconsciousness navigating corridors in an endless barrage of dead end daydreams an absolution in abdicated allusions as assimilated aspersions accentuate anonymity i blow one last kiss as the portcullis […]

the words sing but warbled against the veil of apathy simmering in a pharmacy parking lot with a view of a pollution laden dingy skyline where all i see are souls screaming dissent in concrete tombs i prefer the days where the colors seem slightly too vibrant compared to when it all feels washed out […]

the sun’s halo hesitantly ignites over azure delusion in captured breaths a slight downtick in axial tilt redrawing the hierarchical glares in petulant longing lady summer changes into a dappled gown of crimson and amber despite the rage stabbing photonic daggers maniacally into the manic fool the still beauty of the heron staring unblinking into […]

i can never remember my age but statistically it is an anomaly because for the entirety i have fought the urge to fucking end it not to stop illusions of pain but merely to make the whirlwind finally fucking cease if it isn’t my mood it’s my interpretation of everything outside usually both ganging up […]

dissociation is my power saving mode after another night trapped inside a waking nightmare factory inducing exquisite insanities a simple disconnect as september crashes into october in a haze of dreamembers turning to ash in little craters all around my satellite heart while it churns out aching odes to the ladies who knew after a […]

when giving in to the fluctuations occuring rampantly across both my x and y axes i breathe deep through broken glass filled lungs and remember once sylvia smiled as she watched the bees hank tore up another racing forum in abject disgust joey ramone didn’t want to grow up and lemmy doubled down on the […]

i have been shattered discarded and yet still i reflect your light in an array of dizzying dancing distortions a prism in reverse pulling the filaments of beauty into a bouquet of disappointments. a two dimensional take on transcendental wonder blurred by the mercurial madnesses effortlessly spun from effervescent sorrow clumsily molded into a vaguely […]

i am just an electrical spirit haunting a failing form of decaying meat forcefed stimuli i cannot quite trust while flushed with chemicals in all the wrong doses searching for another damned ghost locked in the same doom with whom to slowly rot together. instead i scream inside the confines of an ivory inlaided tomb […]

i pick through multicolored gravel your soulscatter gleaming voraciously aquarium rocks in illusionary shades of truth as i scrabble to reform the image of stolen moments sequestered in springtime follies beneath the wisteria in the sodden demise of yesterday’s wonder tucking away stones enhanced with heartglimmer laying by the oceanic realm of receding waves overpopulated […]

the air is filled with a stagnancy of pungent reminders in stale reticence as the pale moon fillibusters across the gentle bruising of morning’s fury a chalkdust phantom glaring muddily in hazy cerulean restraint a bitterness washes across the tentative skyline of concrete insignificance clawing desperate for one glorious moment in her unblinking gaze before […]

i may not be sure of what you see exactly when you look down and lock eyes as i feast upon the supple delicacy betwixt your lovely thighs but judging by the way your fingers grip the back of my skull as your body grows rigid as the waves of pleasure erase reality i imagine […]

the half blind poetfrom squinting at thefine print carefullyetched frantically uponanother tear streakedmissive on how it mostcertainly wasn’t me which only reiteratesit was never going to be me i had an epiphanywhilest pondering thepersnickety natureof pervasive chemicalsin another of my cyclicalplunges into the coldsluice of swirling angst there is a conjunction injuxtaposed disorders where exmarks […]

we are naught but pawns on someone else’s board despite our best attempts at being ourselves we have little control over how their perceptions discolor our truth as we become lesser than in their games of obsessive malaise i am no dream just a nightmare as yet unfulfilled ask the long line of former flames […]

she was the heroine of her own faerie tale happily allowing the evil queen to dictate her every move while bemoaning her fate as she ignored the breadcrumb trail leading to all the things she dreamt of i was the toad hoping to have my curse broken as her sweet lips were occupied on the […]

can anyone help i seem to have misplaced myself and i am very lost i am unsure if i ever really was here at all following the footsteps of phantoms fartherandfurther from the faded failings of former fiery phoenixes forever flaiing in flickering flames it’s fine same as it ever was ignore the muffled pleas […]

