I showered and shaved my head today that doesn’t sound like much to you but it was monumental for me, just getting up and moving was feat of legend I sit here and wallow in the agony because what if I were to go outside what if I had to interact with someone what if  […]

two weeks until the kids return solitary confinement until then, these walls and my own frantic screams the only companions, the words constant and undiluted, unlimited in speed and force, a physics equation of the breaking point of a man limit reached, exceeded, the duality of depression and longing intricate and become one I need […]

went out for a coffee with a trans lady, curiosity abounded, the struggle, the looks, the questions from with in and out, stepping out of our comfort zones she was beautiful, polite and aware to how precious life is, born one thing but destined to be another we chatted about normal things, books and art, […]

the walls are closing in on me this morning made the sacred pilgrimage to the Mart of Wal, the quest to find bread and milk a success over dressed in shorts and shirt, pajamas the flavor of the day the remnants of a great battle marked the entire marketplace, I saw the decapitated head of […]

Thirteen years ago you came, a little bundle of tears and all of my fears personified into one perfect package I was rudderless, adrift with no purpose, no clue where or what I wanted out of life and then I held you no, before that the first time your heartbeat filled the room, it was […]

first holiday season alone in 17 years, if it is anything like my birthday this is going to be fucking epic levels of sad since I moved to Texas I have been in a relationship, so even though I have no family here I always had their family now, hmmpf, nothing kids are with their […]

I need a hug. Been too much drama all day and god damn it I want a fucking hug.  is that too much to ask for? seriously, is it? because fuck me it feels like it.  Been a non-entity for two weeks. a ghost.  am I dead? did I fucking cease to exist and no […]

she leaves a trail of broken and discarded things in her wake, broken hearts and shattered homes always the victim, the wronged one, finding excuses to cover up the never ending lies a monster wrapped in the sweetest disguise, a demon with steel gray eyes and blackened heart a natural disaster with intent to kill, […]

I wonder if this year was the worst year of my life because it was just an absolute shit show of emotional death and destruction compounded by loss and false hope and multiplied by tension and depression. or because as we get older it just becomes apparent how shitty life really is. think back. last […]

they say misery loves company but that is false. so many people I know are at rock bottom right now. people I care about immensely.  I know. I see them.  misery does not love company. I want them gone from my realm. this land of bleak and desolate loneliness is not for you. I am […]

butterflies and sequined stars, bitter lies and puckered scars, your soul is more than comments and likes, of broken chains and discarded bikes of endless whispers said in vain, loss and love and crimson stain, to say the truth and disguise the hate, to tremor and shake to avoid your fate I want to be […]

I am obsessed with finding the right combinations of letters and syllables to magically turn this endless fountain off I feel like if I can just lay it all out there these mutterings will cease and I can focus on anything else write around the issues and they will phase away, leaving another corpse in […]

they say when you see 11:11 you are exactly where you are supposed to be it is a sign you are going the right way everyday I catch it at least once and where I am is not where I need to be listen to me, I am not supposed to be here, this is […]

Hello there, umm, God? Goddess? Gods? Elemental Spirits? Mother Gaia? Loki? please be Loki, please. you will get me. born of Frost Giants and given to the hated enemy. raised as one of the Aesir and rightful heir to Asgard. destined to rise and lead victory at Ragnarock. fuck. or Jesus. Lamb of God. blah […]

it isn’t that I have anything to say, it is I have no one to say anything to. it makes a difference. the words that don’t get said, the thoughts no one cares to hear get all backed up and I cannot stand it any more and have to write them down flooding the airwaves […]

when ever you get to the point where you can not take another fucking second of this this this unyielding and terrifying nothingness, oblique and carved from obsidian, sharp enough to cut an electron yet in the hands of an angry three year old take shelter in me an angel fell, hurtling like a meteor, […]

I die tonight another year burned to ash, a new me to rise and suffer and struggle in the mess the old me left behind another notch that signifies how much closer to death I am and still all alone am I in crisis, falling apart, feeling the icy claws of death approaching from the […]

my brain feels like it needs fiber, like it is constipated, like it needs a vowel movement there is so much thunder but no lightning noise but no illumination crashes and collisions but nothing makes it real my heart thunders like a stallion broken free and racing through the night or some other overly masculine […]

