wanted an hour nap before dinner curled up in a ball and thought about you the entire time wished we were talking, laughing, declaring impossibilities to one another, sharing inner thoughts instead of rest i lay in the too cold room with too desperate musings on the state of having a muse once again on […]
spent the day learning the electric rhythm of the heart of ventricle and atriums, current and flow, the machine that keeps us going how beautifully crafted a pump so strong, so important so easily broken I have been in a state of asystole for so long, a state if no electrical activity, self imprisoned by […]
it has been fourteen birthdays since i saw your face, heard your voice, got your advice i never told you how important you were to me nearly enough while you were here and i didn’t after you got sick because i refused to admit you were dying remember when we promised to see each other […]
fitful sleep, off dreams filled with crimson splashes and distant screams woke up nearly as tired as when i went to bed, and the accursed hotel coffee is not helping matters see i am a light roast man in a world of over acidic bold the opposite of my mental state acidic and bold with […]
barely functional sore body, drained spirit, mind in a fog long day, with longer coming saw the sights, killed the lights, lying on so soft bed with nothing but thoughts the mirror is situated in a way that when i move I am startled by the movement back the sounds of the highway soothe, so […]
i don’t have the wherewithal to weather another storm an aerosol parasol, no protection from inclement precipitous downfall soaked to the bone, so far from home, alone and attempting escape she told me to dance and on worn soles, with a torn soul, i let the music take me away shaky limbs still have rhythm, […]
over tired, under performed wilted my sense of equillibrium is off the excitement of the day has turned this infernal feeling if wanting more burns and leaves naught but ash want home trepidation and feeling insufficient exhaustion magnifies the broken edges less shattered more mangled shades of self indulgent misanthropic melodies flood through my mind […]
is there anything as lovely as a thunderstorm the world blanketed in gray, the soft pitter patter of warm fat drops nine times out of ten the view from the airport is of planes, saint louis is no different at least i have the storm for comfort a warm fuzzy blanket to block the horror […]
security check in felt herded into the long line to the slaughter house uneven lanes, the herd uncaring, heads down staring at phones instead of the subtle hiss thump of an air hammer it is the call out for all electronics in the bins half strip for the X-ray peep show, no shoes, no belt, […]
bundle of nerves and headache flight to Boston in the early morning, new faces, new lessons, a week away from home thoughts of her, somewhere out there, does she think of me, does anyone silence is the soul killer, leading to questioning, leading to doubting, leading to layers and layers of worry does any of […]
heat trailing my tongue all along your supple curves, tasting, testing your threshold for pleasure exploring every inch of your frame all the spots that make you scream slowly building the pressure until you beg for release over and again it comes when i say, not when you plead and beg full body orgasms, while […]
we were young, sneaking out, drinking beers and making bad choices, no reprecussions, no fear in sight days that never seemed to end, kissing under the stars, the world at our finger tips, the future looks so bright all the promises meant to be broke, all those nights playing games, chasing girls and telling jokes, […]
beauty is in the eye of the beholden, and i find myself besot by you inspired to not move mountains, but reimagine them, reshape them, craft them into monuments for you whether hammer and chisel or pen and ink, i yearn to make something that will withstand time in homage to the brilliance i see […]
i feel as if jackson pollack must have painted my soul my scars are a roadmap across the desert, but shifting sands make navigation impossible i am like a flash frozen thundercloud struck by lightning and shattered into a thousand bits of aether, destined to rage in a thousand impotent storms like a choose your […]
thank the silence for the kids, the tenuous loneliness of the perpetually alone broken by these brief interludes of joy baking for them, cooking for them, having someone to take care of is a slice of heaven all too quickly it vanishes and i retreat into the spiral of depression and emptiness but as the […]
metamorphosis joints popping out of socket as bone breaks fuses over and again wails of agony snapping vertabrae, elongating jaw, jutting fangs, eyes flashing yellow howling over the crackling sounds of becoming something more heightened senses, the smell of blood in the air, succulent fear and sweat transitioning to something more, than human, than predator […]
