bzzzt, words

the smell of ozone in the air, scored carbon across the lead, blown capacitors and fried transistors

invisible and corralled through the green board, simple yes or no answers sent like synapses

i have little burn holes on the tips of my fingers from arcing zaps

my dad would wait until you were halfway inside a machine tracing wires and using a meter and then when you least expect it he would grab your leg make a bzzzt noise

some of my favorite concussions happened that way

the idea of finding someone to share this ever escalating shit show with is like that

navigating the myriad of paths in front of you

dodging danger at every step

and then someone grabbing you and screaming bzzzt into your ear

the heart is not meant to withstand that kind of shock

the mind isn’t

i don’t know

it gets worse as time goes on and you anticipate that at any moment that bzzzt is going to happen

get hyper sensitive waiting for it

then when it doesn’t and you let your guard down and wallow in misery

well

sometimes it still doesn’t

damn

everyone around you is smiling and shaking from the shock and you are just sitting there

dead inside

just devoid of everything

your beard has gotten unruly and you barely remember the beard oil in the morning

the electric razor is good enough for your head

who the hell are you trying to impress

the nurses don’t care

there isn’t gonna be a knock as you veg out and write

when’s the last time you groomed your balls

for some reason you actually still do that part

and that new black toothpaste keeps you brushing because it is cool to have an all gray mouth in the mirror

and you realize something

it isn’t that the bzzzt has decided you are unworthy

you made that choice

the game lost it’s luster and you decided things are good enough as is

who cares if it all feels hollow

if sometimes you would give a kidney to have someone to share the quiet moments with

or when you are laughing like a loon at some wholly inappropriate meme

it’s cool

you can dream of bzzzt

write about it

remember it

without actually needing it

possibly

i worry if it happened i would just expire on the spot

and if it could be considered suicide

i am avoiding it because i don’t want another messy break up and year of hell

i stopped actively searching because i know how it ends

everytime

i am the zap

at first it is tingly and wondrous

then it is annoying

and then you bounce out like a thief in the night

keep your bzzzt

there is always drugs

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