I saw a video tonight and I don’t know what I think, it looped over and again and I could not look away or understand the basic fucking concept of what I saw it was turkeys circling a dead cat in this perfect fucking choreographed dance strutting in victory of a stunning win in the […]

I don’t know when I found art. it must have been a mistake, stumbled upon it, tripped over it looking for something to ogle. it feels like it came from punk. or the basic aesthetic originated there. graffiti as well. the train cars and murals on the underpass. I remember it took being shocked to […]

flipping the channels on my non-existent cable package not even sure the television is on been watching a documentary about a man living with manic depression. it is so sad. he sits on the couch smoking weed all day. he writes nonsense and drinks himself to sleep. he is teetering at the edge of oblivion […]

I tell myself you are going to the store and will have interactions with people. it is healthy and you have been trapped inside getting wasted for almost two full weeks.  I tell myself that. then I go and make evil face so no one approaches and use the self check out. then talk to […]

hey there my dear reader how are you doing today? good, good, at the edge of darkness, swirling ever closer and threatening to drown you? good. that is great. knocking it out of the park there. me?  honestly? No clue. none.  cereally. I got nothing. discovered honey whiskey. then discovered vanilla whiskey. hmmmph. story time? […]

hey dad, been a while since we had a heart to heart, the hot trails down my cheeks are your disappointment in the place you have to watch me sit in wallowing in my depression like a pig in mud unknowing that the farmer comes and he has no more slop just a gun I […]

I held her while she confessed her love to another man 725000 pounds per square inch is required to form a diamond I had told her how I felt for her an hour prior 8 pounds to tear off an ear it was crushing, I had no chance 11 to collapse a trachea, 33 to […]

sing your pain to me, whisper it directly into my heart and I will accompany you our disparate rhythms finding a meeting point in sorrow give me your ghosts and I will give you mine burn the place to the ground together and dance on the ashes of the ones we left behind laugh at […]

I saw a beautiful hawk circling majestically over a field this morning slowly spinning lazy circles, lower and lower to the ground before diving down for a tasty snack as much as I want to be the hawk I know my place snatched into sharp talons and taken to a place of consumption motes of […]

woe is me. we look at our lives and see the shit streak of luck and it crushed us. it is bad, right? why is everything so terrible? will it ever get better? then it gets worse. we relish the idea of the normal things we complain about. want to go back to those simpler […]

there is a magical combination of booze and weed that exists. it is a tricky combo to find, but when you do it takes everything bad and smushes it into a ball that you can feel radiate horror but also manage to somewhat ignore. it is hard to hit that point and stop. a shot, […]

I am standing in the midst of a blizzard of playing cards. they fly about slicing into me and it is all I can do to protect my eyes. it is in slow motion and I watch every single one fly at me. an ace of spades nearly removes my left ear. the suit of […]

the sun had not risen yet, but the easterly wind had a tinge of warmth. rustled the leaves of the trees as if to announce the approaching sun. regally, life in the woods stirred from slumber as if a page in a pop up book. alone, against the trunk of an old oak sat a […]

Morning my sweets I learned something about myself this morning. Stepped out to take a walk. it felt cool. Not cold, but cool. I have a shaved head. they don’t mix well. So threw on a beanie.  At the second lap I realized I may have misinterpreted cool and chilly. Manned up and kept going. […]

So. Riding pretty high.  also, got fired. what does it say about me that i would rather daydream about a wonderful lady than focus on this hot mess? where there should be panic and abject terror there is a sense of content i am where i am supposed to be right now. this is my […]

A pair of heels in the center of Malcolm X Blvd. One on each of the yellow lines. Sodium lights casting a washed out look on everything. Except for her. She shines like a million suns. She was stunning in a black dress. I did my best not to stare. I failed. Repeatedly. Heels in […]