i am the hunter, the silent stalker in the cityscape the lone tracker of the most elusive of prey following the scent of the heart’s desire, picking out clues in the most hidden of places, laying my traps of subtle turn of phrase and heartfelt prose looking for the missing piece, the completion, the mythical […]
pre-emptive apologies, reactionary dodging of the shrapnel from my sleep addled brain spent too much time thinking of the unknown of falling wishing for a controlled plummet but knowing it is free fall and all i see are clouds beneath did i allow this set myself up for another collosal failure on the road to […]
I woke up with my hand in a bowl of warm water. John woke up shaved. Matt had most of the beard glued to his face. And Clayton had a penis drawn on his cheek. It must have been a better night than I remembered. Thankfully the warm water trick didn’t work. Wish it would […]
it was the words that hooked my curiousity the turn of phrase that made it impossible to stop thinking about it is always the words that get me they are the aphrodisiac of choice the only vice i cannot seem to kick and now i fall into the rabbit hole of infatuation with the words […]
if i were a knife i would have a serrated blade, with many sharp edges and a jagged scarred face my words are the razor, the stiletto, by i am far to clumsy to cut smoothly no, i am more of a saw tooth blade, it takes more effort and never leaves as even a […]
the fog of a headache mixed with too little sleep and too much trying eyes having problems focusing is it nromal to fall into waves of black thoughts the moment you awaken is it normal to already dread the day mere seconds into it going to get the kids and that is the only bright […]
another one of those i should be asleep moments another time my mind races through the hallways of maybe if and probably not, i wish it would the waking dreamstate of need and hope is it all in vain, this idiotic and possibly quixotic pursuit of something more than the bare minimum the dreams and […]
the soft refrains of the closing music drifts to my ears is it over, the curtains about to close on me, the hook coming from off stage to pull me out of the endless kerfuffle of failing grace the one man performance of lonely the musical, like a one man band with no coordination, a […]
i remember my first words and last words with all my former loves the middle is a jumble of declarations, lies, and inane conversations hardly important, but the first and last stay burned into my mind like beacon fires on the shore of a rocky outcropping they don’t lead to safe harbor though i can […]
slowly pushing needles into the corner of my eyes i can feel the drill boring into my temples as the ice hammer thumps the top of my skull sense it as they flay the skin from the soles of my feet and bath them in salt and acid all while rabid monkeys beat my shins […]
i bought myself a valentine’s day gift today it is a knife holder in the shape of my dessicated heart now when i cook the meals i do not taste i can pull a blade out and in sustenance find a small piece of absolution and when i regret the food i consumed and clean […]
i don’t believe in anything any longer not gods or goddesses, not magic, not miracles, not fate or destiny or predestiny there is no one there to answer the prayers, the begging, the hopes, the dreams i want to, i wish there was more to this barrage of elemental destruction, mental disrepair, broken spirit and […]
the last day with her was filled with all the warning signs i had learned to ignore the subtle swipes, the not so feigned disinterest but what sticks out in the ramblings chains of memory is that look in her eyes after we made love she stared at me, knowing it was the last time […]
cupid missed me yet again this year though i am beginning to doubt the veracity of his bow and arrow maybe the cherub took a blow to the head, got his sights mixed up, or maybe he just took to drinking the last couple times he struck it didn’t fly straight and true maybe it […]
watching the world burn and pulling up to warm my hands, roast a few friendships over the open wounds of old flames asked the ouija board for answers, the spirits said try again later, my magic eight ball says that loneliness is my penance walking along the river styx, no pennies for the ferry, i […]
skipping across moonbeams in this shadow dappled grass, a lone fat cloud drifts into view it has been cold lately, bitterly so as i am curled up in the bed alone, emptiness a reminder the wind moans it’s sorrowful tune, rattling the windows, a ghost in the night i clutch the pillow closely, the embrace […]
the voices in my head say you are being less than honest they have a history of being mistrustful of too good to be true, and you definitely fit the bill the voices also have a history of setting me up for failure, they camoflauge the sabotage by making delicious fallacy sound like truth so […]
