Happy Ishtar

“So let me get this straight.” “Okay.” “Invisible sky guy knocks a woman up with himself so he can die to erase the sins he created in the first place?” “Well, you are over simplifying…” “And we celebrate with chocolates and dyed eggs?” “I mean… well see, …” “And coincendentally the major holidays fall on […]

lost in dream, words

right as sleep took over my mind i had a brilliant idea but through the fog i convinced myself i would remember instead of writing it down now it is the memory of an idea with no substance taken over by a dream i rode a bicycle across europe hooked a sharp right and rode […]

outsider, words

never feel like i fit in quite right the elliptical block in the round hole sitting outside maia’s school freshly shaved head bearded angry looking white male with silver hoops tatted bad man surrounded by soccer moms country coming out of their trucks and suvs the bass rattling my windows or singing along with punk […]

road trip, words

the sun shines directly into my eyes blinking and trying to make out traffic headed nowhere you are all invited join in on an epic road trip to the edge of boredom i brought snacks stale popcorn and warm flat pop a half eaten pop tart if you reach under the seat there may be […]

lillypad, words

i’ve grown accustomed to the idea of dying alone of trips to the hospital rehabbing from whatever surgery and saying no it’s just me hoping the kids come visit to break up the humdrum solitary existence not sleeping next to someone holding then tight when a nightmare strikes the nagging one of us me leaving […]

no clue, words

blind, tripping over everything including my tongue the blank picture in the yearbook as if sick on the day the photos were taken insert face here like a plane about to hit the mountainside while the pilot tells stories about his perfect record the perfect attendance record and a late case of mono numb fingers […]

rain and kitties, words

it’s raining been a long day of writing between menial tasks a cat yowls outside miserable in the dampness poor little thing i’m so tired not sleeping thoughts whirling i miss my kitty ish she changed before she died she wasn’t the same never wanted cuddles just sort of did her own thing away from […]

Lady S. and Lurch, a tale

“Friedrich!” She stood in front of an iron wrought throne with crimson cushions. She was as pale as moonlight but had a deadly grace to her. An air of menace radiated from her and had been known to cause her enemies to clench up in fear. Scars marked her face where her hair didn’t hide […]

who is this, words

i see my reflection in the mirror and hate it not content with horrid image bouncing back then i see myself in the window as I walk down the empty hospital corridor and don’t recognize it as the same a separation of id and ego perhaps the walking image is thin and has a nice […]

beast friend, words

when she left she took the dogs i’m not a dog person i got them for her because, at the time, i would have done anything for her and i grew to love them pains in the ass they were always needing to go out or needing attention like rowdy three year olds and when […]

possibly, words

one day this ragged dream will end history will determine whether any of it meant anything to anyone the beaten hero faces his final curtain call his blood spills out like the words from his pen and did he ever succeed reach the one he so desperately called out to the only answer to that […]

wasted day, words

i almost did something today almost early morning tomorrow busy week ahead so when i made my excuses to my friend’s it was nearly believable nearly instead i hid shaved my head fought a headache wrote trash basic routine with the big schedule next week i plan on taking some much needed quiet time from […]

sunday, words

she stood in doorway hands on her hips, nose in the air she was mad again i would say it mattered but she left me over a year ago her anger was a non factor she didn’t take that very well nor when i asked her to leave instead she started to unbutton her shirt […]

little things, words

it is the little things i find myself missing in these oppressively quiet moments arguments over stupid stuff nonsensical then making up i don’t get into many arguments now i tend to agree with myself that i should do nothing but work and barely existing it is odd missing moments of turmoil but they are […]

footsteps in the dust, words

these hands are battered and scarred too many fights hard work from sketching the road map of a broken spirit along the empty corridors nothing but my shuffled feet to keep me company whispers from the dark call out to me sing lullabies slap the worthless from my heavy brow i couldn’t save anyone couldn’t […]

daisies of the galaxy on repeat, words

on repeat daisies of the galaxy by the eels jeannie’s diary just one page in jeannie’s diary it’s a motherfucker living without you one of my favorite albums mellow for the headache brooding for the heart ache can’t stop the thoughts today been one of those days again feels like an all time record for […]

