i stumbled to the bar, in hopes of finding myself in the bottom of a glass or twelve, seeking absolution in stringent spirits for sins as yet uncommitted

the snow up to my knees but a fire burning in my chest, the cigarette clutched in deadened fingers the only light in the darkening evening

the room was as dark as the sky outside, punctuated by neon promises of friends and happier times, the floor wet from tracked snow and spilled regrets

i sat at the end where i could see the entire room, bottom shelf bourbon in a dirty glass, stale popcorn like an offering to dionysus in a plastic tray

i drink the first to you my lost love, the second to my life i am barely living, the third, the third oh fuck it the third was for me i deserve that much

the fourth to the lady that bought it, the fifth to my friends in the ground, the sixth and the seventh to forgetting the first five, making eight for you again

someone spills another beer and the shattering glass is like music to the animal inside and i throw my head back and howl, cheers erupt around me

how can i be so numb yet ache all over, how does this pain not find solace in drunken misery, i am a goddamned mess looking for a permanent solution

i feed dollars into the juke box and play the loudest songs and scream along between shots while the lads and ladies hoot and hollar to the one man disaster

they ask if i am crazy and all i can do is smile and nod, i am crazy, crazy for the one that got away, if i am crazy tell her i am insane for her, the one i cannot hold

the bartender yells last call so i order the rest of the freshly opened bottle, when he refuses i smash my empty glass against his cheek and wait for the rain

it is all a blur in my mind but i remember calling out for you as i swung the barstool into the back of one and buried my foot in the stomach of another

i stumble from the bar, blood and whiskey dripping down my broken face, cigarette clenched in my bloodied fingers, your face written in the stars above

tomorrow, tomorrow the answers will come, as i seek to recognize the face that faces back from the cracked glass, as i seek resolutions to troubles of today