agony in absentia

when this malaise this bonerot this thorn of ivory driven through the pupil of hope this whipping winds of salt upon bare nerves when the chemicals malfunction a blight covers the landscape within the sepulchre inside the still chest of the parakeet caged in those brief moments of busy when the shackles slip for a […]

to Ms. Plath, with love and understanding

if beauty were perfectly transcribed from ideal into the soul of one person ms plath was this personification but to balance the wonder she could pull from the aether there must be a profound sadness to keep the scales afloat it is in the heart of this sorrow that ms plath did the unthinkable it […]

fruitful and futile

the worst part of deep depression is the images it compels every smile every moment every memory is so clear it cuts with razor edges fruitful and futile in the same jagged instant forcing the blood to mix with the ink as the quill carves through the page to slice directly into the fragmentary soul […]

a series of un

he sits fork scraping pushing his dinner around the plate unable to will the fork to lift unable to taste the meal songs play softly but they are a chorus of discordant buzzing a book lays untouched the words simply swim on the page he tell himself he has to keep moving or he will […]

mouthing prayers

maybe it is the smoke in my lungs the willie album playing low or the deep down soul weary loneliness that tickles my deadened limbs but the world feels off centered just enough that i am having issues telling what is and what is most certainly not real in this prison of mental construction of […]

feat

depression feels supercilious yet never once does her breathy whisper seem superfluous. it’s quite the feat.

divine combustion

the moon looks like the crescents of blood pooling in my palms as anxiety clenches my hand in her loving embrace the angelic host sings hallelujah as the spots grow to encompass my vision like celluloid burning in frames of divine combustion

end of the year blues

call it the end of the year blues that subtle breaking the christmas woes where you plaster on a smile as it feels like everything is f a l l i n g a p a r t alone in a crowded room afraid of smiling faces prone to tears at the drop of a […]

bubbles

i long for the tears to fall unfettered down scruffy cheeks to feel the bubble deep inside pop maybe find just a few moments of peace from this constant state of constantly stating that every single thing is fine living on the edge of a mental break emotionally unavailable to one’s self when emotional immaturity […]

of mummification and bone trumpets

the ancient egyptians would lovingly remove the internal organs fill the cavity of the corpse with dried flowers a hooked tool entered the nose to extract the brain then with attention to detail they would wrap the body in preparation for the afterlife in the duat a year ago i hit the lowest point of […]

heavy handed

my life feels like the lyrics to a tom waits album left in the garbage bin because it was too hard to relate to just the memory of his rasping voice calling out to the gutters where the drippings of famine and family once supped a punk rock version of cardstock with safety pinned pinings […]

seeking definition (spiraling)

he sits alone in flickering candlelight carving every name he has known into the soft pink flesh with a cheap pocket knife across his ribs his chest his arms his legs red angry letters spelled out poet father failure dreamer lover loser liar every drop of blood every tear shed added to the anguish yet […]

seasonal

he whispers to himself it is just seasonal but the goddamned season has lasted his entire life he mutters to himself it is the story cracking down on his already weary framed of mein this isn’t all it’s built up into yet somehow it is still more than can be accepted by a fractured soul […]

outside the door

feeling that feeling that sleepy sliding feeling that need to hide to disappear to become a myth of a rumor anxious energetically tiredly manic lost in the ever spinning arm of spiralling hopelessness as the world pisses cold rain on the dirty concrete right outside the door

texas rain

it’s raining in texas this time of year is always tough but when it is raining in texas on a cool autumn night it seems worse somehow so now it’s raining in texas as he sits with face pressed against the cold pane of glass somehow it is worse somehow it’s worse homesick for a […]

glued

he superglued his fingers together while trying to superglue his heart the poor fool listens to the rain as sleep sits just out of reach

is(n’t)

the thing about depression that normal people don’t get is it isn’t sadness it is but it is not as well it comes to give kisses when you are happy draping you in too hot hugs bringing the world into it’s control it is a lack of motivation an inability to act on basic human […]

