there is a magical combination of booze and weed that exists. it is a tricky combo to find, but when you do it takes everything bad and smushes it into a ball that you can feel radiate horror but also manage to somewhat ignore.
it is hard to hit that point and stop. a shot, a hit and wait. shot and hit and wait.
let it percolate.
I am at rock bottom. it all unwound this week. all of it.
started Sunday and just became windows into what could, but ultimately never will be.
gonna sell my books next weekend. and Xbox one. and every thing else I have to survive.
soul still pending payment. heart has been removed from market due to lack of interest.
who am I fooling. it has been bowl followed by glass. bowl and then glass and then freak. bowl and then glass and then freak.
friends have been there all day. and I love them for it. Special shout out to Kyle and Denzil for giving a fuck. love you both very much.
NoFX says in the song, It ain’t lonely at the bottom that they hit rock bottom but it didn’t hit back.
I wish it would. because this numb feeling of impending doom is fucking bullshit all day everyday.
another glass. another bowl. another trip down the rabbit hole. another hit. another glass. turn off my phone before I am an ass.
I am beyond redemption. beyond salvation. every thing I want turns to ash in my hands.
on the laundry list of things I have on my hands; the suicide, the divorce, all the many and varied failures, the lost chances, the almosts, the latest failed attempts at love and life. all of these check marks on my psyche. the kids are the only thing I have done right. and if this tailspin doesn’t correct and soon, I will lose them as well.
I was asked if I thought life was crazy.
I didn’t even stop to consider my response. it is ingrained in me.
I said of course. it is all fucking chance. we were tadpoles that hopped out of the ooze and decided to try dry land on for a change. it was an accident. not some predestined event, no matter how I want it to be. we get exactly what we get here for exactly as long as it lasts. no more. the pursuit of chemicals that make us feel love and happiness are the only driving force behind it. those chemical responses in our brain. we just need to be happy. in a world of chaos that could not care if we exist or not. nothing stops when we die. the earth does not pause in reflection. we just shatter that chemical response in someone else. their world stops. not that we notice.
no one does.
I hit rock bottom and just decided to pop a squat and see who else was down here.
love you, miss you, wish I were what was needed
I’m not, but we both knew that, didn’t we?
I think we did. we both did. doesn’t change my feelings. nor yours. so at least we have a quorum.
one of these days this ending where I say how special you are will be my final time. just replay it in your mind. you are perfect in every way. strong, brilliant and kind. a singular force. and I am lucky to have fallen into your orbit even for a minute.
even for a minute.
this is not a plea for help but goddess knows I need it. this is me telling you I love you.
this is me signing off for a while. not good bye, never that. just fading away.
shhh. I was never real. just a figment of a dream in the mind of an alcoholic sociopath who was never accepted, just excepted.