vacuum of hope

the red hot hooks tear easily into the soft flesh of abdominal digression chained to the fetid earth facedown to muffle the screams as the loose soil fills the airways where vacant screams once lived a series of long rusty nails pounded lovingly into the skull to release the demons who feel naught but anxiety […]

sleep(less)

the rain makes the aching in my shoulder seem to pulsate in spiral agony with the vertical spray against the bedroom window. the world is quiet underneath the buffeting rains still sleeping not tossing and turning trying to find the one position that alleviates the pain.

making it up as we destroy

we met under the cover of night under the covers of desire under the understanding that what was uncovered could never be covered again she gave willingly of the flesh but i sought the rotten core inside of bruised ill intentions of battered hearts of self facing hate we smashed the facades of intermingled dismay […]

woke up

my bed is set on an inward spiral so every side is the wrong one woke up with a case of the burn the entire globe to cinders woke up with a blaze of agony lancing across acrimonious reality woke up with a headache a lighter and a case of molotovs dizzy from the infernal […]

8lb sledge

i know i am cranky when the birds screaming outside pisses me off all i want is silence or maybe some ryo playing softly undisturbed the birds did not cause this headache i am not irrational not that irrational but every trill every whistle is a finishing nail in my eyeballs with an eight pound […]

smothering

i know by the streak of fire lancing through my arm as my clumsy body rolls over to spring my mind to wakeful exasperation it will take time to fall asleep huddled against the wall of pillows that make the empty bed seem alive even as the deafening hush speaks volumes in the tenacious silence […]

you don’t pick your death

she staggered down the broken pavement leaving bloody footprints to mark the trail leading back towards the scene of her undoing a wild gleam in her eyes spoke of things best left unspoken she needed a stiff drink a three hour shower possibly a nice soft mattress to pass out upon once it was all […]

fisticuffs

it isn’t that he wanted to fight but the thought of exchanging fisticuffs made the doldrums of the day seem less inconsequential in some mesmerising way so he spat blood with fragments of tooth onto the rain slicked sidewalk with a wary smile that showed somewhat a physical manifestation of the inner agony was a […]

survivor

there is no greater beauty than in the eyes of utmost tragedy the shattering lends prismatic interpretation of insular pain that is why holding tightly to the broken tends to cut both standing in the eye of the maelstrom as shards of awareness spin at the pinnacle of rock bottom lies a harsh truth unpossible […]

corpse(flower)

she was a corpse flower with tendrils that swept across the everdusk of my wilted sorrow the sticky pollen coated everything in the open air market of this strange secondhand soul she never feared burning down the haphazardly stacked tinder bundles of hopeful adoration now the world is covered in ash as the sickly sweet […]

choking

in the brine of resolute redaction the sole soul of solitary dissonance finds purpose behind the bitter sighs of retracted heartspun shade there are billions of words yet not one that can describe in totality the encroaching madness of choking down the sobs of loss and need with any certainty the bitterness tastes sweet as […]

burnt orange umbra

when the tattoo artist shaved my arm for my latest inking i wasn’t quite prepared for the truth it exposed some things are buried deep down so deep they become dream so deep they are forgotten mementos of another life but in the glaring light of the day i saw them staring up at me […]

devout

he stripped the meaning from the words then plastered them across the room in hopes someone saw something in the hollow outlines all that was left was the prose of a damned soul stripped of purpose muscles cramped eyes clamped shut as shuddering waves of anguish sped from feverish forehead to curled toe leaving no […]

acid rain

the rain sizzles as it falls from the sunny sky tendrils of smoke rise with every significant spatter on the dusty gravel parking lot my skin has raised blisters my umbrella reduced to a metal skeleton hanging forlornly as the world burns pain erupts on raw skin yet still i stand spinning in the acid […]

the box

when she left she emptied every bit of her clothes from her side of the closet he returned home from work to find half of apartment unvacated her side of the bed was pillowless her photos off the walls her lotions makeups soaps shampoos gone he dreaded opening the closet knowing it would be half […]

like that

it’s the sudden silence the sudden stop from the go go go to the emptiness of falling in newtonian liquids it is a silence that either is deafening or a precursor to having gone deaf dead numbed left out to dry in the sun salted filetted preserved in amber the candle snuffed out as the […]

scar tissue

i would roll up my sleeves to face the day but the left shoulder is at thirty percent mobility covered in sweat as i roll out of bed already too tired to face the same day as yesterday one day is the same as tomorrow as the one that came before as the one that […]

