she smiled and i saw my apocalypse unfold (theskinwasblastedfrommy smilingskullasitriedtosmileback) i fell into her ringed madness so familiar (panickedparalysisaspinpricks ofadrenalineignitesendingflashes oflavenderblossomsbursting) she licked her lips and limerence in a rapturous rupture engulfed the world (thensehwasgoneandiwasleft shakinginapoolofmygreatest failuresdreamingofheraseverything fellapartandiwasntsureifsheeever wastrulythereatall)

i need to hide find myself in this mess of anxiety an understanding why i am incapable of being more than a shadow in the lives of loved ones borderline living means being a perpetual self fulfilling prophecy waiting for the other show to drop preparing for the worst with every cell until it is […]

the day has been a beguiling shade of silvery dementia in strains of autumn by way of summer’s contrite desperation to retain her thrall of fiery disdain in my hermitage the seasons are simply differently colored stains when i peek my head from my burrow leading to an easy disarray in confused dissociation as i […]

spent the night counting raindrops as they tapped against the window a brief nap where she awaited smiling sadly from across a chasm at a fool pondering a running start not considering if i could make it across or trying to be sure the fall was fatal and as i lay there heart hammering against […]

it is better for your heart if mine simply goes away no one should be expected to carry this burden and call it love

this morning the world is still pregnant with anticipation of the storms hovering a hushed staccato of brewing static the haze drapes itself over concrete spires the broken teeth of the smothered city pitted by pollution dehydrated by the fury of summer’s passionate glare

she told me she wanted to be the next page in my journal i asked her what page she thought she would be bettie or bible a smile flashed telling me she planned on being equal parts heaven and hell i smiled back and slowly vanished in front of her disbelieving gaze all that remained […]

the birds hop tentative after red skies washed over the pregnant silence of dawn breaking dream i hope she slept unphased by crimson as the sun’s fangs carved furrows in the onyx blanket casting stars to the lowly earth in summer’s last tantrum before autumn falls her somnambulist stare holding the last tender torn from […]

lost myself in the spiraling of dough and cinnamon floured nose as the kids snore low bass rumbles a tectonic dissonance in dissociative splendor as i roll up the hungering nothingness gently brushing her lips against the back of my neck i sink downdowndown through the cracked linoleum into the crawlspace between states of unbeing […]

there is a benevolence in her administering the poison directly into my aorta with a precision just as the effects of the last dose have sweated out one more hit chasing the disinterest in the chemical deficiencies leaving me vulnerable to wanting the fix as it destroys me

i hope this finds you well you woke fully rested the birds sang as the sun rose to take in your sheer beauty i hope you hit every green light and don’t have to wait on anyone today that everything you desire is within reach i hope your heart is full you are appreciated for […]

in a long languishing period of tarnished lucidity where an obsessional period diving deeply into a metaphorical jungle of jungian lunacy leaves me with a deeper grasp most modern psychology seems to be as baseless as astrology replacing dead celestial forms with a redundancy of blame shifting the unequivocal truth being no two beings see […]

my self imposedsolitudesitting crisscrossapplesauce inthe stagnant siltstale air in thebrass diving bellslowly contortingunder the intensepressure shiftingporous ivory bonesto diamond shatterwanly reflectingthe dying lightin hazel abandonment hank tells me thati shouldn’t trysylvia points acrooked finger tothe escape exitand i am frozen herethe black spotsdance as every cellscreams for the cool aira million miles abovethese sanguinisticsheets of […]

when i am reallyreally strugglingi try to paintthe pain in prettysmears of repulsive coat the suicidalideations in metaphorplace the maskdirectly into the ætherso no one sees me no one wants to seehell in personbrimstone sermonssatiate the curious toleave well enough alone my head and my hearthurt today and i don’tfeel much like paintingalthough i fantasizeof […]

the universe seeks balance little things like two books releasing at number one while you haven’t eaten in a week or so to make sure you stay hmuble there is no reward just a six foot hole and if you’re lucky they spell your name correctly before the constant wind erodes the granite into a […]

