(un)titled ode XXVII

she is a comet that races through my mind when it is too quiet a blinding blaze that suffuses me with heavenly radiance when it is too loud which it often is she is a comforter draped across my mind to muffle the voices of doubt and shame

drowning in honey

i don’t trust my mouth or words when the feelings of love begin to take over my brain i will find myself standing outside grinning like a fool at the heavy gray clouds a neighbor will wave and i will smile and shout “she wears magic in her smile like a normal person wears shoes […]

(un)titled image IV

i saw her sitting alone on the bench the wind whipping her hair her dress her floppy hat it brought to mind the koi fish fighting for pellets in the pond at the zoo the bodies flopping on one another in gluttonous frenzy mouths sucking at nothing a mindless sort of spasming

waking

i remember waking up and her mumbling she loves me as i crept from bed now i wake up alone but my day doesn’t begin with a lie it is the little things

we(i)ght

thirty pounds ago my shadow seemed more like a balloon twenty pounds ago my pants fit like they should ten pounds ago i began questioning what i was still doing now i just don’t have the money for food but i look good

ends

it might have been the end of the world or the end of the road or the end of the block who can tell when the wildflowers fill your head her voice fills your skull and nothing else matters at all

1day

every tooth in my mouth is a tombstone to every time the words i love you passed over my fool tongue in error one day i will be less of a fool

unnecessary

i have forgotten how to write poetry the words won’t come just flashes of things feathery soft bits of fluff sharp little teeth tearing sinking into brown eyes i have given up on poetry it’s like love unnecessary

bereft

the overcast skies above me her warm flesh beneath it is a dream i know it but i don’t want to wake rejoin this life of empty hope of failing need of loving in vain yet here i sit sickened and bereft

fa(i)thless

it isn’t a biblical life of suffering i live i am more cocaine and unable than hero my lack of faith is a faith in itself so i will cast lots and play the humble poet crucifying myself in an effort to be less of a hassle for you

sunday tanka

woke up tired and mad napped myself into morose if i keep sleeping will i find myself happy or just slip back into mad

microns

she makes me feel like the line between forever and never is as razor thin as the one between lover and over i straddle each with the grace of a drunken monk

ch(u)rch

she laughed at me when i told her she was my fetish she admired my strength my will my glorious anger my limitless sorrow but she never understood my worship of all things her or what it did to me when she snuffed the candle and took her light away so when she called again […]

s(i)mile

it’s cold and wet like a dog’s nose empty like my mother’s eyes so i paint on a smile like a clown pretending it will be okay

consp(i)racy

i collect the dark thoughts like raven feathers as they are born within my mind i nearly have the whole set when i do i will scatter them about my feet like a secondary shadow. then i shall alight upon my new shadow, high above the depths of this hell, and gaze down in hopes […]

(un)titled thought XXXIV

like an idiot i decided to go for a walk in the cold rain it was miserable i was miserable the whole thing was a mistake when it was over i sat staring out the window wishing it showed a different world bound to this cold earth with no tangible means of escape is a […]

not much

i don’t have much but i can compare you to the sunrise breaking over the eastern seas or always tell you that you are my favorite shade of anything yet nothing is comparable to you my love

(non)sens(i)cal

she reminded me of a penguin on an escalator i have no idea where that was going but now you can see the penguin on the escalator as well and that is what she reminded me of

(un)titled image III

she was the prettiest girl in her little town she had the world by the balls now she is angry and chain smokes while the same world passes her by sometimes she clenches her fist just to remember the feel

(un)requited II

did you notice how i couldn’t meet your eyes without blushing or how my voice catches when you say my name no probably not you do not know the way i feel and if you did you would spare my feelings and ignore it

man(i)c

the best part about being mentally unstable is the manic episodes the rest pretty much blows but when you can harness it it isn’t so bad

br(i)nk

outside the window in the cool autumn rain they seem to stand just on the other side of tempered glass revving the engines of the unnecessary lawn implements just pulling the throttle in the living room six fans dehumidifier roar like a swarm of angry locusts in a holding pattern my own personal white noise […]

mov(i)e

if this is the movie of my life i hope a plucky young starlet shows up soon and teaches me the meaning of christmas or that the power was inside me the entire time not quite ready for the credits just yet

(un)titled thought XXXIII

this one is scribbled as i prepare coffee for the morning the coffee seems very necessary not sure about this though it will be nice to wake to the caffeinated brown these words maybe sometimes what doesn’t make sense at midnight comes clear at midday

