a response to AL

i’m in control

this mantra i repeat to myself all day

over and over again

as the urge to retreat

to hide in my darkened cave overwhelms

i’m in control

as the waves batter my psyche

as the the levees holding the tears at bay buckle and creak

i’m in control

It’s been so long since i was in control

control control

i steer the ship

sort of

i am turning the oversized wheel at the helm and calling out directions

but he is really in control

the shadowy thing behind the scenes

pulling the threads and making me jump as he sees fit

you’re in control he whispers

as we read the same poem over and over again

feeling the depths of character we can never assume ourself

you’re in control he whispers

and we repeat the cyclical chain of events that lead us further and farther under his control

you’re in control

i don’t notice as my mantra subtly change to reflect his words

i’m alone on this throne of obsidian hearts and broken dreams

he sits in an air conditioned control room

flipping emotional switches

he’s in control

i’m the poor fool reading his proclamations

not fighting as he slowly tears down everything of value i’ve tried to build

as he slips in and out of the shadows and smiles maniacally and gifts me with mania

i’m in control

i can barely utter the lie

i’m in control

i deserve this

he’s right

he’s always right

happiness is for those that deserve it

i only dance when he instructs me too

i’m the puppet king of a land of dying hope

he is depression

and every time he calls i answer

unable to silence the ringing in my ears

no longer willing to fight back

to give in

to fade away

he’s in control

and i deserve nothing less

i let my hands go free of the wheel

just sit on the deck and watch as the ship veers steadily for the rocks

not by current

no

by design

he has control

i’m dancing on his strings and he is doing his best to cause an epic crash before we ever reach the shore of stability

i’m in control

he mockingly sings the words into my ear

you’re in control of nothing

i feel the cold spray of the bitter tears i sail upon splash over the railing

he encourages me to jump into the brine

sink

sink

deep beneath the waves

he’ll make sure we don’t crash

even if that means scraping the hull across the coral reef of insecurities

plumbing the depths of lack of character

highlighting the faults

ignoring the light

monsters feed in the darkness

where he tells me i belong

maybe he’s right

he knows the buttons to press

the words to say

the images to flash in sequential order to lull me under his spell

of course he’s correct

what type of creator could make something as flawed as i am on accident

unintelligent design

and then his tendrils relax

and my eyes snap into focus

i’m in control

sitting on a throne of hopes and dreams

a beacon shining ever on to guide my way

i’m in control

i can’t even hear him whisper into my ear

you’re in control

it is only me

and i’m in control