i only let myself fall in love in two very precise conditions. she must be fictional or unattainable. that way the end is obvious at the start. but i am a fool. the fictional is just a dream scenario. i am not insane. the unattainable though. i still let myself dream. because i am a […]
cobbled together from pieces of all her former lovers she worked like frankenstein in her laboratory trying desperately to make him into the one she truly wanted bolts on his neck jagged scars on every joint every word a moan of anguish as he lost what made him him he was the creature but she […]
i am sorry you have had to suffer through this congenital disease called life i only know one cure it is coming for all of us one day a wise person told me chin up so i carved a bullseye into my forehead and did as i was bade
her smile is the habenero twinge in the back of my throat her laugh the nails across my spine the twinkle in her eyes like tap dancing on my grave but i’ll be damned if she isn’t the cooling balm on my burning soul i hate myself for loving her with every fiber of my […]
flay me skin me dip me into an ocean of your salty tears burn me as your effigy carve your initials into my heart take my ribs and carve them form a frame from them in which to rest your pretty head i don’t give a fuck about me without you and that isn’t going […]
she was an orchid in bloom i was just a fool that tried to love her is it any wonder it wasn’t meant to be
the depression is like a wool blanket gently tucking me in for six more weeks of sadness six more weeks times six more weeks times a lifetime of fighting against the silken cuffs tired of fighting tired of not just tired you were a lighthouse in the mist and fog yet you chose to extinguish […]
the songs of the words has changed again this time i care not for the hymnal skating the thawing rink of desolation surrender seems inevitable angst is a candle burning the rope holding damocles sword this causeway of pits and pendulums growing ever closer ever whispering ever screaming silently into the emptiness of night fear […]
is it any wonder i have abandonment issues when being left is all i have ever known it isn’t me pushing away it is me watching as you run nary a word of explanation just the soft slapping of bare feet on the road leading anywhere but here
step aside this is not the time for false bravado for proving yourself i am just so sick and fucking tired of the same old same old i need a change of pace a change of place a change of face a disruption to the status quo so step aside step step step aside just […]
(un)stable pt I the air was stagnant poisoned impossible thick he sat the room was dark nothing seemed to matter not anymore it isn’t as if he breathed as if blood pumped through his veins thoughts pumped through his vanity poison felt right just cloying enough to clog his circuitry (un)kempt pt II on the […]
i would love you as more than a friend but then i would eventually lose the friend as my love is caustic so instead i love you as a friend knowing eventually you will just disappear saves the mess of being a mess in the midst of all the other messes i have messed up […]
got an email today about bracelets i don’t wear much jewelery but these caught my eye they make a disc on each disc they show the planets position on a certain day in a certain year a unique time stamp an array of dates flashed through my mind that are burned into my medial temporal […]
let’s go out into the country and lay on the hood of the car we can count the stars until we find one that shines as brightly as you my love we can drive down to the beach and watch the waves as the sun glimmers off of them like diamonds i will make up […]
she signed every kiss with the tip of her tongue. the places along my frame that signature had travelled the parts of me marked as hers. i wrote novels of devotion with my tongue along every inch of her body new gospels of worship etched across her perfection. love is not forever but the memory […]
her eyes are perfect mirrors in which i never hope to see myself mar the perfection of but for a moment it would be glorious
gimme just a minute of your precious time gimme gimme gimme gimme just a piece of the action everyone knows the end of the story is just a series of sorrys all i want is a chance at a fresh beginning with you so please baby gimme just a minute of your precious time gimme […]
i used to dream of finding my mallory knox a partner in madness now i want to find my alice morgan a partner in the cold i need the insanity but in a controlled isolated way i am willing to bet i will never find either but can’t stop the dreaming or the lonely just […]
the hills (pt I) the hills are not gently rolling as much as haphazardly clinging for all they are worth which would be more if they had deposits of precious minerals hidden within she was one such hill the latter rather than the former haphazardly clinging unbeknownst to any she was far more preciously laden […]
serial thriller chiller killer filler tiller miller driller feeling lost today thinking darkly dripping thoughts rewriting an old tale on repeat it only ends one way
she took root on my tongue sending tendrils up through my sinus cavities into my ears my eyes before nestling in my brain it is a wonder every sound taste scent and sight makes me think of her in quiet moments of lucidity i wonder how far the infection has traveled