this fractured mind of mine is always falling downdowndown falling into love into depression dragged screaming into a manic fit broken fingernails lodged inside my hollowed out skull where i tried to perform another cunning escape from the chemicals forcing me to fall forever at terminal velocity with no hope of ever finally fucking crashing […]

if i could convince myself in limerence ignoring the frozen moment in which our souls recognized exactly what it was we both desired i only wish i could check out as easily as her not be sitting telling the sparrows to carry birthday wishes on the breeze

pretty sure this isnt my first pass through this labyrinth and the trail of red yarn i leave behind has become a carpet as i take every left i am presented now i fear i have been walking in circles farther from where the only exit from this hell my mind constructs as i try […]

please don’t look at me my uneasy intangibility has me feeling far too raw all there is in this foolish partially poetic catastrophic tide is eventual and irrevocable disappointment

she was a limerence a lovely actress playing at perfection who needed to see she was someone who is worthy of love even if she had no emotional investment in any one except for herself i was just the madman with no concept of self she could use to build herself up incapabie of seeing […]

listening to too much alan watts only reinforces my inability to give up this icy vein of nihilistic angst as i have given up on the pursuit of anything whatsoever in my quixotic life an acceptance that the words are all i will ever be able to claim as my own mainlining lightning to ease […]

it isn’tisolationnot exactly it isn’tas if i do nothave peopleto talk toones i knowcare about me it’s memy brain i feel sogoddamnedall aloneall the time can you imaginefeeling ancillaryin your own life as if anyonewho speaks to youhas somethingmore importantthey could be doing so you shrink don’t be a botherif they want to talkthey will […]

hollowa chocolate bunnysculpted intothis formincapableof sustainingthe ignoble weightof semi existencesemisweetsemisentientmelting under theintense scrutinyof self i nappedto rid myself ofthis infernalfucking headacheonly to wakewith her nameon my tongueand this miserynow fluctuatingfrom skull to chest calcified remainsof every i love youfallen soundlessfrom bloodied lipsforms a granite tombaround my chocolatehollowed out heartas cracks run downmy semi crystallinesucrose saturatedinsignificant […]

whisper all your secrets into my desperate ear let me take your sins into my soul so you can float above the filthy floor my charcoal smudged incidental innocence craves every ounce of the things you are so careful to keep locked away

if you could please forget all about my existence scrub the creases of your gray matter until i am no more than an abrasion a blur smearing all of the things i never was into a slurry toxins to be flushed away motes of itchy souldander swirling downdowndown the dingy drain let me be the […]

after spending too much of my life destroying everything i touched and not understanding why, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. my BPDs. i live my life on a rollercoaster. trapped in my head. my view of myself is a collection of scars and ugliness. i take in the entire world, […]

i don’t havea devilon my shoulderi have a legionof demons screamingin my skull you can onlyput up the good fightfor so longbefore the hellinside your soulis going to win i can always usethe bridgesi so gleefullyburned toguide me back homeonce more

i am a stray bolt of static discharge against the exposed flesh of beauty an amethyst spark reminding the bastards i am still here still ugly and bleeding out in three quarter time a simple act of willful desecration on the stillborn heart of love leaving scars along your tender perfection

one of these nights will end without the aching i love you slipping from my deadened lips tonight is not the evening for anything except sorrow and regret

i am a broken window my last piece of peace dangles precariously in the breeze a scintillating shard of sanity i eagerly await watching fall i saw her and in her smile i saw everything except she was smiling at someone behind me maybe i was never truly there at all hell i’m not wholly […]

i had to teach myself to scream in lowercase to control the hyperbolic tide within now when i whisper the hairs stand on your elegant neck it is no wonder normal hearts are vaporized by an intensity they have only ever dreamt of i am the greatest mistake your precious heart can possibly make momentarily […]