loving her was like climbing a mountain of glass with two broken arms swimming through pirahna infested waters with open bleeding wounds walking barefoot across a desert of salt with the skin flayed from the soles of my feet yet effortless like wrestling a rabid badger while being mauled by a bear on cocaine tumbling […]
i can feel the half moons of blood well up on my palms as my oversharp fingernails cut into them shaking fists and throbbing temples is it frustration or simple contemplation, a restoration, an emancipation, a declaration of love that will never be love is a broken boomerang i continue to throw hoping one day […]
i was standing in a thunderstorm, watching the lightning play across the sky, the purple after images burned into my retinas rain running down my head and into my eyes, the crash of thunder palpable, my heart racing with every flash of voltage the smell of ozone burning mixed with that fresh rain scent, masking […]
ghosts have haunted me all day today, shimmering forms floating across the beige carpet, tantalizing glimpses into what could have been, would have been, never quite was no words exchanged, not even a glance my way as they went about the shades of yesterday at first i sat huddled under a blanket, afraid of their […]
“We got cats coming Gear. Six of them.” “Fuck.” “That isn’t all. Something weird too. You feel that?” I reached out and felt, something. Something alien. Something horrible. Screaming for death with it’s mind. I nearly pissed myself from the onslaught. The brothers looked the same. I felt nauseated from the touch of this twisted […]
i have discovered the inescapable truth that i am a failure, it is as factual as needing to breathe, eat or drink water to survive i am the goldfish bellyup at the pet store, the glued together milk can at the fair, the tire blown out on the highway just a disaster of a person, […]
found the end of the line, the last great sip of discontent see i spend so much time sitting in the darkness waiting for some magical fix that makes the outside not seem so daunting, my thoughts not seem so haunting this river of emotion boiling over with endless miserable death defying indecision laying in […]
just another end of the world daydream one of those happy go lucky apocalyptic nightmares the kind where you are sure it isn’t real until the undead rise, the oceans boil, or she shows up again the sky opens up and blood rains down, the purge, the rapture, somehow she got a new number and […]
It feels like a building has been dropped on my skull. I can feel three separate beings sending the entire weight of their minds against me. No angst or murderous intent just the crushing force of keeping me down. I tried to fight back but it was pointless. I was not nearly strong enough. So […]
So I went to see the doctor at the chop shop a group of homeless men recommended in an effort to not die from the nonstop torture I had endured over the course of what seemed to be just short of eternity at the hands of a group of asshole Weresquirrels. Something no person should […]
“There is a girl that has been taken. A special girl. Now I would be remiss in saying that this reflects poorly on my organization. There are traitors in the Pride. Someone pulling the strings to sow discord in my business,” the large shirtless Boss of the Pride said. His black eyes seemed to look […]
I stepped over two corpses, gut shot and throats torn out, and tried to stay silent as I enter the hole. It is a five story apartment building that has seen better days. The East side of the building is mostly rubble and the rest is close. The air is filled with a palpable sense […]
fever, burning up from the inside eyes strain and feel like they are boiling, the only source of heat in my shaking and frozen form pounding rhythm in my skull slept so much the green liquid just makes me feel like i am swimming through the act of staying awake eat an orange, citrus spray, […]
“We have good news and some bad news Mr. um, Dreary. Which would you like first?” the overly charismatic doctor announced as he entered the room, hand out like an overly orange panhandler. I could practically feel the spray tan flow into my hand. Piss poor bedside manner in my opinion. Who walks in with […]
He stood staring into the sun, face set into a grin tinged with madness. That unblinking stare continued for what seemed to be hours. His black suit was covered in fine red dust blown out of the dry creek to his left. His shiny head glistened with sweat. The treeline to the right was sparse […]
“Berry, get me a coffee with two sugars and have those twits in accounting send me the latest spreadsheets yesterday.” I just nod. Already on my phone sending the twits a message as I head to the break room to grab the coffee. I can only imagine the scrabble as they try and put together […]