Pretty Vacant (Sex Pistols) The thunder startled me awake. It felt like I was being bounced around inside a kettle drum. I tried to lay still as if the lack of motion would stop the onslaught of sound. As my eyes grew used to the darkness of my room I squinted to make out the […]

Feel empty this morning still that gray feeling of nothingness maybe tomorrow i will have something to say but it feels like this is gonna be a deep dive into numb if I seem a bit out of it or do not respond very quickly know it isn’t you my sweet hugs

like a band aid. had her stuff ready. she grabbed it and bailed. hardly uncomfortable at all. first time I saw her since she left  still beautiful same eyes that have haunted dreams. I couldn’t maintain contact with them I think that is understandable probably clinical detachment is key six years is a long time […]

good morning just wanted to say hi. connect a little. not in the mood today. headaches are getting worse.  My ex is getting the last of her things today. it will be nice to finally close the door. there will always be things that we shared, and I am grateful for them. But it is […]

good morning my love. 13 years ago I made a decision. Besides the occasional social beer or two I have been booze free. I am not an alcoholic, tip toed on the edge of it for years but never fell. been falling a lot lately. failing falling tripping fucking up and burning bridges that guy […]

that scene where Amy Pond and the doctor take Van Gogh to see his art at the museum. that fucking scene. As he stands there and listens to the curator tell the doctor he is the greatest painter of all time. to hear that his passion and his pain were understood. As he stands there […]

sparse but thickly layered. richly minimalistic. didgeridoo, oh no you didgerididn’t I apologize for that but I have had that in my head for eons and had to see what it tasted like. pickle brine and turpentine moonshine I am back in that 80s synth, new wave gummi brain vibe new Beck playing loudly. far […]

losing track of things my dear friends been 2 days since I have slept. headache has not helped I am sure. Go to bed tired and think all night away. didn’t even set the alarm last night. could just tell how it was going to go. makes the words murky. like alphabet soup in my […]

this is a phantom post one intended to be deleted just a way to see the words that twinkle just out of focus I have, had, 100s of these. I call them roadblocks. ideas. not good enough, or I am not good enough more aptly, to hear the voice of, just whispers. sometimes I vent […]

Three days with the kids and suddenly this place is a morgue. Quiet. Too quiet. But thank goddess it is Monday. A fresh sheen on the weekly routine. A beginning to two weeks of solitary confinement with my head. A hellish torment until the kids return again.  Not sure if you have noticed but my […]

I love to gently kiss her track marks as she nods off on the couch. Like a connect the dots that makes the most beautiful portrait. My tongue goes numb on the freshest spots. She doesn’t even stir in her homemade coma. It makes me love her even more. I like to trace my tongue […]

Hello my dear friends. I have been a busy bee with all these words falling like drunken gophers from my silly little head. Too much to contain. Anywho. Decided to add my shitty fiction here as well. You can feel free to ignore it. I will mark them with a tale or some such shit […]

Thunder cracked in the distance. Seconds later the sky flashed and for a moment all was illuminated. Bodies littered the ground, carnage everywhere.  Then merciful blackness again. Purple afterimages of the dead lingering with every blink. The wind picks up as a cold rain begins falling.  The sounds of the dying interspersed with the wind […]

The ex is a wily creature. Preternaturally efficient at knowing the right time to strike. They sit coiled in the shadows, watching for moments of weakness. See also: demon, succubus, and dream crusher They come with flowery words and sinister intent. Somehow sensing that the last thing you need right now is the only thing […]

Stuck at the Discount Tire. A near death experience comes at a low price of 118.23. A steal. With prices like these who wants to Not take a risk? Fuck yes, socialism at its finest.  I wonder what else has the rush of life ending but an affordable price tag? Fast food is a silent […]

The show was fantastic last night. The opener turned out to be a local group calling themselves Cure for Paranoia. Very Chance the Rapper vibe from the MC. A lot of talent in him. Generic white guy singing generic reggae was meh and brought it down a bit for me. Would see them again in […]

