i don’t understand the phrase under the weather i am always under the weather or part of it but today i am officially under it i tried to deny it to ignore it just keep moving and it will vanish like debt and stress i assume that is how it all works i probably got […]

i sat in the lobby waiting for the dude who has the distinct privilige of being my personal tour guide through the bowels of the county hospital the first thing you notice about the county hospital is nothing appears new the entire place has a lived in feeling in comparison to the for profit hospitals […]

there was a big wreck on the highway seemed like five or six cars was i curious sure but i was driving and i take my role in getting where i am going pretty seriously so i refuse to rubberneck now if we stop and it is in within view i look for stray limbs […]

sometimes during a kiss i open my eyes in my mind i paint a portrait of the look on the face kissing me back a frozen moment some looks are blissful, calm, in the second so completely, almost melting into me those are nice sweet kisses, soft, tongues dancing, rapturous instances of joy others eyes […]

right as sleep took over my mind i had a brilliant idea but through the fog i convinced myself i would remember instead of writing it down now it is the memory of an idea with no substance taken over by a dream i rode a bicycle across europe hooked a sharp right and rode […]

never feel like i fit in quite right the elliptical block in the round hole sitting outside maia’s school freshly shaved head bearded angry looking white male with silver hoops tatted bad man surrounded by soccer moms country coming out of their trucks and suvs the bass rattling my windows or singing along with punk […]

little cat naps as we skip along the clouds little glimpses of rest in an ocean of cluster headache looking forward to my bed, my pillow, will settle for coffee in my mug on the couch got to play in the snow and fly back to texas where it will be cooler than boston makes […]

dancing in the nigh empty terminal, hours until my flight soon i will be flying as near home as i tend to get and as close to you as i probably will ever be bowing to the ladies on carts, ignoring stares, lighter on my feet than the weight of exhaustion should allow treated three […]

normally i am a good flyer but the onset turbulence and sudden drop in cabin pressure made my heart skip a beat as i struggle to put the oxygen mask onto my face and remember my cushion can be used as a floatation device, i cannot think straight are we over water what state is […]

is there anything as lovely as a thunderstorm the world blanketed in gray, the soft pitter patter of warm fat drops nine times out of ten the view from the airport is of planes, saint louis is no different at least i have the storm for comfort a warm fuzzy blanket to block the horror […]

security check in felt herded into the long line to the slaughter house uneven lanes, the herd uncaring, heads down staring at phones instead of the subtle hiss thump of an air hammer it is the call out for all electronics in the bins half strip for the X-ray peep show, no shoes, no belt, […]

“Speak, I need the entire tale.” “It started with a car accident. A tire blew out and the car spun and flipped. I was hanging upside down, pretty sure I was about to die when a monster came out of the woods and offered me a deal.” “Allow me to give you a little backstory, […]

Carcosa was a trap, placed inside of a book that was given as a gift. A gift from the only person that had my back when I was at my absolute worst. I refuse to believe it was on purpose. It is crushing to even consider a betrayal, but from Chad? Utterly impossible. Jackie says […]

not sure which personality is in charge today been teary eyed, at the edge of breaking down, chest under pressure, head hurts, gonna cry any minute need release need relief missing the feeling of missing someone, missing the feeling of being missed miss mattering misplaced, mischief, misaligned, maligned, maladjusted and saturated with grief feel so […]

So I am sitting in this rusty, a pack of thorobred sized emaciated dogs throwing themselves against the bars, because a dude in a yellow robe hit me with his tentacle leg. This is what is racing through my mind on repeat. Like the start of a bad stand up routine. A funny thing happened […]

Have you ever woken up and just known someone was staring at you as you slept? That strange feeling of intrusion? When I rolled over from my nap after the battle with Dagon and scratched my balls on the couch I realized someone was staring intently at me. I think it was that feeling that […]

I was not in a party mood. The bit of self realization I had outside the East Tower was enough to ruin my mood for anything more than some solid staring at the ceiling time. I am scared to death. Of nearly every aspect of my new life. When it was going full speed and […]