she smiled and i saw my apocalypse unfold (theskinwasblastedfrommy smilingskullasitriedtosmileback) i fell into her ringed madness so familiar (panickedparalysisaspinpricks ofadrenalineignitesendingflashes oflavenderblossomsbursting) she licked her lips and limerence in a rapturous rupture engulfed the world (thensehwasgoneandiwasleft shakinginapoolofmygreatest failuresdreamingofheraseverything fellapartandiwasntsureifsheeever wastrulythereatall)

i need to hide find myself in this mess of anxiety an understanding why i am incapable of being more than a shadow in the lives of loved ones borderline living means being a perpetual self fulfilling prophecy waiting for the other show to drop preparing for the worst with every cell until it is […]

the day has been a beguiling shade of silvery dementia in strains of autumn by way of summer’s contrite desperation to retain her thrall of fiery disdain in my hermitage the seasons are simply differently colored stains when i peek my head from my burrow leading to an easy disarray in confused dissociation as i […]

spent the night counting raindrops as they tapped against the window a brief nap where she awaited smiling sadly from across a chasm at a fool pondering a running start not considering if i could make it across or trying to be sure the fall was fatal and as i lay there heart hammering against […]

it is better for your heart if mine simply goes away no one should be expected to carry this burden and call it love

this morning the world is still pregnant with anticipation of the storms hovering a hushed staccato of brewing static the haze drapes itself over concrete spires the broken teeth of the smothered city pitted by pollution dehydrated by the fury of summer’s passionate glare

she told me she wanted to be the next page in my journal i asked her what page she thought she would be bettie or bible a smile flashed telling me she planned on being equal parts heaven and hell i smiled back and slowly vanished in front of her disbelieving gaze all that remained […]

the birds hop tentative after red skies washed over the pregnant silence of dawn breaking dream i hope she slept unphased by crimson as the sun’s fangs carved furrows in the onyx blanket casting stars to the lowly earth in summer’s last tantrum before autumn falls her somnambulist stare holding the last tender torn from […]

lost myself in the spiraling of dough and cinnamon floured nose as the kids snore low bass rumbles a tectonic dissonance in dissociative splendor as i roll up the hungering nothingness gently brushing her lips against the back of my neck i sink downdowndown through the cracked linoleum into the crawlspace between states of unbeing […]

there is a benevolence in her administering the poison directly into my aorta with a precision just as the effects of the last dose have sweated out one more hit chasing the disinterest in the chemical deficiencies leaving me vulnerable to wanting the fix as it destroys me

i hope this finds you well you woke fully rested the birds sang as the sun rose to take in your sheer beauty i hope you hit every green light and don’t have to wait on anyone today that everything you desire is within reach i hope your heart is full you are appreciated for […]

in a long languishing period of tarnished lucidity where an obsessional period diving deeply into a metaphorical jungle of jungian lunacy leaves me with a deeper grasp most modern psychology seems to be as baseless as astrology replacing dead celestial forms with a redundancy of blame shifting the unequivocal truth being no two beings see […]

my self imposedsolitudesitting crisscrossapplesauce inthe stagnant siltstale air in thebrass diving bellslowly contortingunder the intensepressure shiftingporous ivory bonesto diamond shatterwanly reflectingthe dying lightin hazel abandonment hank tells me thati shouldn’t trysylvia points acrooked finger tothe escape exitand i am frozen herethe black spotsdance as every cellscreams for the cool aira million miles abovethese sanguinisticsheets of […]

when i am reallyreally strugglingi try to paintthe pain in prettysmears of repulsive coat the suicidalideations in metaphorplace the maskdirectly into the ætherso no one sees me no one wants to seehell in personbrimstone sermonssatiate the curious toleave well enough alone my head and my hearthurt today and i don’tfeel much like paintingalthough i fantasizeof […]

the universe seeks balance little things like two books releasing at number one while you haven’t eaten in a week or so to make sure you stay hmuble there is no reward just a six foot hole and if you’re lucky they spell your name correctly before the constant wind erodes the granite into a […]

this fractured mind of mine is always falling downdowndown falling into love into depression dragged screaming into a manic fit broken fingernails lodged inside my hollowed out skull where i tried to perform another cunning escape from the chemicals forcing me to fall forever at terminal velocity with no hope of ever finally fucking crashing […]