there was another me once upon a time far from where i am what i have become the thing i am would you believe i once loved freely gave of myself smiled openly shared deeply it wasn’t one single catastrophic event it was a series of micro fractures cascading through my mind i fell apart […]
every time she crosses my mind a blossom of light explodes lately it has been the fourth of july in my skull night flowers blooming fading to yellow embers that burn deep into the gray matter parting tissue like a scalpel leaving scars in the pattern of her fingerprint across my mind
this is the song that helped me to visualize the short story, Rain. if you have followed this rambling blog for long, my love of punk rock is pretty apparent. between it and jazz masters Ryo Fukui and Bill Evans, most of my prosaic prose gets written. punk rock isn’t pretty usually. it can be. […]
It is raining. It always starts with the raining. Always. I run to the car as the first cold wet drops splat on my bald head. I press the button, hear the door unlock, jump in and press the ignition. The car starts as the drops fall faster. They are loud and only grow louder […]
i wanted to write you a poem one where i told the world how much you mean to me where i expounded upon your virtues where i shouted out my love where i gave in to all the softer things but that isn’t the type of thing you would want need or care for just […]
she mistakes me for another curses yells as if i need to obey her tells me what to do how to feel who to be when she isn’t aware of who i am i don’t understand it we seemed to be friends or at least friendly until she decided i was someone else she mistakes […]
i told myself sternly no more writing about love i made myself swear no more the she the her the dream the need it is all so empty so pointless let it go fade away into the pit in your stomach the tumor in your brain it is cancerous slowly killing you draining your will […]
her eyes were the same color as a channel with no signal no her eyes were not the vivid cerulean of a modern television they were the swarm of flies with the static hiss pouring out of them in a way that defies logic defines tragic implies longing portrays passion gone astray it wasn’t love […]
she smiled up at me it was obvious she had been beautiful before life had it’s way with her. the small little scabs ran down her arms ghosts hid inside of her eyes as well as a hunger that seemed to drive her. she asked me for some change overly eager slightly desperate i frowned […]
the night is quiet lying in bed staring up thinking of the end not of the end of the world just the end of misery
she flies about in her mortar wielding a pestle as a wand to her hut deep in the forest telling fortunes punishing the wicked call her death justice torment pain in her hut with the backward legs of a giant chicken baba yaga is her name
i dreamt you were my happier ever after silly isn’t it me ending up with you unpossible really but it was one of those nice dreams the kind you wake up from with a grin and an ache in your chest when you realize nah it was just a stupid dream
the rarified air of wanton stupidity is the nectar of the gods to some the best thing that ever happened to me was telling her it was over in the now eight years after it becomes more and more clear i should have done it sooner
my disinterest is like a hammer and pinion upon the rocky crags of your tainted disapproval i shall continue to climb escape your feigned emotions cast like a net but as vapid vacant as your eyes we both know i was just a passing fancy a pitstop a temporary fix until the next marker on […]
been trying to shed my skin to molt to release the detritus of daily confinement standing in the freezing rain in hopes it soothes the savage ache inside the monotone cavern where the coal that used to be a muscle resides pickaxes and blowtorches mining for the remnants of dream cutting edge technological retractions used […]
the crushing weight of depression has been dangling from my neck like an anchor lately it’s been a week at least since i have felt like being an active participant in my own play but the tendrils of mania seem to be beckoning again i can make out the faint song of the words whispering […]
one day into the new year all i feel are the same scars the same wounds the same longings the exact same fucking emptiness of the years prior the only thing new is the calendar so pardon me if my festive new outlook is clouded by the same dreary depression as before i cannot be […]
his blade slashed through the air parting the silk cutting a moonbeam her smile slashed through his heart parting his armor soothing his soul they dance hand in hand amongst the bamboo under the stars together moving in sync mind body and soul sliding between raindrops danger given form
the world paused as his wax wings slowly began to melt from the heat of the day had he flown just higher instead of heeding the false warnings he would have felt the colder air instead he sat upon a thermal and felt as the honey comb oozed down upon his shoulders and as the […]