The alarm went off and scared the hell out of me. I sat up and immediately wished I hadn’t. My insides felt like they were sloshing inside of me. I was filled with booze and some evil Newtonian liquid. I was hung over as hell. How much had I drank the night before? It started […]

Everything I have known and believed for most of my life has turned out to be a lie. That is a hard realization to face. But for once As I lay in bed basking in the post coital glow of mind blowing sex. The connection between Apricus and I was undeniable. Now that I had […]

We spent a while in the kitchen. My mind was jelly from seeing all of creation. My soul was broken at the ramifications of it all. There was no one true God as we had been taught our entire lives. It was a collective sprung forth from the original celestial being that incorporated itself into […]

Over the last couple days there has been a shift in how Apricus behaves toward me. It is alarming. She has been polite and very nearly charming. I don’t trust it. When I opened my eyes this morning, well what I choose to call morning in this perpetual night at least, She was sitting on […]

Ever go from suicidal in an apartment to miserable in a castle tower? Like a princess in a fairy tale where the evil step mother is in love with you and your dream girl is more unattainable now then ever? Where your darkest depression seems light and jovial in the face of an alien landscape? […]

My phone ringing broke me from the opioid induced sleep. I opened my eyes and had to shake the fuzz from my brain. Did the evening even happen? I dreamt of Her. The look in Her eyes as She looked at me. I have never seen anyone look at me with that intensity and pure… […]

I got a prescription for Vicodin for my birthday. And it is one of the most glorious presents ever received. They ran a few tests on me until I mentioned the lack of insurance and willingness to pay. Suddenly they realized I was probably okay. Low blood sugar and the stress of the accident satisfied […]

I hate birthdays. Especially my own. It happens too late in the year and always got overshadowed by the real holidays. And I have always been okay with that. When I was a kid my parents never had much money. That combined with the proximity to Christmas meant one or two presents. Not that presents […]

The sky was a dark shade of purple, like a bruise covering the world. Heavy clouds blanketed it and kept the twinkling of the stars hidden. The moon was clear of the cloud cover and shone with a pugnent orange, like a giant sky pumpkin. The clouds themselves were fat with snow that threatened at […]

I cannot tell if I am awake or not. If this is reality or a waking nightmare. I tried. If anyone ever asks, I did try. It is the sixth day since my first failed attempt. Since I understood normal. In this time I have failed to die twenty seven times. Been killed once. Had […]

I woke to the knowledge that everything I wanted from this world was gone. That this pain, this horrible stabbing fucking agony was my new reality. My every dream, my every release was dead. Like the most wonderful woman I had ever known. I woke up with the tears already falling. Choking on my misery […]

Remember. Was she watching even now? I closed the blinds and shut off the lights. Shut my phone down as well. I sat huddled on the floor next to the cocoa spill, razor opened and ready to attack. “Do you have the apartment bugged? Do you?” I screamed. “”Fuck you! I’m not yours! Leave me […]

I haven’t slept since the text. I used a staple gun and hung a blanket over the mirror. I have beem drinking coffee by the pot for the last twelve hours. And pissing in a botttle. I am aware how this sounds. But I have reached a level of sheer terror that has caused my […]

I slept twelve hours in a Nyquil induced coma of hell. Consumed by Her only to wake up under the ice on repeat. I woke up in my bed that was soaked with what appeared to be gallons of icy water and a bluish tint to my skin. Shivering I took a like warm shower […]

My eyes opened and I sat up in a rush, gasping and hands going to my throat. The flesh felt normal, like it always did. The gash was not there. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and using the camera checked myself out. Nothing. Fresh shave and no open wound, no trace of […]

I learned something important about myself today. No, not why I didn’t die. And no, not how I woke up with an icy tattoo on my clavicle. I learned that I am shit at patching drywall. Another trip to the hardware store and hours of clean up and half assed plastering proved it. It was […]

