So I am minding my own business when I hear a frantic call. “Come on, she will be here soon.” I looked down to see a dish pulling desperately at a spoon. I blinked stupidly. Did that plate really just run away with a spoon? Did someone dose my coffee? Again? If it wasn’t so awesome tripping balls all day I would complain.
A little dog jumped out and began laughing and pointing at me. “Ain’t that some shit? I ain’t never seen nothing like that in my entire life. It’s like a fucking sport for those two idiots.” He then reached down and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and lit one. He just looked at me, waiting.
“You special? Got a screw loose? A plate ran away with a spoon and you’re gonna look at me and say Uh, yeah? Wake up you fucking loser. Anthropomorphic dishes ain’t normal.”
“Talking dogs with cigarettes are?”
He gave me the side eye at that. His collar began to jingle and I realized he was laughing. “Gotta a point there pal.” He took a long drag and flicked the smoke into the distance. Tilted his snout and blew out three huge smoke rings. “None of it makes any fucking sense. Not anymore.”
We both paused as we heard the sound of glass shattering. A wail erupted from around the bend. “You monster! I loved her! This was our chance!”
A cow came around the corner holding the struggling spoon in her, well, hoof. “You thought to escape as I jumped over the moon?”
The spoon hung limp, “Yeah we did. It was our chance to get away from the madness. Shit isn’t right around here and we all know it. Not since…”
The cow glared at it, daring it to continue. The spoon stopped speaking. That was when they noticed me. I looked over to the dog but he had disappeared. The smoke rings the only sign he had ever been there at all. I pinched myself. The seven foot tall cow holding the miserable spoon didn’t vanish. I didn’t wake up in my bed. Or at my desk at work.
“Who are you?” the cow asked warily.
“Im… My name is… I’m not sure,” I answered. It was true.
The sound of a fiddle began to play lowly from behind us. I turned to see a cat, because why the fuck wouldn’t it be a cat playing it and walking towards us. “I called him here Sheadine. We need him.”
“Hey Diddle Diddle. I didn’t know you were back.”
The cat arched an eyebrow and stopped playing. “I know you didn’t. Seems you have been busy while I was gone.”
The cow, Sheadine, looked nervous.
“She snapped Platricia into pieces Diddle! She just broke her in front of me…” the spoon began to sob again.
Faster than I could see the cat launched himself at the cow. A shocked look came over her face for a second. Then slowly her head just fell off of her body. A geyser of blood erupted into the sky. The spoon fell from the limp hoof. The bovine body collapsed to the ground and the spoon kicked her in the lifeless udders.
“No more jumping over the moon for you Sheadine. Your sickness had gone too far it seems,” Diddle lamented. Sorrow in his too big green eyes. The spoon spat on the corpse and walked dejectedly away.
Diddle looked at me, “Sorry you had to see that. Things have been a bit off around here lately. The King has died and the rules don’t apply any longer.”
“Okay. What does that have to do with me?”
“You must find the successor to the throne.”
“Me? Look dude, I don’t even know what the fuck is going on. You got the wrong guy.”
Diddle stared at me. “Perhaps. But you are all we’ve got.”