pain

the steady trickle of blood from the pool in my ear to the pillow that hurts to lay upon the sun shining through the blinds in flickers of blinding brilliance as the sound of the ocean fills the throbbing deep inside i miss you this pain is temporary but the longing never fails

stare

she stares at me like destruction eroding the cellular walls of insular childhood ignominy her nuclear caress against blistered skin threads the needle of agony with an ecstacy chill she sloughs the skin of salted worry leaving etchings carved into the skeletalwomb of anguish

thoughtspeak

pulverized by pedantically worrysome thoughtspeak cinnamon and lilacs float across inflamed sinal dismay if silence can be deafening the converse must be true joy is silent ignored by fleeting signals of emotional decay freshly shaven skull filled with fire ants marching scurrying little bastards with naught but insolence

hurt me

cut me with your sharpened tongue, flay the flesh from blackened bones again strip me down to bare musculature then shower me with salty innuendo choke me with your stare until spots form at the edge of my vision until all i breathe is you i will gladly take pleasure from the pain you inflict […]

light

sunlight filtered through coffee sorrow tinged by joy day turns into long night spent staring at the ceiling aches course like acid spikes driven deeply the dull throb of another tormented soul where does it go this endless misery when it evaporates from a host does it find another to take root within or spin […]

ear

on nights like this i think of vincent’s ear the pain of life severed in pursuit of one’s true desire to carve one’s self to find meaning in the agony the need to have an outlet for the anguish to bleed it’s nights like this i sit and ponder vincent’s ear it didn’t know the […]

constant

you don’t realize how important things are until they stop working my head is unable to handle the sudden lack of hearing from my left side everything is too loud, as if it goes in the right side and just echoes and rattles within my skull i am having issues dealing with the constant pain, […]

broken drum

half my head is as normal as it gets the other half is packed with steel wool covered in fire ants bullet ants army ants devouring all in their path sharp instances of pain in the now deafened half world i exist in where everything is off balance i feel wobbly unsure semi-nauseated in uncomfortable […]

mid lie crisis

…as if an abyss opened beneath my feet this goddamn silence is the most painful grating if rusted nails across an already anemic soul left in tatters tetanus shots by the thousands like shotgun shells to the sternum this ache is why i have adopted the weeping willow stance as the ground quakes around me […]

ind(i)rect

the light pours itself through a pinprick in the sky even with my shoulder flaring in pain there is something soothing about the indirect light of a billion miles away twinkling upon me puts it all in perspective i am angry and miserable but the star doesn’t give a fuck at all so what does […]

all things

as he walked across the broken glass strewn all over the floor he realized it was the sound as much as the cutting that got to him like a car on a gravel road crunching shifting with every pained step the song sang softly into his ears kept him going on ever onward from one […]

pa(i)n

ramshackle house of horrors, haunted meat suit filled with pain, logistical nightmare given shape of insular sullen sorrow today’s a day to run away dancing around the mulberry bush, the rabid monkey chased the foolish poet, on his back it sprang, he screamed out in pain pop goes the blood vessel

ache

it’s pure agony i am at my breaking point relief is hopeless cannot recall lacking pain it has infused my being my broken figure torn asunder by torment left huddled in bed unable to fall asleep no end to relentless ache

souled out

i see my book on the shelf, feel the emptiness in my chest, the triple sixes branded on my throat every journey around the sun another notch on the wall, another sliver of myself gone sold my soul for a chance at light, eternity for a glimpse of you, left it all at the fork […]

pane

mark sang about making love to a beautiful girl and feeling alive i just want to hold one i feel like an untempered pane of glass in a hurricane buffeted by the winds and nature until i am contorted to tensile extremes at the edge of shattering any subtle shift in pressure and i will […]

distance between

if i could pinch the world erase the distance between your heart and mine tear through both space and time just for a moment of your precious time silence kills but distance builds up scar tissue restricts the flow of oxygen collapsed lung bleeding out in a dry riverbed fetid feelings fester help me rip […]

hydra

woke up in suddenly freezing abode after nearly eleven hours of fighting dreams, nearly mummified in twisted blankets my knuckles are sore, cracked and bleeding, my muscles are screaming, my voice has gone hoarse from screaming for you there is pomegranate juice spread across my chest, sticky and sweet smelling, the black grit of crawling […]

asunder

twisted into a parody of hr geiger’s nightmare, sexual and dripping malice in scream inducing frozen moments of pleasure and pain my flesh crawls as the muscles in my legs cramp in time to the fight or flight gag reflex that consumes me in this overbearing silence veins stand against too thin skin like worms […]