I sat alone, watching the clouds roll by and trying desperately to find one reason not to kill myself. As if to mock me, or my subconscious trying to encourage me, the clouds took shape before my eyes. I saw a bottle, short and squat, that looked like the poison in old black and white […]

At his funeral he insisted that his corpse was to be interred at twelve feet deep, a second corpse, one of a beggar was then to be placed at the normal six foot depth. They thought him insane. But being a last request in sound mind, at the time at least, it was done. That […]

as i stared in the mirror while shaving my head my mind wandered to you, as it has become prone to do in moments of quiet reflection, in the mirror reflection of another world where things might have been successful the last thing you said was that it was the last time you would ever […]

i cry everytime I watch my daughter perform, everytime the darkness comes at me from all sides, everytime i think of you, everytime these walls start pushing on me and breathing becomes a chore, when the loneliness is the only flavor in my mouth, when i wake in the middle of the night from a […]

started to see my failings, my dreaming heart, my romantic streak, my insecurities as a business opportunity, a chance to turn all this hypnotic jiggle and subversive intellect into cold hard cash, a little side money as the side piece boyfriend rental, want to feel like the top of the world and the only girl […]

if i sent the messages i type out to the people i type them out to i think they would call the police or an ambulance, or maybe poison control the only real relationship i have is with my depression i would hit send but there is no point i spend time crafting them, changing […]

how long have i been holding my breath i remember holding it, sucking in a huge lungful until I felt my lungs would burst, my chest expanding, a burning feeling it feels like forever ago was it a month ago spots dance before my eyes and i try to remember how to exhale this gust […]

growing up with alcoholics is living in a dual singularity some days are the best and every one laughs and the party feels like it shouldn’t even end, everyone loves everyone and life is as good as possible, my job as waiter and professional beer fetcher is one, as a child, i took pride in […]

just got off the phone with Lana, my friend that moved to New York she yelled at me for thirty straight minutes. i did not enjoy it. but she was right. i let me bad thoughts control me the last couple of days, the dark spiral. everything became black and white and it was all […]

repeat, retweet, react, rehash rinse and repeat the cycle all over again my mind has become a contortionist, an origami wizard, able to take the same three thoughts and repackage them as wholly new look, a swan now it is a dove now it is the crushing realization that it is december that fucking swan […]

this is not my suicide note this is not my last good bye to you, my friends, my family, my love lost, my love never found, my almost, my missed chance, my every evil thought this is not that this is not my cry for help, my plea for forgiveness, my screaming shaking voice broken […]

non-existent again still not sure any longer if i ever existed in the first place, not really, not any more not sure i want to it all seems like too much, the effort required to be functional, to be part of this spiderweb, plucking strands and hoping for a place i fit but i feel […]

I avoid eye contact whenever possible they say the eyes are the window to the soul, a look with in, and I don’t want you to see what is within me, to judge by my lack of character, to see past this character that I portray, to see what I lack so I avoid eye […]

I showered and shaved my head today that doesn’t sound like much to you but it was monumental for me, just getting up and moving was feat of legend I sit here and wallow in the agony because what if I were to go outside what if I had to interact with someone what if  […]

two weeks until the kids return solitary confinement until then, these walls and my own frantic screams the only companions, the words constant and undiluted, unlimited in speed and force, a physics equation of the breaking point of a man limit reached, exceeded, the duality of depression and longing intricate and become one I need […]

went out for a coffee with a trans lady, curiosity abounded, the struggle, the looks, the questions from with in and out, stepping out of our comfort zones she was beautiful, polite and aware to how precious life is, born one thing but destined to be another we chatted about normal things, books and art, […]

the walls are closing in on me this morning made the sacred pilgrimage to the Mart of Wal, the quest to find bread and milk a success over dressed in shorts and shirt, pajamas the flavor of the day the remnants of a great battle marked the entire marketplace, I saw the decapitated head of […]