i turn the phone back on at 530 make the first shaker of protein powder and coffee my daily sustenance as the notifications vibrate across the coffee table sylvia’s words dance in my mind as the bitter crosses my tongue and birdsong breaks the dawn as the first rays of dawn cut across my eyes […]

i may never shine as brightly as the sun the easy way she does but my shattered makes beautiful little rainbows on the wall as i refract her light casting an illusion of depth in the vast vacancy filling a poetic delusion

if i could see myself could i find what is missing become enough for once rather than kept a secret left disposable as has been the case timeandtimeagain for as long as i can recall my heart is addictive enough to bring them back but never enough to make them stay a blind man who […]

the oscilating sine wave of emotional polarity fluctuates regardless of insignificance the same as the purple clusters rupturing in rapturous resonance while i allow the sonic wall blaring to ease the transition into a dissociative fugue of uncertainty hoping to strengthen the poisonous film encasing the ivory cage to keep my ramshackle heart from ever […]

i forget the agony inherent in dreams until i awake inconsolable in mounting waves of a morning spent mourning a technicolor world i can no longer interact with still the sparrows wait patiently for the madness to spill out into the fresh dawn and languish lethargically as i sit silent trying to repiece the dreamscatter […]

momentarily my heart has been held by the most beautiful women on the planet i still remember how delicious there names felt along my cardial nerve even when the mere thought of them is spinning blades of serrated ice along my left ventricle if i close my eyes i can feel her fingers curled around […]

i am fine minus the waves of paralyzing grief slamming against my sternum when i remember to breathe baby steps to simply badly broken

life just merrily continues along mindless of the miseries left scattered in its wake triggering little catastrophes in nauseating swells with salmonella scetned sweetness there isn’t time to collect the shattered bits we just have to learn to continue on knowing the best parts of ourselves were part of the toll paid just to keep […]

in my stubborn sentimentality my password for work was just my nickname for her which was fine when there was a thought where she wanted to be associated with a loveless fool the password expired weeks after her feelings for me at least i won’t have to type out hoarfrost reminders of failing again

dreams fade the harder you try to hold on because dreams are only the mind recycling trash vignettes of a world filled with impossibilities such as flying or being enough my mind keeps me awake throughout the evenings so i do not fall victim to delusions of hope

how can i trust anything when i cannot trust my heart? i have never felt so ashamed in myself. and that’s really saying something. i feel stuck between reincarnations becoming a trash receptacle with empty when used etched on my chest.

the cicadas scream a reverberation of chitinous need shivering a subsonic cacophony in time with the lavender flashes engulfing all into a dissolution of heat waves quaking at a molecular level

there is a correlation between dedicating my words and a sudden end of emotional investmency as if letting the world know their importance ignites a fuse racing to implode barely got to correct the newest to reflect the latest abandonment of an unwanted heart before i embarrassed myself any further spilling my guts over someone […]

the hollowness in hearing so often it isn’t me when it most fucking certainly has to be because there is no other explanation to how little consideration is ever afforded to the fact i was always right fucking here no one can be so consistently taken for fucking granted and it not be some fatal […]

the razor edge between understanding and acceptance may as well be an infinite chasm when each breath is embraced by frozen barbwire barrelling blindly down an unmarked series of one ways and all there are at the end of each is blank wall so i scrawl the names of the ladies i disappointed by never […]

i told the heron how i was dismissed by her beautiful yet vacant heart she gave me a fish again and we sat miserable in the bone deep misery of a loneliness shared

the birds do not sing of sunrise they sit morose as the mad king paces silently seeking to put himself somewhat back together enough to seem mostly humanish for the next catastrophic fail i dreamt of her once a sign from the universe maybe there was a chance at the hope so typically tethered to […]

i once drove nine hours simply to hold her hand and when i left she went back to her ex and waited three months to tell me all while i waited for her like a gigantic fucking idiot can you imagine a fractured mind paralyzed loving constantly through uncertainty while she was with the person […]