(un)titled ode XXV

i would be the ring upon your finger the gems around your neck for you are the words within my skull the beating of my heart alas fair lass nature made you dazzling without my feeble touch and made me quite lesser without yours

abandon

my poem about men being monsters and women laying eggs got me a seven day ban on facebook i saw that and wondered why the day would begin this way then i got an email from my daughter an email i wondered ah they shut my phone off again depression loves little itching my negative […]

arduous

talking can be as arduous as watching a tortoise eat a head of lettuce the pace will drive me insane frivolity in exchange of sincerity i would much rather kiss your neck or nibble your collar bone

postmark IV

i sent a letter to my father today. wrote it on the back of a pack of marlboros and placed it in an empty can of beer. just a note of thanks. i have given time and space a lot of thought. i scribbled carefully, john ennenbach father streator illinois two thousand and three. i […]

cr(i)minal

the question he begged the court to answer was simple all of his crimes were self inflicted he was the victim by his own hand so clearly death was only fair the jury of his fears watched solemnly from the mirror no hint on their similar faces

(un)titled sorrow VIII

it weighs heavily today a stone wheel slowly grinding me from man to meat from flesh to failing sitting in my skull tap tapping away the many flaws from cracks to crevices bending hope to hopeless obliterates as it alliterates casting dream to dreary i soak in the piss warm waters of wavering wistful wants […]

jumble

tired of being cold alone trapped in this cycle of desire and painfully throbbing desire incapable of finding the secret combination of letters to unlock the puzzle conundrum riddle here is what i have found so far eppvhoialssne the hint says two words without meaning to the poet illiterate

postmark III

i sent a letter to hunter, postmarked today. i folded it up and put it in a pack of dunhills. just a note of thanks. i have given up on bending time and space. but i hope he gets it. i carefully typed on the label hunter s thompson father of gonzo snowy owl creek […]

tr(u)ths

when i am dead and long forgotten certain truths will remain i loved (though she never knew it) i lived (though it wasn’t with her) i cried (for the longing i feel for her) and this singular moment right here we shared you and i maybe not at the exact same time but it was […]

(un)titled ode XXI

the tissue of my heart has crystalized a rigid structure formed of former flesh her lips are the chisel her eyes the hammer i am dust in her presence my soul is sand between her delicate fingers spilling to the ground under her feet

postmark II

i sent a letter to bukowski, postmarked today. i placed it in an empty wine bottle and set it next to a racing forum on the corner. just a note of thanks. i still haven’t worked out time travel and such. but i hope he gets it. i scribbled on the label charles bukowski struggling […]

format

it is haiku time not sure why, just had an urge now it is over. here is a bonus to explain the last haiku out of syllables. maybe a tanka will give me the chance to say why i chose haiku i like the rigid format i really just wanted to never mind. i love […]

(un)titled image II

i saw a photo of two women happily gazing into an oven from the fifties. there was no context or words. whatever it was in there must have been glorious judging by their expressions. it could have been anything. or just an advertisement for ovens. i will never know. but in my head it was […]

(un)titled ode XX

her lips are as red as blood on porcelain her eyes stab me like daggers i cannot stop imagining how good she would taste on my tongue and lips her expression says fuck you mine says i am yours in return

sorr(y)

the anxiety is insufferable lately when i was writing the book i could lose myself and feel a sense of progress purpose now as i begin a new one my confidence is shattered again second guessing my second guesses spinning tires churning out poems for fear of anything else everything else i am sorry everyone […]

differing states

one day i made the decision to move to texas realizing one state of depression looks the same as any other from the bottom of the barrel one day i will leave texas and be depressed somewhere new

w(i)n

she never plays games with me but there are rules which are strictly enforced and i follow them to the letter in hopes her heart is the prize

(un)titled ache

does it ever stop hurting does the ache ever stop or does it stay jammed in the back of the throat forever and ever like the words i never said forever lodged behind the tears that never stop falling

(un)titled ode XIX

i repeat myself for the millionth time in an ode of love to her why does each repetition feel like a fresh declaration a new dedication when the words are still the same.

