Heist, of Ottawa and Trains, a tale in dialogue

Then, a month ago
What if I told you I have the perfect heist? A chance to hit two banks at once and get out of town with no interference by the cops?”
“I would say let’s do this.”
“Here is what we need…”
You two, hit the bank on the left, we have the bank on the right. Ten minutes and back to the van, move, move!”
Masks pulled down, the four slip out of the van, guns in hand and move towards the banks. The sound of screaming, doubled almost like an echo, and shots fired at nearly the same moment. In a matter of minutes the first two come running out, two duffel bags a piece in hands to the van parked in the alley.
“Holy fuck man, that was easier than you said!”
“Calm, Billy, all according to the plan.”
“I never imagined it would go this smooth. They had no fucking clue. No fucking clue!”
They jumped at the sound of the van door sliding, guns aimed and ready.
“Just us assholes! We got it! Let’s get the fuck outta Dodge!”
then, a month ago
There is one set of tracks that cuts the town in half. Every Thursday, a big line comes through and effectively cuts the little podunk in two.”
“How long does it last?”
“Half an hour usually, but I have an idea to extend that.”
“So we just need to wait for the train and hit the banks? Seems awfully easy.”
“Partially Jeff, the key is to get us on one side and the cops on the other.”
“Leave that to me. We need to stop and get a couple burners on our way, maybe in Kansas or Missouri.”
“And masks, probably best to grab them separately. And I had another idea for disguises.”
“Fantastic. Here is the full plan…”
We fucking did it!”
“Not so fast man, we did half of it. The important part is getting away with it. We need to get to the rental car and then make our way home.”
“Fucking buzzkill. We are sitting on a couple hundred thousand dollars. Give us a second to be happy.”
“Be happy when we are sitting at home three states away. Until then we keep our fucking heads down and drive to the barn. If you have all of this fucking energy start wiping down the van.”
“The only way we get through this is by covering our ass.”
“I thought we were setting this on fire? Why clean it up? What a fucking waste.”
“Fingerprints are made of oil, if we clean the entire van and then light it on fire we have no worries.”
“You worry too much man.”
“And that is why I am going to get away with this. If you leave nothing to chance, there is zero chance of failure. I have been thinking of this plan for fucking years now. Literally years. It is a once in a lifetime chance and we are this close to pulling it off.”
“Whatever. Fuck. Fine, hand me the wipes then.”
“Thank you. Eighteen hours and we are home and happy.”
then a month ago
So this is what we do. The train comes at 11:15. This is a town of twenty thousand. What is the most important thing in a town this size?”
“Meth lab?”
“Alright. Second most important thing?”
“Ding ding. Exactly. So at nine we use a burner and call in a bomb threat. This town is not capable of handling this kind of threat. We vaguely insinuate there are multiple bombs in the building.”
“All the cops will rush there immediately.”
“Correct. At 10:45 we call again and give a subtle hint at where the bombs are located and let them know they have an hour to find them. If they concede to our demands we will give them the codes necessary to disarm them.”
“What kind of demands? Like blow and money? A helicopter?”
“Focusing on the wrong thing, but yes. Anything that is on the same side of town. A real cornucopia of bullshit to keep them in the area until 11:30.”
“Thought the train was coming at 11:15?”
“It comes at 11:15, but it takes time to completely cut the town in two. As we are tying the police up on the North side of town, you two will head west of town and about half a mile out park the dump truck on the tracks. By 11:30 the train will be stopped.”
“Then we hit the banks.”
“And then we hit the banks.”
“Fucking genius.”

Everything wiped down? No trace we were ever here? Van, barn door, all trash picked up and bagged in the van?”

Done and done. Can we set this bitch on fire and bail?”

Get in the car and I will light the fuse.”

We actually fucking did it. The heist of the year.”

The heist of the day. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.”

Sixteen hours and we are back in Texas, no sign we were ever anywhere but a guys night out in St. Louis. Rental car from Dallas, quick stop to check out of the hotel we used to party in Missouri, and then home free gentlemen.”

