Chin Up

woe is me. we look at our lives and see the shit streak of luck and it crushed us. it is bad, right? why is everything so terrible? will it ever get better?

then it gets worse. we relish the idea of the normal things we complain about. want to go back to those simpler times, that honestly? not as bad as we thought.

we were upset because we chilled inside for the weekend. or because something came up and inconvenienced us in some inconsequential way.

it is not until you find yourself with broken nails from trying to crawl your way back to reality that you begin to understand how much worse others have it. and have had it. while we bitched about nothing.

I have been to both. unhappy for the sake of complaint, too happy in the midst of disaster. I wish I could smack myself in the fucking mouth for all the times I was unhappy for no real reason.

I am down. so very down. mentioned rock bottom. that was true. is true. I am at the fucking end of my wit. when your only idea is drowning the pain there is no way to go but up. or farther down in it. wallow in it. swim through the pain and misery and lost opportunities.

or we can surface. hold our breath until we feel like we are going to explode as the waters around us begin to illuminate. hope we can break the surface before we drown. 

maybe stop caring if we do drown.

today’s lesson from Uncle Spanky is a simple one. don’t give up. never relinquish that part of you to giving in. never. 

we have to give up some things. some broken parts are false hopes. we have to let them go to move forward or risk them acting as anchors to pull us down in the murky brine with them. 

my problem is never letting go.

learn from Uncle Spanky. don’t be an idiot like him. 

I’m not waving, I’m drowning. I’m not waving, I’m drowning. 

gonna see Maia and Dax tonight. my reasons for existence. not gonna tell them how bad it is, because they don’t need that pressure. they do not need to see daddy near tears. they have had to endure that this year with all the shit that has piled on me. I can hold my head up high for them for 2 and a half days.

I have to. no need to tell them I am broken and panicked. no need for them to know that love is a somewhat nigh impossible goal for an old idiot. they need the hope that they will fall in love and have everything. that life is a good and warm place. 

it damn well isn’t.

somethings life has to crush out of you. no one else can teach you these things, we all seem jaded and weathered to youthful impracticality. fake smiles. no flinching. everything is fine and dandy. 

you still have a chance dearest friends. my love. you can still make something of yourself. 

I worry about making it the next 2 weeks. I feel as if I have finally found the boundary that fences off my life from the rest of the world. we have all felt this way I guess. but i feel like I am standing on stage with hands bound behind my back and that bastard with the mask is about to release the trapdoor beneath my feet. the rope around my neck feels comforting, like my lion blanket that has not left my side since I was 4.

pull it you rotten prick. fuck off and be a man and do it. I have all day.

I love you. Whole Bunches. even if I am not there to see you do it, grab life by the ball sac and laugh merrily as it bucks and tries to throw you off. you are fucking wonderful.

I’m gonna practice smiling. And stop dreaming for a while. because that just makes it harder. 

I will still see you in my head, wish to hold you in my arms, and long to whisper sweet nothings. And I will not cry. 

much. 

I miss you. 

ME

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