i don’t know what tomorrow holds, but i know it isn’t hope, this feeling that stirs in my guts, like a swarm of angry hornets, stinging nettles and broken spirit i have a sickness, a cancer, a life defying tumor, tar black where there once was light my friends are gone, my dreams are gone, […]
it is the new year and for my resolution i am giving up on ever holding you this year is the year i let go of wishes
so many changes over this last spin around the sun. started the year with thirteen followers and an urge to write. ending with over three hundred and the urge to write gone dead. found my voice and then grew sick of it. changed it up but the reverberations in my chest and skull still sicken […]
it’s broken the words are falling upon now deaf ears all i have are the words and they have abandoned me poetry has died inside my unresponsive soul i have stopped dreaming of her of joy of happiness of anything left with the emptiness new year same depression no hope just this familiar despair the […]
sometimes i dream of other states geographical mental emotional i dream of her of wildflowers in her hair my reflection in her beautiful eyes i dream of years gone past not yet born i dream of dionysus exiguus the man who determined when anno domini began i dream of celebrating in a different state with […]
my heart was a ukulele handcrafted for her delicate fingers yet in a fit of rage the strings all were snapped now it is but a piece of wood left discarded with the rest of the trash memories of it’s song like spiderwebs in the corner of the room
one year gone kept myself locked away hidden from the things i craved a junkie in remission rehab relapse reserved removed reborn reheated recycled realized gone astray in the blinding light of the morning after was it fear punishment self flagellation kneeling at the pulpit of false desires so long that reality and fiction became […]
she thought of herself as just a normal woman i couldn’t think of her as anything less than a goddess maybe she mistook my love and worship as a case of mistaken identity either way i was hooked and she was unaware
the metal slid between my ribs as if my skin was the placid surface of a pond by the time i felt the pain it was already too late all that was left was the bleeding
losing her was like baking cookies in sylvia plath’s oven seering in the flavors of sorrow and loss holding her was like going swimming with virgina woolf the currents of her body drawing me under staring at her was like skeet shooting with hemmingway’s shotgun the aim was immaculate deadly and serene loving her was […]
wrecked and reckless a rescinded reminiscence a view of ridicule through the reticule of rose tinted remorse
if egress means to escape and regress means to become less developed then my only means of egress lately is to regress stately and fall into the patterns of the past/evolving means revolving upon some bitter happenstance and seeking a solution to this mental revolution based on luck and chance/skywriting my feelings into the black […]
she cut me for every doubt she had about my sincerity she doubted me enough that after a week i looked like a walking jigsaw puzzle after a month my reflection seemed blurry in the mirror after a year i fell down the stairs like a spring toy after she left i couldn’t tell if […]
i love you like a warning on the side of a computer from december of nineteen ninety nine about the evils of y2k it is hesitant filled with foreboding i love you with the power of planes falling from the sky of toasters shedding the basic functionality and rising against the human overlords i love […]
every women deserves to have at least one poem written about them from a fool deeply locked in the thralls of pure affection an ode a sonnet a haiku an offering from rapidly rising heartbeats to empty adoration this one is for you your beauty sublime your laughter tinkles like bells your ass looks so […]
i keep the blinds closed as i struggle to remain clothed it is too damned hot to be dressed too damned cold for nudity so i choose to follow the path life has chosen for me a donkey carrot/stick/combination for the ages anonymity impersonality alternating between too many blankets(statements or otherwise)too much flesh(floppy bits and […]
this final week is like the taint of the dead year not quite existing the last dying breath rattles feel the skin begin shedding
i am no longer lying in the fires of youth i am cooling in the hearth of dying dreamscapes another ember gone ashen with the rest of yesterday’s castoffs
i am a crossword puzzle but all the clues are left blank a word search of hieroglyphics a sudoku made from hypothetical digits an ode written in an imaginary language by dyslexic blind aliens but also i am yours so through all of the incomprehensible parts whether it is understood or not know it is […]
i have dated two blondes in my long and self destructive career as a failed lover it seems odd maybe because the two of them caused more destruction than the countless mousy brunettes i tell myself are my type the first i have written about so many times i smell her perfume when i read […]
Not everyone celebrates this holiday around the world. I get that. But, The Ramones are a universal treat. So whether or not you celebrate (i do not), enjoy one of the finest New York bands to ever perform. A gift for sticking with me through this very difficult year.