(un)titled depression

i had the oil to keep the beast at bay but rent rendered that purchase null and void so welcome back my friend the silence is to your liking yes the emptiness your domain the sweet sorrow falls beneath your dominion swaddle me in your itch hold me with the cold dead truth did you […]

funeral parade

like a funeral shroud has been draped over happiness the light snuffed the moth burned to a cinder in fleeting hopes of home surrounded by faces that seem indistinct undefined all i feel is a pebble in my shoe i cannot shake loose the depression lays her itchy love across my weary mind it seems […]

ode to summer

at the burgeoning cusp of summer sits the raven on a bed of rose petals feverishly guarding the bright days with beak and talon at the ready to swipe spring dies a cancerous death falling away into burning misery for one alone the raven cares not for sentimentality it seeks to fly to fuck to […]

it’s not you

my depression has become the jilted lover scowling as it drives by at one in the morning looking for another car in the driveway ready to slash the tires of that damned charlatan that dares try and steal her man she sends messages during the night asking how i am have i watched fury road […]

welcome home

hello darkness my old friend come in, it’s been a while, make yourself at home wine? hungry? no of course not was i flying too close to the sun could you sense that i was not under your control the last couple weeks you need me miss me if i didn’t know better i would […]

haven and haven’t

wretched rejection of rancid affection, the regression of oppression, a lesson in lesions, depression is draped over shoulders sore from steady sobbing, robbing the day of light, a blank slate, work down by the elemental discourse of disconnected disease deemed dire and dreary the light filters through yon fog to signal false hope springing infernal, […]

one day(at a lie)

he sits head in hands as the tribulations of another day spent in the too hot, too cold embrace of depression how do you continue to walk among the living knowing that all you have is rot inside how do you continue this facade of being part of society when that same society is as […]

maybe hank was right

the goddamned neighbor’s dog is yipping and clawing at the door because i made the mistake of taking out the garbage and alerting it to the presence of life outside it’s domain the lady down the hall called me meester mike and handed me a plate of tamales ever since i fell from a tree […]

all night

it was the sillohuette of a raven perched just outside my bedroom window i could feel the beady eyes, intelligent, far more so than any animal has the right to be, staring, judging through the dusty pane of glass my arms were behind my head under the pillow light flickered and danced across the ceiling […]

heard

some people crave attention to keep the demons at bay, company to quiet the voices inside their heads, drown the sorrows me i just scribble them down, give them free reign, let them scream, gnash at the carpet, smear their filth on the walls depression frolics, prances about, rearing it’s ugly head and mugging for […]

picture book

she has read my entire story, thumbed my pages while writing thoughts into the margins, trying to highlight the underdeveloped good points the spine is cracked on this tale of woe, it is a story old as time, boy is born, is beaten, is broken, is left to his own literary devices as he stumbles […]

mess(age)

woke up to an alert got excited a new message hoping it was a dream but life prefers to spit out nightmares i know this deep down that hope is a chemical spray a deterrent a crux in which to hang oneself so when it was the face of a former flame staring at me […]

calendar pt I

(january) an ex was born this month, a mistake that led to two perfectly carved diamonds frozen broken huddled in a ball ripped and torn spikes of ice ragged wounds crimson ice (february) my father was born this month, flawed and brilliant, my hero despite my own actions shortness of breath wheezing spots in my […]

black and lilac

it was a dream i know it was a dream the kind of dream you don’t want to tell people about the kind that stays with you the kind that fades and fades all day but there is a sliver that eats at the back of your head that grinds down on you it was […]

run-on

the ache in his chest throbbed in ever increasing waves of intensity each breath took more effort than the last he wanted it to stop he did not care if it was the pain or the breathing that stopped as long as one of them ceased being it all played on a constant loop in […]

hol(low)

she feels hollow oh, how he understands it is not the pain that kills it is the emptiness the lack of release the ice cold grip of the void so much better to be a canvas coated with agony than blank left to rot in the attic a slow demise suffocation in an inch of […]

reasons

on each of my wrists i have my kids signatures from when they were six tattooed because in this entire universe they are my reason but there is a secret i could have tattooed them anywhere but i put them on my wrists because i would never hurt them so when the urge to do […]

lime(rick)

there once was a man with depression a sorrowful smile his only expression with anxiety good feelings stay in check he sits with cold hands round his neck wanting release is his favorite obsession

