Mona Seethes

“He sat at his desk, jowls quivering in rage.” “What are you doing?” “He glared at his former best friend with ill intent.” “Mona. What the fuck. You are still my best friend.” “He shouted at her, face flushed a deep shade of crimson. Ripples dancing across his porcine body.” “Fine. I do not care.” […]

Boldly Going Mona

“Well good morning Mona.” “Ugh.” “Not often I beat you to work. Late night last night? Seems rather uncharacteristic for you on a Sunday.” “Long weekend.” “Really? You didn’t mention any plans this weekend.” “I don’t have to tell you about everything I do Mike.” “I’m not saying you do. Just seems suspicious is all.” […]

Debonair with Mona

“Good mor… what the fuck are you wearing?” “Excuse me?” “Is that a bowtie?” “Yes.” “And a vest.” “Astute this morning Mona.” “Who died?” “Whatever do you mean?” “I mean, who died? You wear the same five ugly ass shirts that barely qualify as business casual every week.” “No one died.” “Are you up for […]

Valleys with Mona

“Good Morning.” “Uh huh.” “How many days has it been?” “Since what?” “You’ve slept.” “Three.” “At this point the debilitating effects of sleep deprivation start.” “Yay?” “Not yay. Are you still sick?” “Sort of.” “Sort of?” “Nah. I’m good.” “Which is it?” “Which is what?” “Are you sick or better.” “Yes.” “Asshole. I care. Lord […]

Manic with Mona

“Hello?” “Hey Mona.” “What?” “What what?” “Why are you calling me at this hour?” “What hour is it?” “Three in the morning.” “Oh shit. How the hell did it get so late?” “Are you drunk?” “Are you drunk?” “I was asleep.” “Well that just seems like an acceptable act at three in the morning.” “What […]

Black and Blue and Mona

“Good morning. Oh. What the fuck happened to your face?” “Is it noticeable?” “You have a black eye and your lips is swollen. It is slightly noticeable.” “There was an altercation.” “Tell me the other guy looks worse than you.” “No.” “No? You didn’t fight back?” “No.” “What happened?” “Do you remember the girl from […]

Mona’s Disappointed

“—” “Um. Mona.” “What.” “Good morning.” “I’m mad at you.” “For what?” “What was the rule?” “Don’t sleep with Mona’s friends.” “Why was that a rule?” “They are vampires and will suck the life out of me.” “And what did you do?” “Not slept with Mona’s friends.” “No. You did worse.” “I didn’t do anything.” […]

Tendencies with Mona

“Good morning.” “Seven.” “Seven what?” “Assholes cut me off this morning.” “And you lost all trace of common courtesy?” “I don’t know if I had the slightest trace to begin with. Is that like con science?” “Con science? What the fuck it that?” “Hell if I know. That thing that makes you feel bad for […]

The Crew and Mona

“Good morning.” “Morning Mona.” “You seem chipper.” “My work bestie met my outside work besties. It was a momentous occasion.” “It was?” “It wasn’t?” “They were nice.” “Uh oh.” “Well. They were different.” “Oh yeah. For sure.” “What did you tell them about me?” “Your name and we work together.” “That’s all?” “Yep. Why?” “Well. […]

Mona’s Idiot

“Good morning.” “But is it?” “A good morning? Sure.” “Hmmm.” “What happened?” “I don’t even know how to describe it.” “You don’t know how to describe something? Hold on, I need to jot this down on my calendar.” “For what?” “Do you know how rare it is when you are at a loss?” “Somewhat often?” […]

Mona Becomes Family

Three years and fifty one weeks ago “Good morning.” “I’ve made a huge mistake.” “Is this how we start our morning?” “With you being pleasant and me running from crisis to crisis? God, I hope not.” “What crisis?” “I’m an idiot.” “It’s only been a week but I think I can agree to that statement.” […]

First Day with Mona

“Good morning.” “Hi! How are you?” “I’m doing well.” “Awesome. I’m Mike. Looks like we are going to be sharing this room together.” “It does. I’m Mona.” “Is your middle name Lisa?” “What? Oh. No.” “Get that a lot?” “No.” “Oh. Seems like an obvious question.” “I guess it does.” “I’m sorry. I’m rambling. I […]

Back to Normal with Mona

“Good morning!” “Sure.” “What’s wrong?” “The hospital sucked.” “They do.” “But…” “Oh no. What did you do?” “Did I ever tell you how much I like scrubs?” “The clothes or the TLC song?” “Both.” “No. You never mentioned that. Either.” “And you know what the nurses all wear?” “Please tell me you didn’t…” “So this […]

Mostly Monaless

“Hello?” “—” “Mona?” “—” “What in the hell? Hello!” “Hello Michael.” “Hello? Who’s there?” “I’m hurt. You don’t know who I am?” “There’s no one there.” “Isn’t that how you always described me? An absentee father?” “I doubt it. The only one I ever describe like that is…” “Go on…” “No.” “Come on.” “No way.” […]

Hurting With Mona

“Good morning.” “No.” “Excuse me.” “I said no.” “I heard that.” “Okay.” “I’m meant what do you mean?” “Not today Mona.” “Not today what?” “I’m not feeling up to our normal routine.” “What happened?” “Nothing. You want coffee?” “Tea. And an explanation.” “Tea it is.” Some days things go from bad to worse. Some weeks […]

A Cup for Mona

“How did it go?” “Good morning to you too.” “Damn it Mike. How did it go?” “I got so shitty drunk. And remember that waitress with the brown eyes? Let’s just say she has a third. And I saw it. And it was just as pretty.” “Look here mother fucker. You know what I’m asking […]

Two Weeks Without Mona

“Two weeks?” “It’s called a vacation Mike. I’m entitled.” “But what about me?” “What about you?” “What am I supposed to do for two weeks?” “Listen to music. Find your center. Fuck yourself. Honestly it is all whatevs.” “Hurtful. And whatevs?” “Honest. We have been in this shitty little room for an entire year together. […]

Punctuation Talk With Mona

“Good morning sunshine.” “It is definitely fucking morning.” “Get up on the wrong side of the bed?” “Got up period.” “Uh oh. Someone’s a mister grumpy puss today.” “Is this what we are doing today?” “Seems like it.” “I say no.” “You’re out voted.” “How? There are two of us. If anything it is a […]

Deflecting Mona

“How are you holding up Mikey?” “I’m good. Why, what did you hear? Did a doctor call and say something?” “A doctor? No. Wait. Why would you ask that?” “Why would you ask how I am holding up?” “What about a doctor?” “How am I holding up?” “What the fuck is happening?” “Gut instinct to […]

A Booger and Mona

“Why do you have that look on your face?” “What look?” “The cat that stole the canary look.” “I do not.” “You most certainly do.” “Chainsaw called me on the way in.” “That is never good.” “It most certainly is not.” “So why the satisfied smirk?” “I have never once in my life smirked.” “You […]

Mona’s Mad

“—” “Good morning to you too.” “—” “It has been a week. You can’t still possibly be mad at me.” “—” “I said I was sorry. I made a mistake.” “You had sex with Judy.” “She speaks.” “You are an asshole.” “I am.” “Why did you have to have sex with Judy?” “It is complicated.” […]

Mornings With Mona

“Good morning sleepy head.” “Argh.” “Bad night?” “Rargh.” “Too much drinky drinky?” “Meh.” “I love our morning chats.” “Bleh.” “Go get coffee. Leave the caveman in the break room.” “Sazzafrazz. Rogga.” “Yes please. Hazelnut creamer if there is any left.” “Rah.” “No. I already ate. Thanks though.” “Bleh.” I’m not quite the morning person I […]

Serious With Mona

“I’ve decided something Mona.” “What?” “I don’t believe in love.” “What do you mean?” “I think it is fake. A sham. Created by man to control the populace. Like the Bible.” “Whoa. Like the Bible.” “Yeah. It is all mind control.” “So love and the Bible are fake.” “Exactly.” “What brought this on?” “Which one?” […]

A Bonus Mona for a Sunday

“Weekend work? Are you fucking serious?” “Don’t get me started. I had to cancel brunch with Trudy to be here.” “Brunch?” “Yes. What?” “Well. Just make up your mind. Sleep in and have a leisurely lunch or be a grown up and get up too damned early on a day off and make pancakes.” “You […]

Fantasy With Mona

“My head is killing me today.” “Another headache?” “That or there are some pissed off dwarves mining for gray matter.” “Dwarves?” “It is possible.” “Your dungeons and dragons is leaking out again Mike.” “Can I throw a saving roll against headaches?” “I don’t know what that means.” “See you figure out based on my dexterity […]

A Wake For Mona

I held a wake for Mona at work today. Informed everyone she had died in her sleep the night before. The boss brought in donuts and we sat together in the break room. Marie was inconsolable. “We gather to mourn the loss of my best friend. My partner in crime. Mona. She was the best. […]

Sex Talk With Mona

“Guess who got laid last night?” “Oh God.” “That’s right.” “That poor girl.” “Now that is just hurtful.” “That isn’t what she said.” “Ouch.” “And again” “Okay. No need to be mean.” “That’s what you said when you pulled it out.” “God damn it Mona. You’re killing my buzz here.” “Sorry. It’s been so long […]

Dating With Mona

“I’ve got a date tonight.” “A real date, or one of those sort of dates that is really an excuse for sex?” “A real date.” “With whom?” “With whom? Hoighty toighty. With whooooom.” “This is reaching my limits of interest, Mona.” “Marie in accounting.” “Lazy eye Marie?” “I like to think she is multitasking Marie.” […]

Mona

i wrote a series of dialogues with a fictional co-worker named Mona. just little things to entertain myself. this is the first. they are real stories of me and other co-workers, but with her instead. i’m touching them up because i like them. not all names were changed, screw the innocent “I quit.” “Quit what […]