amatuer self saboteur

made an appointment to see a doctor about my issues

skipped it

then thought about how a trip to a doctor could help my increasingly unstable state of mind

what would i say if i actually went, that i am lonely, that it feels like the walls are closing in but it is even scarier outside without the walls, that makes no sense, and everyone feels lonely, and it doesn’t matter that i don’t matter, nothing matters

put it on the back burner and wrote instead

had a dream i was on pills and everything was great

forgot about it until i was lying in bed staring at the ceiling wondering what i could do to get rid of this fucking feeling of sinking, of needing release

made the decision to get a big bottle of vodka

figure if i can get really shitty drunk and fall asleep before i start thinking i can get a night’s sleep, not looking for good, just looking for sleep that equals more than four hours uninterrupted

got up, made coffee, worked out, and then spent five minutes getting dressed and another three and a half hours with my phone in pocket and keys in hand working up the courage to open the door

stood up and forgot what i was going out to buy

sat back down and watched skateboarding videos and news and listened to those same three fucking albums again

remembered vodka

then remembered how lately my metabolism is all fast and furious and no matter how drunk i get two hours later i have a headache and no buzz

but the day was gone and the liquor store was closed so it didn’t matter anymore

working out is good for fixing brain chemistry, or so i read

woke up and made coffee, while it brewed i worked out, like i always do, then it hit me this was my routine and it isn’t working, hasn’t worked yet, shit

sunshine is great for stimulating good thoughts

went for a three mile walk that turned into five that turned into sitting on the couch and writing and reading more cures for faulty wiring in the brainpan

realized i was in a rut and tried to make an appointment to see a doctor, the receptionist said i had missed the last five that i scheduled

that didn’t seem right until i realized i had skipped all five, apologized and hung up

signed up for a study but since i refuse the pills that get offered that i think i need but never will take i didn’t qualify for because i am an amateur saboteur of the personal variety so i bought that big bottle of vodka

two hours later, head pounding and completely sober i began to question my methods

so i did what anyone with half a brain stem would do, wrote more

it doesn’t seem to be working, but i read exercise and sunshine could help

deja vu

looked back and saw that i had written a ton, all garbage, all drowning and spiralling, all big words and tectonic flow, no clue why or what, just knew from the vacant declarations that it was my voice

listened to those same three fucking albums again and again

bully and open mike eagle and grave pleasures on repeat

also realized when i stop and it is silent i still hear them, so ingrained and overplayed that they were part of the chorus of whispering needs and hopeless cures for the thing that just scratches and claws my psychic prison

a prison of my own design, my own demise, my own detritus, my own desire, my own despite not wanting it and looking for a way out that is just another way back in

maybe i should call and make another appointment so i have something to skip, skip, skip to my loss my darling

woke up, made coffee, worked out spent five minutes getting dressed, then spent thirty more changing shirts because nothing fits right because of all the working out and the new smaller frame, then sat on the couch with my phone in my pocket and keys in hand and tried to will myself to go outside

maybe music will help, what to choose, what to choose, already chose

today will be different

today will be more of the same

today will be wondering if i am insane, wondering why i don’t capitalize the i when referring to myself, lower case i for a lower caste i, the emphasis is not on me

the emphasis is not on i

the amateur self saboteur, the wrecking ball of mine own destruction, the emphasis is on

may be a bottle of vodka and some dime store self help teachings

sunshine and exercise is a way to exorcise the demons

first to make some coffee

did i have somewhere to be today

probably nothing important

maybe some writing and music will calm the savage beast

what to play, what to play

close my eyes and hear the beat, that sounds nice

even though it all sounds the same

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