Thirteen years ago you came, a little bundle of tears and all of my fears personified into one perfect package I was rudderless, adrift with no purpose, no clue where or what I wanted out of life and then I held you no, before that the first time your heartbeat filled the room, it was […]

first holiday season alone in 17 years, if it is anything like my birthday this is going to be fucking epic levels of sad since I moved to Texas I have been in a relationship, so even though I have no family here I always had their family now, hmmpf, nothing kids are with their […]

I need a hug. Been too much drama all day and god damn it I want a fucking hug.  is that too much to ask for? seriously, is it? because fuck me it feels like it.  Been a non-entity for two weeks. a ghost.  am I dead? did I fucking cease to exist and no […]

she leaves a trail of broken and discarded things in her wake, broken hearts and shattered homes always the victim, the wronged one, finding excuses to cover up the never ending lies a monster wrapped in the sweetest disguise, a demon with steel gray eyes and blackened heart a natural disaster with intent to kill, […]

I wonder if this year was the worst year of my life because it was just an absolute shit show of emotional death and destruction compounded by loss and false hope and multiplied by tension and depression. or because as we get older it just becomes apparent how shitty life really is. think back. last […]

they say misery loves company but that is false. so many people I know are at rock bottom right now. people I care about immensely.  I know. I see them.  misery does not love company. I want them gone from my realm. this land of bleak and desolate loneliness is not for you. I am […]

butterflies and sequined stars, bitter lies and puckered scars, your soul is more than comments and likes, of broken chains and discarded bikes of endless whispers said in vain, loss and love and crimson stain, to say the truth and disguise the hate, to tremor and shake to avoid your fate I want to be […]

I am obsessed with finding the right combinations of letters and syllables to magically turn this endless fountain off I feel like if I can just lay it all out there these mutterings will cease and I can focus on anything else write around the issues and they will phase away, leaving another corpse in […]

they say when you see 11:11 you are exactly where you are supposed to be it is a sign you are going the right way everyday I catch it at least once and where I am is not where I need to be listen to me, I am not supposed to be here, this is […]

Hello there, umm, God? Goddess? Gods? Elemental Spirits? Mother Gaia? Loki? please be Loki, please. you will get me. born of Frost Giants and given to the hated enemy. raised as one of the Aesir and rightful heir to Asgard. destined to rise and lead victory at Ragnarock. fuck. or Jesus. Lamb of God. blah […]

it isn’t that I have anything to say, it is I have no one to say anything to. it makes a difference. the words that don’t get said, the thoughts no one cares to hear get all backed up and I cannot stand it any more and have to write them down flooding the airwaves […]

when ever you get to the point where you can not take another fucking second of this this this unyielding and terrifying nothingness, oblique and carved from obsidian, sharp enough to cut an electron yet in the hands of an angry three year old take shelter in me an angel fell, hurtling like a meteor, […]

I die tonight another year burned to ash, a new me to rise and suffer and struggle in the mess the old me left behind another notch that signifies how much closer to death I am and still all alone am I in crisis, falling apart, feeling the icy claws of death approaching from the […]

my brain feels like it needs fiber, like it is constipated, like it needs a vowel movement there is so much thunder but no lightning noise but no illumination crashes and collisions but nothing makes it real my heart thunders like a stallion broken free and racing through the night or some other overly masculine […]

I saw a video tonight and I don’t know what I think, it looped over and again and I could not look away or understand the basic fucking concept of what I saw it was turkeys circling a dead cat in this perfect fucking choreographed dance strutting in victory of a stunning win in the […]

I don’t know when I found art. it must have been a mistake, stumbled upon it, tripped over it looking for something to ogle. it feels like it came from punk. or the basic aesthetic originated there. graffiti as well. the train cars and murals on the underpass. I remember it took being shocked to […]

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package not even sure the television is on been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression. it is so sad. he sits on the couch smoking weed all day. he writes nonsense and drinks himself to sleep. he is teetering at the edge of oblivion […]

