i was on acid

standing in the gas station, the flourescent lights beating down with the force of a thousand suns

i went in to get a pack of smokes

the acid had taken hold of my mind

i was never one for filtering my thoughts without altering the broken thing

i was raving about not worrying about cancer from the death nails since they were trying to flash cook me

i had gathered a crowd and played to them

overly dramatic profanity laced speech had the lady behind the counter in tears

the tequila and weed probably didn’t help

my sister was in the car watching with her mouth open and wonder in her dialated pupils

we were both tripping pretty intensely

it was all intense

this was the third time i had hung out with her, the second with acid

the first was wizard of oz and dark side of the moon, the lunatic was on the grass

i wasn’t able to handle the newness of having a sister i had known existed since i was five but didn’t meet until i was twenty something

i think she being put up for adoption was why my father drank and my mother beat

i was the one they kept

she was the one they lost

and i needed drugs to handle being close to her because she was just like mom and looked like dad and felt like a stranger i always knew

so i put on a performance in a gas station as she sat in the car watching

she needed to see the crazy without having to see the crazy too closely

i needed to relax

we were in a bar when the drugs took effect

playing darts and drinking

smoking too much in the car ride

i was pissed the acid hadn’t kicked in yet

i got my times mixed up, this was the first trip, the second happened later, there were admittedly a lot of drugs at this period, a lot of things i was running from, a lot of a lot

my drug of choice being more

so i am at the board, removing the darts, and as i do i realize two things

one

the darts pierced the fabric of reality and in the tiny space they left was a window to eternity

two

i knew it was impossible, i worked on the same exact dart boards and knew behind the tiny plastic segments was an overlay of contacts, the dart impact made connection with the overlay and signalled the points scored

turns out there was a three

everyone in the bar was staring at me staring into the dart baord and justify the schroedinger’s dart theory of infinty and nothing

it had been fifteen minutes before her boyfriend grabbed me

i was not handling this new sensation with the grace and whimsical nature of a seasoned veteran

i was losing the war on drugs

i bowed to my adoring masses in the bar much as i would soon bow to my truly adoring crowd at the gas station

we went and saw a hair metal band at another crummy bar

a vanilla vodka and coke tasted too much like buttery smoothness to be drank

and these ladies were weirding me out by rubbing my head and calling me sweetie

my sister and i chilled together on the couch that night

talked serious for the first time

bonded

and then the japanese man pulling the rickshaw on the little lamp began to run down the gravel road

it was a good night

we didn’t have many of them

my fear of intimacy and belief i was the reason she was put up for adoption was a chasm i could not bridge

but not for lack of trying to chemically render it obsolete

i miss her

and drugs

especially on a night like this when the world weighs me down and i remember the time my aunt told me i was a bastard and i had a sister my parents couldn’t afford because of me

it was hard to hear at five

it is hard to replay now

but i was on acid

and it was okay