anxiety

i live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. actualizing every possible way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. a self fulfilling prophecy based on the recurrent data of an entire life spent in a crater as the bombs fall around me. of huddling next to a lightning […]

see you next fall

i wasn’t pushed down the elevator shaft i let myself fall sometimes the darkness is all that is there to comfort you sometimes it takes plummeting to a certain death to see the world for what it is the impending anxiety whispers softly it is all you can do to take that step

heron

my mind gets away from me at times too many thoughts fears anxieties race full throttle when it gets to be too much i feel myself crumbling under the weight of my own doubts i see a heron today as i was driving my head screaming i looked up saw it gliding effortlessly across the […]

jitter

jittery over caffeinated under slept drained at the speed of sound enraptured in the speed of love chained to the radiator of one thousand suns pulsating pure anxiety into the brain stem of tomorrow

off

less than two hours been in bed for five but less than two spent sleeping anxiety bubbles acidic stomach head pounding shoulder aching mind racing something is terribly wrong the world is off as thunder screams lightning stabs rain falls angrily

peace

anxious feeling in my guts gnawing at any sense of peace that may try and find purchase in the barren soil of soul wrenching torment all the king’s soldiers and all the king’s men couldn’t put the fool back into a semblance of normal again teetering at the brink of mental collapse like the stock […]

no alarm except the constant dinging of anxiety

slept the broken sleep of the damned only to not charge my phone and have no alarm the alarm being my head screaming why are you bothering now i sit with no time for coffee head in a jumble trying to figure out how to quell anxiety that today everything will go wrong yet the […]

hangman

this feeling twists and turns through my mind like rope burns on the neck of the man hanging three feet off the ground not far enough a drop to snap the neck no humanity in swaying as the world slowly dissolves into nothing before blood filled orbs a game of hangman for one played before […]

anxious

curious curious, the lights in the sky, blinking a message across the vast eons worrisome worrisome, specks of colorful dye, polluting all of the waters abysmal deep in the shadows, beyond mortal recollection, lurking in the lost moments of time softly padding footsteps, across a desert of glass, what tremulous terrors at dusk hide serious […]

manadillo

the weight of the world crushes down, anxiousness ebbs from the core of my being, compressing, collapsing, a man sized crater all that remains i yearn to become an armadillo halfway there as is a leprous thing, tainting all that come near, eyes glowing in the night, reflecting a light not inherent inside curling into […]

so/me

some days are bad days this one is getting worse the butterflies in my stomach are monarchs with razor fangs, the bats in my belfry have gotten into the meth again rancid remains of ridicule the check is late i’m overdue i’m sinking down into the backed up sewers, sliding down into ruin, falling faster […]

sorr(y)

the anxiety is insufferable lately when i was writing the book i could lose myself and feel a sense of progress purpose now as i begin a new one my confidence is shattered again second guessing my second guesses spinning tires churning out poems for fear of anything else everything else i am sorry everyone […]

gnaw

i am nearly sure i didn’t do anything wrong but my anxiety tells a different tale so i will just gnaw on the edges of my brain and fret that is normal right?

everything is normal

feels like the world shifted one degree to the right, to the left and i wouldn’t have noticed everything is perfectly normal but not like it is more difficult to put on the mask or maybe i want to see what it is like without but i’m afraid how does everyone do it so effortlessly […]

i’m flotsam, she’s the ocean

she’s got a hold of me this morning anxiety the bottom rung of depression pouring in through cracks in the dam so hastily assembled like the little boy with his finger in the dike and just as imaginary as flawlessly recreated and flawed to fail spectacularly as the feeling of dread washes over me uncertainty […]

farewell, i fade away

what is it that you saw when you stared into my eyes was it hope or forever or just another lie i feel like an empty package just barely making it by beaten up in transit discarded like an ode to pomp and style how i wanted it to be you just you and how […]

airports

i hate airports all the scents the lack of sense everyone looks confused unsure as if the straight corridors are misleading always a line to piss short tempers all in a hurry to get to nowhere but a wait happy japanese couple, mid sixties came and tapped my shoulder for a picture i turned and […]

anxiety this mourning

anxiety filled this morning feels like angry hornets racing from my right ear to my left stinging across the inside of my skull the air is so still and heavy in here they are welding three feet away and it smells like what space is supposed to smell like burnt steak and ozone sizzling and […]

better than coffee

it feels like running an all out sprint while sitting still heart hammering inside my rib cage like a rabid owl that just spotted a dormouse and not in the good way not in the did i just do a rail of meth off a stripper’s thigh way not in the did she just look […]