I tell myself you are going to the store and will have interactions with people. it is healthy and you have been trapped inside getting wasted for almost two full weeks.  I tell myself that. then I go and make evil face so no one approaches and use the self check out. then talk to […]

hey there my dear reader how are you doing today? good, good, at the edge of darkness, swirling ever closer and threatening to drown you? good. that is great. knocking it out of the park there. me?  honestly? No clue. none.  cereally. I got nothing. discovered honey whiskey. then discovered vanilla whiskey. hmmmph. story time? […]

hey dad, been a while since we had a heart to heart, the hot trails down my cheeks are your disappointment in the place you have to watch me sit in wallowing in my depression like a pig in mud unknowing that the farmer comes and he has no more slop just a gun I […]

I held her while she confessed her love to another man 725000 pounds per square inch is required to form a diamond I had told her how I felt for her an hour prior 8 pounds to tear off an ear it was crushing, I had no chance 11 to collapse a trachea, 33 to […]

sing your pain to me, whisper it directly into my heart and I will accompany you our disparate rhythms finding a meeting point in sorrow give me your ghosts and I will give you mine burn the place to the ground together and dance on the ashes of the ones we left behind laugh at […]

I saw a beautiful hawk circling majestically over a field this morning slowly spinning lazy circles, lower and lower to the ground before diving down for a tasty snack as much as I want to be the hawk I know my place snatched into sharp talons and taken to a place of consumption motes of […]

woe is me. we look at our lives and see the shit streak of luck and it crushed us. it is bad, right? why is everything so terrible? will it ever get better? then it gets worse. we relish the idea of the normal things we complain about. want to go back to those simpler […]

there is a magical combination of booze and weed that exists. it is a tricky combo to find, but when you do it takes everything bad and smushes it into a ball that you can feel radiate horror but also manage to somewhat ignore. it is hard to hit that point and stop. a shot, […]

I am standing in the midst of a blizzard of playing cards. they fly about slicing into me and it is all I can do to protect my eyes. it is in slow motion and I watch every single one fly at me. an ace of spades nearly removes my left ear. the suit of […]

the sun had not risen yet, but the easterly wind had a tinge of warmth. rustled the leaves of the trees as if to announce the approaching sun. regally, life in the woods stirred from slumber as if a page in a pop up book. alone, against the trunk of an old oak sat a […]

Morning my sweets I learned something about myself this morning. Stepped out to take a walk. it felt cool. Not cold, but cool. I have a shaved head. they don’t mix well. So threw on a beanie.  At the second lap I realized I may have misinterpreted cool and chilly. Manned up and kept going. […]

So. Riding pretty high.  also, got fired. what does it say about me that i would rather daydream about a wonderful lady than focus on this hot mess? where there should be panic and abject terror there is a sense of content i am where i am supposed to be right now. this is my […]

A pair of heels in the center of Malcolm X Blvd. One on each of the yellow lines. Sodium lights casting a washed out look on everything. Except for her. She shines like a million suns. She was stunning in a black dress. I did my best not to stare. I failed. Repeatedly. Heels in […]

Pretty Vacant (Sex Pistols) The thunder startled me awake. It felt like I was being bounced around inside a kettle drum. I tried to lay still as if the lack of motion would stop the onslaught of sound. As my eyes grew used to the darkness of my room I squinted to make out the […]

Feel empty this morning still that gray feeling of nothingness maybe tomorrow i will have something to say but it feels like this is gonna be a deep dive into numb if I seem a bit out of it or do not respond very quickly know it isn’t you my sweet hugs

like a band aid. had her stuff ready. she grabbed it and bailed. hardly uncomfortable at all. first time I saw her since she left  still beautiful same eyes that have haunted dreams. I couldn’t maintain contact with them I think that is understandable probably clinical detachment is key six years is a long time […]

good morning just wanted to say hi. connect a little. not in the mood today. headaches are getting worse.  My ex is getting the last of her things today. it will be nice to finally close the door. there will always be things that we shared, and I am grateful for them. But it is […]

