Everything I have known and believed for most of my life has turned out to be a lie. That is a hard realization to face. But for once As I lay in bed basking in the post coital glow of mind blowing sex. The connection between Apricus and I was undeniable. Now that I had […]

We spent a while in the kitchen. My mind was jelly from seeing all of creation. My soul was broken at the ramifications of it all. There was no one true God as we had been taught our entire lives. It was a collective sprung forth from the original celestial being that incorporated itself into […]

Over the last couple days there has been a shift in how Apricus behaves toward me. It is alarming. She has been polite and very nearly charming. I don’t trust it. When I opened my eyes this morning, well what I choose to call morning in this perpetual night at least, She was sitting on […]

Ever go from suicidal in an apartment to miserable in a castle tower? Like a princess in a fairy tale where the evil step mother is in love with you and your dream girl is more unattainable now then ever? Where your darkest depression seems light and jovial in the face of an alien landscape? […]

My phone ringing broke me from the opioid induced sleep. I opened my eyes and had to shake the fuzz from my brain. Did the evening even happen? I dreamt of Her. The look in Her eyes as She looked at me. I have never seen anyone look at me with that intensity and pure… […]

I got a prescription for Vicodin for my birthday. And it is one of the most glorious presents ever received. They ran a few tests on me until I mentioned the lack of insurance and willingness to pay. Suddenly they realized I was probably okay. Low blood sugar and the stress of the accident satisfied […]

I hate birthdays. Especially my own. It happens too late in the year and always got overshadowed by the real holidays. And I have always been okay with that. When I was a kid my parents never had much money. That combined with the proximity to Christmas meant one or two presents. Not that presents […]

The sky was a dark shade of purple, like a bruise covering the world. Heavy clouds blanketed it and kept the twinkling of the stars hidden. The moon was clear of the cloud cover and shone with a pugnent orange, like a giant sky pumpkin. The clouds themselves were fat with snow that threatened at […]

I cannot tell if I am awake or not. If this is reality or a waking nightmare. I tried. If anyone ever asks, I did try. It is the sixth day since my first failed attempt. Since I understood normal. In this time I have failed to die twenty seven times. Been killed once. Had […]

I woke to the knowledge that everything I wanted from this world was gone. That this pain, this horrible stabbing fucking agony was my new reality. My every dream, my every release was dead. Like the most wonderful woman I had ever known. I woke up with the tears already falling. Choking on my misery […]

Remember. Was she watching even now? I closed the blinds and shut off the lights. Shut my phone down as well. I sat huddled on the floor next to the cocoa spill, razor opened and ready to attack. “Do you have the apartment bugged? Do you?” I screamed. “”Fuck you! I’m not yours! Leave me […]

I haven’t slept since the text. I used a staple gun and hung a blanket over the mirror. I have beem drinking coffee by the pot for the last twelve hours. And pissing in a botttle. I am aware how this sounds. But I have reached a level of sheer terror that has caused my […]

I slept twelve hours in a Nyquil induced coma of hell. Consumed by Her only to wake up under the ice on repeat. I woke up in my bed that was soaked with what appeared to be gallons of icy water and a bluish tint to my skin. Shivering I took a like warm shower […]

My eyes opened and I sat up in a rush, gasping and hands going to my throat. The flesh felt normal, like it always did. The gash was not there. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and using the camera checked myself out. Nothing. Fresh shave and no open wound, no trace of […]

I learned something important about myself today. No, not why I didn’t die. And no, not how I woke up with an icy tattoo on my clavicle. I learned that I am shit at patching drywall. Another trip to the hardware store and hours of clean up and half assed plastering proved it. It was […]

I sat alone, watching the clouds roll by and trying desperately to find one reason not to kill myself. As if to mock me, or my subconscious trying to encourage me, the clouds took shape before my eyes. I saw a bottle, short and squat, that looked like the poison in old black and white […]

At his funeral he insisted that his corpse was to be interred at twelve feet deep, a second corpse, one of a beggar was then to be placed at the normal six foot depth. They thought him insane. But being a last request in sound mind, at the time at least, it was done. That […]

as i stared in the mirror while shaving my head my mind wandered to you, as it has become prone to do in moments of quiet reflection, in the mirror reflection of another world where things might have been successful the last thing you said was that it was the last time you would ever […]

i cry everytime I watch my daughter perform, everytime the darkness comes at me from all sides, everytime i think of you, everytime these walls start pushing on me and breathing becomes a chore, when the loneliness is the only flavor in my mouth, when i wake in the middle of the night from a […]

started to see my failings, my dreaming heart, my romantic streak, my insecurities as a business opportunity, a chance to turn all this hypnotic jiggle and subversive intellect into cold hard cash, a little side money as the side piece boyfriend rental, want to feel like the top of the world and the only girl […]

if i sent the messages i type out to the people i type them out to i think they would call the police or an ambulance, or maybe poison control the only real relationship i have is with my depression i would hit send but there is no point i spend time crafting them, changing […]

how long have i been holding my breath i remember holding it, sucking in a huge lungful until I felt my lungs would burst, my chest expanding, a burning feeling it feels like forever ago was it a month ago spots dance before my eyes and i try to remember how to exhale this gust […]

growing up with alcoholics is living in a dual singularity some days are the best and every one laughs and the party feels like it shouldn’t even end, everyone loves everyone and life is as good as possible, my job as waiter and professional beer fetcher is one, as a child, i took pride in […]

just got off the phone with Lana, my friend that moved to New York she yelled at me for thirty straight minutes. i did not enjoy it. but she was right. i let me bad thoughts control me the last couple of days, the dark spiral. everything became black and white and it was all […]

repeat, retweet, react, rehash rinse and repeat the cycle all over again my mind has become a contortionist, an origami wizard, able to take the same three thoughts and repackage them as wholly new look, a swan now it is a dove now it is the crushing realization that it is december that fucking swan […]