I feel slightly calmer now.  Music is the key to taming the savage beast methinks.  A combination of Vince Staples and The Bronx is magic. Vince put out Big Fish Theory this year and it is wonderful. Yeah Right and Party People are bangers. The Bronx is just fucking amazing punk. Something about the bass […]

Hi.  Not gonna lie, I was done with this. Felt like the increasingly circular arguments my mind has been pursuing was too much. Retreading the same things, feeling the same feelings of disappointment, longing, not moving forward. Talked with a friend about it. He said don’t be a fucking quitter. Another told me she liked […]

Time is the great healer. Or some such bullshit. I did a pull up yesterday and it barely hurt so I think work outs are back on. Thank Goddess. At least I can fall back into the routine of that again. Knee hurts from nailing the steering column. But nothing terrible.  Kids and BadBadNotGood this […]

Maia and Dax, I hope you read this one day and see it is not always pretty. That daddy does know the words in the rap songs he accidentally mispronounces. Like Fuck. I am really good with that one.  But know when I thought I was gonna get smashed you two were right there in […]

There is no amount of kush on the planet that will take this edge off. Maybe an ocean of whiskey. Fuck beans that was a close one.  I guess this Being John Malkobitch life is good for something. You can live through my horrid existence and not have to get your shoes dirty. So far […]

Right? I am going a million miles a minute right now. Blowout on the highway going 75. Spun out. Nearly did not make it. Goddess fucking help me but that was close.  Never did that before. On ice sure. I saw that barricade bearing down and the truck as well. I was doomed. Fucking doomed. […]

So this dude at work has a major crush on me. I never really notice, terrible with signals and all, but it has become the source of the entire teams pleasure. They have pointed out how he walks by me multiple times a day. And giggles every time. I have headphones in and nearly no […]

The headache is gone! Until it comes back! Fuck. In this age of mass shootings and arcade style body counts, I find myself reminiscent for the good old days of the serial killer. They had class, took their time and always left delightful clues. They did things their won way, with impersonal touch and flair […]

One time, a long time ago really, I was postioned on a rock facing East and trying my damnedest to reach an enlightened state of zen consciousness. My chakras were aligned and my chi was positively fucking overflowing. My spirit began to hum in tune with the world around me. A dove landed on my […]

howdy ho buckaroos black shirt, silver bowtie. Mad pimpin today. look like a server at an over priced yet underwhelming restaurant. Feel about the same. Went back to a place I have sealed off for years. A place no one has access to but me. One only three people have known about in the last […]

The chorus arrived finally. Did not bring the end of the headache with it though. Even napped to see if that would happen then, but alas, nothing. The chorus was not what I wanted. It turned out to be meandering and sad and we were shooting for uplifting. Everything seems sad so a little good […]

I am sitting alone crying. Jay-Z on SNL. His second performance. No back drop. White t shirt. No acknowledgement of the crowd. Eyes closed.  He rapped his apology. I was blown away with the track on the album. So raw and emotional and honest. The first time I heard it was right around the break […]

When my eyes opened this morning and my best friend Mr Headache greeted me with a spiral concussive force good morning kiss I knew it was going to be a special day. My birthday is in a month. Another mile marker on the road of my life. Except for bad shopping days until my birthday […]

She stood in the hut, mist flowing around her. Light came through the faux grass roof in rays illuminating her. The combination of her smile, the mist and the rays of light froze time. I stared, trying to memorize every single detail. I knew this was a magical moment. The mist and the rays of […]

Good morning my loves. Been a couple of days. Been busy. Life happens.  This is hard to find the words for.  She is wonderful and amazing. Everything. I would do anything for this one. She makes me feel. A whirlwind that picks up the scattered pieces and makes them feel close to whole. That one […]

I can taste colors! I am at one with universe dear reader. Purple tastes like blue and blue tastes fucking phenomenal. I have achieved a state of coffee induced nirvana on par with a 12 day coke binge. I am a God! Or just sort of rattling by while vibrating. Six of one, half dozen […]

Good morning. How are you doing today?  Ever see a grown man in a red sequined dress offering blow jobs for coupons for the nail salon? Ever dance on the edge of the abyss with nothing but the beat of your own song to accompany the manic screams of the damned? Have you watched a […]