good morning my love. 13 years ago I made a decision. Besides the occasional social beer or two I have been booze free. I am not an alcoholic, tip toed on the edge of it for years but never fell. been falling a lot lately. failing falling tripping fucking up and burning bridges that guy […]

that scene where Amy Pond and the doctor take Van Gogh to see his art at the museum. that fucking scene. As he stands there and listens to the curator tell the doctor he is the greatest painter of all time. to hear that his passion and his pain were understood. As he stands there […]

sparse but thickly layered. richly minimalistic. didgeridoo, oh no you didgerididn’t I apologize for that but I have had that in my head for eons and had to see what it tasted like. pickle brine and turpentine moonshine I am back in that 80s synth, new wave gummi brain vibe new Beck playing loudly. far […]

losing track of things my dear friends been 2 days since I have slept. headache has not helped I am sure. Go to bed tired and think all night away. didn’t even set the alarm last night. could just tell how it was going to go. makes the words murky. like alphabet soup in my […]

this is a phantom post one intended to be deleted just a way to see the words that twinkle just out of focus I have, had, 100s of these. I call them roadblocks. ideas. not good enough, or I am not good enough more aptly, to hear the voice of, just whispers. sometimes I vent […]

Three days with the kids and suddenly this place is a morgue. Quiet. Too quiet. But thank goddess it is Monday. A fresh sheen on the weekly routine. A beginning to two weeks of solitary confinement with my head. A hellish torment until the kids return again.  Not sure if you have noticed but my […]

I love to gently kiss her track marks as she nods off on the couch. Like a connect the dots that makes the most beautiful portrait. My tongue goes numb on the freshest spots. She doesn’t even stir in her homemade coma. It makes me love her even more. I like to trace my tongue […]

Hello my dear friends. I have been a busy bee with all these words falling like drunken gophers from my silly little head. Too much to contain. Anywho. Decided to add my shitty fiction here as well. You can feel free to ignore it. I will mark them with a tale or some such shit […]

Thunder cracked in the distance. Seconds later the sky flashed and for a moment all was illuminated. Bodies littered the ground, carnage everywhere.  Then merciful blackness again. Purple afterimages of the dead lingering with every blink. The wind picks up as a cold rain begins falling.  The sounds of the dying interspersed with the wind […]

The ex is a wily creature. Preternaturally efficient at knowing the right time to strike. They sit coiled in the shadows, watching for moments of weakness. See also: demon, succubus, and dream crusher They come with flowery words and sinister intent. Somehow sensing that the last thing you need right now is the only thing […]

Stuck at the Discount Tire. A near death experience comes at a low price of 118.23. A steal. With prices like these who wants to Not take a risk? Fuck yes, socialism at its finest.  I wonder what else has the rush of life ending but an affordable price tag? Fast food is a silent […]

The show was fantastic last night. The opener turned out to be a local group calling themselves Cure for Paranoia. Very Chance the Rapper vibe from the MC. A lot of talent in him. Generic white guy singing generic reggae was meh and brought it down a bit for me. Would see them again in […]

I feel slightly calmer now.  Music is the key to taming the savage beast methinks.  A combination of Vince Staples and The Bronx is magic. Vince put out Big Fish Theory this year and it is wonderful. Yeah Right and Party People are bangers. The Bronx is just fucking amazing punk. Something about the bass […]

Hi.  Not gonna lie, I was done with this. Felt like the increasingly circular arguments my mind has been pursuing was too much. Retreading the same things, feeling the same feelings of disappointment, longing, not moving forward. Talked with a friend about it. He said don’t be a fucking quitter. Another told me she liked […]

Time is the great healer. Or some such bullshit. I did a pull up yesterday and it barely hurt so I think work outs are back on. Thank Goddess. At least I can fall back into the routine of that again. Knee hurts from nailing the steering column. But nothing terrible.  Kids and BadBadNotGood this […]