41 Deaths, a farewell

I die tonight another year burned to ash, a new me to rise and suffer and struggle in the mess the old me left behind another notch that signifies how much closer to death I am and still all alone am I in crisis, falling apart, feeling the icy claws of death approaching from the […]

Squircle, words

my brain feels like it needs fiber, like it is constipated, like it needs a vowel movement there is so much thunder but no lightning noise but no illumination crashes and collisions but nothing makes it real my heart thunders like a stallion broken free and racing through the night or some other overly masculine […]

Turkeys Circling a Dead Cat

I saw a video tonight and I don’t know what I think, it looped over and again and I could not look away or understand the basic fucking concept of what I saw it was turkeys circling a dead cat in this perfect fucking choreographed dance strutting in victory of a stunning win in the […]

Ugly

I don’t know when I found art. it must have been a mistake, stumbled upon it, tripped over it looking for something to ogle. it feels like it came from punk. or the basic aesthetic originated there. graffiti as well. the train cars and murals on the underpass. I remember it took being shocked to […]

Surfing, words

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package not even sure the television is on been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression. it is so sad. he sits on the couch smoking weed all day. he writes nonsense and drinks himself to sleep. he is teetering at the edge of oblivion […]

Noon, series of nothing

I tell myself you are going to the store and will have interactions with people. it is healthy and you have been trapped inside getting wasted for almost two full weeks.  I tell myself that. then I go and make evil face so no one approaches and use the self check out. then talk to […]

Checkity Check 1 2

hey there my dear reader how are you doing today? good, good, at the edge of darkness, swirling ever closer and threatening to drown you? good. that is great. knocking it out of the park there. me?  honestly? No clue. none.  cereally. I got nothing. discovered honey whiskey. then discovered vanilla whiskey. hmmmph. story time? […]

Hey Dad

hey dad, been a while since we had a heart to heart, the hot trails down my cheeks are your disappointment in the place you have to watch me sit in wallowing in my depression like a pig in mud unknowing that the farmer comes and he has no more slop just a gun I […]

Pressure

I held her while she confessed her love to another man 725000 pounds per square inch is required to form a diamond I had told her how I felt for her an hour prior 8 pounds to tear off an ear it was crushing, I had no chance 11 to collapse a trachea, 33 to […]

trepidation 

I saw a beautiful hawk circling majestically over a field this morning slowly spinning lazy circles, lower and lower to the ground before diving down for a tasty snack as much as I want to be the hawk I know my place snatched into sharp talons and taken to a place of consumption motes of […]

Chin Up

woe is me. we look at our lives and see the shit streak of luck and it crushed us. it is bad, right? why is everything so terrible? will it ever get better? then it gets worse. we relish the idea of the normal things we complain about. want to go back to those simpler […]

Rock Bottom

there is a magical combination of booze and weed that exists. it is a tricky combo to find, but when you do it takes everything bad and smushes it into a ball that you can feel radiate horror but also manage to somewhat ignore. it is hard to hit that point and stop. a shot, […]

Decked

I am standing in the midst of a blizzard of playing cards. they fly about slicing into me and it is all I can do to protect my eyes. it is in slow motion and I watch every single one fly at me. an ace of spades nearly removes my left ear. the suit of […]

Acceptance Speech

Morning my sweets I learned something about myself this morning. Stepped out to take a walk. it felt cool. Not cold, but cool. I have a shaved head. they don’t mix well. So threw on a beanie.  At the second lap I realized I may have misinterpreted cool and chilly. Manned up and kept going. […]

Hercules, Heracles Tomato, Potato

So. Riding pretty high.  also, got fired. what does it say about me that i would rather daydream about a wonderful lady than focus on this hot mess? where there should be panic and abject terror there is a sense of content i am where i am supposed to be right now. this is my […]

Fell, or having fallen

A pair of heels in the center of Malcolm X Blvd. One on each of the yellow lines. Sodium lights casting a washed out look on everything. Except for her. She shines like a million suns. She was stunning in a black dress. I did my best not to stare. I failed. Repeatedly. Heels in […]

Phlegm, a tale Pt 1

Pretty Vacant (Sex Pistols) The thunder startled me awake. It felt like I was being bounced around inside a kettle drum. I tried to lay still as if the lack of motion would stop the onslaught of sound. As my eyes grew used to the darkness of my room I squinted to make out the […]

Gray

Feel empty this morning still that gray feeling of nothingness maybe tomorrow i will have something to say but it feels like this is gonna be a deep dive into numb if I seem a bit out of it or do not respond very quickly know it isn’t you my sweet hugs

Ghosts

like a band aid. had her stuff ready. she grabbed it and bailed. hardly uncomfortable at all. first time I saw her since she left  still beautiful same eyes that have haunted dreams. I couldn’t maintain contact with them I think that is understandable probably clinical detachment is key six years is a long time […]

Sunday morning coming down

good morning just wanted to say hi. connect a little. not in the mood today. headaches are getting worse.  My ex is getting the last of her things today. it will be nice to finally close the door. there will always be things that we shared, and I am grateful for them. But it is […]

Crossroads

good morning my love. 13 years ago I made a decision. Besides the occasional social beer or two I have been booze free. I am not an alcoholic, tip toed on the edge of it for years but never fell. been falling a lot lately. failing falling tripping fucking up and burning bridges that guy […]

Amy, The Doctor and Vincent

that scene where Amy Pond and the doctor take Van Gogh to see his art at the museum. that fucking scene. As he stands there and listens to the curator tell the doctor he is the greatest painter of all time. to hear that his passion and his pain were understood. As he stands there […]

Swerve

sparse but thickly layered. richly minimalistic. didgeridoo, oh no you didgerididn’t I apologize for that but I have had that in my head for eons and had to see what it tasted like. pickle brine and turpentine moonshine I am back in that 80s synth, new wave gummi brain vibe new Beck playing loudly. far […]

sleepy

losing track of things my dear friends been 2 days since I have slept. headache has not helped I am sure. Go to bed tired and think all night away. didn’t even set the alarm last night. could just tell how it was going to go. makes the words murky. like alphabet soup in my […]

Creep

this is a phantom post one intended to be deleted just a way to see the words that twinkle just out of focus I have, had, 100s of these. I call them roadblocks. ideas. not good enough, or I am not good enough more aptly, to hear the voice of, just whispers. sometimes I vent […]

Fairy Tales and Shopping Lists

Three days with the kids and suddenly this place is a morgue. Quiet. Too quiet. But thank goddess it is Monday. A fresh sheen on the weekly routine. A beginning to two weeks of solitary confinement with my head. A hellish torment until the kids return again.  Not sure if you have noticed but my […]

Track Marks, an ode

I love to gently kiss her track marks as she nods off on the couch. Like a connect the dots that makes the most beautiful portrait. My tongue goes numb on the freshest spots. She doesn’t even stir in her homemade coma. It makes me love her even more. I like to trace my tongue […]

Run Off

Hello my dear friends. I have been a busy bee with all these words falling like drunken gophers from my silly little head. Too much to contain. Anywho. Decided to add my shitty fiction here as well. You can feel free to ignore it. I will mark them with a tale or some such shit […]

Control, a scene

Thunder cracked in the distance. Seconds later the sky flashed and for a moment all was illuminated. Bodies littered the ground, carnage everywhere.  Then merciful blackness again. Purple afterimages of the dead lingering with every blink. The wind picks up as a cold rain begins falling.  The sounds of the dying interspersed with the wind […]

Not Today Satan

The ex is a wily creature. Preternaturally efficient at knowing the right time to strike. They sit coiled in the shadows, watching for moments of weakness. See also: demon, succubus, and dream crusher They come with flowery words and sinister intent. Somehow sensing that the last thing you need right now is the only thing […]

Value

Stuck at the Discount Tire. A near death experience comes at a low price of 118.23. A steal. With prices like these who wants to Not take a risk? Fuck yes, socialism at its finest.  I wonder what else has the rush of life ending but an affordable price tag? Fast food is a silent […]

Unicorn Hunting

The show was fantastic last night. The opener turned out to be a local group calling themselves Cure for Paranoia. Very Chance the Rapper vibe from the MC. A lot of talent in him. Generic white guy singing generic reggae was meh and brought it down a bit for me. Would see them again in […]

Notes

I feel slightly calmer now.  Music is the key to taming the savage beast methinks.  A combination of Vince Staples and The Bronx is magic. Vince put out Big Fish Theory this year and it is wonderful. Yeah Right and Party People are bangers. The Bronx is just fucking amazing punk. Something about the bass […]

ReTool

Hi.  Not gonna lie, I was done with this. Felt like the increasingly circular arguments my mind has been pursuing was too much. Retreading the same things, feeling the same feelings of disappointment, longing, not moving forward. Talked with a friend about it. He said don’t be a fucking quitter. Another told me she liked […]

Broken Watch

Time is the great healer. Or some such bullshit. I did a pull up yesterday and it barely hurt so I think work outs are back on. Thank Goddess. At least I can fall back into the routine of that again. Knee hurts from nailing the steering column. But nothing terrible.  Kids and BadBadNotGood this […]

Hmph

There is no amount of kush on the planet that will take this edge off. Maybe an ocean of whiskey. Fuck beans that was a close one.  I guess this Being John Malkobitch life is good for something. You can live through my horrid existence and not have to get your shoes dirty. So far […]

Fuck

Right? I am going a million miles a minute right now. Blowout on the highway going 75. Spun out. Nearly did not make it. Goddess fucking help me but that was close.  Never did that before. On ice sure. I saw that barricade bearing down and the truck as well. I was doomed. Fucking doomed. […]

Apples

So this dude at work has a major crush on me. I never really notice, terrible with signals and all, but it has become the source of the entire teams pleasure. They have pointed out how he walks by me multiple times a day. And giggles every time. I have headphones in and nearly no […]

Serial Thriller

The headache is gone! Until it comes back! Fuck. In this age of mass shootings and arcade style body counts, I find myself reminiscent for the good old days of the serial killer. They had class, took their time and always left delightful clues. They did things their won way, with impersonal touch and flair […]

Enlightenment, a tale

One time, a long time ago really, I was postioned on a rock facing East and trying my damnedest to reach an enlightened state of zen consciousness. My chakras were aligned and my chi was positively fucking overflowing. My spirit began to hum in tune with the world around me. A dove landed on my […]

Apology

howdy ho buckaroos black shirt, silver bowtie. Mad pimpin today. look like a server at an over priced yet underwhelming restaurant. Feel about the same. Went back to a place I have sealed off for years. A place no one has access to but me. One only three people have known about in the last […]

unimportant, skip

The chorus arrived finally. Did not bring the end of the headache with it though. Even napped to see if that would happen then, but alas, nothing. The chorus was not what I wanted. It turned out to be meandering and sad and we were shooting for uplifting. Everything seems sad so a little good […]

nothings

I am sitting alone crying. Jay-Z on SNL. His second performance. No back drop. White t shirt. No acknowledgement of the crowd. Eyes closed.  He rapped his apology. I was blown away with the track on the album. So raw and emotional and honest. The first time I heard it was right around the break […]

Swimming Laps

When my eyes opened this morning and my best friend Mr Headache greeted me with a spiral concussive force good morning kiss I knew it was going to be a special day. My birthday is in a month. Another mile marker on the road of my life. Except for bad shopping days until my birthday […]