Fantasy With Mona

“My head is killing me today.”

“Another headache?”

“That or there are some pissed off dwarves mining for gray matter.”


“It is possible.”

“Your dungeons and dragons is leaking out again Mike.”

“Can I throw a saving roll against headaches?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“See you figure out based on my dexterity what I need to roll to avoid the dwarven invasion.”

“Is that English?”

“I have my dice somewhere in my bag…”

“You carry your dice with you?”

“Don’t judge me Mona. You never know when an impromptu game is going to happen.”

“Like in the break room.”


“You really believe that the guys in accounting are just going to pull up a chair and ask you to play?”

“Well not accounting. Ned and Ted are not nearly sophisticated enough to get the subtle nuances of a good session.”

“Subtle. Nuances.”

“There is more to it than just rolling dice. It is a play that unfolds carefully. A ballet.”

“Eww. Now I am imagining you in a leotard.”

“Grrrrowl. Make that bulge bigger.”

“In my head it is a camel toe.”

“More like a moose knuckle.”

“Moose knuckle?”

“Yeah. Ladies have camel toes, men have moose knuckles.”

“And your girl Selene?”

“Mind flayer.”

“What is that?”

“Humanoid with a squid head. Tentacles hanging from their faces.”

“I can see that.”


“You really are just a big old nerd.”


“Geek? Not nerd?”

“Geeks have a big interest in cultures like games and books. Nerds just study.”

“Put some thought into this?”

“We talked about it during a session.”

“Tell me it was with a psychologist. Please.”

“Yes it was. Dr Chainsaw, DM.”


“Dungeon master.”

“And you are single still?”

“I know, right?”

“You just have to find your elven miss right.”

“Too many orcs storming the castle lately.”

“I’ve seen Lord of the Rings and still feel dirty getting that.”

“Fuck Tolkien.”

“I don’t want to know why. I don’t. Fuck me. Why?”

“He was a hack.”
“Most of the world disagrees. I have seen all six of the movies. They were pretty awesome.”

“I refuse to see them on principle.”

“On principle.”

“Yes Mona. I have some principles. This is one.”


“I read the books because everyone said they were awesome. Liked the Hobbit. Then the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Three long ass books.”


“Get all the way to the end for the epic showdown with Sauron. I am at the edge of my bed. I cannot wait to see how he winds up this tale.”


“More like total fucking bore. What do our heroes find? An empty fucking throne. Then they toss the ring in lava and hop onto a boat to the new world.”


“Yes. Like jerking off and losing interest right before you come.”

“Not exactly like that.”


“Let me stop you. I looked it up. It is tomato tomahto. Not tomato potato.”

“Meh. Potato Miscatto.”

“You still manage to mess it up. Even with instructions.”

“A secret talent.”

“I’m sure you believe that. What other principles do you hold so vaunted?”

“Never seen the Neverending Story for one.”

“I loved that movie. It was a huge part of my childhood. Why would you deprive yourself?”

“Two hours and ten minutes.”

“I don’t follow.”

“That is how long the movie is.”

“What in God’s name does that have to do with anything?”

“False advertising. Like a push up bra but in movie form.”

“Are you serious?”

“Deadly. Do not tell me it is never ending and fucking end it. The goddamned Lord of the Rings movies were like six hours a piece.”

“That vein is popping out in your forehead again.”

“Is nothing sacred? Should be called the relatively long run time story.”

“I hate myself for getting you started.”

“Principles Mona. Without them we are no better than animals.”

“You have issues Mike. Deep seated issues.”

“Comes from growing up in the hood.”

“The far suburbs.”

“An outcast.”

“Surrounded by white people.”

“A loner in a world he was too sweet for.”

“Literally around your cousins.”

“A stranger in a strange land. Forced to adapt. To become something more.”

“Surrounded by farm land.”

“I woke up to gunshots.”

“Hunters. They were hunters.”

“I didn’t know if it was going to be my last day.”

“It wasn’t. It definitely wasn’t going to be your last day.”

“My mother gave birth to me in prison. She was a black panther.”

“That is Tupac.”

“I had to carry a heater with me wherever I went.”

“Gloves? A scarf?”

“It was hard living that thug life. Never knowing when I would have to pour a forty out for a dead homie.”

“You are just lost in this make believe land, aren’t you?”

“Fuck the police. For the motherland.”

“You are white. So very white.”

“One time I left my wallet in El Segundo.”

“Tribe Called Quest. Really?”

“I gots to get it. I gots gots to get it.”

“I hate you.”

“Hatin and perpetratin. I’m used to it dear friend. Sadly used to it.”

“Not even Eminem white. Just regular Crayola white.”

“And not the other color, so police think. They have the authority to shoot a minority. But fuck that shit cause I ain’t the one for a whack mother fucker with a badge and a gun to be beatin on. And throw in jail. We can go toe to toe in the middle of a cell.”

“Alright Ice Cube. Back to work.”

“I’ll tell Chainsaw you want to play next time.”

“Please don’t.”

“You’ll love it. Trust me.”

“I really won’t.”

“I have extra dice for you to use.”

“Definitely pass.”

“You can be an Amazon.”


“It’s gonna be great.”

“You aren’t going to stop are you?”

“I can regale you with tales of growing up a poor black child on the south side.”

“You know I’m black. Right? And grew up poor on the south side?”

“We have so much in common.”

“We don’t.”

“It was just Me Myself and I.”

“De La Soul. I hate you. Good song though.”

“Chainsaw says we are on for Saturday.”

“Why do I bother speaking out loud?”

“I’ll pick you up. We can get some forties. Some dank kush. It is gonna be awesome!”

“Am I speaking out loud? Can you hear me?”

“Yes Mona the Amazonian warrior. I hear you loud and clear.”

“Fuck you Mike.”

“Fuck the police Mona. And reinstate it with authority.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Yeah but in four short days we will be playing dungeons and dragons. Cling to that to make it through boo.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Did I ever tell you when I bumped into a smoker named Sally? From the Valley? Why are you hitting your head on the desk? We have work to do.”


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