following the chord progression, singing along to my depression, my former flame of obsession the staccato drums and gently lifting horns, bass driving the mix, stunted and undertonal dissonance beauty in the beat, safe harbor in the lyrical longing, a reflection of my own dismissive drone reverb echo chamber smooth, soothe the savage bestial moans, […]
i disappeared into a bottle of Nyquil i had hidden from myself yesterday had spoken to a friend and she told me what she had been going through and it made me sad and she was so positive and i just got worse when you hear someone else’s pain and then look at your pain […]
“Speak, I need the entire tale.” “It started with a car accident. A tire blew out and the car spun and flipped. I was hanging upside down, pretty sure I was about to die when a monster came out of the woods and offered me a deal.” “Allow me to give you a little backstory, […]
can you remember a time without fear a time without sorrow can you remember what life felt like before loss before the bottom fell out the time when the world made sense, when truth was a real, when heroes existed and we aspired to be like them villians were cartoonish foibles, shadowy figures behind the […]
when everything is falling apart, dissolving back into the baser bits, simmered down and gently deglazed, white wine and butter, heartache and tears, take stock, add broth, low heat and immense pressure life is made equal parts butter and flour, salt and pepper, smiles and throaty chuckles, skip to the roux my darling i miss […]
Carcosa was a trap, placed inside of a book that was given as a gift. A gift from the only person that had my back when I was at my absolute worst. I refuse to believe it was on purpose. It is crushing to even consider a betrayal, but from Chad? Utterly impossible. Jackie says […]
i may have missed my calling i have wasted so many words, so much time, seen so many things that seemed to be succulent insanity traversed through time and place to find myself fraudulently forward facing always looking back and drifting off into memories of things best left forgotten, of things that didn’t happen, of […]
not sure which personality is in charge today been teary eyed, at the edge of breaking down, chest under pressure, head hurts, gonna cry any minute need release need relief missing the feeling of missing someone, missing the feeling of being missed miss mattering misplaced, mischief, misaligned, maligned, maladjusted and saturated with grief feel so […]
So I am sitting in this rusty, a pack of thorobred sized emaciated dogs throwing themselves against the bars, because a dude in a yellow robe hit me with his tentacle leg. This is what is racing through my mind on repeat. Like the start of a bad stand up routine. A funny thing happened […]
Have you ever woken up and just known someone was staring at you as you slept? That strange feeling of intrusion? When I rolled over from my nap after the battle with Dagon and scratched my balls on the couch I realized someone was staring intently at me. I think it was that feeling that […]
I was not in a party mood. The bit of self realization I had outside the East Tower was enough to ruin my mood for anything more than some solid staring at the ceiling time. I am scared to death. Of nearly every aspect of my new life. When it was going full speed and […]
The alarm went off and scared the hell out of me. I sat up and immediately wished I hadn’t. My insides felt like they were sloshing inside of me. I was filled with booze and some evil Newtonian liquid. I was hung over as hell. How much had I drank the night before? It started […]
Everything I have known and believed for most of my life has turned out to be a lie. That is a hard realization to face. But for once As I lay in bed basking in the post coital glow of mind blowing sex. The connection between Apricus and I was undeniable. Now that I had […]
We spent a while in the kitchen. My mind was jelly from seeing all of creation. My soul was broken at the ramifications of it all. There was no one true God as we had been taught our entire lives. It was a collective sprung forth from the original celestial being that incorporated itself into […]
Over the last couple days there has been a shift in how Apricus behaves toward me. It is alarming. She has been polite and very nearly charming. I don’t trust it. When I opened my eyes this morning, well what I choose to call morning in this perpetual night at least, She was sitting on […]
Ever go from suicidal in an apartment to miserable in a castle tower? Like a princess in a fairy tale where the evil step mother is in love with you and your dream girl is more unattainable now then ever? Where your darkest depression seems light and jovial in the face of an alien landscape? […]
My phone ringing broke me from the opioid induced sleep. I opened my eyes and had to shake the fuzz from my brain. Did the evening even happen? I dreamt of Her. The look in Her eyes as She looked at me. I have never seen anyone look at me with that intensity and pure… […]