if i could convince myself in limerence ignoring the frozen moment in which our souls recognized exactly what it was we both desired i only wish i could check out as easily as her not be sitting telling the sparrows to carry birthday wishes on the breeze

pretty sure this isnt my first pass through this labyrinth and the trail of red yarn i leave behind has become a carpet as i take every left i am presented now i fear i have been walking in circles farther from where the only exit from this hell my mind constructs as i try […]

please don’t look at me my uneasy intangibility has me feeling far too raw all there is in this foolish partially poetic catastrophic tide is eventual and irrevocable disappointment

she was a limerence a lovely actress playing at perfection who needed to see she was someone who is worthy of love even if she had no emotional investment in any one except for herself i was just the madman with no concept of self she could use to build herself up incapabie of seeing […]

listening to too much alan watts only reinforces my inability to give up this icy vein of nihilistic angst as i have given up on the pursuit of anything whatsoever in my quixotic life an acceptance that the words are all i will ever be able to claim as my own mainlining lightning to ease […]

it isn’tisolationnot exactly it isn’tas if i do nothave peopleto talk toones i knowcare about me it’s memy brain i feel sogoddamnedall aloneall the time can you imaginefeeling ancillaryin your own life as if anyonewho speaks to youhas somethingmore importantthey could be doing so you shrink don’t be a botherif they want to talkthey will […]

hollowa chocolate bunnysculpted intothis formincapableof sustainingthe ignoble weightof semi existencesemisweetsemisentientmelting under theintense scrutinyof self i nappedto rid myself ofthis infernalfucking headacheonly to wakewith her nameon my tongueand this miserynow fluctuatingfrom skull to chest calcified remainsof every i love youfallen soundlessfrom bloodied lipsforms a granite tombaround my chocolatehollowed out heartas cracks run downmy semi crystallinesucrose saturatedinsignificant […]

whisper all your secrets into my desperate ear let me take your sins into my soul so you can float above the filthy floor my charcoal smudged incidental innocence craves every ounce of the things you are so careful to keep locked away

if you could please forget all about my existence scrub the creases of your gray matter until i am no more than an abrasion a blur smearing all of the things i never was into a slurry toxins to be flushed away motes of itchy souldander swirling downdowndown the dingy drain let me be the […]

after spending too much of my life destroying everything i touched and not understanding why, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. my BPDs. i live my life on a rollercoaster. trapped in my head. my view of myself is a collection of scars and ugliness. i take in the entire world, […]

i don’t havea devilon my shoulderi have a legionof demons screamingin my skull you can onlyput up the good fightfor so longbefore the hellinside your soulis going to win i can always usethe bridgesi so gleefullyburned toguide me back homeonce more

i am a stray bolt of static discharge against the exposed flesh of beauty an amethyst spark reminding the bastards i am still here still ugly and bleeding out in three quarter time a simple act of willful desecration on the stillborn heart of love leaving scars along your tender perfection

one of these nights will end without the aching i love you slipping from my deadened lips tonight is not the evening for anything except sorrow and regret

i am a broken window my last piece of peace dangles precariously in the breeze a scintillating shard of sanity i eagerly await watching fall i saw her and in her smile i saw everything except she was smiling at someone behind me maybe i was never truly there at all hell i’m not wholly […]

i had to teach myself to scream in lowercase to control the hyperbolic tide within now when i whisper the hairs stand on your elegant neck it is no wonder normal hearts are vaporized by an intensity they have only ever dreamt of i am the greatest mistake your precious heart can possibly make momentarily […]

i turn the phone back on at 530 make the first shaker of protein powder and coffee my daily sustenance as the notifications vibrate across the coffee table sylvia’s words dance in my mind as the bitter crosses my tongue and birdsong breaks the dawn as the first rays of dawn cut across my eyes […]

i may never shine as brightly as the sun the easy way she does but my shattered makes beautiful little rainbows on the wall as i refract her light casting an illusion of depth in the vast vacancy filling a poetic delusion

if i could see myself could i find what is missing become enough for once rather than kept a secret left disposable as has been the case timeandtimeagain for as long as i can recall my heart is addictive enough to bring them back but never enough to make them stay a blind man who […]