lower

there is always lower when you hit the bottom when all hope is lost when your dreams crumble around you it can always get worse somehow so chin up you’ve barely hit rock bottom, my friend that reminds me of a penthouse estate at this point hope i don’t see you soon

make love not punishment

allow me to reiterate, the simple lies you regurgitate, the self worth you seek to inflate, in time your truth will slowly disintegrate once upon a time i fell into the net you cast, an innocent beguiled and captured, ate all you fed me and hungered for more empty calories made me fat with no […]

real

falling it is falling in slow motion through infinite black there is a light growing farther away above a speck of white in the endless darkness it is a race between terror induced heart attack or complete mental breakdown all that is sure the faint dot of light is becoming a memory a falsehood all […]

caramel

her depression tastes like caramel on her lips salted by the stray tear on her cheek when she is sad all i want is to hold her close squeeze until that sorrow infuses me instead yet i taste the caramel on her lips the sticky mess of intangible agony that is her depression longing for […]

another one (drowning)

sinus pressure cluster headache brain infection mental infraction dove into the greenish swirl pain reliever slash sleep enforcer slash truth inducer slash thought refuser now i sit weak and weary wishing i could just think clearly dreams of you run through the fog clock hands twitching broken gear and cog(tickticktick) i am drowning in a […]

deep down at the bottom

blame my impatience in my utter disdain for the person i was to the one that i am to who i want to be in the not so distant future how do i wait for the next evolution when every bitter tear falling is tainted by lies i desperately need to believe it isn’t as […]

(un)titled thought LVIII

if there was one thing that had fought against the depression that smothers me so it was you. but then you showed just how little i meant to you as well. i was little more than a distraction. easily disposed. not that it matters we both knew it was so even if we were too […]

dripping

drip drip it was a strange noise that woke me far too early a rather ringing sort of drip drip i tried to ignore it so tired always so tired drip drip so i stumbled from dream into underwater kitchen felt the water hit my head from the light above goddess knows i may have […]

wool

the depression is like a wool blanket gently tucking me in for six more weeks of sadness six more weeks times six more weeks times a lifetime of fighting against the silken cuffs tired of fighting tired of not just tired you were a lighthouse in the mist and fog yet you chose to extinguish […]

(un)titled change

been trying to shed my skin to molt to release the detritus of daily confinement standing in the freezing rain in hopes it soothes the savage ache inside the monotone cavern where the coal that used to be a muscle resides pickaxes and blowtorches mining for the remnants of dream cutting edge technological retractions used […]

1/2/2019

the crushing weight of depression has been dangling from my neck like an anchor lately it’s been a week at least since i have felt like being an active participant in my own play but the tendrils of mania seem to be beckoning again i can make out the faint song of the words whispering […]

pollut(i)on

one day into the new year all i feel are the same scars the same wounds the same longings the exact same fucking emptiness of the years prior the only thing new is the calendar so pardon me if my festive new outlook is clouded by the same dreary depression as before i cannot be […]

(un)titled farewell

i don’t know what tomorrow holds, but i know it isn’t hope, this feeling that stirs in my guts, like a swarm of angry hornets, stinging nettles and broken spirit i have a sickness, a cancer, a life defying tumor, tar black where there once was light my friends are gone, my dreams are gone, […]

d(r)own(i)ng

one year gone kept myself locked away hidden from the things i craved a junkie in remission rehab relapse reserved removed reborn reheated recycled realized gone astray in the blinding light of the morning after was it fear punishment self flagellation kneeling at the pulpit of false desires so long that reality and fiction became […]

drea(me)r

i don’t know what is happening anymore. when i write i slip into my persona non grata my alter ego the fool. in the real world i am a stain black mold the fungus among us. a ball of withered depression. the fool though he wants more from life. he dreams of love from the […]

looplooplooplooploop

I have had things to do for days and i keep making excuses not to do them to put them off until tomorrow i get dressed then find a find a reason no matter how vague or pathetic and i don’t then i sit with a two ton weight wrapped around my midsection constricting my […]

expiration date

hard to tell if the illness is viral bacterial or depression based in origin hard to care hacking wheezing glands swollen cold radiating in waves as sweat pours head pain hard to swallow she screams in the night of love unanswered unrequited odes never given voice just softly murmured not ignored just left unspoken to […]