That title is gonna be misleading. I liked the play though. Maybe at some point I can make it fit in. Probably not. The headache has mutated and the chunk of skin Dax flayed from my scalp is not helping. Shit. He tried to fucking scalp me. Cowboys and Indians is not meant to be […]

Kids are gone. Emptiness somehow fills the room. The contradiction does not escape me. It feels oppressive after the laughter all weekend. Choir Recital tomorrow night so I get to steal a few more minutes. The feeling of loving them more than life itself and distance is like a blade between the second and third […]

Or not so fucking easy like a Sunday mourning. Cluster headache like a mug today my loves. Knew it was brewing all week. hoped to juke and jive my way out of this one.  it could be worse. ummm. Could be four spikes at once?  So today is the day of questioning all. It always […]

No Graham Crackers were hurt in the writing of this post. Hello my dear friends. Sitting here with the kids relaxing after another trip to get groceries. Stock up on the essentials for the sleepover. Cotton for the ears, wire ties, duct tape, 25 lb bag of lime, plastic drop sheets.  Wrong sleepover. Scratch that. […]

I have been lucky in my life to have singular moments that exist both in and out of time. Times that transcend known reality and seem to bend physics around them. Today was one of those.  It has been a long time since I had the honor of witnessing a true spectacle.  The last time […]

Sometimes I question myself, am I a hopeless romantic, or in the immortal words of Bouncing Souls, am I just hopeless? The eternal question. And cereally a great song by a great band from Jersey. The Toilet Song is a favorite of mine and the kids. YouTube that schnitt. So I went from talking to […]

hey. sup? Ever stare into the distance and realize whatever goal has been set is as far away as ever?  scratch that. not in the mood. I used to love riding my bike. Never understood how so many Miles in a bike kept me so fat as a kid. But I loved that feeling. Stephen […]

Good day my loves Amazing how things can change in the span of a fortnight. Back then I had two ladies I was interested in and an appendix. Now I have two more weeks until I can start thinking about working out and no prospects. And that feels like a good soft reboot.  Was talking […]

Hello my sweet. Not been a whole lot on the dating front. I am not quite to that point again. Rehab and mental exhaustion have almost killed the loneliness.  Or made it the centerpiece of a crown of thorns.  One or the other.  I have been trying to pick up the pieces but apparently am […]

Hello my dear friends Been quiet lately. Things have spiralled out of control as they are known to do. Everything is going to shit and I am just sipping a monster and watching it burn.  Dating is a bullshit, fools game that no one wins from. Like working for someone else. Or dreaming. Or having […]

Meh. Not much to report. Pain is low enough I am over doing it and making it worse.  Kids weekend. Sleepover Saturday for my daughter. Good times were had.  I have not been in a good place to seek the opposite sex. Don’t know if I do not want the hassle or the possibility. Sort […]

Story of my life right there. Everything escalates as it percolates and then encapsulates my mental real estates. It is a constant series of ups and downs. It may be hard to read, but it is nigh impossible to live. I am not suicidal. I have children. If I were suicidal I would be a […]

I am not doing well. My brain chemistry is way out of whack. I can feel it pressing down on me. This great depression filling everything with inky black tendrils of cold.  Not even Motörhead covering God Save the Queen is helping. Because fucking Lemmy is dead. Been binging Bowie and Lemmy. All the greatest […]

The last couple posts have been rather depressing. Probably because life has been pretty depressing. I am so far down rock bottom is inviting just for the breeze.  But I am high as fuck. Numb for the first time in days. It barely hurts to breathe.  So let’s talk. Easy Breezy. I love feeling fuzzy […]

Thus continues the tale of loss. I am in a shit ton of pain dear reader. it only hurts when  I breathe too deeply or try and move. And do not get me started on needing to take a dump.  For both of our sakes. But I am speaking from the future. this is about […]

