Boldly Going Mona

“Well good morning Mona.”

“Ugh.”

“Not often I beat you to work. Late night last night? Seems rather uncharacteristic for you on a Sunday.”

“Long weekend.”

“Really? You didn’t mention any plans this weekend.”

“I don’t have to tell you about everything I do Mike.”

“I’m not saying you do. Just seems suspicious is all.”

“Suspicious how?”

“Well I distinctly remember asking you if you had any plans this weekend.”

“Okay.”

“And what was your response?”

“I said I didn’t have any.”

“Interesting.”

“Oh is it?”

“It is.”

“And why is that?”

“Because, Mona. Because.”

“So I went out. Big deal.”

“Mmmhmmm.”

“What crawled up your ass?”

“You lied to me Mona. We never lie to each other.”

“I did not.”

“Oh my dear Mona. How the tables have turned.”

“This does feel like role reversal. And I don’t like it one bit.”

“Not so comfortable when the shoe is on the other foot, is it?”

“Wait. Why are you acting this way?”

“Because I know.”

“You know what?”

“Where you were.”

“Bullshit.”

“Oh no my friend it is in fact, umm, shit. I should have something here. Give me a minute.”

“Where was I then?”

“Hold on. What is the opposite of bullshit?”

“Prime rib?”

“Hmm. I guess. Fuck. It lacks the dramatic zest I was looking for.”

“I don’t know then.”

“Gold! This is in fact not bullshit but solid gold!”

“Gold?”

“Well if bullshit is worthless.”

“It’s a stretch.”

“It is a stretch. I was not prepared.”

“You really weren’t.”

“I had this whole thing planned out and then it just unravelled.”

“It really did.”

“I was right there too.”

“You really weren’t.”

“I mean close.”

“Meh.”

“Somewhat.”

“Nope.”

“C’mon.”

“A little.”

“Yeah I was.”

“So where was I?”

“Oh ho! You boldly went where no one has gone before.”

“God damn it. Who told you?”

“I wasn’t told.”

“Then how did you know?”

“That you have been hiding the fact that you go to Star Trek conventions from me?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you are a Star Wars fan.”

“Was that derision?”

“It was.”

“I like both.”

“Impossible.”

“No. I go both ways.”

“That’s what I heard.”

“Don’t turn this around on me Mona.”

“That isn’t what he said.”

“What? Oh. Yeah. Good one.”

“Right.”

“Explain this picture of you dressed like Uhura.”

“Where did you get that?”

“Uh huh. You make fun of me for dungeons and dragons. For video games.”

“For how you dress. For your taste in music.”

“I have good taste in music.”

“Meh.”

“But. But.”

“Who sent the picture?”

“A Ferengi.”

“Who?”

“Chainsaw.”

“No.”

“Yep. He called me on Saturday.”

“He was there?”

“Yes he was. And oh how he was surprised to see a certain lady friend of his.”

“Shut up.”

“His first words were if he hadn’t seen your shoes before he would never have known you were a lesbian.”

“What’s wrong with my god damn shoes?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“It always comes back to the shoes. I need to go shopping.”

“We can go together.”

“I am not going to the Vans store with you again.”

“Why not?”

“You spend too long shopping and buy too many pairs of shoes. It is annoying as hell.”

“What are you saying?”

“You shop like a woman.”

“Sexist.”

“I am not.”

“Borderline racist and sexist. It is not a good look.”

“Do not start that shit again.”

“Don’t make this about me. This is about you being a lying liar.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t know how you would react.”

“Mona, I’m a geek. This is cause for celebration.”

“I’m not a geek.”

“You dressed up at a Star Trek convention.”

“I’m not that much of a geek.”

“You own a regulation Star Fleet science officer outfit.”

“Oh God.”

“It’s fine. It’s the lie that is the sin.”

“I’m sorry Mike.”

“For the lie or for judging me all this time while harboring a dark secret?”

“The lie.”

“I would have gone.”

“Really?”

“For sure. Hot chicks dressed like aliens? That shit is hot.”

“It was a real smorgasbord.”

“I know. Chainsaw sent a ton of pictures.”

“Why didn’t you go with him?”

“There was an incident a few years ago at a comic convention.”

“An incident?”

“This is not about me!”

“But an incident?”

“Some children opened the TARDIS and saw more of the Doctor than they really should have.”

“In a TARDIS?”

“More room inside than outside.”

“Was it with Rose?”

“No. Amy Pond. Those boots and that skirt. We incorporated a sonic screwdriver into the fun.”

“Which Doctor were you?”

“The Fourth.”

“Baker? With the scarf?”

“You know your Doctor Who.”

“I may have left that out as well.”

“I don’t even know you.”

“Yes you do drama queen.”

“Are you really a lesbian or do you just wear the shoes?”

“Fuck off Mike. I’m going shopping at lunch.”

“Hahaha. So how was it?”

“I wish you had been there.”

“Why?”

“So many creepy guys.”

“A swarm of sweaty virgins all feasting upon you in your knee high boots?”

“They wouldn’t know what to do with a lady without a Star Fleet manual.”

“Get some phone numbers?”

“They tried.”

“Take a lot of pictures?”

“They did that thing where they put their arm around you but don’t actually touch you.”

“The arm hover.”

“Is that what it is called?”

“Yes.”

“My outfit smells like desperation.”

“I bet.”

“This one guy followed me around for three hours. He kept trying to get my number so I could join his ‘fan club’. He wants me to come in my full outfit next weekend.”

“Are you going to?”

“Really?”

“You should. Give them something to brag to their friends about.”

“No.”

“I’ll go with. We can have Chaingun where is Ferengi outfit.”

“Definitely no.”

“It’ll be fun.”

“It really won’t. I made the mistake of posting the pictures online.”

“Online?”

“On Facebook.”

“You have a fucking Facebook page!”

“Oh. Um. Yeah.”

“And we aren’t friends?”

“I don’t really use it much.”

“You’re embarrassed of me.”

“No. Sort of. No.”

“So much deceit.”

“It isn’t like that.”

“It’s because I’m a reverse Oreo isn’t it?”

“Oh shit. I’m sending you a friend request now.”

“Like that is going to make up for the years of lies. Oh hey. Just got it. Accepted.”

“Happy?”

“I’m not sure. Sweeten the deal.”

“Tamales?”

“Now you’re talking.”

“You are so easy.”

“That’s what she said as she pulled me by my scarf into the TARDIS.”

“Was it hers?”

“No.”

“I bet the owner was pissed.”

“Surprisingly not. He was happy it was finally christened.”

“He wasn’t.”

“He really was. Took our picture and everything.”

“He didn’t.”

“Look in my pictures.”

“Oh my God. She was a really good Amy Pond.”

“That she was.”

“Is that Chainsaw dressed as a Dalek?”

“Yes.”

“Dude gets around.”

“He does indeed.”

“So now we are completely open and honest with each other.”

“Finally.”

“One more thing.”

“Okay.”

“I like Star Wars a little bit too.”

“Leia in the bikini?”

“It was how I figured out I was a lesbian.”

“Me too.”

“I shouldn’t have kept it from you.”

“No. The shoes gave it away.”

“Asshole.”

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