prattle, words

i need more than this spinning out of control screaming at the walls music doesn’t calm the savage beast not any longer chemicals meditation mediation exoneration past sins present indiscretions need company closure anything but this nothing falling falling losing grace sputtering out of fuel inability consumed by silence send help please break the walls […]

ends with a y, words

the first time i dreamt about death i was four i saw myself on the table my parents, like so many back then didn’t think about the shows they watched in front of me didn’t take my high intelligence into the equation probably thought i was too busy playing with toys to see the things […]

training, words

i like to think of my failed suicide attempts as dress rehearsals or just planning stages not failures just getting the rhythm right the cuts the pills the misfires like jerking off before a big date get the bad ones out first so when the voices finally win when i reach my wits end i […]

corporate speak, words

corporate speak is another language altogether catch phrases and empty terms i find myself afloat in it rudderless i speak with the caring grace of a sledgehammer in an unruly five year old’s red bull fever drenched hands the talking around points hinting while never expressing mumbo jumbo like casting spells with no inherent understanding […]

murder conga, words

some days i feel like i am at the front of a murderous conga line like the person right behind me has knife poised at my throat a series of dangerous intent follows poisoned needles syringes filled with air machetes, machine guns and other phallic shaped implements of my unwitting demise not to say i […]

dream kiss, words

woke up from a dream in the middle of the night like a world made of multicolor smoke it dissipated as i tried to hold on pieces flash still coherent racing down the street my friend driving an odd collection of faces i no longer make out a van we were late which sounds right […]

cureforall, words

four aspirin, four pamprin washed down with dayquil and my first coke in years a cocktail recommended by a friend hope it works been a bad one today staring out the window as the purple creeps over the blue the moon rises an equinox warm spring blossoms green takes over from brown atmospheric pressure pounding […]

stares, words

he is outside smoking again standing there in his wife beater blowing clouds of bue gray smoke grease stains on the front yellowed at the arm pits he is going to work on that car all day again today just smoke cigarettes and lay on the ground beneath it i have never seen the damn […]

past passes by, words

maybe i have a problem letting go of the sadness because the cause of the sadness was what had made me feel happy if i let go of the sad i let go of the happy as well and in the desperate clinging to those few precious moments of joy i have to hold even […]

intuition, words

can’t shake the feeling i did something wrong again not sure what exactly but that amorphous sense of impending doom floats like rabid moths in my center churning sharks in my stomach whipped into a frenzy by the subtle scent of blood lifelines have receded, pulled up anchor and set sail for anywhere but near […]

phobos, words

agoraphobia is a fear of open places, trypophobia is a fear of holes, basophobia is the fear of falling i don’t have to deal with them but i know they are real i suffer from sedatephobia the fear of silence nothing screams as loudly as a quiet room i will go days without speaking not […]

synthetic juxtapose, words

upload my consciousness into a synthetic form remove emotion pure rationality let my mind roam without distraction ones and zeros binary bliss sink the detrimental parts with the flesh suit no ache no remorse none of the middling things that confine, define and resign us to this human condition electrical impulses curb impusive behavior occum’s […]

matters, words

when i was little they never said it was gonna be this way they never told me about the blues inside my head i had dreams, i had goals, there were things i wanted to do they never said it was just a long drawn out pain until you’re dead if they had been honest […]

muffins, words

baked muffins this morning the kids chowed them down i choked down the sadness as spring break comes to an end our last day together the silence calls again the void of a life alone for two weeks they don’t want to leave i don’t want to take them back they are the only lifeline […]

magician, words

be prepared for the magical mystification of the poet illiterate be dazzled as he turns victory to defeat spins interlocking rings of indecisive dismay into a solid band of loss oooh and ahhh as he pulls depression from his hat and paints a scenic vista of the hell in his mind his unfaithful assistant saws […]

mistakes, a tale

He knew he was totally fucked when she smiled at him. He knew it. Saw it in her smile lines like tea leaves in the bottom of a cup. The way her eyes lit up her entire face. He didn’t want this. Had fought against it for a long time now. In fact, he had […]

a father’s lament, words

my daughter has a crush watching young love in bloom is surreal and amazing stirs the heart strings and all that jazz i wish i could shield her from the dire effects, encase her heart in steel to protect it from the pain that is destined to come but i cannot my battered heart knows […]