(un)titled ache

sorrow etched his face much like hard work callused his hands it was a part of him a defining trait like hazel eyes or a receding hairline he owned it his smile never reached his eyes carried that tinge of bitterness sarcasm flavored his speech self doubt was his cologne of choice it wasn’t his […]

radiance

there is a radiance a blossoming light a schism in the finer fibers of nervous endings electrical malfeasance shooting sparks into the clear glass skull with muscular trappings bloody kisses from lipless mouths mewling softly as salt water tides slowly drown the incessant hiss of never more ever sore ever tired ever grasping the roots […]

run-on

the ache in his chest throbbed in ever increasing waves of intensity each breath took more effort than the last he wanted it to stop he did not care if it was the pain or the breathing that stopped as long as one of them ceased being it all played on a constant loop in […]

unless you asked

i would never hurt you unless you asked then only as much as you desire but if you were a book i would break your spine with the number of times i would read you cover to cover highlighting your secret passages with shaking hands folding the corners of pages for quick access to the […]

headache but the truth pains me more

my head hurts just a double bass pounding in my temples with a circular saw behind my eyes so excuse me while i sit in the dark stare up at the ceiling thinking about you knowing you won’t read this if you do i doubt you will know it is you that is the you […]

be(a)st

i had hoped by staying in my cell the transformation would not occur wrapped in chains of pure silver away from prying eyes temptations of the sweetest variety alone with the beast that lies within pain is momentary but the memory iself that lasts your entire life i could never rectify the two halves of […]

tiny cuts

she cut me for every doubt she had about my sincerity she doubted me enough that after a week i looked like a walking jigsaw puzzle after a month my reflection seemed blurry in the mirror after a year i fell down the stairs like a spring toy after she left i couldn’t tell if […]

novaca(i)ne

a shot of novacaine in my sputtering heart to ease the palpable palpitations from your smile you folded me into a crane with your gentle words how i tried to soar with brittle wings bent into incongruent shapes held in shaking desire to maintain your sparkling gaze i am the crane on broken talons you […]

moth

wrapped myself in a cocoon of pain and misery, the ugliest caterpillar turning into the strangest moth writhing in the blanket chrysalis, begging for an end, a halt, a moments peace from the nails driven into soft flesh in this moment of singular despair even the words left me, my constant companions, they swept from […]

(un)titled thought XLV

when i am sick i feel less human and more over critical anthropomorphic can opener it could be the lack of sleep talking or the throbbing in my head and face but i want to drizzle syrup over you like a freshly buttered pancake and leave you hoarse after licking it all off or cuddle […]

(un)titled thought XLIII

the gluttonous pig of self doubt feeds heartily from the trough of insecurity today one day the knife slides across the stubbily chin and spills hot crimson etchings of devotion on the stones of the courtyard a torrent of devoured dreams washing away the aches and pains of everyday soliloquies

c(u)res

fever dream or street fair, no longer able to tell the differences of real or not vendors with slitted pupils peddling wares of brimstone and lies in multicolored stalls kernels of popped corn heavily seasoned with salty tears and tangled machinations forked tongues spinning yarns made to entice and pull the sullen soul from vacant […]

ell

today shall be a day of writing he whispered to himself and he awoke to an abstract h so he lay in bed writhing as three bombs explode inside his head this is not the start he sought he thought as the abstract h held sway if it is truly mind over matter what matter […]

struh llits

i don’t remember the second i fell in love but i remember the moment it fell apart wish that was reversed trapa llef ti tnemom eht rebmemer i tub evol ni llef i dnoces eht rebmemer t’nod i still hurts

so you can soar

come to me rest your weary head upon my shoulder let your tears soak into me infuse me i shall take all of your pain your sorrow fold it into the fabric of my being allow you to fly once more you are not meant for this it is why i am here so you […]

every other

sunday night is the worst night of my life i drop them off return to silence forget what happiness means takes two weeks to adjust to sorrow and silence then i get them again relish the love until every other sunday night strikes again

lily

a lone lily sitting in a vase petals once vibrant now hanging low i speak to it hoping to breathe life into it i know how it feels though sometimes the world is just too heavy

in the mo(u)rning

all i have left is the empty bottle of pills and a need for sleep i’m so tired of being alone in pain suffering silently it is no pain that is unique to me we all feel the crushing sorrow of alienation we all cry but as i look at the remains of the house […]

take as needed

another day where everything is wrong and the skies are gray and my heart is empty and brain feels numb another instance of wondering why why did i bother to wake up why am i pretending to live why is this ache so deeply cracked into my flawed facade of a human desperately trying at […]

