depression is giving me the silent treatment lately

oh she still clings to me and weighs down my normal, is my normal

but she is mad i don’t talk about her as much as i used to

i think she is jealous

just another her thinking she is the her that fills my heart and fools my heart

what more can i give her

she controls my day to day

do i go to that party tonight

no, she whispers, stay in and write

so i do

but if it isn’t about her she rebels and really grinds down upon me

and not in the good way

no

she makes me doubt everything and if something seems too be good to be true she encourages me to over analyze it until it is too good to be true

even if it was attainable

she makes it not

and she is my everything that leaves me nothing, she is my longest relationship and the one i cannot figure out how to leave

so here

an ode to you feeling of never being good enough, of never being enough

for making me sit and wonder if any of this is worth anything at all

i hate you

i love you

i need you

because i don’t know what i am without you, can’t remember being without you, will anyone ever hold me as closely as you

no

so take this burnt offering and sulk

let me drown you with drink and sit in silence for ten minutes

you’ve taken all and given nothing

this is yours

now leave me the fuck alone for the weekend

i won’t do anything either of us will regret

i won’t do anything at all

because i can’t

not without you

shit

the differences between suicide notes and love letters is negligible

a poem to depression or to love

who can tell

i love you

i hate her

my muse asked me if maybe i had never loved before

and i wanted to answer her of course i had

but i didn’t

because i couldn’t, not with certainty

and depression just cackled in the corner