90s style

you already know the blast from the past, the nickle plated nine shooter, tell your girl to be quiet or the madman will have to boot her the radical renaissance man, the lacsadasical shit talker, step to me with that nonsense you’ll be leaving with a walker i come in guns blazing, you know i […]

St Paddy’s

My first legal St Patrick’s day I went to the Blarney Pub with Dad. It was special occasion as that was his place and he asked me to come meet him after work. It was an adult thing not a father and son thing. It was equals meeting for a beer. You only get that […]

no. 13, words

been a bad couple days in my brain the prison of loneliness has grown more bitter solitary resignment not consensual, not by choice, nor grand design a contextual manifestation of sublime horror and traumatic intuition this terra incognito, this wasteland of one alcohol doesn’t numb it, drugs cannot tame it, airing it makes it worse […]

sync, words

tick tick tick the metronome keeps the time of the beat inside my mind i tap my foot with it eyes closed the world synchonizes with me soon all throbs with the same all encompassing urge i napped fitfully on and off in restless dream states waking with need dodging sunbeams like lasers from a […]

popcorn, words

it isn’t really insomnia if it happens all the time it is a state of being made the mistake of letting my depression run free and it brought on a manic fit of would’ve could’ve should’ve instead of sleep so i wrote and wrote at the middle point i always think i will quit this […]

tip, words

tantalizingly out of reach swimming in and out of focus i’ve forgotten what it means to be whole can you see me standing here, light refracting from the fear, the end is all so clear, hold me close and call me dear adversity, amoral acceptance of actual accidental arrogance ambiguous at best the thin line […]

quietly fading, words

normally the words sing today they murmur dismal chants into my head and i have chosen not to listen droning on and on, they whisper of pain and the implosion of sunshine vapor trails of loss so i feel it all quietly fade away it is raining in my heart that constant drizzle of cold […]

fanciful, words

a crystal menagerie of arthurian legend trapped in amber behind the veil of time and space elemental runes etched on the craggy walls sword and steel frozen in battle stance the maiden heart and virtuous knight locked in each other’s gaze for eternity of dragons and lairs filled with golden dreams and demons and atlantis […]

sand, words

the winds whip up the sand around me stinging and lashing, i feel it lacerate my exposed skin haven’t drank in days the burning days and freezing nights shimmering mirages taunt me at every dune i climb the carrion feeders circle the end is near this desert, all browns and yellow no green no life […]

encore, words

he set up a folding chair in his living room a dozen long stem roses for the lone guest two candles one of which to see her one for breath control she is a vision, his heart stops as she takes her seat he regrets only a dozen blooms as they pale in comparison to […]

perform, words

a private performance seating for one the spotlight casts it’s harsh gaze upon the fool, center stage his bald head covered in sweat from the light he bows opens his mouth to recite prose yet not sound comes out sips water, clears throat to try again nothing he looks out, fear and panic in his […]

wine stains, words

gonna live a true poet’s life too much wine, too much debt, too much internal angst ink stained fingers and suicidal daydreams embrace the rot within does any thing else matter besides clever word play and vague substitutions no start drinking coffee as four a.m. wine at six whiskey at ten supplement cocaine when the […]

grrr, words

left trust to rust in the warm swirl of vomit dropped the d out of dream and reamed all the feelings restitution, prostitution, the over deification of dramatis non persona look it up, i can’t be fucking bothered presumptuous consumption, courageous corrosion rectifed the partial lies until the cellular make up was mud clear issuance […]

gems and venom, words

sadness is a diamond cut by a master jeweler every facet is beautiful, crafted with care, polished into a blinding gleam and lasts forever my savage anger has forged my fists into weapons capable of reducing diamond to dust sorrow no longer has a grip on me homocidal urges control my brain, my fists, my […]

unexpected, words

there was a knock on the door, but as i looked through the peephole there was no one there again a knock no one there ding dong ditch i thought so i stood there waiting a hand came from the shadows and i jerked the door open the poor woman i’m in my boxers, was […]

