happy endings are oxy morons, endings being inherently melancholy things even when a tale ends happily it is sad to let go of the world and characters that illicit those happy feelings bittersweet endings i can see happy not so much and i can’t think of a single ending in my life that was truly […]
one time, years ago at this point, i was alone at the bar, a pint of guinness and a shot of whiskey sat in front of me, the dark grain of the bar, combined with the thick lacquer reflecting the neon signs dimly back at me insert generic 70s song in the background, fading into […]
much to my dismay my eyes opened again this morning it has been weeks of this grainy black and white superlative existence the crackle of film as it rotates through the projector no one here speaks a tongue i can form not that i don’t understand the language per se it is that they speak […]
woke up with acid in the back of my throat my uvula dancing in the bubbling liquid stress of bad delusions bad mental health bad options spent so many days looking for silver linings i forgot what it means to be me there are none if things are looking up i’m most likely hanging upside […]
ladies and gentlemen thanks for stopping by the manic word depot the poet illterate is taking a much needed vacation he won an all expenses paid one way ticket to rock bottom a much needed relaxing trip in the bubbling pits of doubt and sorrow you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay […]
sometimes i look for a camera behind the picture frame this can’t be my life i fell asleep and woke up in the twilight zone as i slept rod serling came out and introduced my episode tonight we take all happiness and joy away from this man when he wakes up everything good will be […]
it’s been said that anger is a gift then that makes me woefully regifted restricted evicted and tossed out alive if patience is a virtue i must be virtuous but virtue is a saving grace saving face facing the consequences of sequential animosity anonymous the faceless face of infinity floating ever closer yet farther away […]
it was weird to hear my thoughts echoed from another’s perspective it’s strange to think the things i think are thought by others at all depression can be like standing in a wonderful wind tunnel you brace yourself from the onslaught and lean forward a bit the rest of the world is like smoke that […]
went to a psychic last night before you ask no i don’t believe in any of it all smoke and mirrors illusionary medicine to calm a weary mind she offered palm readings and tarot cards it smelled of incense and herbs in the small candle lit room she greeted me and took my hand and […]
buried in an avalanche of erectile dysfunction pills and princes who seek asylum the great deals only i have been selected to receive and the tax debt relief i didn’t know i needed under the auto warranties and mail order brides the dating sites and hot horny women in my area between car insurance rates […]
it’s starting again that feeling of racing a million miles an hour into a brick wall incessant mumbling in the back of my head it’s hot outside it’s hell in here the walls are bleeding it falls in thick globs onto the carpet black clouds of flies feasting occasionally taking on human form whispering dark […]
live laugh love linger lament loss languish lethargy liquefy limping longing lacking trademark my loneliness film a big budget blockbuster special effects for a lack of special affection doctor the script the dark secrets of the lone bastion of depression the last iceberg floating on ever warming seas of discontent the alliterative anxiety filled anchor […]
staring into the face of my own mortality today did i live the life i always dreamt when i was a little kid with dreams and aspirations was this where i thought i would be i didn’t make it to space or design the buildings people ogled i didn’t paint the ceiling of a cathedral […]
found a fortune cookie in the cupboard while searching for something to quell the savage rumbling i had been attempting to ignore been in bed all day reading couldn’t fathom a single reason to rise nor shine like a thick cloud layer over suburban splendor more aptly smog over an urban death zone just another […]
drifting around the drain the whirlpool of emotional dismay centrifugal forces and insecurities in a sort of guerilla war frame of mind hiding under twigs from oncoming enemy tanks ghili suit of unsent of messages half formed email dysfunction like so many discarded post it notes of longing lingering dossiers militarized pheremones half truth melodramas […]
she looked at me for a long moment, weighing the words before asking do you still hate me i don’t know what i expected her to say but it wasn’t that a swarm of knives flew around my mind unbidden, so many hurts and wounds and scars still forming no, not any more and never […]
