ReTool

Hi. 

Not gonna lie, I was done with this. Felt like the increasingly circular arguments my mind has been pursuing was too much. Retreading the same things, feeling the same feelings of disappointment, longing, not moving forward.

Talked with a friend about it. He said don’t be a fucking quitter. Another told me she liked knowing someone else deals with the shit no one talks about. Guilt tripping mother fuckers is what they are.

I would say they appealed to my vanity but the self loathing leaves little room for that.

So I came back. Barely. 

Tired of searching for impossible things. Of flailing about like an idiot. I am going inside for now, possibly from now on. The dating angle is dead in the water. A series of false hopes and myself never quite being good enough.

The tagline of my life right there.

I grew a bit in the last couple months. Allowed cracks to form and opened up more than in the last fuck ton of years. 

For naught. 

I want to blame something or someone for this. Have a reason or invisible man in the sky that just enjoys straight fucking me. But like everything, it is either a chemical reaction or doesn’t fucking matter. 

This is on me. 100. I let myself into this. I fell hard. If you are going to do something, commit to it. I did. Flew too high and let the sun melt my wings. I was warned. 

But refrain from the God has a plan shit. if there was a plan i would certainly hope it feeds starving kids, not me find that missing piece. 

I lied earlier this week. Thought the headache was gone. Then up and nearly died. Amazingly, it was not gone again. Fuck me, Right?

So I am pissy. Angry feeling. Quick to snap. Not me. I keep it reigned in but it is boiling just beneath the surface. Better than the mopey shit all week so far.

I was so close. To both sides of the equation. Talking to the perfect match. Now to burning it all down.

So. What’s up with you?

one day we will laugh about it all. kids running around. laughter. love. kisses and cuddles. 

today is not that day. today is for bitter applause and mocking comments. of venom and rage. fang and claw. 

I need to rebuild the flying buttress that forms the outer gate. Recalibrate the defenses. Take off the rose colored lenses and squint into the sun while looking for clues. Write as the castle builds up again.

So bare with me here. Reinvention is not for the weak. I will rant and rave. But may be we will both learn something. I need to grow. Badly. Not just search for things I am clearly not meant to find. That missing part is gone for good. 

It was the first time I saw the look in her eyes and knew it was not good. It was the thirtieth time the hanger hit me. Called a fat piece of shit. The hundredth time I saw tears and was told it is my fault that I get beat. I felt bad for laying on the floor crying because things went bad. I know that like now, back then it was not my fault. Haha.

Doesn’t make me believe it. But I think it changed the shape of the missing part. Made it something that no longer exists. There is nothing that will fill it. Not drink nor drug, sex is a band aid, and love escapes me. It is a nice hole. worn smooth and with neat little scars. It has been my goal to fill it for too long.

Time to embrace it.

This is not a plea, or asking for anything. I came so close to what I dreamt of I know anything else is just a coping mechanism. 

I am gonna tell you about albums. And tell stories from my life. It will be fun. Who needs companionship when you can read the idiot thoughts of a broken man?

Me. Probably. But you do not get you want in this life. You get what you fucking get and deal with it. Or let it crush you. Who fucking knows?

I do still love you, even if I was willing to run away. We both knew I could not do it. You need to know someone cares and feels things. I need to over share the shit I feel. Symbiotic feeding.

Like love except without the good bits.

The second tagline of the story of my life. 

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