another day where everything is wrong and the skies are gray and my heart is empty and brain feels numb

another instance of wondering why

why did i bother to wake up

why am i pretending to live

why is this ache so deeply cracked into my flawed facade of a human desperately trying at being

i’m sure there is a prescription

some magic pill i can take

erase it all

and then i’ll take the pill that let’s me feel functional

and then i’ll take the pill that let’s me take the next pill and that let’s me swallow them by the handful until this is emptiness is filled by slowly melting gelatin capsules and tiny chemical compounds that eradicate the parts of me that are aware i am broken

that are aware of what happened to me

that are aware of who i am

i could lie on a couch and lie to a therapist and lie about lying about everything because people look at you like you’re nuts when you say you feel down but can’t give a valid reason

my brain is a treasonous whore that dictates the neurological disorder of the day

i have no say

it’s why i’m alone and not looking

in love with an abstract image of a very real person that could never put me on a pedestal because i belong in the trash

so i write

hoping to abate the loneliness, the sorrow, the depression, the memories, the fact that no one can love someone that cannot love themselves

i write because it is the only prescription left

I write so you can know that when you feel this very same way i love you more fiercely than i have ever loved anything before

because you are absolute perfection and i cannot stand to see you hurting

and maybe one day i won’t wake up already ready to cry

and i won’t second guess everything because if it seems too good to be true it must not be true because the only things that are true is that truth is pain and pain is life and

so i write

so if you ever feel this way and just want to sit sobbing know i am doing the same and crying with someone is better than crying over someone or something that doesn’t care if you cry

i do

so when I ask myself why i wake up

i write

and when i ask myself why bother to go on

i write

it’s my prescription, i’ll share it with you

take as needed