this is not my suicide note this is not my last good bye to you, my friends, my family, my love lost, my love never found, my almost, my missed chance, my every evil thought this is not that this is not my cry for help, my plea for forgiveness, my screaming shaking voice broken […]

non-existent again still not sure any longer if i ever existed in the first place, not really, not any more not sure i want to it all seems like too much, the effort required to be functional, to be part of this spiderweb, plucking strands and hoping for a place i fit but i feel […]

I avoid eye contact whenever possible they say the eyes are the window to the soul, a look with in, and I don’t want you to see what is within me, to judge by my lack of character, to see past this character that I portray, to see what I lack so I avoid eye […]

I showered and shaved my head today that doesn’t sound like much to you but it was monumental for me, just getting up and moving was feat of legend I sit here and wallow in the agony because what if I were to go outside what if I had to interact with someone what if  […]

two weeks until the kids return solitary confinement until then, these walls and my own frantic screams the only companions, the words constant and undiluted, unlimited in speed and force, a physics equation of the breaking point of a man limit reached, exceeded, the duality of depression and longing intricate and become one I need […]

went out for a coffee with a trans lady, curiosity abounded, the struggle, the looks, the questions from with in and out, stepping out of our comfort zones she was beautiful, polite and aware to how precious life is, born one thing but destined to be another we chatted about normal things, books and art, […]

the walls are closing in on me this morning made the sacred pilgrimage to the Mart of Wal, the quest to find bread and milk a success over dressed in shorts and shirt, pajamas the flavor of the day the remnants of a great battle marked the entire marketplace, I saw the decapitated head of […]

Thirteen years ago you came, a little bundle of tears and all of my fears personified into one perfect package I was rudderless, adrift with no purpose, no clue where or what I wanted out of life and then I held you no, before that the first time your heartbeat filled the room, it was […]

first holiday season alone in 17 years, if it is anything like my birthday this is going to be fucking epic levels of sad since I moved to Texas I have been in a relationship, so even though I have no family here I always had their family now, hmmpf, nothing kids are with their […]

I need a hug. Been too much drama all day and god damn it I want a fucking hug.  is that too much to ask for? seriously, is it? because fuck me it feels like it.  Been a non-entity for two weeks. a ghost.  am I dead? did I fucking cease to exist and no […]

she leaves a trail of broken and discarded things in her wake, broken hearts and shattered homes always the victim, the wronged one, finding excuses to cover up the never ending lies a monster wrapped in the sweetest disguise, a demon with steel gray eyes and blackened heart a natural disaster with intent to kill, […]

I wonder if this year was the worst year of my life because it was just an absolute shit show of emotional death and destruction compounded by loss and false hope and multiplied by tension and depression. or because as we get older it just becomes apparent how shitty life really is. think back. last […]

they say misery loves company but that is false. so many people I know are at rock bottom right now. people I care about immensely.  I know. I see them.  misery does not love company. I want them gone from my realm. this land of bleak and desolate loneliness is not for you. I am […]

butterflies and sequined stars, bitter lies and puckered scars, your soul is more than comments and likes, of broken chains and discarded bikes of endless whispers said in vain, loss and love and crimson stain, to say the truth and disguise the hate, to tremor and shake to avoid your fate I want to be […]

I am obsessed with finding the right combinations of letters and syllables to magically turn this endless fountain off I feel like if I can just lay it all out there these mutterings will cease and I can focus on anything else write around the issues and they will phase away, leaving another corpse in […]

they say when you see 11:11 you are exactly where you are supposed to be it is a sign you are going the right way everyday I catch it at least once and where I am is not where I need to be listen to me, I am not supposed to be here, this is […]

Hello there, umm, God? Goddess? Gods? Elemental Spirits? Mother Gaia? Loki? please be Loki, please. you will get me. born of Frost Giants and given to the hated enemy. raised as one of the Aesir and rightful heir to Asgard. destined to rise and lead victory at Ragnarock. fuck. or Jesus. Lamb of God. blah […]

it isn’t that I have anything to say, it is I have no one to say anything to. it makes a difference. the words that don’t get said, the thoughts no one cares to hear get all backed up and I cannot stand it any more and have to write them down flooding the airwaves […]

when ever you get to the point where you can not take another fucking second of this this this unyielding and terrifying nothingness, oblique and carved from obsidian, sharp enough to cut an electron yet in the hands of an angry three year old take shelter in me an angel fell, hurtling like a meteor, […]