the first words on this new phone a fresh start for an old fool who’s rather fucking sick of starting over this phone isn’t tainted by all the i love yous gone unreturned the miseries where exe marked my latest demise here is to one last chance at being someone’s someone special maybe

the sparrows seem confused hopping on the wooden rail waiting for the words they spread like seeds across the city of damned souls seeking salvation in a world plunged in night i have nothing no hopeful prose just serrated blades in place of happiness sitting with coffee and this overwhelming sense of emptiness in my […]

the best part of a multi month farewell as discovered quite accidentally by an absolute troglodyte in manners of the heart is this: by the time they find the time to officially end things i have had forever to fill sand bags it’s only my soul which is shattered my brain already was able to […]

i write about love so much because i am undeserving of it yet enamored by the thought i know what i am no matter how pretty the words there is no hope for me but it sure bleeds prettily as i try to recall how to breathe i make a helluva friend though

i have these conversations where i explain my manic shatter to the people i wish wanted to talk to me in my head when i try to sleep i carefully construct the words detailing which actions left me in this state where i feel incapable of speaking out loud smallerandsmaller iballupmyemotions mutteringtomyself inthesilencewhile she goes […]

i stapled my heart to my sleeve not to wear my emotions openly but as a warning when i express my feelings they sound hyperbolic to normal folks the vibrancy is alluring until they see it doesn’t end a human yo-yo making an ass of himself as the chemicals wash out any common sense you […]

a pod of whales suspended nose up the light fractures the waves as they sleep lost in the dreams of brief moments in sunlight before they are swallowed by the darkness once more. i sing a song of loneliness muffled by the weight of the seas a dirge for those left so unrequited in their […]

it is not the flailing carcass shocked to life by gelatin flush with chemical dispersions which define existence it is space the infinte nothingsness imperceptible yet flush in vacuous denial this intangible emptiness which keeps our souls apart truly defining humans being some distances much the same as some forevers are only as long as […]

multiple times throughout the night i wake with a start as my soul slams back into its rancid tomb i oscilate suspended in god’s inner ear an irritating ossicle whispering the sins of the perpetually fallen languishing in a semipoetic fugue of futility my superball soul ricochets off the casual indifference showering the strained refrains […]

each morning i sit with coffee steaming as the sparrows hop excitedly on the deck awaiting the monomolecular edge of the scalpel to open a fresh wound releasing a flood of ink in rancid decline to pour across cerulean lies snapshots of a shattered soul refracting the light she used to shine so freely now […]

i thought i was tending a flower garden yet again the plastic buds distracted a fool from realizing it was just another graveyard plot as the dye faded despite many attempts at rejected affections i make a better undertaker than gardener embalming something fleeting into a pain which endures forever

curiosity taught the dogs an important lesson even as the cats casually ignored the causality and continued with a reckless desire for moreandmore

too many things racing the convoluted track inside my brain the same rollercoaster keeping me just on this side of nauseous rapture an electron pinging in a lonely orbit a forgotten castoff from her photonics pitted with misery a lowly moon adrift lost in her penumbra fadingfadingfading until nothing remains a casual acceptance in my […]

the pill shakes the sleepy insomnial tendrils as the sparks ignite a lightning ball in the pit of anxieties which keep me tossing all night feeding one hell in place of another exchanging one terminal velocity for a new twist on the same old self destruction you see every aspect of what i am (un)filtered […]

i yearn to speak yet my brain screams no one cares so i simply select all and delete then go back into a ball of icy aches wondering if this storm will ever pass it will until the next and knowing this hopelessness is waiting makes it that much more difficult to manage

overfull of unwanted adorations bristling with an inferno scorching ivory with blackened declarations until only greasy ashes dance across her perfect flesh the world pulses in time with the ache in my chest my lips crumble with one last wasted i love you leaving no sign i was ever here

it’s god’s little joke giving me this ability to see beauty in everything except myself shattering me into a prism to split all these emotions into needles to pierce the æther with all the things i lack i would give my frontal lobe to be held just until this storm passes i would offer my […]