normie, words

normal people weird me out going through life happy and without a care how do they function without crippling depression make it through the day without screaming in their head for the constant babbling to just fucking cease no dependency on chemicals to blend in like their natural camoflauge doesn’t exist they just manage to […]

unnamed 2018, words

am i an illusion the memories of life before fade the person i was seems to be disappearing and the new form feels wrong the skin is too itchy my wings stretch but catch no wind i can no longer propel myself into the sky now when i catch dreams on which to feast they […]

kite, words

a kite in a hurricane whipped and torn lost in the skies once considered home no sense of direction broken and bandied about never to know peace again destroyed by the one thing it trusted meant to soar, forced to fall delicate betrayal

punch-drunk pinwheels, words

ten o’clock at night, moving in on twenty hours of wakefulness just had to fix the float arm in the toilet jack of all trades, master of none plumbing is not my specialty though i have snaked a few drains in my time double entendre, set, match, win as i am working on it these […]

cor contritum, words

the walls are leaning in pressure real and insubstantial building there is one constant in electricity it seeks to go to ground, home, to dissipate the charge there is one constant in broken hearts they seek home, to dissipate the hurt cor contritum latin for broken heart a beautiful turn of phrase from a dead […]

little cub, words

just spent thirty minutes arguing fraudulent debit charge stay calm, keep your cool, the lady on the line didn’t do it anger flared in every cell bastards tried to get a hundred dollar baseball game i am close to screaming go to the bank and cancel card and get new one fury, righteous anger flowing […]

shedding, words

crystal clear delusion extinction level resent gratitude and superfluous share a common threadbare charm as i lay upon this altar, offering myself to the angry skies behold the fallen son the fabled archetype the supple sullen sacrifice open a vein to demeter, offer a coin to charon, spread the word of athena, send an ox […]

pacing, words

the sun is beaming down but the chill maintains the hold on the room the bright light pisses me off no reason just does irritable from the chaos that started the day aggravated by the lack of sleep disturbed as the dividends still haven’t acrued so i snarl at the sun got groceries for the […]

not working right, words

incomplete my thoughts feel disjointed out of whack meant to write a little piece today and two thousand words fell from my fingers to the screen it wasn’t very good i guess just some strange little love story it was supposed to be a poem about rain but i saw the words diosas somewhere it […]

forgotten, words

in my dream last night you were there it had been so long i didn’t recognize you but you knew me we talked for a while you a stranger, treating me as a friend, a lover, a confidant as you walked away i awoke staggered to the toilet and as i stood, leaning against the […]

sparse, words

one foot in reality one in the void head in the clouds heart out on loan the crumbling masonry work, dust from every shift in the now settling space rumblings of divine misfortune a broken wine glass and pool of sticky red is the centerpiece of the table blackened flowers, wilted and benign the remains […]

pack, words

the hounds of disappointment nip my heels i get ready for something i don’t want to do, in a crowded room, the thin layers of clothing the only protection from the ravenous maws fetid breath on my neck a wrong number on the phone would gladly sit home and talk to you all night whisper […]

hell, words

it only takes pouring the slab of a foundation to erect your own hell from there it takes a life of it’s own you don’t even see it suddenly there are walls around your heart your feet encased in rebar and you just stand there staring stupidly as they lower the dome over your head […]

balloon, words

wrote a note this morning tied it to a balloon and sent it off on the winds did you get it probably not it was unimportant just said i was at the end of my rope figuratively the note was tied to the end of the rope literally as i slept i dreamt of a […]

non compos mentis, words

the dishes are stacking up at any minute i expect a cockroach uprising three bags of overflowing garbage but when i walk outside the clouds talk to me not directly to me but out loud the voices rattle through the pipes as well in the walls from under the furniture i am out of towels […]

rats, words

you’ve never seen a rat not until you see one in a big city midwest or east coast preferably the damn things size of dogs and not afraid not of some piece of shit not in their alley they would rear up hiss with yellow orange teeth one night, after some debauchery more accurately in […]

penny poetry shop is closed

two cowboys meet up on the way out of town “get your supplies” “everything but some penny poetry for my girl back home” “why didn’t you get any? i know he restocks six or eight times a day” “sign on the door said closed” “he does that, you gotta wait, he cannot go long with […]