(un)titled sorrow X

the depression is a weighted blanket the last few days or i am waking up at the bottom of an oceanic trench either way i am drowning in it it has lacked the manic up swing without the balance i am struggling mightily the dark thoughts are now dreams in these i yearn for reality […]

(un)titled loss III

depression rests it’s silky smooth wings over my cerebellum it slides it’s fangs into the opioid receptors and feasts a feast of famine for a moment brief yet prolonged it feels like the lips of the love you long to kiss so desperately in your dreams come true then a cold oily sense of discontent […]

man(i)c

the best part about being mentally unstable is the manic episodes the rest pretty much blows but when you can harness it it isn’t so bad

abandon

my poem about men being monsters and women laying eggs got me a seven day ban on facebook i saw that and wondered why the day would begin this way then i got an email from my daughter an email i wondered ah they shut my phone off again depression loves little itching my negative […]

differing states

one day i made the decision to move to texas realizing one state of depression looks the same as any other from the bottom of the barrel one day i will leave texas and be depressed somewhere new

plunge

the cyclical cycle of madness has taken the plunge from manic mayhem to insatiable sorrow fixated on the ugliness time to take a siesta unplug cannot tell if this is the post creative refractory period or if this is the entering of my blue period keep your hands and legs inside the car prepare for […]

gnaw

i am nearly sure i didn’t do anything wrong but my anxiety tells a different tale so i will just gnaw on the edges of my brain and fret that is normal right?

to depression, shut up

depression is giving me the silent treatment lately oh she still clings to me and weighs down my normal, is my normal but she is mad i don’t talk about her as much as i used to i think she is jealous just another her thinking she is the her that fills my heart and […]

good enough

you are beautiful as i float along this gentle winding river of shattered dreams and fluttering moths of yesterday gathering the pieces i’ve so carelessly let go over time pieces of me of you of strangers glittering little baubles of broken hearts and souls well wishes and wandering eyes as the words fall in fat […]

i

am a light bulb swinging in a dark basement, the filament is tenuous and the next flip of the switch, surge of voltage could be the last, glowing a burnt sienna when once it was white hot illumination a festering wound filled with maggots that no matter how ravenous can not eat the spoil away […]

it’s not love but it’s all i have

she has the most wonderful singing voice, as she hums softly in my ear, she loves me deeper than anyone else could ever hope to she wakes me in the morning with a with a deep kiss, it reaches through my lips, down my spine, lighting every nerve on fire, curling my toes in pure […]

phases

there are three phases to me, like i am a power conduit slapping in a mud puddle, angrily lashing out invisibly to a world that forgot i was here the first phase the best phase is beauty in everything, a sublime feeling of synchronicity, all has a purpose and falls into place the second phase […]

surfing

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package not even sure the television is on been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression, it is so sad, daydreaming that he sits on the couch smoking weed all day, he writes nonsense and yearns to drink himself to sleep, he is teetering at […]

the deep throes of mania

i fear i’ve opened a vein a vain, a vane, a vein vanity, venial, verity, verify sitting in a rickety car at the top of a steep incline wooden slats, metal seats, a rusty safety harness the operator smiles up at me his one tooth gleaming in the moonlight as he prepares to pull the […]

tu vas me manquer

allow me my honesty stepping out methodically it’s just the beast in me cut off from reality awash with insanity a past of poverty flash frozen rigidity of what is and what will never be trying to sell my soul for recreational use, the wear and tear and all the abuse, the setting sun seems […]

glacier

i don’t care anymore she is a myth, a manifestation of my sorrow and loneliness she can fuck right off along with the rest of the world checking out stop the ride i want off i’m sorry but i’m not just done with it all thanks for all the nothing trapped within a glacier of […]

drunken depressive sonnet

an eagle up high, majesty in flight me, a mouse huddled in the thick tall bush the setting sun, purple accents of night at the edge of a cliff, fearing the push the rain falls, thick wet drops, hitting, splashing the sky spits it’s rage, of thunder, anger roaring and booming, lightning is flashing illuminate […]

chances

The water in the tub was warm, just shy of hot. It offset the numbing cold of the blood rushing down my arms. I tried to shut the water off but apparently had gone too deep and severed a couple tendons. It didn’t really matter. Wouldn’t be my mess to clean up. Probably for the […]

drifting deeper

feeling erratic and circling the drain scrapped one hundred and twenty pages to start all over kaada and patton bacteria cult on repeat strings and gentle humming fill the room as words flow like blood from an open vein soothing the savagery of tearing apart a tale and building with the entrails making messes in […]