(un)titled dreamscape IV

i awoke from the darkness into more darkness, a palpable black that coats the world noises from beyond, shouting and breaking glass, this feels so familiar somehow crawling forward it dawn’s upon me that this a closet, and one i know too well i stand and reach for door knob, well aware of what comes […]

not i

she ran her fingernails down the brittle glass of my soul because she liked to watch it flake away, the whatever flakes of my being gathering like so much fake snow in the bottom of my snow globe form, she was like a cat and my spine was her scratching post and when she finished […]

archeological losings

minor league archeologist combing through the strata of pain hoping for the find of the century the root of all self hatred he excavated layer after layer with cramped hands bleeding and blistered it bubbles to the surface in waves of radiating sorrow it all seems so abundant, he’s become redundant, just another case of […]

sodden denials

how long has it been since i’ve seen the sun is it weeks now the sky opened and let loose the rains and i cannot tell any longer if it is a reflection of me or if i am a reflection of it when was the last time any of this felt worth it that […]

asked for a sign, got a broken bottle of hot sauce instead

feverish need for coffee, freezing and desperate for relief stumble half drunken sober steps shaking from waves of sickness fresh filter, run water, got grounds, doing fine sprinkle cinnamon, hint of vanilla, dash of salt, let’s percolate clumsy elbow, paying no attention, hear the shatter dismay bottle of hot sauce across linoleum, an ocean of […]

she paints

she peeled strips of flesh off of my chest and drew in my blood on the sheets we lie upon sketching vistas of pain and pleasure upon the egyptian cotton as i tremble in rapture she picks apart my failings with a practiced hand and finds beauty in my hidden parts my body is her […]

a man

he is a man and all that means he is confused comes out fists swinging emotionally stunted he doesn’t cry he doesn’t show pain he is the rock he is a tornado a force of destruction he is a man and all that means he is bile he is hate he is anger raining down […]

tripwire

you see a tripwire, i see a means to an end. it feels as if society is a dogearred copy of salinger from flipping its collective shit. all the while i cut myself not to make the pain real but to make sure i am still capable of bleeding. that they did not swoop in […]

around the edges

the cold light of morning tends to shine upon you things we don’t want to see the loss of the day before the wreckage we stumble away from seems so much worse as the muscle ache sets in and the adrenaline wears off the snapshots in our mind, a jumble of blurring colors, all seems […]

ménage à trois

our relationship was a ménage à trois, this love that we shared, those secrets we bared it was her, me and crippling emotional divestment sharing a mattress of exposed springs and pillows wet with tears she’d tie me in knots with her pretty tongue and leave me drenched in sweaty denials when she placed her […]

fine

he came crawling out of the woods, his femur broken and pushed through the skin, the smell of infectious rot permeating the air his eyes unfocused, finger tips covered in blood and the ragged remains of fingernails everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at him as he pulled himself slowly along the ground […]

dire beauty

black tar tears blister and bubble down her cheeks rusted nails across the dirty glass of her soul she has been seasoned with needles of stringent regret and left in the heat of tortured passion the tinkling keys of a piano played like the loose teeth in her smile an angel with moth wings and […]

dedication

in these hastily written odes to her, to life, to depression, to home, to loss, to pain, to tender refrain, to bloody knuckles, to jazz, to music, to muses, to ruses, to rhyme in tanka, in haiku, of sonnets, of soliloquies, free form, rigid structure, dialogues and diatribes this is a dedication to you, i’m […]

dismemories

she didn’t remember me, no, she didn’t forget me either, instead he chose to dismember me with her mind looked past the times of smiles and joy, the laughter, the love i once thought we shared but she so selfishly kept as she walked away she remembered to tear it all apart in her mind, […]

dear me

dear five year old me i know it hurts, shhh, it’s okay to cry, let it out, trust me i’m you no the other kids don’t wear long sleeves to cover up the bruises they don’t grimace when they sit back against the hard wooden chairs or feel the wetness on their back from a […]

tour

my mind is a museum, i take guided tours through the musty halls in the quiet moments those brief seconds of peace between bouts of overwhelming sorrow and confusing seconds of energetic need those are the times i am me, like when we talked, the voices grow quiet and all there is is all there […]

scuffle

the first fist caught me in the side of the face, my head snapped to the side and i spat blood onto the ground the next three, well i’m a little fuzzy on those but as i launched my forehead into the bridge of the first one’s nose with a satisfying crunch and drove my […]

intersection

in the daily life of erratic crossings and insignificant interactions it is almost unruly to one’s sense of self when another falling star intersects and the stark similarities of pain resonate, somehow pulling two indistinct patterns into focus in a fury the carefully built bomb shelter of emotional walls crumble and you find yourself naked […]

