happy birthday, words

it has been fourteen birthdays since i saw your face, heard your voice, got your advice

i never told you how important you were to me nearly enough while you were here

and i didn’t after you got sick because i refused to admit you were dying

remember when we promised to see each other over the summer we both knew you wouldn’t make it until

did you know i cried for three hours on the plane, head against the window, knowing how beautifully we lied to each other

you made me who i am, shaped me as i watched you fight your demons, as i watched you deal with life

i have not asked for help since you died, because if superman could die how could i rely on any one else

you still are my hero, the person i most wish i to be like, i try to emulate you when i doubt my parenting skills, when i am nervous i ask what would you do

why did you have to fucking die

how fucking dare you leave before you could meet the kids

do you realize how much i have needed you, just to have you there to listen

i am being selfish

i just miss you so damned much

the pain of your death is still as sharp now as it was then, like someone sliced off a part of my soul

i know you would hate it but i still cry some days because i miss you, because i wasn’t there the day you died

because i see you in maia and dax and they will never get your over tight hugs and squirm, they never got a kiss and wiped it off and heard you say you are just rubbing it in

all those little things that i would kill to hear one more time

happy birthday Dad, i love you, thank you for everything

4 thoughts on “happy birthday, words

      1. Anniversaries and birthdays and certain dates are so hard.:( I’m sorry. But if I’m inspiring you to write such great poetry I hope to inspire more!:)

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