sitting by the road not wanting to run away

as i walked around saying good bye to my life, meager belongings for a week or two or six packed in front of me

drake, my dragon fern is indifferent

the ceiling doesn’t care if it gets stared at, it is aloof and believes it is a floor for the apartment above

dual natured and clinging only to one

i’m sitting by the road

bags packed on my lap

looking like the hitchhiker you don’t want to pick up

dreading leaving

dreading staying

just filled with dread and head pain and already ready for it all to be over or started

people staring at the runaway

thinking i’m too old to join the circus, to young to have dementia, to ugly to go to hollywood

i’m not

i could shovel lion shit, or the cumulative concussions could finally take hold, or

probably write about hollywood

and all i want is proof god or goddess or talking squirrel or something more exists and hears my pleas

and all i want if proof she exists and somewhere right now she is cocking her head towards dallas and smiling

and all i want is the stuff that won’t come true

a cure for this headache

a cancellation of this flight

to be more than this quivering bowl of existential dread waiting by the road

sad because he’ll miss his plant and his life and his home and bed and his fan and his safe place

and mostly those two perfect pieces of an imperfect life

soon it’ll be a new ceiling to stare at in a new town in a new time zone in a place too far from here

it’ll be new people to be forced to talk to, new places to hang my head in shame

same misery new zip code

just more prevalent

itchier and rubbing me raw in new ways

and i’m fighting running back inside and calling the whole thing off, selling a kidney or three in the black market

i’m not great at biology but a human can live without most internal organs i think

most of the time they just feel like they are grinding glass up anyway

no

i’ll sit and wait for my ride

and write far too much as my stomach gurgles and bank account laughs at petty things like starvation

i’ve got this

2 thoughts on “sitting by the road not wanting to run away

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