i’m considering self lobotomy go full old school barbarism and drive a rod in through my tear duct eradicate the defective parts i hope that if we do it right the longing and sadness will disappear no more searching for the things i will never find erase the yearnings cause i’m at my wit’s end […]
with the rapidly depleting ice caps, my mental state has shifted to bi-solar i’d hoped it would melt away as well, as the final starving polar bears cling to shrinking icebergs maybe there would be a shift in me as well, no more polar ice caps, no more wild swings the longer days, the lingering […]
common courtesy, like common sense is not that common any more in this day and age of dying by inches and social media likes, of followers and following but going nowhere instead of trying our best to be better people we try our best at trying to appear our best when that is smoke and […]
crying into my shoulder as i attempt to make coffee, wanting to be alert for the misery that will keep sleep at bay the put me down of this everlasting misery more than the pick me up of this dark brown sludge, the black taint on my mind, this stabbing pain in my chest, this […]
this flow of unfavorable words will not cease, not give some feeling of triumph over tragedy, not give a sense of relief or release, not stop whispering evil things if the silence lasts more than a second i miss the one that got away, the ones that got away, the almost, the might have been, […]
flashes of metal, again and again, arterial spray, vivid and robust across everything crimson jets, mist and plumes, hot and fresh from the teat as these things go over and again, in brutal machine like efficiency that blade kept raining down longing for the days of the air hammer and rustic thump hiss thud of […]
made an appointment to see a doctor about my issues skipped it then thought about how a trip to a doctor could help my increasingly unstable state of mind what would i say if i actually went, that i am lonely, that it feels like the walls are closing in but it is even scarier […]
as the mushroom cloud erupts in the not so distance, the first shockwave sending the ground in front of me into ripples, the first wave of fatal radiation a heat flash making all who stand against into shadows falling to my knees and accepting the cleansing bath, the last full body orgasm before nothingness, sweet […]
they look at me with concern are you okay you seem down lately is something the matter your writings have been… well, it seems like something has been bothering you you write about your depression a lot why don’t you go out and do something, take your mind off of it stop thinking about it, […]
have a q-tip in my hand and the thought of just jamming it in as hard as possible keeps flashing through my mind was chopping vegetables for dinner and had to throw the knife across the room all i wanted was to drag it across my throat, down my forearms, carve your initials deep into […]
waves of anxiety and sorrow radiate from the core of my very being like a black talon around my heart knowing that the end of the long weekend of kids and life is going to close down and become the solitary existence again in less then three hours that the long drive home alone with […]
dreamt of you again last night woke up sick feeling like i did for weeks on end frantically checking to see if you texted or called or emailed me while my fragile body slept the weakness and necessity pull me from endless stares at a popcorn ceiling with the secrets of the universe and happiness […]
she spent an hour picking the perfect blooms delicate lillies and bright orange tulips two roses one pink one red two cards and a bottle of cheap vodka she set the vase by the window so the sun can shower it all day long the first card was lovely teal and purple hearts on thick […]
been four days still hurts to stand sit walk talk learned to cry softly so as to not disturb the center of anguish and gravity the best part of sorrow is the bottomlessness of it depression is a true perpetual motion machine it never stops moving slows for the peaks barrels to the valley but […]
remember when you would come over and we would get baked out of our minds kiss or listen to music just chill doing what we would do alone but with someone else it made it okay for like ten minutes or so then reality would hammer it’s way in and make everything just so bare […]
i’ve noted i’m telling the same stories over and over again moments of confusion an inability to do simple chores and tasks telling the same stories over and over again tempura deja vu lightly fried temporally in a wok telling the lame stories over and under again moments of contusion repetition the sky is gray […]
static fills the air the hair on my arms stands up a hum fills the room ossicles vibrate and form a bridge to the oval window like when the cicadas are out in force and it pervades everything all shakes on cue all shakes on cue i’m starting to think my imaginary friend is real […]