issues have issues

dread fills my every moment trepidation the haunting tones of anxiety murmuring through my vacant skull my stomach an acid filled barometer and the pressure in mounting i never wanted more from anyone than a kind word and passing hello instead it is all irrational expectations and searching for hidden meanings in my words they […]

let’s play a game

hey what are you asleep i think so let’s play a game at first i thought the game was about how long you can hold your breath don’t breathe don’t make a sound seeing spots and feeling dizzy the room is filled with poison my cheeks are ballooned up with stale gas then it dawned […]

unfortune cookie

found a fortune cookie in the cupboard while searching for something to quell the savage rumbling i had been attempting to ignore been in bed all day reading couldn’t fathom a single reason to rise nor shine like a thick cloud layer over suburban splendor more aptly smog over an urban death zone just another […]

circling round the drain in search of better tomorrows

drifting around the drain the whirlpool of emotional dismay centrifugal forces and insecurities in a sort of guerilla war frame of mind hiding under twigs from oncoming enemy tanks ghili suit of unsent of messages half formed email dysfunction like so many discarded post it notes of longing lingering dossiers militarized pheremones half truth melodramas […]

enhance.exe

they came in the night and replaced my left eye with a recording device they thought it would go unnoticed but the resolution is slightly higher and it shows a status bar that seems to indicate the power is at fifty percent i can scan things and know what they cost and see a person […]

epitaph

waves of anxiety and sorrow radiate from the core of my very being like a black talon around my heart knowing that the end of the long weekend of kids and life is going to close down and become the solitary existence again in less then three hours that the long drive home alone with […]

hares, words

the incessant buzzing in my ears from the swarm of angry hornets that ever circle the lazy stinging ill seasoned cauldron of rancid petty thought processes an allergic retraction freedom from information act subcode seven article one thirteen subclause fifteen point foxtrot the artificial harvest of incomprehensible demonic shuddering shall hereby and forever forth be […]

spatula, words

if i traveled ninety percent the speed of light for ten minutes due to dilation of time twenty minutes would go by for everyone else my mass would increase by nearly double as i race no matter how far i run the problems only double in mass and twice as much harm is doled out […]

over corpse, words

in hong kong they don’t have real estate for the dead so they built buildings like so many postal boxes to store the ashes in columbariums and that is disappearing as well seven point four million souls virtual reality tombs little boxes to store your earthly remains space trash send them to the moon or […]

same story, words

i’ve noted i’m telling the same stories over and over again moments of confusion an inability to do simple chores and tasks telling the same stories over and over again tempura deja vu lightly fried temporally in a wok telling the lame stories over and under again moments of contusion repetition the sky is gray […]

bzzzt, words

the smell of ozone in the air, scored carbon across the lead, blown capacitors and fried transistors invisible and corralled through the green board, simple yes or no answers sent like synapses i have little burn holes on the tips of my fingers from arcing zaps my dad would wait until you were halfway inside […]

tornado, words

tornado warning the summer before i moved to texas tornados destroyed a good chunk of ft worth funky town as the locals call it i don’t know why i am hard pressed to think of a less funky town salt lake city probably moscow strikes me as more vibrant underground house or techno i like […]

tonight then, words

didn’t so much sleep as fought for every second i got woke up too many times tossed and turned desperately fought to return to dreams it was a failure stretched over seven hours if there was a championship for trying to sleep for assuming a comfortable postition and seeking to yank defeat from the gaping […]

museum trip, words

it all started to cascade like the churning waters of the white rapids when you were a kid that trip why is that in your head indistinct drawings of stick figures and strange beasts, the flickering light of torches wash across the cave wall, the sounds of something primal, stalking, low growling bounced around the […]

intuition, words

can’t shake the feeling i did something wrong again not sure what exactly but that amorphous sense of impending doom floats like rabid moths in my center churning sharks in my stomach whipped into a frenzy by the subtle scent of blood lifelines have receded, pulled up anchor and set sail for anywhere but near […]

perform, words

a private performance seating for one the spotlight casts it’s harsh gaze upon the fool, center stage his bald head covered in sweat from the light he bows opens his mouth to recite prose yet not sound comes out sips water, clears throat to try again nothing he looks out, fear and panic in his […]

bundle, words

bundle of nerves and headache flight to Boston in the early morning, new faces, new lessons, a week away from home thoughts of her, somewhere out there, does she think of me, does anyone silence is the soul killer, leading to questioning, leading to doubting, leading to layers and layers of worry does any of […]

ringing, words

the fog of a headache mixed with too little sleep and too much trying eyes having problems focusing is it nromal to fall into waves of black thoughts the moment you awaken is it normal to already dread the day mere seconds into it going to get the kids and that is the only bright […]