Broken Watch

Time is the great healer. Or some such bullshit. I did a pull up yesterday and it barely hurt so I think work outs are back on. Thank Goddess. At least I can fall back into the routine of that again. Knee hurts from nailing the steering column. But nothing terrible. 

Kids and BadBadNotGood this weekend. Sounds like a sleepover is probably in the works for Maia and a friend or two. So jazz on Thursday and kids fill this week up. Time with them will make life better.

Maybe the hands of the clock can fix this kerfuffle in my mind as well. I am in this lost place. After last night I need to get my shit together. Write more, create more, figure out a legacy to leave. Embrace life and live the fucking shit out of it. We only get one chance. I thought it was moving in one direction but then everything flipped.

Now it isn’t. Cool. 

Not fucking cool. Not fucking cool at all. 

So I may check out for a bit. Considering going dark for a spell. Recentering and finding my focus. Reprioritize my goals. Business speak. Synergy. Reinvest and reinvent. 

Try and make myself into a person. One that is worth a shit. Worthy of an investment from another. 

Ha.

Going to be this same duder. Far too open, way too trusting and stupid heart on his sleeve. Intense and too much for regular folk to handle. All I know.

This is a knee jerk reaction to depression. Most likely rendered a lie in a couple hours when I have some new thing I need to share. A new thought that propels me into a new state of insanity. Fuck. I don’t know. Deleted the dating apps last week. No urge to shuffle through that world. I have probably already met Miss Right and fucked that whole deal up. Feels like something I would do

So to Miss Right, sorry. I am not sure what happened. I would say I will do better but we both know that is a lie. I’ll assume something amazing lies in store for you and all your dreams will be fulfilled. 

We will chat. Again, probably tonight when the weight of it all becomes too much and I need to vent. But if we don’t for a while it is most definitely not you. You have read this, you know it was all me. Even if it wasn’t, it would be eventually. Saved ourselves some down the road pain. Saved you from it. So it is a win. Never meant to hurt, nor cause pain by proxy. Failed at that as well.

I love you. My sounding board, object of affection and constant companion. My dear reader and friend. You caught a glimpse of my soul and didn’t run. I needed that. Thank you.

To the hearts I bruised and left slightly withered on the vine, I did not mean to. My intent was always one of a connection. You do not expect those to have a shelf life. But they do apparently. It is the reason organically grown lasts less than the shit sprayed with chemicals. Nature is finite, poisons are forever. I have left a great plastic island of misery in the middle of the ocean. Floating forever and killing off the things around it. 

But I keep moving. Like Uncle Sage says,

‘I keep moving, I go from house to house. I stay committed like one foot in, one foot out. I bounce. I’m leaving this place. Divorce papers, falling out my briefcase.’

‘Miss Intuition, the half truth horror. Has her suspicions, lacks proof but wants it. I’ve been practicing grabbing the rope when the knot slips, rewiring my mind to make the firing squad miss.’

‘And while they’re busy reloading, I’m decoding the messages you sent with this key that I keep holding. It’s a copy and the lock seems broken. got me choking on discussions I could not keep open’

He dodged and I dive into. I see his logic. But that is not the same logic a hopeless romantic uses. Just nice to have a goal. 

If you ever need me I am here. or in a place you can find me. Maybe a couple days off from introspection. A vacation. 

You are perfect in every way. A dream come true and any one is lucky to simply to know you. Your presence adds a deliciousness to the dish. You must be special, you know me.

Right? 

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