the oscilating sine wave of emotional polarity fluctuates regardless of insignificance the same as the purple clusters rupturing in rapturous resonance while i allow the sonic wall blaring to ease the transition into a dissociative fugue of uncertainty hoping to strengthen the poisonous film encasing the ivory cage to keep my ramshackle heart from ever […]

i forget the agony inherent in dreams until i awake inconsolable in mounting waves of a morning spent mourning a technicolor world i can no longer interact with still the sparrows wait patiently for the madness to spill out into the fresh dawn and languish lethargically as i sit silent trying to repiece the dreamscatter […]

momentarily my heart has been held by the most beautiful women on the planet i still remember how delicious there names felt along my cardial nerve even when the mere thought of them is spinning blades of serrated ice along my left ventricle if i close my eyes i can feel her fingers curled around […]

i am fine minus the waves of paralyzing grief slamming against my sternum when i remember to breathe baby steps to simply badly broken

life just merrily continues along mindless of the miseries left scattered in its wake triggering little catastrophes in nauseating swells with salmonella scetned sweetness there isn’t time to collect the shattered bits we just have to learn to continue on knowing the best parts of ourselves were part of the toll paid just to keep […]

in my stubborn sentimentality my password for work was just my nickname for her which was fine when there was a thought where she wanted to be associated with a loveless fool the password expired weeks after her feelings for me at least i won’t have to type out hoarfrost reminders of failing again

dreams fade the harder you try to hold on because dreams are only the mind recycling trash vignettes of a world filled with impossibilities such as flying or being enough my mind keeps me awake throughout the evenings so i do not fall victim to delusions of hope

how can i trust anything when i cannot trust my heart? i have never felt so ashamed in myself. and that’s really saying something. i feel stuck between reincarnations becoming a trash receptacle with empty when used etched on my chest.

the cicadas scream a reverberation of chitinous need shivering a subsonic cacophony in time with the lavender flashes engulfing all into a dissolution of heat waves quaking at a molecular level

there is a correlation between dedicating my words and a sudden end of emotional investmency as if letting the world know their importance ignites a fuse racing to implode barely got to correct the newest to reflect the latest abandonment of an unwanted heart before i embarrassed myself any further spilling my guts over someone […]

the hollowness in hearing so often it isn’t me when it most fucking certainly has to be because there is no other explanation to how little consideration is ever afforded to the fact i was always right fucking here no one can be so consistently taken for fucking granted and it not be some fatal […]

the razor edge between understanding and acceptance may as well be an infinite chasm when each breath is embraced by frozen barbwire barrelling blindly down an unmarked series of one ways and all there are at the end of each is blank wall so i scrawl the names of the ladies i disappointed by never […]

i told the heron how i was dismissed by her beautiful yet vacant heart she gave me a fish again and we sat miserable in the bone deep misery of a loneliness shared

the birds do not sing of sunrise they sit morose as the mad king paces silently seeking to put himself somewhat back together enough to seem mostly humanish for the next catastrophic fail i dreamt of her once a sign from the universe maybe there was a chance at the hope so typically tethered to […]

i once drove nine hours simply to hold her hand and when i left she went back to her ex and waited three months to tell me all while i waited for her like a gigantic fucking idiot can you imagine a fractured mind paralyzed loving constantly through uncertainty while she was with the person […]

the first words on this new phone a fresh start for an old fool who’s rather fucking sick of starting over this phone isn’t tainted by all the i love yous gone unreturned the miseries where exe marked my latest demise here is to one last chance at being someone’s someone special maybe

the sparrows seem confused hopping on the wooden rail waiting for the words they spread like seeds across the city of damned souls seeking salvation in a world plunged in night i have nothing no hopeful prose just serrated blades in place of happiness sitting with coffee and this overwhelming sense of emptiness in my […]

the best part of a multi month farewell as discovered quite accidentally by an absolute troglodyte in manners of the heart is this: by the time they find the time to officially end things i have had forever to fill sand bags it’s only my soul which is shattered my brain already was able to […]

i write about love so much because i am undeserving of it yet enamored by the thought i know what i am no matter how pretty the words there is no hope for me but it sure bleeds prettily as i try to recall how to breathe i make a helluva friend though