enter the darkened cave clean up the mess the kids left carefully unzip and remove the skin suit humanity leaves until they come back no one else wants to deal with this mess of a person they have no choice in the matter until they get older and by then i hope we have the […]
playing a game of hide and seek but when i go looking they didn’t just hide they pack their belongings and move to another state they have prior obligations past issues the carrot on the string is just a dowel rod painted orange but in this maddening hunger i don’t seem to care get a […]
i leave the walls of my apartment bare the soothing white walls are a haven for when the heavy depression settles in i can concentrate on them feed the bad into them and it goes away but in my mind it is a different scene altogether i hang pictures of the past of the never […]
if i ever take the time to control my laughter they will see my body fly swaying from the rafter if this pain does not subside and if this is all there is here let me fade into the night watch me as i disappear another day, another dollar, but fifty percent is gone in […]
he is crude curses like a sailor writes what he thinks as he thinks it doesn’t take the time to think it through it is how he is scenes open in his mind and he relates them as best he can not fantasies not really just sees images of things and tries to sculpt them […]
if i had it all to do over again knowing what i know the shit stacked against me, the broken hearts, battered soul and the way life beat me to a pulp i wouldn’t change a thing up to a certain point those two perfect kids i would go through every trial and tribulation exactly […]
up early making breakfast fried potatoes because maia has something against eggs scrambled eggs with spinach for dax because he hasn’t developed a thing yet made them bacon and now as the potatoes rumble in the bacon grease as food smells fill the air and stir them from sleep i have had my headphones in […]
i’ve grown accustomed to the idea of dying alone of trips to the hospital rehabbing from whatever surgery and saying no it’s just me hoping the kids come visit to break up the humdrum solitary existence not sleeping next to someone holding then tight when a nightmare strikes the nagging one of us me leaving […]
blind, tripping over everything including my tongue the blank picture in the yearbook as if sick on the day the photos were taken insert face here like a plane about to hit the mountainside while the pilot tells stories about his perfect record the perfect attendance record and a late case of mono numb fingers […]
it’s raining been a long day of writing between menial tasks a cat yowls outside miserable in the dampness poor little thing i’m so tired not sleeping thoughts whirling i miss my kitty ish she changed before she died she wasn’t the same never wanted cuddles just sort of did her own thing away from […]
when she left she took the dogs i’m not a dog person i got them for her because, at the time, i would have done anything for her and i grew to love them pains in the ass they were always needing to go out or needing attention like rowdy three year olds and when […]
one day this ragged dream will end history will determine whether any of it meant anything to anyone the beaten hero faces his final curtain call his blood spills out like the words from his pen and did he ever succeed reach the one he so desperately called out to the only answer to that […]
i almost did something today almost early morning tomorrow busy week ahead so when i made my excuses to my friend’s it was nearly believable nearly instead i hid shaved my head fought a headache wrote trash basic routine with the big schedule next week i plan on taking some much needed quiet time from […]
these hands are battered and scarred too many fights hard work from sketching the road map of a broken spirit along the empty corridors nothing but my shuffled feet to keep me company whispers from the dark call out to me sing lullabies slap the worthless from my heavy brow i couldn’t save anyone couldn’t […]
on repeat daisies of the galaxy by the eels jeannie’s diary just one page in jeannie’s diary it’s a motherfucker living without you one of my favorite albums mellow for the headache brooding for the heart ache can’t stop the thoughts today been one of those days again feels like an all time record for […]
the first time i dreamt about death i was four i saw myself on the table my parents, like so many back then didn’t think about the shows they watched in front of me didn’t take my high intelligence into the equation probably thought i was too busy playing with toys to see the things […]
i like to think of my failed suicide attempts as dress rehearsals or just planning stages not failures just getting the rhythm right the cuts the pills the misfires like jerking off before a big date get the bad ones out first so when the voices finally win when i reach my wits end i […]