the last xmas we shared was the last xmas i celebrated i would say it was because you left the day lost all meaning but we both know i never cared for the holidaze pomp and circumstance all of them i would buy you roses because i wanted to not because hallmark said i should […]
i don’t know what is happening anymore. when i write i slip into my persona non grata my alter ego the fool. in the real world i am a stain black mold the fungus among us. a ball of withered depression. the fool though he wants more from life. he dreams of love from the […]
the crimson splashes on the freshly fallen snow arterial drip one last chimney then some rest vision blurry in his sleigh shrapnel buried deep lacerations scar his face the price has been paid i.e.d. took out rudolph the war on xmas is done
I don’t post much about the holidaze. It isn’t my thing. Mine is depression and self hatred and wondering if this pit of steaming horribleness will ever get better. But I love you guys. My constant companion, my dear readers. So I give you one of the greatest poets to ever grace this chunk of […]
no one really cares not really. they just like to be seen as caring. as the world keeps proving it was built on sand filled soil. desperate cries for help are met with motivational posters of cats and branches. no one really cares not really. or they wouldn’t stop to apply make up before running […]
I have had things to do for days and i keep making excuses not to do them to put them off until tomorrow i get dressed then find a find a reason no matter how vague or pathetic and i don’t then i sit with a two ton weight wrapped around my midsection constricting my […]
hard to tell if the illness is viral bacterial or depression based in origin hard to care hacking wheezing glands swollen cold radiating in waves as sweat pours head pain hard to swallow she screams in the night of love unanswered unrequited odes never given voice just softly murmured not ignored just left unspoken to […]
her memory hangs over me like the shadow of a hot air balloon cast down like a cold spot in whatever room i choose to occupy every shiver reminding me of the love she never freely gave to me
in hindsight which rumor has it is twenty/twenty we fell apart because we loved each other too strongly at first grew addicted to that feeling chased it until we realized it was only accessible with someone new but we made a spectacular impact and left a beautiful crater we will always have that
i would rot in hell with you if that meant we could be together this is as close to romance as i can muster on this day of crushing hopelessness but i would forsake heaven for you if you asked me to
am i the same person i was born as i grow closer to the person i am at to be at death did every drunken moment every drug induced psychosis every lie whispered in hope it would come true every prayer uttered to the void do these scars on the soul change the fundamental shape […]
the depression is a weighted blanket the last few days or i am waking up at the bottom of an oceanic trench either way i am drowning in it it has lacked the manic up swing without the balance i am struggling mightily the dark thoughts are now dreams in these i yearn for reality […]
the bitter taste of regret and remorse i feel at this stage in my life imagine sucking on a penny while you have a split lip right before they make you gargle broken glass in the acid bath
the fool is the fool because he foolishly pursues the things he knows he will never have he is the poet illiterate because he doesn’t understand the things he thinks he needs the words are wrong the man behind the scenes has given up all pretenses
ignore the bruising and tears i get clumsy with my emotional dissonance this time of the year i haven’t learned the true meaning of festively shutting the fuck up
i used to dream of space of soaring through the cosmos now i dream of the space between dream and reality feels like the wonder has died jettison me into the cosmos i think i have dreamt enough for a lifetime of unfulfillment
her smile was like black ice on the road at night when it hit you were no longer in control
i made a blanket fort buried myself in it more a blanket tomb a womb a standing burial shroud my own personal cahokia we took a school trip there long ago underground they turned off the lights we screamed in childish delight they turned on the spotlights skeletons lay illuminated before us i was enthralled […]
i have nothing just the vapid dismay that flavours the words i would say if saying them meant anything at all so we sit letting the silence envelop us your move empty room