I got a prescription for Vicodin for my birthday. And it is one of the most glorious presents ever received. They ran a few tests on me until I mentioned the lack of insurance and willingness to pay. Suddenly they realized I was probably okay. Low blood sugar and the stress of the accident satisfied […]
I hate birthdays. Especially my own. It happens too late in the year and always got overshadowed by the real holidays. And I have always been okay with that. When I was a kid my parents never had much money. That combined with the proximity to Christmas meant one or two presents. Not that presents […]
The sky was a dark shade of purple, like a bruise covering the world. Heavy clouds blanketed it and kept the twinkling of the stars hidden. The moon was clear of the cloud cover and shone with a pugnent orange, like a giant sky pumpkin. The clouds themselves were fat with snow that threatened at […]
I cannot tell if I am awake or not. If this is reality or a waking nightmare. I tried. If anyone ever asks, I did try. It is the sixth day since my first failed attempt. Since I understood normal. In this time I have failed to die twenty seven times. Been killed once. Had […]
I woke to the knowledge that everything I wanted from this world was gone. That this pain, this horrible stabbing fucking agony was my new reality. My every dream, my every release was dead. Like the most wonderful woman I had ever known. I woke up with the tears already falling. Choking on my misery […]
Remember. Was she watching even now? I closed the blinds and shut off the lights. Shut my phone down as well. I sat huddled on the floor next to the cocoa spill, razor opened and ready to attack. “Do you have the apartment bugged? Do you?” I screamed. “”Fuck you! I’m not yours! Leave me […]
I haven’t slept since the text. I used a staple gun and hung a blanket over the mirror. I have beem drinking coffee by the pot for the last twelve hours. And pissing in a botttle. I am aware how this sounds. But I have reached a level of sheer terror that has caused my […]
I slept twelve hours in a Nyquil induced coma of hell. Consumed by Her only to wake up under the ice on repeat. I woke up in my bed that was soaked with what appeared to be gallons of icy water and a bluish tint to my skin. Shivering I took a like warm shower […]
My eyes opened and I sat up in a rush, gasping and hands going to my throat. The flesh felt normal, like it always did. The gash was not there. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and using the camera checked myself out. Nothing. Fresh shave and no open wound, no trace of […]
I learned something important about myself today. No, not why I didn’t die. And no, not how I woke up with an icy tattoo on my clavicle. I learned that I am shit at patching drywall. Another trip to the hardware store and hours of clean up and half assed plastering proved it. It was […]
I sat alone, watching the clouds roll by and trying desperately to find one reason not to kill myself. As if to mock me, or my subconscious trying to encourage me, the clouds took shape before my eyes. I saw a bottle, short and squat, that looked like the poison in old black and white […]
At his funeral he insisted that his corpse was to be interred at twelve feet deep, a second corpse, one of a beggar was then to be placed at the normal six foot depth. They thought him insane. But being a last request in sound mind, at the time at least, it was done. That […]
My life has been a series of misadventures and misunderstandings. If there is a way for things to become fucked up and wrong I witnessed it from the very first breath. I seemed to always find myself in the middle of a cyclone of unfortunate happenings. I was born different. From my first moments it […]
as i stared in the mirror while shaving my head my mind wandered to you, as it has become prone to do in moments of quiet reflection, in the mirror reflection of another world where things might have been successful the last thing you said was that it was the last time you would ever […]
i cry everytime I watch my daughter perform, everytime the darkness comes at me from all sides, everytime i think of you, everytime these walls start pushing on me and breathing becomes a chore, when the loneliness is the only flavor in my mouth, when i wake in the middle of the night from a […]
started to see my failings, my dreaming heart, my romantic streak, my insecurities as a business opportunity, a chance to turn all this hypnotic jiggle and subversive intellect into cold hard cash, a little side money as the side piece boyfriend rental, want to feel like the top of the world and the only girl […]
if i sent the messages i type out to the people i type them out to i think they would call the police or an ambulance, or maybe poison control the only real relationship i have is with my depression i would hit send but there is no point i spend time crafting them, changing […]
