Just Hopeless

Sometimes I question myself, am I a hopeless romantic, or in the immortal words of Bouncing Souls, am I just hopeless?

The eternal question. And cereally a great song by a great band from Jersey. The Toilet Song is a favorite of mine and the kids. YouTube that schnitt.

So I went from talking to two ladies that equally interested me to none because I think more was expected than I was willing to give. I had planned on retiring from the apps for a couple months. Living and finding the happiness within. Maybe knock out some self loathing. 

Then I saw Saul Williams. Not Saul Williams himself, what a fucking honor that would be. Dude is a genius. Spoken word, slam poetry, books, albums; he does it all and super fucking well. I have had an admiration for him for, fuck, 20 years I guess. 

I was looking at a potential match, 81% bitches, and saw Saul Williams. I stopped and scrolled up and gazed through the pics. This beautiful woman just dropped Saul in her profile. And a love for run on sentences.

I did what anyone would do. Wrote a run in sentence about not writing a run on sentences because it drives the ladies crazy. And mentioned my love for Mr Williams. I did this knowing full well I was swimming for outside my comfort zone. She is seriously fucking gorgeous. 

I am gonna disappoint the shit outta this one.

She is an artist. Such a fucking turn on. With a foul mouth. more and more of a turn on. And talented. Right? And I make her laugh. 

What was to be a swan song turns into a date next week. 

Ugh. Cue loud gulp and pulling at collar as if too tight.

I felt something fucking click with her. My mind is racing to find a way to both not and completely fuck this up. The kids are the only perfection I have ever seen that has remained true. This one feels damn close. 

Hopeless romantic or just hopeless?

Fuck me, right?

Am I grasping for hope or were the sparks actually there? I would talk to her all night not wanting to hang up. That says something I think. I feel a bit like a teenager. 

I am so gonna fuck this up somehow. It has taken all of my will to not text her today. I do not want to bother her. or become a bother period. Fuck. Shitty way to feel i guess. 

I wrote something yesterday off the top of my head. I had no idea what it was going to be and it came out super fast. it is on the morevenomfrommennenbach page. I think I am proud of it. it started off as a riff on a rap verse. and kept coming. It was inspired by talking with her about spoken word and honestly her spoken word floored me. I just vomited the piece fully formed. 

Meh. not shameless self promotion, I just really like the cadence and how the words stuck together.

love you guys. Love yourselves. love. ugh. 

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