agoraphobia is a fear of open places, trypophobia is a fear of holes, basophobia is the fear of falling i don’t have to deal with them but i know they are real i suffer from sedatephobia the fear of silence nothing screams as loudly as a quiet room i will go days without speaking not […]
baked muffins this morning the kids chowed them down i choked down the sadness as spring break comes to an end our last day together the silence calls again the void of a life alone for two weeks they don’t want to leave i don’t want to take them back they are the only lifeline […]
it isn’t really insomnia if it happens all the time it is a state of being made the mistake of letting my depression run free and it brought on a manic fit of would’ve could’ve should’ve instead of sleep so i wrote and wrote at the middle point i always think i will quit this […]
one foot in reality one in the void head in the clouds heart out on loan the crumbling masonry work, dust from every shift in the now settling space rumblings of divine misfortune a broken wine glass and pool of sticky red is the centerpiece of the table blackened flowers, wilted and benign the remains […]
wanna go visit this guy i know he has cut himself off from soceity sounds his time alone, a ghost in his own home rambles on and on about nothing has a thousand and a half stories most of them true some of them insane most do you have to hear about the quarter that […]
punch drunk from this constant ache eight more aspirin and a nap the life of half existence is hard relief, release, instead regret, remorse so i down the pills close my eyes whisper my love to the kids, to another if i die in my sleep those are strong last words words only i could […]
having a sad night one of those wish i were being held nights feathered indians by tyler childers faded by POS kills to be resistant by bully sound track of my mental state swore i would just go get a bottle of whiskey before doing this to myself again listen to sad songs and embrace […]
planning on spending the next couple days engrossed in work throw myself into it one of those find a reason to continue on sort of adventures in not wanting to curl up in a ball and die when i was a teen i stood on the railing of a bridge i watched the water beneath […]
went to bed tired but fought to fall asleep, woke up feeling like i was beaten and not in the good way actually went to bed, try and be normal for the kids as normal as possible maia asked me yesterday if i have given up given up i carefully repeated on having a life, […]
cue dramatic flourish spotlight centers on curtain out comes the shambling form of the idiot poet hands extended to crowd, open wound on chest, heart on fire on stool beside him no applause greets him he bows and blood spills out promptly he slips and lands on his rear roaring laughter slipping and sliding he […]
over used dopamine receptors, drained of happiness, an empty vessel where a human once sat rigor mortis and rictus grin resistance of reoccurrence, reticent, regretful, riddled with remorse head hurts from supple waves of silent misery forgotten, forbidden, fostered from frigid fate a strapping male with more scars than smile lines past his expiration date […]
i make check marks on the wall one for every mistake in bright red to the north one for every failure in blue to the south one for every hope in green to the east and for every dream that comes true in black to the west to the north it is a wildfire sweeping […]
i am not a gambler but I have been conditioned by years of sloppy play now i accept the hand dealt with no qualms of winning or losing been clubbed, used spades to bury the past, saw diamonds don’t always mean forever but never found the queen of hearts drowned in the river felt the […]
i sleep on the couch because the bed is too big it isn’t comfortable it is just the only place i can find solace i eat brown rice everyday because i don’t care it isn’t good it is just enough to make it through another day in hell i don’t live i survive i don’t […]
i am crazy all of these odes to love, to her, to things never quite in grasp all i do is scribble lies to turn attention from the insanity that grips me i am not the wizard of heartbreak i am the unloveable man behind the curtain spitting flowery prose to shine the light on […]
her ghost sat next to me on the floor she always loved to watch me meditate, wait until i was in a different place and whisper terrible things into my ear that didn’t change after she died of all my ghosts, her’s is the worst she led me to buddha with her insane ramblings of […]
it feels like a lead blanket has been draped across my chest breathing is difficult sensation has gone numb i feel a lump in the back of throat choking on the bittersweet feeling of nothingness an absence of all the weight of all this discontent, the open eyes stare at the crumbling ruins, a beauty […]