how long have i been holding my breath i remember holding it, sucking in a huge lungful until I felt my lungs would burst, my chest expanding, a burning feeling it feels like forever ago was it a month ago spots dance before my eyes and i try to remember how to exhale this gust […]
growing up with alcoholics is living in a dual singularity some days are the best and every one laughs and the party feels like it shouldn’t even end, everyone loves everyone and life is as good as possible, my job as waiter and professional beer fetcher is one, as a child, i took pride in […]
just got off the phone with Lana, my friend that moved to New York she yelled at me for thirty straight minutes. i did not enjoy it. but she was right. i let me bad thoughts control me the last couple of days, the dark spiral. everything became black and white and it was all […]
repeat, retweet, react, rehash rinse and repeat the cycle all over again my mind has become a contortionist, an origami wizard, able to take the same three thoughts and repackage them as wholly new look, a swan now it is a dove now it is the crushing realization that it is december that fucking swan […]
this is not my suicide note this is not my last good bye to you, my friends, my family, my love lost, my love never found, my almost, my missed chance, my every evil thought this is not that this is not my cry for help, my plea for forgiveness, my screaming shaking voice broken […]
non-existent again still not sure any longer if i ever existed in the first place, not really, not any more not sure i want to it all seems like too much, the effort required to be functional, to be part of this spiderweb, plucking strands and hoping for a place i fit but i feel […]
I avoid eye contact whenever possible they say the eyes are the window to the soul, a look with in, and I don’t want you to see what is within me, to judge by my lack of character, to see past this character that I portray, to see what I lack so I avoid eye […]
I showered and shaved my head today that doesn’t sound like much to you but it was monumental for me, just getting up and moving was feat of legend I sit here and wallow in the agony because what if I were to go outside what if I had to interact with someone what if […]
two weeks until the kids return solitary confinement until then, these walls and my own frantic screams the only companions, the words constant and undiluted, unlimited in speed and force, a physics equation of the breaking point of a man limit reached, exceeded, the duality of depression and longing intricate and become one I need […]
went out for a coffee with a trans lady, curiosity abounded, the struggle, the looks, the questions from with in and out, stepping out of our comfort zones she was beautiful, polite and aware to how precious life is, born one thing but destined to be another we chatted about normal things, books and art, […]
the walls are closing in on me this morning made the sacred pilgrimage to the Mart of Wal, the quest to find bread and milk a success over dressed in shorts and shirt, pajamas the flavor of the day the remnants of a great battle marked the entire marketplace, I saw the decapitated head of […]
Thirteen years ago you came, a little bundle of tears and all of my fears personified into one perfect package I was rudderless, adrift with no purpose, no clue where or what I wanted out of life and then I held you no, before that the first time your heartbeat filled the room, it was […]
first holiday season alone in 17 years, if it is anything like my birthday this is going to be fucking epic levels of sad since I moved to Texas I have been in a relationship, so even though I have no family here I always had their family now, hmmpf, nothing kids are with their […]
Then, a month ago “What if I told you I have the perfect heist? A chance to hit two banks at once and get out of town with no interference by the cops?” “I would say let’s do this.” “Here is what we need…” now “You two, hit the bank on the left, we have […]
I need a hug. Been too much drama all day and god damn it I want a fucking hug. is that too much to ask for? seriously, is it? because fuck me it feels like it. Been a non-entity for two weeks. a ghost. am I dead? did I fucking cease to exist and no […]
she leaves a trail of broken and discarded things in her wake, broken hearts and shattered homes always the victim, the wronged one, finding excuses to cover up the never ending lies a monster wrapped in the sweetest disguise, a demon with steel gray eyes and blackened heart a natural disaster with intent to kill, […]
I wonder if this year was the worst year of my life because it was just an absolute shit show of emotional death and destruction compounded by loss and false hope and multiplied by tension and depression. or because as we get older it just becomes apparent how shitty life really is. think back. last […]