Hi. Been all week. Sorry. I did mention I suck. Skip this if you have a happy feelings. Been a week and I feel like crying. Am crying. I hurt. Fuck. If you are smart check back next week. My cat died Tuesday. She was badass. Her name was Xiu Xiu, after a neat and […]

Hello my sweet. So, how was your weekend? Good, serves that cocksucker for daring to step to you. Way to show your inner badass on the outside for once. Fuck him and I hope his dog gets AIDS from a stray that sold itself to get more heroin. He needed that slap. Proud of you […]

Good day. Kids this weekend so rambling diatribes on art and kisses will have to pass for the next 2 days. Imagine this is how the weekend will go.  I am gonna meal prep the week with honey siracha chicken and veggies. Play a shit ton of Mario Kart with the two coolest people on […]

Miss me? That fucking headache nearly killed me dear reader. It was fucking close. I drank far too much Nyquil and slept for 14 hours. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. But you do not give two tugs of a dead dog’s cock about my head. No. You want to know how the date […]

Hi there schmoopy. Missed me? Missed you too. Bunches. You are my first thought in the morning and last before bed. Muah. So I tend to title before I wrote to give me some focus on a topic. If you have not noticed I am all over the place. It must be exhausting to be […]

Will wonders never cease? Been running fast and furious lately. I seen some shit man. Been there done that. Non sequitur. Random words. You feel what I am putting out here?  Motivational! Old Spanky is losing his shit here people. The lights seems dark and the dark feels dank. I saw the eclipse today Dear […]

You ever drive around with the music way too loud, no destination in mind, dear reader? I did that yesterday. Convinced myself I needed to commune with nature. Blah blah healthy. Blah blah spiritual. And I had an epiphany. of sorts. Epiphany means all the pollen crushed my fucking sinus cavity and made me it’s […]

Hey there buckaroos. Old Uncle Spanky has been a bit obsessed lately. Sorry if I have been distant and distracted.  See. there is this story I have had brewing for literally years. And the end came to me yesterday. I never knew the end. and it was so simple. not elegant but exactly what it […]

some days it is the gold mine. some days it is the shaft. Also, I have a date next Thursday. Even my phone tried to change that to dare. Fuck you Samsung. Fuck you fuck you!

So we meet again dear reader. Been a bout of the ups and downs this week. But the barometer has taken a sharp upwards tick.  This, of course, means the downfall will be that much more dramatic. Controlled plummeting is plummeting still. So it is with tepid at best expectations I have thrown myself into […]

Hello dear reader. How are you today? For good answers, read next. For bad skip one. That is great to hear! Nice to see you so chipper. I think you have a lovely smile and it makes me happy to see it. Brightens the room. Skip next paragraph. Who the fuck do I have to […]

It is amazing how good things can go and then one thing sends it spiralling into the fucking trash. The last couple of days have been wonderful. Time with the kids, relaxation and got to spend some time talking to a lovely stewardess. I should be floating across the ground. Instead, I am in black […]

Taking the next two days off of this insanity. No swiping. No chatting. Just gonna chill and enjoy time with my kids. Play some games and watch some GotG 2 and Supernatural. Need to detox. But I am thinking about you. You know you are always in the back of my mind like a spider […]

I feel like I am trapped in a Depeche Mode album. Everything is dreary and intentionally shitty for no reason. A week and a half and quite a few messages but no real leads. I have cone to the conclusion that I suck at this.  The idea that based on five pics and a page […]

So, well, ummm. See I have been talking to a couple ladies. Curiosity mostly. And I hoped to provide some interesting stories to you dear reader.  It has led to some intriguing talks so far. See, dear reader, when a man loves a woman. Nope. When a man serves a woman? See sometimes in a […]

I am not one to cast disparaging remarks upon the opposite sex, except in jest but honestly I will make anything into a joke. Anything. No matter how crass, before I have thought it I will say it.  Ask anyone who knows me. It is a condition. Another thing I hate about me but cannot […]

I have realized exactly what I am looking for in a mate. I want someone not afraid to strap on some wax and feather wings and fly too close to the sun with me. I want to feel the sun heat my body as the inevitable fall will cool it. I just want someone willing […]