they say misery loves company but that is false. so many people I know are at rock bottom right now. people I care about immensely.
I know. I see them.
misery does not love company. I want them gone from my realm. this land of bleak and desolate loneliness is not for you. I am Lord here and I demand you vacate the premise. immediately.
I need a cigarette. may be a strong drink. probably a strong drink. and to be left alone in this fucking pit. I need you guys to be happy and feel good again. I cannot handle you going through this as well.
I need to know things will be okay for someone. it isn’t me. I have accepted my lot in life. you do not have to.
everyone I have talked to lately is down. and I try and pick them up but it rings false even to my ears. but i try and try because god damn it you can escape. I have to believe it. I need this.
I signed up for a study on clinical depression today. figure it can only help make it better for someone someday. god knows I could have used it years ago, before it became a second skin. I don’t know what I would do without it. it completes and defeats me.
I may hate myself but I love my scars. I cannot stand the sight of myself but I swim in this perpetual darkness contentedly. it is all I know.
which is how I know you do not belong here. each of you is perfection. it doesn’t feel that way right now, I know. but you will have to trust me on this.
I don’t deserve the pleasure of being on the same planet as you, do you understand that? I am so far below you on the food chain that i am nearly a different species. a step back in evolution.
so dry your eyes my pretties. this too shall pass and you will dance your way into the sunshine again. it won’t be easy, not even fucking close. this place you are in feels like the walls are closing in, the air is running out and you are feeling fuzzy. but it is fine. it isn’t. it sucks the ass of a bear with incontinence that swallowed a bottle of Tabasco. but this is path we walk at times.
all the time for one of us. but i own it and wear it like Versace. it is mine. not yours so fucking give it back.
please. I cannot watch you suffer any longer from this distance. it is too much. so do it for me. I know I am basically a non-entity but give me this one favor.
each of you has the chance to be more than the sum of all your pain. the total worth of all this life’s failings. they are badges to be worn not reasons to hide.
and know that the fact that you shared it all with me means the world. it does. and I will always be there for you. across state lines, anytime and anywhere. just ask. I told you this a million times and will a million more.
now chin up, these fuckers do not deserve to see pain.
fuck I want that cigarette and tall glass of anything that numbs right now.
part of the fun is never getting what I want. or need. or dream of.
unless it is you walking away with a smile. then it is okay.
love you bunches, miss you as well. now fuck off and let me enjoy this solace in soul rending terror.
I make this shit look good. right?