howdy ho buckaroos
black shirt, silver bowtie. Mad pimpin today. look like a server at an over priced yet underwhelming restaurant.
Feel about the same.
Went back to a place I have sealed off for years. A place no one has access to but me. One only three people have known about in the last fuck ton of years and one of them isn’t talking to anyone.
It is my dark place and is not for for human consumption. And it made me a liar. A couple times. Most recently when I wrote a long post about it and then realized I did not want it to breathe.
I deleted a post. Broke the covenant between us. I apologize. But it is not something I want to discuss and a moment of weakness does not excuse that. it does not mean I love you any less, it just means back off. Or ask me directly. I will probably not answer but at least we tried.
I’m sorry. For so many things. But not how I feel or the things I say.
Anyway. Magnesium is supposed to cure my head. Doubtful but willing to try anything at this point. it has been since Thursday and I need a moments respite.
Today has been brought to me by lingering doubts, colossal failures and an inability to affect change in the smallest ways. And Kay the Aquanaut and his album 7 Vessels. And the letters f, u, c, k, m and e.
in the words of Method Man, my favorite letter is f y’all.
rowing and rowing towards the end of the world as we know it.
So anywho. My conscience bothered me for deleting. I wanted to explain why I did the thing you didn’t know I did. because that is who I am. This all could have been avoided at the expense of reliving the worst thing in my life so far. And I have all day.
I suffered for my scars. No one ever took the hit for me. I never asked for a fucking thing from anyone.
I live this Truman Show-esque existence where everyone has a window into my brain and knows my every thought. My every fear and hope. I do it so you can have a smile or frown or question something during the day. I do it so you don’t have to.
I bare myself. I ask for nothing in return except for you to be entertained. Love you.