(un)titled sorrow VII

right at the edge of a break down feet dangling over this cliff barely keeping myself together there has to be an end to this falling in love is a form of suicide impossible without u and i as the sorrow strangles and engulfs me peering into the shadowed abyss

(un)titled sorrow VI

it is cold in here the emptiness seems to compound it wherever you are i hope it is peaceful warm happy that the sun shines down upon you the ravens of sorrow do not mar your view there is a murder of them circling overhead here untouched by the cold

eq(u)at(i)on

mathematically speaking i am less than the sum of my desires a fractured fraction failing common core aestetics divisive multiplied by the power of you i² x u²= i sobbing alone

(un)titled ode XVIII

she carved the outline of a door into my breastbone with her sharpened fingernail. i stared at it and her in a mixture of pain and confusion. she smiled and knocked upon the bloody door. it opened. my heart soared from my chest like an owl from a snowy perch. now it is free to […]

duty

little spider on the toilet seat illicits quite the scream as she sees it in the middle of the night now she makes me check before she will go pee i am father i know no peace i protect

(un)titled sorrow III

feel trapped on this carousel. riding the narwhal with a rainbow horn. always right behind her. never gaining. the warped mirrors make it feel like falling behind while staying in the same place. just going up and down in circular logic. too much cotton candy and popcorn. not enough substance.

postmark

i sent a letter to poe, postmarked today in a small urn. i buried it in a shallow grave. just a note of thanks. i am mostly uncertain about the subtle nuances of bending time and space. hope he gets it. on the front i scribbled, e.a. poe throes of depression eighteen thirty six baltimore. […]

c(u)re

they wore long white coats carried clipboards syringes filled with murky green solutions to issues i didn’t know i had but no matter the treatments when i close my eyes i only see you. they cannot cure that i wouldn’t let them if they could.

pb&j

the heavy shovel head cut me in twain my upper half sought solace my lower half sought hell all the while she sat eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich uninterested in the world.

(in)vite

we met a vampire he was quite shy unpretentious we took him for ice cream he didn’t try any but he stared with big round eyes as it dripped down our hands onto the table we went home and he followed but i guess we forgot to invite him in sometimes i still see him […]

scraping

scraping up change from the couch to get laundry done robbing peter then paul and any other good natured soul to get some groceries gave up my vices for destituion considering prostitution if things don’t turn around begged the financial institute for a stay of repossession things are bad and getting worse daily the life […]

rea(within)son

the loneliness can kill you until you remember you are free. if i wanted to i could marry joan of arc. or marilyn monroe. i could do anything i want. i could discover a new continent. a new species of tortoise. be the first man on the moon. anything. within reason.

st(or)ms, or (i miss you), or (she), or (my fault)

she was safety a shelter from the storms that rage inside of me she was church or more likely an asylum with her the demons feared her light the voices stopped the sun still shined hope sprang eternal but she grew tired of the waves of the sea the constant battering the hurricane that is […]

(un)titled sorrow II

hope is a feather in a pile of used hypodermic needles love is an unanswered prayer littering the trash bin of purgatory the sky was the blue of sadness painted above him with uncertain hands, the sun a marble of remorse reflected off the dirty windows of the closed strip club across the street, the […]

br(i)ttle

i have lost plasticity my ceramic heart my thin glass soul unable to sustain deformation without shattering so i sit at the edge of this precipice in gale force winds i am just brittle teetering numb

plunge

the cyclical cycle of madness has taken the plunge from manic mayhem to insatiable sorrow fixated on the ugliness time to take a siesta unplug cannot tell if this is the post creative refractory period or if this is the entering of my blue period keep your hands and legs inside the car prepare for […]

f(r)iends

it sometimes feels like this self imposed hell is training for the afterlife except in hell i will be surrounded by all those i have loved i’ve broken down so many times the functional times are off putting i would give you all that i am but we both know you deserve so much better […]

consc(i)ous

scientists have discovered people are aware of the moment they die they are aware of conversations after the time of death has been called hearing nurses talk people sob immobile fading but listening the bright light of final oxygenated blood fading from the cerebral cortex traveling into the infinite vortex gasping grasping fleeting still heart […]

(un)sure

i wrote this the bus was on fire, the occupants were not children, they were demons with the faces of children, the driver just laughed as everything went up in flames sometime today i don’t know what i was thinking this wasn’t an ode to you if it was i sure can’t find the connection […]

ex(i)st

today i looked in my wallet and saw my driver’s license saw the same goofy looking face staring back at me on an official piece of identification irregardless of public opinion i exist