trepidation 

I saw a beautiful hawk circling majestically over a field this morning

slowly spinning lazy circles, lower and lower to the ground before diving down for a tasty snack

as much as I want to be the hawk I know my place

snatched into sharp talons and taken to a place of consumption

motes of dust in the uncaring eye of a cold illusionary goddess, forced to float in a world of entropy while watching everything around us crumble into disarray

literally born to fade away

the talons, bludgeoned by the storm brewing, and utterly alone in the midst of all consuming horror we struggle to find a purpose

a purpose, a porpoise, a dolphin, a dolls hand, porcelain and pure and cold and unfeeling

the stigma the stigmata the Stygian dreams of those who have fallen

she eyes me up and down but there is no longing in those eyes fitting me for whatever set of finery she plans to light me on fire in

my own set of emperors new clothes, stripped and set out bare like a babe from the womb, thrust out of comfort and set upon a path of ruin into a world that does not know we even exist

biochemical dependency, looking for that fix, that hit, that hope, that love, that acceptance, belonging

all illusionary, disciplinary, contrarian, conceptual, condescending, convoluted, concluded, cryogenically frozen snippets of another time and place where all we want comes true

trepidation

use the context clues, find the trail, grab the scent, follow the pheromones and bare your soul

that complex set of electrical impulses and ragtag band of neurotransmitters that form a perfect image of imperfection

plug and play, defined insanity, a set of rules bound to the belief in the unbelievable, the unknown, the unpossible

she makes me undress in front her, watching to see every secret shed every fault highlighted, every sin laid bare

the words keep falling out, unheard or unwanted, rejection by lack of interpretation, disapproval by lack of concern

I am her homonculii, her golem, her clay creature that performs her every bidding

her slave, indentured and forever sullied by the sins and actions of others

her beginner car to test the highways once again, but not the final vehical choice

a safety net suspended over a shark tank while she picks her next meal, lounging as they leap and bite beneath her

her mistake, even as I beg to not be. beg to be more. beg to be the one she sees before she sleeps as she is to me

she circles over the field and I sit in attention, rapt and waiting as she finds her next meal

always the dormouse, never enormous, amorous or fabulous

just a rat, pumped full of junk and force fed poisons while made to run a maze that has no exit

cradled in denial and saturated in empty words 

I saw a beautiful hawk, majestically circling a field and felt jealousy this morning. 

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