for months now i have felt so incredibly small unvisible to the naked eye and now i am an ant underneath a magnifying glass a tragedy smeared across slides and viewed from an electron microscope a floaty in god’s retina dissected by divisive photons yet fully consumed by misguidedly decisive disinterest

i sit without a morning spark sputtering as my engine refuses to fire after a long night turning over rather than shutting down the gears grind as my mainframe shudders along with her vacancy filling in the gap where my arms should be wrapped around her with the last sighs of final surrenders the coffee […]

the drugs don’t do a thing but make the depression more pliable hiding in a shaded spot the shadows of leaves swaying seem razor tipped sawing slowly through the dappled windshield i was nothing more than a gnat annoying the fickle heart of sweet love now i am a smear on the back of her […]

the sunshine lends a hollowness to the city scenery devoid of any actuality a fabrication filled with fallen angels broken wings dragging across shattered sidewalks as golden forms slam wetly every other block showering dead dreamers in a phantasmal orgy of gore soaked wonder i search frantically for shelter to hide from my own simmering […]

the words always leave me over exposed skinless in a sandstorm wondering why i am never quite enough seeking things uninterested in insanity the lode stone in my chest is attracted to that which will kill me even as my brain screams stop

another day streaked with frantic panicked smears my heartbeat sounds a thunderous clanging blocks away from where i try to recall exactly how to breathe too many eyes staring at a human blur seeing something which isn’t real an amorphous stain ugliness oozing across existence whatever it is you imagine me to be the end […]

it seems as if each morning the sun rises bringing a hint of her lips to tease my heartchoir into a painful song of longing for a love disinterested in semipoetic meanderings the bitterness of coffee windswept with stolen snatches of sparrow songs while i scroll electron desolation seeking sine sign this sanguine sunrise setting […]

i can feel it the hoarfrosted iron barbs wrapped around my chest and stomach ever tightening the anxiety building the panic slowly seeping into each of my nervous cells adrenaline spikes pinpricks of ice blossom across my fevered flesh each breath grows slightly more shallow my lungs starving heart screaming at redline as my brain […]

everything seems so overwhelmingly everythingish all of the goddamned time without ever seeming to take a fucking break untiredly spinning miseries around waning solar impudance a constant pummeling punctuated by a miserable silence where only the consistent tinnitus is the lullabye for a fool filled with scars in the shape of smiles all along his […]

we drove down to austin to see some of our writer friends and so a fool could do a panel on being insane in a mad, mad world it was a blur a who’s who of independent horror twisted minds in the sweetest people the hands which have shaped this community a rogue poet finds […]

the sun feels awfully oppressive for so early all i can do is daydream of her absent heart as i melt down into a primordial ooze of aching regret steaming on the asphalt gurgling faint i love yous before seeping down the drain

at times the fractures cause a steady dissociative angst where i cannot tell where i belong either reality is paperthin or i am shattered beyond saving then the city unfolds for me and i find myself on streets filled with a bitter soulstarving type of hunger as i pass the places we would pull off […]

the chorus of chitinous crickets call out in a distorted complexity of morse code static bursts vibrating in place as they cry out for a momentary connection in an eternity of silent survivalist sensibilities. no different from a fool seeking sunrise with steaming coffee and an aching heart tapping out pedantic verse spilling out technicolors […]

her smile continuously haunts my rare dreams with the promise of lips every cell in my body need to feel pressed firmly against mine i wake a junkie needing one fix one taste to still the shaking in my limbs to ease the thunder in my hollow skull to calm the howling desire burning through […]

if you drive into cleburne from the south the clocktower rises up like a pockmarked brick erection which is likely the kindest thing to be said about the sleepy town just outside of the metroplex you can already see the rot the flood of cookie cutter subdivisions slowly eroding the countryside away one day that […]

