went to bed tired but fought to fall asleep, woke up feeling like i was beaten

and not in the good way

actually went to bed, try and be normal for the kids

as normal as possible

maia asked me yesterday if i have given up

given up i carefully repeated

on having a life, it’s been a year

i didn’t correct her, didn’t tell her my year and a day ended two weeks ago

and then committed the cardinal sin, i lied to her, said of course not

we were in the car and i had no escape so i calmly turned up the music

saw right through my bluff

may have mentioned my poker skills are lacking, too much time yelling truth has made my tongue unused to the taste of lies

except when i tell myself it is going to be okay

or when i feel that spark and softly blow on it, try to nurture the flames, knowing it is destined to blow out, a wisp of smoke rising

a warning

like a beacon, drawing eyes to the incredible empty bearded man, the freak show event of the century, five dollars to see the leper prince

the human cancer, distiller of spirits, rotten tomato target, weaver of tales, self aware mirror image, living jigsaw puzzle

i told her we are onions, layer upon layer, hiding our inner truth

it was just vague enough to change the subject, just real enough to cover the lie

woke up more tired huddled against the wall in bed

a moment of panic as i didn’t know where i was

five more minutes

wrote this instead

is that normal