i have these conversations where i explain my manic shatter to the people i wish wanted to talk to me in my head when i try to sleep i carefully construct the words detailing which actions left me in this state where i feel incapable of speaking out loud smallerandsmaller iballupmyemotions mutteringtomyself inthesilencewhile she goes […]

i stapled my heart to my sleeve not to wear my emotions openly but as a warning when i express my feelings they sound hyperbolic to normal folks the vibrancy is alluring until they see it doesn’t end a human yo-yo making an ass of himself as the chemicals wash out any common sense you […]

a pod of whales suspended nose up the light fractures the waves as they sleep lost in the dreams of brief moments in sunlight before they are swallowed by the darkness once more. i sing a song of loneliness muffled by the weight of the seas a dirge for those left so unrequited in their […]

it is not the flailing carcass shocked to life by gelatin flush with chemical dispersions which define existence it is space the infinte nothingsness imperceptible yet flush in vacuous denial this intangible emptiness which keeps our souls apart truly defining humans being some distances much the same as some forevers are only as long as […]

multiple times throughout the night i wake with a start as my soul slams back into its rancid tomb i oscilate suspended in god’s inner ear an irritating ossicle whispering the sins of the perpetually fallen languishing in a semipoetic fugue of futility my superball soul ricochets off the casual indifference showering the strained refrains […]

each morning i sit with coffee steaming as the sparrows hop excitedly on the deck awaiting the monomolecular edge of the scalpel to open a fresh wound releasing a flood of ink in rancid decline to pour across cerulean lies snapshots of a shattered soul refracting the light she used to shine so freely now […]

i thought i was tending a flower garden yet again the plastic buds distracted a fool from realizing it was just another graveyard plot as the dye faded despite many attempts at rejected affections i make a better undertaker than gardener embalming something fleeting into a pain which endures forever

curiosity taught the dogs an important lesson even as the cats casually ignored the causality and continued with a reckless desire for moreandmore

too many things racing the convoluted track inside my brain the same rollercoaster keeping me just on this side of nauseous rapture an electron pinging in a lonely orbit a forgotten castoff from her photonics pitted with misery a lowly moon adrift lost in her penumbra fadingfadingfading until nothing remains a casual acceptance in my […]

the pill shakes the sleepy insomnial tendrils as the sparks ignite a lightning ball in the pit of anxieties which keep me tossing all night feeding one hell in place of another exchanging one terminal velocity for a new twist on the same old self destruction you see every aspect of what i am (un)filtered […]

i yearn to speak yet my brain screams no one cares so i simply select all and delete then go back into a ball of icy aches wondering if this storm will ever pass it will until the next and knowing this hopelessness is waiting makes it that much more difficult to manage

overfull of unwanted adorations bristling with an inferno scorching ivory with blackened declarations until only greasy ashes dance across her perfect flesh the world pulses in time with the ache in my chest my lips crumble with one last wasted i love you leaving no sign i was ever here

it’s god’s little joke giving me this ability to see beauty in everything except myself shattering me into a prism to split all these emotions into needles to pierce the æther with all the things i lack i would give my frontal lobe to be held just until this storm passes i would offer my […]

for months now i have felt so incredibly small unvisible to the naked eye and now i am an ant underneath a magnifying glass a tragedy smeared across slides and viewed from an electron microscope a floaty in god’s retina dissected by divisive photons yet fully consumed by misguidedly decisive disinterest

i sit without a morning spark sputtering as my engine refuses to fire after a long night turning over rather than shutting down the gears grind as my mainframe shudders along with her vacancy filling in the gap where my arms should be wrapped around her with the last sighs of final surrenders the coffee […]

the drugs don’t do a thing but make the depression more pliable hiding in a shaded spot the shadows of leaves swaying seem razor tipped sawing slowly through the dappled windshield i was nothing more than a gnat annoying the fickle heart of sweet love now i am a smear on the back of her […]

the sunshine lends a hollowness to the city scenery devoid of any actuality a fabrication filled with fallen angels broken wings dragging across shattered sidewalks as golden forms slam wetly every other block showering dead dreamers in a phantasmal orgy of gore soaked wonder i search frantically for shelter to hide from my own simmering […]