Mona’s Idiot

“Good morning.”

“But is it?”

“A good morning? Sure.”


“What happened?”

“I don’t even know how to describe it.”

“You don’t know how to describe something? Hold on, I need to jot this down on my calendar.”

“For what?”

“Do you know how rare it is when you are at a loss?”

“Somewhat often?”

“Mike, you never shut up. You once spent forty three minutes describing the difference between hardcore and crust punk to me.”

“They are radically different sub genres.”

“Fine. You once went on a thirty minute rant about why the best hip hop comes out of Minnesota.”

“Doomtree! Rhymesayers Entertainment!”

“Yes. I know now.”

“People think it has to be down south, east coast or west coast. The Midwest is a hot bed of creativity.”

“So you explained. In great detail. What about when you spent that whole morning mourning the death of the Japanese Role Playing game?”

“Just because Western games sell does not mean we need to abandon an entire culture of gaming.”

“Yes. I’m aware. Now. Unfortunately. So who is she?”

“Who is who?”

“You only get lost when it comes to a woman you like. Or when someone praises you.”

“Both reasonable points.”

“So which one is it? Love or did someone say something nice and confuse you?”

“Have I become so transparent?”

“Mikey, you have always been transparent. You just talk a good game and have this knack for distracting me.”

“Fine. It’s a she.”

“It usually is. What did this meanie with a vagina do to you?”

“Are you making fun of me?”


“I’m in need of support and you mock me. The nerve.”

“Like you’ve never mocked me.”

“Name one time.”

“When we got those atomic wings.”

“I did not mock you.”

“You most certainly did. You laughed until you cried after telling the server to lie and say the water was shut off temporarily. I stuck my tongue in the margarita and you howled.”

“I don’t recall howling. And that wasn’t mocking.”

“Oh really. And what is mocking?”

“Oh really. And what is mocking?”

“I don’t sound like that.”

“I don’t sound like that.”

“I like it when my girlfriend eats my ass and then kisses me with tongue.”

“Good morning Marie. Can you believe the things Mona is saying to me this morning?”

“You seem to be rubbing off on her.”

“One time. She was passed out. And it wasn’t on her exactly. Just in her vicinity.”


“Bye Marie.”

“You knew she was coming.”


“You set me up.”


“The rubbing off thing was a joke. Right?”


“Oh my God Mike.”

“Can we get back to me now?”


“So this lady always seems to be flirting with me.”

“You are notoriously bad at detecting flirting. She must be pretty obvious.”

“I am not.”

“You are. Remember the waitress?”

“She was trying for a tip.”

“That bartender with the tattoo on her chest?”


“She kept giving you shots. You asked her why and she said to get you drunk and take you home with her.”

“A big tip?”



“So this one always flirts with you?”

“All the time. So I asked her out.”

“Look at you with the big boy pants all of a sudden.”

“… big boy pants all of a sudden.”

“Do I sound like that?”

“A little.”


“Hey, I’m the one who has to hear it all day.”


“Now you’re mocking Marie?”

“Just agreeing.”


“So you asked her out?”

“And she said no.”


“None given.”

“Just a no?”

“Firm decline.”

“And then what?”

“She started flirting again.”


“That’s what I thought.”

“So what are you going to do?”




“Why not?”

“I don’t think I care anymore.”

“You don’t care anymore yet you wasted a good chunk of our morning on it.”

“I guess so.”

“You’re wishy washy.”

“What does playing hard to get mean?”

“What do you mean?”

“She said no. And I said okay. Then she said she was playing hard to get.”

“That means she us playing a game and wants you to pursue anyway.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Is it?”


“You’re one of the smartest guys I know. But you are dumb as shit.”

“That makes sense.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Not pursue.”

“Good move.”


“Who is she?”

“This girl I used to date named Ellie.”

“Used to?”

“She kind of broke my heart once. Or three times. And then she always comes back.”

“And you asked her out. Again.”

“She’s a weakness.”

“Don’t do it.”

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re probably right.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I’m your idiot.”

“Oh. I don’t want you.”

“Is that hard to get?”

“Impossible to get.”


“This girl really messed with your head, huh.”

“Yeah. She does.”

“If she hurts you I will hurt her.”

“So I am your idiot?”

“I guess you are.”

“Yay me.”

“So scissoring…”


“I brought these Barbies for you.”

“Oh my God. It’s like lesbian Christmas for me.”

“Okay now watch, this is how it works…”


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