next time

she eyed me from across the room

my first assumption was she was looking at someone else

why would she look at me

i’ve seen me

and now that i’ve seen her she must be looking elsewhere

i feel like curling up in a ball

armadilloing my way through the building

nothing to see here but mild leprosy and advanced neurotical disorders

but i force myself to not run in and out

make eye contact with passing people

cringing as i do

do they see me the way i see me and is that me as revolting to them as it is to me

no one flinches

i nod and try to seem unthreatening

bald head, earrings, tattoos

i look like someone you wouldn’t want to mess with

i’m scarred but most of that is emotional

but i feel eyes on me still and try to casually look

don’t glare

don’t glare

not scary

it’s her again following me

maybe she thinks she knows me

as far as i can tell all bald white guys look the same

it is urban camouflage for the introverted extrovert

the conflicting description is not lost on me

trust me

ignore the world and seem nice and approachable

my mantra when i escape the self imposed solitary confinement

what’s that song in my head

the beat is driving my nuts

are you scrunching up your face

you know when you think deeply people think you’re angry

don’t be a statistic

wild in the streets by the circle jerks

don’t sing it now that you recognize it

think about calmer music

something smooth

make yourself smooth

is that slayer

you dumb bastard

then i saw her out of the corner of my eye

coming closer

she brushed against my arm and said hello as she passed

i forgot what i came for and in a moment of panic bolted

next time

we’ll do better next time

6 thoughts on “next time

  1. Personally, if I saw that guy in a room, he’d be the one I’d be looking at. Trying to catch his eye but knowing I’m not really worth it… but wanting to be regardless.
    I loved these lines: “armadilloing my way through the building –
    nothing to see here but mild leprosy and advanced neurotical disorders” Mind you, I’ve never seen an armadillo in real life, but I want to. And plus, I think you made up a word there and that makes me happy.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I tend to agree. I have a few myself. As in: were you aware that the giraffe has the same number of vertebrae in it’s neck as a human?
        This is the part where you become super impressed with my wide and varied knowledge… ha!

        Liked by 1 person

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