41 Deaths, a farewell

I die tonight

another year burned to ash, a new me to rise and suffer and struggle in the mess the old me left behind

another notch that signifies how much closer to death I am and still all alone

am I in crisis, falling apart, feeling the icy claws of death approaching from the thinning veil between life and death, wondering which of the many mistakes was the one that set this into perpetual motion

a notion

a discussion based on part fact, part gut instinct and mostly made up conjecture


called to heaven to lead the host into song about the glory of God, my solo chance to shine like a million diamonds expounding upon the virtues of someone I never had a chance to fall into belief with

not even a fleeting wink and nod

another year spent, another dream bent, broken and discarded, set on the curb for early morning pick up but no one wants to bend over and pick it up

in love and unloved, prized and despised, decomposing my magnum opus on the three seconds between orgasm and death

uno, dos, tres

un deux trois

a flash and blackness, instantly fresh to rot

a science film in reverse, the beauty of death into life, peace to screaming at the moment the warm confines of the womb go poof


another candle another cake another deep breath and smile faked

empty Facebook wishes by the score

if you weren’t reminded it would just be another day to you like it is to me

I want to wake up and for her to be waiting for me, cuddles and snuggled and held until it is over

but she will be depression not the loving embrace of the her intended

unrequited, misrecited and spilled out onto the canvas and left to be dissected by aliens as if it means anything

it means nothing

all I want is her heart, lips and soul, to inhale every bit of her being and have her travel through my veins like heroin 

you get what you deserve out of life and if the empty room is any indication I am getting everything owed to me

I want her I have nothing and the future looks pretty clear that shit won’t change

so I go to my death, awaking an older version of me, I hope he isn’t like me

I hope he is better in ways I could never dream, I hope he tells her the truth and convinces her

he will be as ineffectual as me and will burn hard and fail, a pathetic phoenix stuck in his own ashes and unable to fly

he will be beautiful and sing like an angel and die alone in 365 days

happy death day to me, happy death day to me, hope you choke on your failures, happy death day to me

help me, I love you and need you

good bye

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