the deep throes of mania

i fear i’ve opened a vein

a vain, a vane, a vein

vanity, venial, verity, verify

sitting in a rickety car at the top of a steep incline

wooden slats, metal seats, a rusty safety harness

the operator smiles up at me

his one tooth gleaming in the moonlight as he prepares to pull the lever

my screams muted by the clanking mechanisms

stomach in a lurch

rapidly approaching terminal velocity

mind reflecting on poor decisions

on jagged incisions

swaying side to side in the vomit inducing loops and swirls of her handwriting

a vision of angrily squinted eyes

her lips nearly white as she clenches her jaw

and there i am

plummeting to the earth

an oblong object of mass devotion

pondering the meaning of forever as it applies to fleeting moments of indiscretion

a frame by frame replay of my greatest failures

my greatest failings

tied to the same tracks i fly down

and still the images race by

even as the lone cart severs my body

as the words spill from blood flecked gums

cutting like razors across my tongue

an endless rush

a torrent

my entire bibliography in footnotes carved into the metal tracks

the wheels squeal from overheated bearings

can’t get my bearings

the incomprehensible heaviness of the vessel i have become

i fear i’ve opened a vein in my vain attempt to silence the weather vane that spins on the chapel peak

and as these words pour forth unbidden by broken teeth forced through succulent lips

it isn’t over

not by a longshot

and still the ball cap wearing man shovels another wad of tobacco into his cheek and refuses to engage the brake

i just need a second to unwind

to rewind the tape

to fix the inconsistencies of the playback

to silence the thunderous herds of words shaking the plains of my battered brain

let me sit out this next run

catch my breath

my lungs burn

there’s something in my eye

a stitch in my side

cramping in my calves

i fear i’ve opened a vein

i fear

cauterize the wound

rub some dirt on it

i’m fine

it’s fine

it’s all fine and dandy

i’ll be fine

i’m good

it’s all good

just a momentary mania

an aboration

an abhorrent incidental

nothing

it’s nothing

i’m nothing

it’s fine

it’s not

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