my heart is not broken i was wrong when i thought that it is a jigsaw puzzle waiting to be solved by some lucky lady a lovely lady sweeps into the room, brightens the darkness like a flare in the night i, being nocturnal, scurry away from the light, eyes squinting from the painful glare, […]
Sitting on the bridge alone, watching the waters flow. The swooping birds delicately dive for a swimming morsel. Like poetry in motion, the mechanics of wings catching thermals and predatory instincts. It has been cold lately and the water looks so serene beneath me. A cool wind stirs the treetops into a happy dance. The […]
said i wouldn’t write today but then i made a mistake and overshared it wasn’t the sharing that was the mistake probably, maybe, possibly it was the broken flood gates of memories, the levee cracked and with it came the thoughts another metaphoric poem about drowning it hurt to share those things with you, a […]
beginning the awkward reintegration into my own world again blowing the dust off of seldom used corners of of my mind found a box marked happy pushed way to the back under all the baggage that has accumulated a small crushed cardboard box on a shelf that had a childish scrawl and reads dreams so […]
i have come to a conclusion this voyage of loneliness, the futile search for someone to share this life of misery with is illusionary the she i have spent far too long looking for is an intangible thing like trying to catch sand with a net, no matter how tightly woven, the particulates are always […]
wanted an hour nap before dinner curled up in a ball and thought about you the entire time wished we were talking, laughing, declaring impossibilities to one another, sharing inner thoughts instead of rest i lay in the too cold room with too desperate musings on the state of having a muse once again on […]
i bought myself a valentine’s day gift today it is a knife holder in the shape of my dessicated heart now when i cook the meals i do not taste i can pull a blade out and in sustenance find a small piece of absolution and when i regret the food i consumed and clean […]
i don’t believe in anything any longer not gods or goddesses, not magic, not miracles, not fate or destiny or predestiny there is no one there to answer the prayers, the begging, the hopes, the dreams i want to, i wish there was more to this barrage of elemental destruction, mental disrepair, broken spirit and […]
cupid missed me yet again this year though i am beginning to doubt the veracity of his bow and arrow maybe the cherub took a blow to the head, got his sights mixed up, or maybe he just took to drinking the last couple times he struck it didn’t fly straight and true maybe it […]
loving her was like climbing a mountain of glass with two broken arms swimming through pirahna infested waters with open bleeding wounds walking barefoot across a desert of salt with the skin flayed from the soles of my feet yet effortless like wrestling a rabid badger while being mauled by a bear on cocaine tumbling […]
i have discovered the inescapable truth that i am a failure, it is as factual as needing to breathe, eat or drink water to survive i am the goldfish bellyup at the pet store, the glued together milk can at the fair, the tire blown out on the highway just a disaster of a person, […]
found the end of the line, the last great sip of discontent see i spend so much time sitting in the darkness waiting for some magical fix that makes the outside not seem so daunting, my thoughts not seem so haunting this river of emotion boiling over with endless miserable death defying indecision laying in […]
fever, burning up from the inside eyes strain and feel like they are boiling, the only source of heat in my shaking and frozen form pounding rhythm in my skull slept so much the green liquid just makes me feel like i am swimming through the act of staying awake eat an orange, citrus spray, […]
i disappeared into a bottle of Nyquil i had hidden from myself yesterday had spoken to a friend and she told me what she had been going through and it made me sad and she was so positive and i just got worse when you hear someone else’s pain and then look at your pain […]
can you remember a time without fear a time without sorrow can you remember what life felt like before loss before the bottom fell out the time when the world made sense, when truth was a real, when heroes existed and we aspired to be like them villians were cartoonish foibles, shadowy figures behind the […]
i may have missed my calling i have wasted so many words, so much time, seen so many things that seemed to be succulent insanity traversed through time and place to find myself fraudulently forward facing always looking back and drifting off into memories of things best left forgotten, of things that didn’t happen, of […]
Mike's Manic Word Depot 