worked (ripped) out

did my morning workout, thought to workout the feelings, the pain, the feelings of self induced anger and hate and as i did my cardio nearly impossible as it takes three pieces of equipment to work out a broken heart as they refuse to be a team i pedalled and pedalled, like a street vendor […]

fade

i could use a glass of wine, red or white, doesn’t matter just a starter need a tumbler of scotch, ten or twenty five years old just to take the edge off drink away the misery, how i want to drink away this pain, just let take a drink, before this world makes me fade […]

and still

sitting on the floor of the airport, curled up in a ball, trying not to let the tears fall down my cheeks knew when i woke up today would be a shitstorm didn’t expect it to fall the way it did, as quickly as it did, as fully as it did and i am destroyed […]

desire

come to me my love twirl your body to my song our danse macabre a rictus of pain and lust the tempo drives our passion sing to me of fire of the slicing of the blade crimson drops falling your tongue across the razor your eyes locked on mine our lips pressed tightly the taste […]

971

she asked for a face to face to face the face i face when i close my eyes and the faceless faces of past pain stares into my eyes through tears and barely restrained restraint i strained to face disdain and stain evaluating the reevaluation of revelation and evangelical restitution she, a different she than […]

surfing

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package not even sure the television is on been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression, it is so sad, daydreaming that he sits on the couch smoking weed all day, he writes nonsense and yearns to drink himself to sleep, he is teetering at […]

cataract

she turned to face me one last time our eyes met and even through the tears that streamed down my cheeks capturing and multiplying the sunlight into a prismatic glare i saw her mouth ever so faintly whisper one last time i love you and then she drove away i wanted to scream to beg […]

target practice

i stand against the oak tree knees trembling holding an apple over my heart you insist your aim spot on and i trust you because what’s the worse your arrow can do pierce the soft meat of the fruit and embed itself into my chest milady your smile does far worse and with little to […]

where the fool feels weary and sore

the poet illiterate is in a weird place his words keep singing but his feet don’t feel like dancing to the guilty rhythm the bare nerve endings and the onslaught of salty mist is unbearable he needs more and not more of the nothing he has grown accustomed too he tires of the same unfulfilled […]

drive

there is a black hole in my center a ravenous hunger a need that nothing i can find will satiate it’s always been there this desire a bottomless pit of want no drug nor drink can fill this churning haunting thing nothing can stay this itch in the back of my mind this emptiness of […]

the truth is not so happy

he carries his loneliness like a stone around his neck a wave and a smile is the best you can expect when i see him we always stop and exchange pleasantries sometimes he talks sometimes he just sits and stares at the ground and acts polite today he spoke i stay quiet on these rare […]

chances

The water in the tub was warm, just shy of hot. It offset the numbing cold of the blood rushing down my arms. I tried to shut the water off but apparently had gone too deep and severed a couple tendons. It didn’t really matter. Wouldn’t be my mess to clean up. Probably for the […]

thirteen

when i was born it took three nurses to get the doctor to stop hitting me it wasn’t until they sprinkled holy water on me that i started to cry a bellowing roar that shook the entire hospital my mother’s soul died on the delivery table they called it at thirteen hundred hours and thirteen […]

depression tanka

twice damn you sorrow depression holds my black heart squeezing like a hug taking all that is happy and filling it with sweet doubt curse you for this pain bottomless flows of sadness damn you bitterness leave me alone for one day find a new joy to smother i already know the depths of your […]

on sparrow wings

sparrows filled the air around us she stared at them in awe i stared at her in sorrow she caught my glance and raised an eyebrow in confusion i warned her not to fall in love with me it would only lead to pain and as she realized the truth of my words, the sky […]

arachnophilia

i’ve got spiders nesting under my skin for christsakes they crawl and bite and scramble up and down inside my arms laying eggs in my veins oxygen depleted blood cells rush them back into my heart and lungs a vast network of the damned things slowly taking over my meat like it is a series […]

under the yellow lights

he stood smoking lighting one off the smoldering butt of the last yellow stained fingers rasping cough looking at the street lights but not seeing them wine stains on the front of his wrinkled shirt he is wobbly absently tapping his fingers on his pocket staring into the lights he doesn’t see she died two […]

constriction

her hands, so small and delicate, the immaculately sculpted nails painted a mirror black those hands wrapped around my throat, the nails digging into my flesh, half moons of blood running down my chest she rides me like a bucking bronco, far outlasting the eight seconds, her eyes closed, face upturned to the ceiling small […]