955

the words these goddamned odes to the only lady that sees me for me the grand dame depression every morning my eyes open and she whispers hello and holds me close and i hate her so much but she’s all i have the world is so empty and every time i see a light it […]

haiku of sadness

it is summer here yet it is winter in me the seasons at war my mind in turmoil sad for no reason at all help quiet the noise just filled with aching broken by the gears of life just fucking stop it the whispering screams seductive as it calls out leaving only tears

depression tanka

twice damn you sorrow depression holds my black heart squeezing like a hug taking all that is happy and filling it with sweet doubt curse you for this pain bottomless flows of sadness damn you bitterness leave me alone for one day find a new joy to smother i already know the depths of your […]

i’m flotsam, she’s the ocean

she’s got a hold of me this morning anxiety the bottom rung of depression pouring in through cracks in the dam so hastily assembled like the little boy with his finger in the dike and just as imaginary as flawlessly recreated and flawed to fail spectacularly as the feeling of dread washes over me uncertainty […]

farewell, i fade away

what is it that you saw when you stared into my eyes was it hope or forever or just another lie i feel like an empty package just barely making it by beaten up in transit discarded like an ode to pomp and style how i wanted it to be you just you and how […]

come in and lie down

they built suicide pods that look like tanning beds for all the advances in medication the one treatment they always tend to forget is for the incorrigible symptom of living pay the fee press the button go to sleep commerce boiled down to it’s finest point you get what you pay for even if it […]

puppet king

a response to AL i’m in control this mantra i repeat to myself all day over and over again as the urge to retreat to hide in my darkened cave overwhelms i’m in control as the waves batter my psyche as the the levees holding the tears at bay buckle and creak i’m in control […]

manic

falling down the effevescent sphincter of life, broken glass and razor blades, another manic episode of america’s spiralling into depression gargling molten lava, screaming soundlessly into the void that is hope patently insane, insatiably sanctimonious, begging for help and feeling the cold restrain of emptiness empty, alone, asking god for help and hearing the echoed […]

apart a part

the onyx velvet dappled with diamonds above me, the orange of the dashboard lights, the calming sound of hardcore punk followed by japanese synth jazz, cyber punk and serene, methodically mythological missives floating in the air around my head the smell of grease and salt, golden arches a blur as i speed by, the overloud […]

hushed tones

the silence is palpable, thick and oily and coating everything been throwing plates against the wall, bowls, you name it and they rebound with nary a sound i place my ear to the wall, like tonto would place his to the ground, and feel for vibrations i sense life moving through the wall the lucky […]

vicariously

my tank is empty today unless a screaming banshee if a head ache counts if so i’m full to overloaded stressed and depressed roaming alone everyone i know is either ecstatic or drowning the drowning far outnumber the happy use our hands to dance across the placid surface of the lake we the forgotten doomed […]

oxymoron

happy endings are oxy morons, endings being inherently melancholy things even when a tale ends happily it is sad to let go of the world and characters that illicit those happy feelings bittersweet endings i can see happy not so much and i can’t think of a single ending in my life that was truly […]

true story time

one time, years ago at this point, i was alone at the bar, a pint of guinness and a shot of whiskey sat in front of me, the dark grain of the bar, combined with the thick lacquer reflecting the neon signs dimly back at me insert generic 70s song in the background, fading into […]

duat

much to my dismay my eyes opened again this morning it has been weeks of this grainy black and white superlative existence the crackle of film as it rotates through the projector no one here speaks a tongue i can form not that i don’t understand the language per se it is that they speak […]

staycation

ladies and gentlemen thanks for stopping by the manic word depot the poet illterate is taking a much needed vacation he won an all expenses paid one way ticket to rock bottom a much needed relaxing trip in the bubbling pits of doubt and sorrow you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay […]