Surfing, words

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package

not even sure the television is on

been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression. it is so sad. he sits on the couch smoking weed all day. he writes nonsense and drinks himself to sleep. he is teetering at the edge of oblivion and seems to not give a single fuck.

there is another show but it is too awkward to binge. it is about this single guy and his search for something more. he is pathetic. I watch it two or three times a week. it is chocked full of sexual innuendo and failure. like the office but more cringe and all real.

the oldies channel is dangerous. living in the past let’s the world atrophy far too quickly. and most of the shows end the same way. it is all so derivative. 

surfing channels but the remote is dead and the batteries are across the room

animated dominatrix administer pleasure and punishment in equal heavy handed ways, the laugh track switched with the screams of more

endless loops of theme songs degenerating into white noise and A Wilhem Scream, the sub sonic bass enough to make it all uncomfortable

off key karaoke starts after the whiskey begins flowing

click another fight over money click blood everywhere click words that cannot be taken back uttered in anger click more kissing click click click click

it won’t turn off

there is nothing good on today, just endless loops and timeless inadequacies, tired and hurry and heavy and too much

I want to go ride my bike like I did on the afternoon special last week, the one where we learned an extra special lesson about when it is appropriate to let self doubt destroy relationships

spoiler alert, every time is the right time

this show is about staring at yourself in abject hatred while working out, it is intense as shit and seems to really go no where but it plays for forty five minutes a day

click another day at the park with the kids click softly spoken lies under the sheets click desperate pleas to any higher power click screams at same higher powers click bargaining click tears like a monsoon, this is relaxing, full body sobbing with no real reason and no set stop

if I could just adjust the rabbit ears and wear a foil hat and stand on one foot while the other is touching the doorknob and my left hand is forming the bloods sign and my balls are arcing against the bare wire and just gentle choking

gentle choking

just a little, make your vision watery and slightly gasp for breath, you can bite if you want, slap, treat me like a piece of shit

I am

I deserve it

we interrupt this normally scheduled show for an important word from our sponsors

you are fucking worthless. an embarrassing sack of discarded diapers on life’s highway. unplug yourself. step away.

how do you like to put it? Sasquatch into the brush and just fade away. you were never here. go, before anyone accidentally gets an emotional attachment and realizes this is never going to mature into anything but loss

we now return to sad man typing

click

static. I miss the color bars after 1am. I miss a lot of things. missed a lot of chances. lost a lot of moments watching this garbage

surfing channels with a dead remote hoping some thing jumps out and pulls me in

it doesn’t

cooking cleaning singing working out begging trying failing pleasing crying I’m hungry but I can’t find the channel

this is all scripted and dubbed and the names have been changed to protect the guilty but we all know it is just Vaseline on the lens and trick shots. certain religious icons have been removed to make it more palatable for the viewers in other countries

oh fuck. her channel. the constant repeat of images of her. that means the next channel is drinking. flipping back and forth between scenes of kissing her to pounding back shots. 

no one wants to watch that

click

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