the sensation of my darling mania is flying headfirst through a pitch black tunnel of ice with no idea if there is a blind turn or bottomless crevice awaiting me i cling haphazardly to the sides of my seat knowing the dead end of incalculable sadness is the only end for this ride you just […]

there is a five eyed angler fish staring down at a shattered soul lost in the shapes of wispy gray settled succinctly over the silent city the sudden suffocation of a storm threatening in the stagnancy of summer’s sin. demons swirling a bipolar hellscape projected in a mass of seething clouds promising no relief just […]

this ass sees the spots on the wooden carrot where the paint has rubbed off exposing the duplicitous nature of hope. yet it dangles tantalizingly in front of my face always just close enough to seem attainable while remaining ever out of my fumbling grasp. i am aware enough to know yet foolish enough to […]

my mind is a claymore the etching on the broken shell reads face toward the enemy so i direct the explosion inward in an effort to spare those who are actually important to me.

i have spent so long perfecting my paper-mache mask to appear as a real boy when my brain begins to scream in a borderline bipolar klaxon as the world falls apart all around me by the time my mask slips it is a shocking exposure of exactly what i had been trying to warn the […]

i am an accumulation of ghosts haunting a weary skeleton lost in a blizzard of feathers and flower petals a shuffling confusion of crimson tears leading ever further from where i longed to be. an urban legend the dyslexic cupid firing missives of adoration while wasting away in empty lots across the city of unreciprocated […]

you have no fucking idea the lengths my broken brain has me go through to keep this shattered sphere of sin spinning obliviously on its shifting axis repetition routine a rigid fear if i make one small mistake the house of cards comes crashing down there can be no variation in the pattern without sending […]

sitting in the parking lot of a small town newspaper listening to the soundtrack to rocky horror waiting for someone to come unlock the door while lost in the science fiction double feature a relic sitting in a museum lot two artifacts long forgotten in this modern rage of building only momentary monuments as the […]

my strength ebbs as each laborious step strains my feeble form. i am tired fighting a war in my mind contemplating raising the white flag of unconditional surrender since unconditional and failure seem to be etched onto my unraveling strands of dna.

personally and publicly his repugnancy pushed her away and so deep did the poison infuse itself that professionally the toxins were too much for her to be expected to handle as his soulshatter induced her vertiginous rejection. he didn’t quite understand and for too long he continued to seek a spot in the light she […]

i never feared her flame no i longed to feed it to let her set the horizon on fire with her beauty like a thousand fucking suns. i knew all that would remain of my loving remains was a fool burnt into the side of the building with a sliver in the shape of her […]

the malignancy pumping sinful pitch a tumorous growth in the shape of an unwanted heart keeping a corpse trapped in a hell of just being aware enough to see how he is the punchline to a lowercase joke masquerading itself as knife wielding minions of hope. every dream i have ever had burned itself to […]

there is a run down motel next to the tire shop i have been trapped at for hours now i have watched a steady procession of ladies who clearly work the night shift at said motel a caravan of battered blossoms blinking in the harsh summer sun as i wonder at the dreams forsaken to […]

overexposed constantly reminded i am little more than an intangible while never mustering any true substance of my own the lingering attentions from those longing to watch my inevitable fall pointing out with persistent regularity how i was publicly exposed then as abruptly publicly disavowed the sad word boy with his unwanted heart pumping the […]

my heart is a paper airplane crashing to the ground in front of her pretty little feet will i wake before seeing if she carefully unfolds it or simply walks away?

for all of my neurodivergencies keeping me mostly miserable i am aware even if i am my own worst nightmare i am living a dream not only do i get to scribble all the strangest thoughts from my broken brain but there are actually people who seem to enjoy it there are shirts emblazoned with […]

like the calm in the waves crashing her absent heart beats the sweetest

i wonder on nights when the ache is all consuming will it ever fucking end? worse though i fear its absence. because on most nights the aching is all there is. patience isn’t something i was born with it was acquired through pain. now i cannot seem to tell if it is patience or stubborn […]