Let’s bounce boys, Spanky, light that mother fucker up!”

The fuse is long enough to give us fifteen minutes to clear the area before anyone sees the smoke. Four hours to the hotel, twelve to home.”
then around 10:30

let’s take a spin and see our handy work.”

Holy shit, every single squad car raced up the hill! And look at the parking lot, it seems everyone in town wanted to see the spectacle.”

Small town America my friends. Nothing gets people together like some old fashioned drama.”

Billy, you and Jeff grab the dump truck from the lot. Jeff knows how to hot wire it, You need to go far enough back on the tracks to where it cannot be seen until Boyce is completely blocked by the train. Dan and I will meet you at the overlook for Silica Sand. We can get our disguises on and make our final call to the cops.”

Got it.”

Sounds good Spank.”

Twenty hours my friends. Then this will all be the stuff we jerk off to.”

I cannot wait.”


I mean the job, not the…”

We know what you meant. Sick bastard.”

Fuck you guys.”


I have an idea on our disguises. What if we wear clothes that are way too big and stuff them with pillows, maybe shoes two sizes to big as well.”

Throw off the cops by having differrent body types? I like it.”

That plus masks and gloves would send them on the wrong trail. Also, Dan and Billy do not talk.”

What the fuck man.”

You sound like fucking hillbillies. What is the point in being incognito if you are going to give them giant fucking clues with your drawl?”


Can you tell me in the heat of the moment you won’t bust out with y’all or fixin to? Or some equally unintelligent sounding colloquialism?”


No you cannot. Let the Yankees do the talking please and thank you.”

And Dan? Try and avoid scratching your nuts every three seconds. It is not only distracting, disgusting and inappropriate. It is an obvious tell.”

Shit needs adjusted.”

Then do it afterward.”


No, leave your dick alone. Capiche?”

Whatever man. Can we go?”
then 10:45

Check out the view. The largest silica sand pit in North America. My uncle worked there my entire life. Glass was the backbone of this shit hole of a town.”

Before heroin and meth?”

Who can say?”

Looks kind of ugly. Like a big scar.”

That was almost poetic my friend. This scar put this town on the map. The whole area made a fortune off of glass made from that sand back in the day.”

Then it became all about the drugs.”

I blame Oprah.”

What the fuck did she have to do with anything?”

As Chicagoland grew, This place became less of an outlier. Slowly but surely it started to become a haven for the city folk. A small town, far enough away that it was country but close enough of a commute to be viable. Right off of the interstate, easy distance to 55. When I was in high school Oprah had the idea to send less fortunate people down here to get a fresh start.”

Did it work?”

For a while. But eventually the drugs came with it. Heroin from the city, meth from the country. A perfect storm of the two. Suddenly crime went up, as did the death toll. Turned it from an idyllic little place into another statistic.”

The American Dream.”

Exactly. And just as Hunter said, the American Dream is dead. Finish getting dressed. I want to take a last look.”

Jeff, it is time for the call. Send the cops on a wild goose chase.”

My pleasure.”

Nineteen hours and home with a bag of cash. Eye on the prize.”

A daring bank heist occurred in the sleepy little town of Ottawa Illinois yesterday morning. At least four assailants called in a bomb threat at the local Wal-Mart. In mad scramble to keep the public safe the police went to secure the scene. Using the cover of this and the train that makes a weekly trip through town, they were able to rob two banks in the downtown area and escaped with over five hundred thousand dollars.
Police say it took them less then fifteen minutes to simultaneously rob both banks and make their escape. Hours later the escape vehicle, a stolen van, was found set on fire in a barn thirty minutes south of town. All evidence was wiped from the scene. None was found in the truck they used to block the tracks out of town either.
Police say to be on the lookout for four heavyset white males, who by witness accounts seemed to be from the area judging by accent and familiarity to the town, not only layout but train schedule. They remind residents that they are to be considered armed and extremely dangerous. We will report more as the details emerge.”


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