Morning my sweets
I learned something about myself this morning. Stepped out to take a walk. it felt cool. Not cold, but cool. I have a shaved head. they don’t mix well. So threw on a beanie.
At the second lap I realized I may have misinterpreted cool and chilly. Manned up and kept going. Got inside and it hit me.
I am a Yankee in spirit only now.
50 degrees is not t shirt and shorts walking weather.
I am coming to terms with my new reality. sent out my resume and filled out applications, not quite apply for anything yet. the panic has not set in. so pick and try and choose a good fit.
processing it all. the faces I will not see anymore. the true friends I made.
To my little sisters, Bianca and Canice. I love you both. Bianca, learn from me. I have made every mistake possible. Canice, get that degree and be the biggest and best you possible.
Kyle F, fuck them for beating you down because you are not a fake fuck. Stick with who you are my friend and it will come to you.
Kyle E, never would have imagined we got so close based on an initial conversation and six months of nodding. Thank Goddess. you are the best and we WILL take over the planet.
Denzil, Chris and JJ. I fucking love you guys. the laughs, the times you were there for me at my lowest. The job does not know how awesome you are. but i do.
John, get out while you can. the stress and school and shit is too much. We hit it off and our limited time was a blast.
Squeezy, Manny D, the incomparable Dan. My first bestie in the building. Good luck in the new gig. And with your lovely fiance.
Rudy, Peter, Freddo, Tellez, Julie , Courtney, Nicole, Laura, G and the others I hit up at least once a week and had real talks with. Some of you i never got names for but we talked a ton. It was great.
cereally. you made every day a little better.
the rest, forming an oroboros human centipede so you can suck each other’s assholes and perpetuate an air of cock sucking and burying whoever does not kiss the ring. the fake fucks that act like they accomplish something but only are parasites or lazy cunts coasting.
stop for a second and picture that. it is the problem with the job. the oroboros always eating its own tail. but it is a human centipede. ass to mouth, consuming and taking but never truly giving. you bitch about the job and suck dick all day. crushing those beneath you. not willing to hear opinions that are not your own until you co-opt them as your own. over complicating things with your new and ever changing pushing of the goal posts.
you are the problem. not us.
I am not innocent in any of this. just stating facts so the voiceless have one.
I am in flux. scared, excited and hopeful. I will have everything I want. I will.
I fucking will.
mostly right now that is to know that the ones I give a fuck about are good. too many teary talks yesterday. Chins up. We all have this. All of us.
I am good. You are the best. each person mentioned above is a star that makes the sky in my mind. they shine like diamonds.
Cortney, Valentine, Brad, Rob, so many from other gigs shine with you.
I have been lucky enough to fall into relationships with some of the greatest people ever. smart, funny and just all around awesome. They have probably forgotten me but they always have a place in who I am and will become.
this ignores family and friends from before Tx. you motherfuckers know what a sack of shit I am. significantly smaller sack of shit then some of you may recall. if you recall me at all. I remember you though. and you fucking rule.
if this were my acceptance speech for failure of the year, they were the things I did right.
Courtney, Lizzie, Melanie, Kimberly, Jaycie and all the other ladies I failed over the years. this goes out to you as well. every failure between us has formed the person writing this shit right here.
You are all my scars and almosts. I carry snapshots of you on my tattered and threadbare soul. All those dreams went to scrap heap. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to everyone. I have let you all down in some way.
my secret talent.
another hit on the reset button.
To the next crew that comes into my orbit for whatever amount. I am me bruh. this is it. nothing special, but one day you will help light my sky as well. flickering pinpoints of connection.
and to the very special one, the sun of my cosmos. the balance to Maia and Dax. give me a chance and you will always feel elevated above all others.
fuck me. I am thawed now.
I love you guys. I do. through the worst year in my life you have each been a pillar that supported and kept me from sinking into the mire and I will never forget that. call me and I am there. into perpetuity.
that means forever you silly bunch of bitches.