Swerve

sparse but thickly layered. richly minimalistic.

didgeridoo, oh no you didgerididn’t

I apologize for that but I have had that in my head for eons and had to see what it tasted like.

pickle brine and turpentine moonshine

I am back in that 80s synth, new wave gummi brain vibe

new Beck playing loudly. far too loudly for this headache. It feels like a Wham album.

I like it

I have had a love hate with Beck since 2003. Midnight Vultures was the best Prince album since Diamonds and Pearls and it was Beck’s album. And I fucking love Prince so that means something.

Then he went country tinged. and I liked it. Had tickets to see him with the Flaming Lips as his band. And Dad passed out and nearly died. The same day. I was stoked for the show and the phone rang.

He passed out and couldn’t be woken. Rushed to the hospital, his right lung was no longer functioning and cancer had settled into the left. He smoked two packs of reds a day, and he ripped the filter off them. He also drank over a case a day. He had his issues.

But no one, not a single fucking person, holds a candle to him in my mind. Even with all the bad times he was the greatest man to walk this shitball of a planet. Everyone was richer for knowing him. He made it through the holidays.

I got a last Xmas with him. We made plans for the summer knowing it was never going to happen. We knew that was the last time we would see each other. And we were fucking men about it. False smiles and laughter. I will never forget standing outside the airport and never wanting the moment to end but knowing I had to go before the tears. I did not want to ruin the illusion for either of us

I didn’t. Fuck me, but I stayed strong. wish I hadn’t. wish I had a gun to put to God’s skull and threaten to unload if he didn’t stop being a giant cunt in the sky. but i did my duty for him. proved I was man enough for him to be able to stop being in fucking agony. to be able to finally fucking rest. He deserved it.

I cried the entire flight home. Three hours. Sobbing into my shoulder with my bald head against the freezing window.

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes play Nothing Compares 2 U (it comes back to Prince) and I cannot listen to it to this day without feeling that ball of overwhelming sorrow fill the back of my throat. YouTube it and see what makes a bitch cry

I am waiting, go ahead. have a soundtrack to this mush in my mind.

that got dark fast

New Beck is pretty great. I love Prince. Unresolved issues with my daddy dying. This album does not make me think about losing my idol, so there is that at least

Eat a bag of dicks

two days without sleep and this head pain makes me want to rest my head on my imaginary girlfriend’s lap and wish the world away.

I guess the music is good if it took me here. sometimes it feels like old Beck, the song Wow especially. And that loosens the chokehold of sadness briefly. Very fucking briefly.

sorry for the downer. I really have no idea where they are gonna go. stream of consciousness sucks for the depressed.

misery loves company and I am so very lonely.

love and miss you my dearest. for always.

One thought on “Swerve

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