staring into the face of my own mortality today

did i live the life i always dreamt

when i was a little kid with dreams and aspirations

was this where i thought i would be

i didn’t make it to space

or design the buildings people ogled

i didn’t paint the ceiling of a cathedral

there was no poem that propelled me to fame

didn’t make me the poet laureate like maya angelou

or a bitter old man like charles bukowski

i never dissected the american dream and rolled in the filth of a thousand drug fueled rants

but i helped raise two diamonds

did my best to try and sculpt them and refine the facets of their minds

made and lost a lot of good friends

some i deserved and some i suckered

made love beautiful women far out of my league

made them scream my name in the throes of passion

but i probably made them miserable just as often

how do you weigh an ocean of tears against a desert of smiles

can you

i don’t know if i can

is my soul as light as a feather

or worthy of a host of angels

does it even exist

an afterlife or a soul

damned if i know

probably damned for doubting

but the only ones that know have already crossed that veil

and i’m not sure that’s a trip i feel like taking

still have some tears to cause

and pleasure to give

and i’d like to bounce some grandkids on these ache filled knees

spoil them rotten and then send them home hopped up on sugar

maybe finally pen that one that gets me fame and recognition

or find that one that understands who i really am

sees through the bluster

past the scars

both visible and hidden

who am i kidding

she probably doesn’t exist

this is my daydream

an oasis in that desert of smiles

a lifeboat on the ocean of tears

just another carrot to keep this donkey tilling the fields of a formerly fertile salted land

standing at the edge of the cliff

contemplating my own mortality