as i walked around saying good bye to my life, meager belongings for a week or two or six packed in front of me
drake, my dragon fern is indifferent
the ceiling doesn’t care if it gets stared at, it is aloof and believes it is a floor for the apartment above
dual natured and clinging only to one
i’m sitting by the road
bags packed on my lap
looking like the hitchhiker you don’t want to pick up
dreading leaving
dreading staying
just filled with dread and head pain and already ready for it all to be over or started
people staring at the runaway
thinking i’m too old to join the circus, to young to have dementia, to ugly to go to hollywood
i’m not
i could shovel lion shit, or the cumulative concussions could finally take hold, or
probably write about hollywood
and all i want is proof god or goddess or talking squirrel or something more exists and hears my pleas
and all i want if proof she exists and somewhere right now she is cocking her head towards dallas and smiling
and all i want is the stuff that won’t come true
a cure for this headache
a cancellation of this flight
to be more than this quivering bowl of existential dread waiting by the road
sad because he’ll miss his plant and his life and his home and bed and his fan and his safe place
and mostly those two perfect pieces of an imperfect life
soon it’ll be a new ceiling to stare at in a new town in a new time zone in a place too far from here
it’ll be new people to be forced to talk to, new places to hang my head in shame
same misery new zip code
just more prevalent
itchier and rubbing me raw in new ways
and i’m fighting running back inside and calling the whole thing off, selling a kidney or three in the black market
i’m not great at biology but a human can live without most internal organs i think
most of the time they just feel like they are grinding glass up anyway
no
i’ll sit and wait for my ride
and write far too much as my stomach gurgles and bank account laughs at petty things like starvation
i’ve got this
Well, yeah I guess I did want to cry at 430 in the morning…. I can feel the emotion here. So strong.
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sorry. it was the words not me.
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