manilla hell, words

was looking for a book to read since sleep decided i wasn’t worth it’s time a manilla envelope fell from the shelf into my hand instead wish it hadn’t wish it had stayed tucked away hidden itself from my sight or that i had the brains to listen to my gut when it said don’t […]

bed ridden, words

going to bed, gotta ease this load this waking world ain’t fit for dreamers and my head’s always been in the clouds just gotta close my eyes and let reality slip away find my place without want or need i drift along with mind full of fog lost and scared of what will never be […]

this guy, words

wanna go visit this guy i know he has cut himself off from soceity sounds his time alone, a ghost in his own home rambles on and on about nothing has a thousand and a half stories most of them true some of them insane most do you have to hear about the quarter that […]

jazz ravine, words

bill evans trio on full volume a half pot of coffee an empty bottle of pills falling into the crescendo the racing chords, dischordiant, harmonic dissidence strumming across the rags i call a soul opening doors slamming windows the pots and pans clang erratically in time my brain rattles like the high hat a paint […]

beach, words

we were lying on the beach watching the waves roll in the sun had already done a number on us despite the number of times i got rub your back, your legs, under the blanket can never be too safe you giggled when i said that never said stop as the gulls circled above and […]

1000 miles, words

our friend stole his parents bank card one summer i was poor white trash my dad’s bank card was the free drink chips from the bar and by those standards we were rich but by any other we were dirt poor the cool thing about growing up poor is you don’t know any different so […]

trans-ition, a tale

I was sitting on the toilet, seat down, waiting for the wax to cool while bedazzling my leather thong when I had an epiphany. I said to myself, self it doesn’t get much better than this. Then I ripped the wax off and fought a scream. The price of being beautiful in this trying age […]

gato subido un arbol

my neighbor came over and knocked on my door she was frantic gato subido un arbol i knew gato my spanish is limited to mostly profanity had she said pinche joto, cabrĂ³n, blanco diablo i would have gotten the gist she grabbed my arm insisting gato subido un arbol gato subido un arbol her daughter […]

number ten extra spicy, words

i was driving down a country road it was around three in the afternoon, three hours until quitting time i was seeing double usually on a sunday i would stick with beer because of the night before hair of the dog that bit me my day had started off as usual barely poured myself out […]

escape, words

i’m thinking about running away leaving just a duffle bag of fluff and my phone guadalajara perhaps, learn acoustic guitar, become a mariachi sneak across the boarder up north and become a lumberjack, or harvest syrup jump in a freighter and get lost in china, eat scorpions and only speak mandarin anywhere but here somewhere […]

far from right, words

punch drunk from this constant ache eight more aspirin and a nap the life of half existence is hard relief, release, instead regret, remorse so i down the pills close my eyes whisper my love to the kids, to another if i die in my sleep those are strong last words words only i could […]

who is this again, words

my phone rang and i nearly dropped my cup of coffee onto my lap not sure which would have been more painful, the loss of the black liquid or the burnt balls probably having to clean the mess no need for another stain goddess knows i carry enough of them for a hundred failed dreamers […]

haikus, gesuindheit

the butterfly moves rippling cocoon, weakened wings winter fades to spring — his heart is shattered the lazy malaise of loss another dead dream — serendipity coming together as one but not for this one — the ice covers all but beneath blossoms find life her garden of love — bloody remnants fall the last […]

coffee and Her, words

the coffee maker hisses and spits in my head it is a seven foot south american hissing cockroach pissing into the pot woke up with one of those cluster headaches again well originally woke up to the headache kicking my ass in triple time but spoke with Her so between the flutters and excitement of […]

acid, words

i was on acid standing in the gas station, the flourescent lights beating down with the force of a thousand suns i went in to get a pack of smokes the acid had taken hold of my mind i was never one for filtering my thoughts without altering the broken thing i was raving about […]

one of those, words

having a sad night one of those wish i were being held nights feathered indians by tyler childers faded by POS kills to be resistant by bully sound track of my mental state swore i would just go get a bottle of whiskey before doing this to myself again listen to sad songs and embrace […]

typical day, words

so i sort of saved a life today i mean, i did save someone, i guess there was a bus and this lady with her headphones and she was not paying attention she checked one way she checked the other way and she stepped off the curb and then the bus came flying down the […]

no clever title, words

i wish those words were meant for me so much have you ever heard something so sweet and thought it would be the most amazing thing if they were aimed at your heart that happened today like when you are sitting alone and see someone wave and smile real big and confusedly think maybe it […]

pole, words

today has been spent in fire stations across mesquite i was crushed to learn i would not be sliding down a brass pole they just don’t have any poles any more bastard hope springing infernal got to climb in the fire truck and play around in a bomb disposal truck but it just wasn’t in […]

bumper, words

driving down the highway my middle finger a battering ram against the ignorance of little dicks in oversized diesel over compensators serpents in the high grass venomous camoflauged snakes coiled in the shape of hearts adrenaline spiked and cold blooded strikes if it weren’t for the small raw spot in the center of this wind […]

cage, words

squinting the tired spinning from my mind as i get dressed the howl of words whipping up a frothy frenzy as i attempt to close the cage it is like if you have a day off and do not nothing it is fine but if you have a day off and cannot do anything it […]

work, words

planning on spending the next couple days engrossed in work throw myself into it one of those find a reason to continue on sort of adventures in not wanting to curl up in a ball and die when i was a teen i stood on the railing of a bridge i watched the water beneath […]

shelter from the storm, words

i couldn’t tell if she was the tornado or the calm before the storm sitting on the hood of my car, sipping whiskey and staring up at the newly awakened stars, watching the clouds roll in fast, feeling the warm wind blowing from the opposite direction made me think of her the subtle burn of […]

u.p.p., words

drank a bottle of water while i drive too fast down the overly congested highway had to use the restroom the minute i got close to my destination small talk with the lady behind the counter love it when they call me darlin perks of living in the south bought another bottle of water before […]

moral dilemma, words

waiting for the call to go to work while i’m at work i will have a hundred ideas, snippets of things that need to be written down and no way to do it when i get home the echos will still be there but not the proper feel i’ll try a few times and then […]

fishing, words

“so, you actually are writing again” i didn’t quite care for her tone “yep” “since when” “august” she sat quietly trying to figure out how to ask if any of it was about her years ago she drunkenly confessed she thought the idea of someone writing about her was romantic then she threw up and […]

cigarette, words

i miss the crackle of a fresh lit cigarette sometimes the first inhale of blue smoke after a long night drinking, the stale smell of beer and a dirty ashtray like a dog without a bone she smiles into space wide eyed not here, not sitting on the couch not next to me my phone […]

one man circle pit, words

angry guitars wail a snide voice, whiny and prophetic snarls about the government, or organized religion maybe it is a love song i stopped paying attention five or six songs ago really paying attention my toes still tap along to the staccato drum breaks the bass line travels up and down my spine late seventies […]

rend and tear, words

anger has teeth, ragged broken things, chewing and grinding sorrow has wings, they drape and hang, threatening to smother but love has fangs, sharp pointed things that pierce, slide in with barely a notice, injecting venom directly into the vein, paralyzing the body and going directly to the heart and brain she hated driving an […]

shave, words

the feel of the razor at it scrapes across my head, terrforming it into a smooth uninhabitable place for the next few days she used to stand in the doorway and watch as i plied my craft, first with the grain, then the second against it now as i shave it i find myself looking […]

the park, words

it was the middle of the night we worked third shift together, a chance to get out of our empty homes and spend time together she worked two jobs and didn’t sleep much but kept this one to be with me we would go to the park next door and make out and steam up […]

brunch, words

her short shorts hit the floor as she stepped through the door her pretty little foot kicked the door closed as her shirt went over her head the bra and panties didn’t match the bra didn’t last long she stood, hands on hips daring me to speak i was far too interested in the view […]

sit, words

come and sit with me spend the night watching documentaries learn about each other laugh cry i’ll put on some music and we can slow dance and pretend we are somewhere else somewhere better run your fingers across my scars i will tell you their tales make up stories to wile away the time never […]

normal?, words

went to bed tired but fought to fall asleep, woke up feeling like i was beaten and not in the good way actually went to bed, try and be normal for the kids as normal as possible maia asked me yesterday if i have given up given up i carefully repeated on having a life, […]