i am lost all of it crumbles melancholy meanderings losing whatever was left out of hope staring in the mirror tsol ma i
when i held you the words went silent, i tried to say the words through actions now that you’re gone i have a list of all the words i wish i would have said maybe you would have stayed we both knew my tongue was sharper than the shards of a glass i keep inside […]
i am goddamned mess for you my dear a collapsed house of cards strewn across the carpet let me crawl inside your brain curl up around your amygdala whisper sweet odes directly into your inner ear i took the liberty of cutting the brakes let’s go for a drive down that winding canyon highway but […]
a shot of novacaine in my sputtering heart to ease the palpable palpitations from your smile you folded me into a crane with your gentle words how i tried to soar with brittle wings bent into incongruent shapes held in shaking desire to maintain your sparkling gaze i am the crane on broken talons you […]
started my day with a cry more an existential sorrow than anything else isn’t that strange nothing set it off just woke up and felt like maybe just maybe i should release the tears barely restrained maybe it was an overloaded tear duct or the headache that has become my constant companion but i started […]
he blew in like trash on the breeze in search of a dumpster fire to rest his head there was more but the dream fades as i try and recall it something something morose i imagine i either need to write faster or dream harder this leaving things half formed is for theodicists or men […]
i have been sick for days but it feels like months and my mouth seems to run on it’s own with no thought to what my brain keeps yelling like an automated car or a chainsaw in a horror movie once it fires up i just clench and await the blood that will inevitably come […]
taking your time means time taken from the end anyway so i dive in head first and make up for it later on i have a way with words making them twist like molding clay from things of beauty into sculptures of decay so let’s play a game we will put our hearts up raise […]
i stumbled to the bar, in hopes of finding myself in the bottom of a glass or twelve, seeking absolution in stringent spirits for sins as yet uncommitted the snow up to my knees but a fire burning in my chest, the cigarette clutched in deadened fingers the only light in the darkening evening the […]
the skin on his chest buckled and ripped as he lay staring at the ceiling the black beak tore through his flesh slowly the beady eyed gaze stared into his own it shook itself slowly emerging from the now open wound with a caw it launched itself into the air flew around the room before […]
love is a bridge made out of weasels that squirm and seek purchase where ever they may it is a bowl of dead octopi coated in soy sauce and dancing still firing nerves no sense just manic twitching it is an iron fist in a velvet glove that has been coated with rusty strands of […]
cast from clay cast from paradise left to toil through this world alone she was my lilith my first love the one none could hold could never hope to conquer strong independent so very fierce labeled a demon by those who could not comprehend still in the back of my mind my heart i miss […]
wrapped myself in a cocoon of pain and misery, the ugliest caterpillar turning into the strangest moth writhing in the blanket chrysalis, begging for an end, a halt, a moments peace from the nails driven into soft flesh in this moment of singular despair even the words left me, my constant companions, they swept from […]
when i am sick i feel less human and more over critical anthropomorphic can opener it could be the lack of sleep talking or the throbbing in my head and face but i want to drizzle syrup over you like a freshly buttered pancake and leave you hoarse after licking it all off or cuddle […]
in the grips of the grips of pain depression and misery couldn’t sleep last night unable to nap today it’ll get better they tell me as it somehow only gets worse
she was so concerned he would leave her that when he finally left her it was a relief she willed him away with every ounce of her self doubt and insecurities but when you ask her she will tell you she always knew he had a roving eye even as she handed him the binoculars […]
i am pompeii while you my love are vesuvius i find myself sitting in your shadow oblivious to your sighs and anger it feels as if it is business as normal soon all will be drowned in your careless disregard all that remains will be ash
