a discerning eye for unapplicable appreciation

it was weird to hear my thoughts echoed from another’s perspective

it’s strange to think the things i think are thought by others at all

depression can be like standing in a wonderful wind tunnel

you brace yourself from the onslaught and lean forward a bit

the rest of the world is like smoke that coalesces and rolls around you

it’s there

but it doesn’t quite reach you

like you are a dead zone

an abyss

a human shaped void that most emotions would rather race past then roost with

but it isn’t that you don’t feel them

in fact depending on the stage you may feel them immensely for a spell

then it vanishes

poof

gone

then all that is left is the anxiety and searching for what you did to make it go away

usually nothing

it’s that feeling of taking a long elevator ride down

even after the car has stopped your stomach is still in mid drop sensation for a moment

or standing on highest floor of a skyscraper

the building is meant to sway in the breeze and it gently rocks beneath your feet so used to solid ground

depression doesn’t have solid ground

at best it has gentle currents

at worst it is a rocket propelled car with no safety harness you can only ride until it inevitably stops

due to gradual balancing out

or hitting a wall

usually a wall

but it is a singular sensation

a ball of worry burrowing into your center that no one else experiences

they do

probably more than you realize

but this insular ordeal is yours and yours alone

you can talk it out

but it isn’t the same for them if they even understand at all

i liken it to knowing a loved is sick and it isn’t looking good

depression is that feeling every time the phone rings

every notification

a beautiful dread

impossible to encapsulate and portray to another

for me it is the feeling of being a caged bird with clipped wings longing to fly but only able to hop

but there some people out there who will see that description and shake their head

and to you amazing ones

one day we’ll fly of our own accord

we shall soar weightless

this is where the depression pipes in

well they will

they deserve to

me

i’ll probably pen another hopeful line from the depths of hopeless sorrow

she’ll find it one day

and even if it is only for six or seven months

her being close will keep the demon silent

and i hope she is the one who understands when it rears it’s gnashing maw and just love me until it grows quiet again

are you there my dream

i need you

11 thoughts on “a discerning eye for unapplicable appreciation

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s